Chapter 2
Link crossed the draw bridge and entered Hyrule Castle. It was a beautiful sight. There was a man singing the rabbit song, a woman with no dignity scratching her back like it's the end of the world, a fat old hag screaming, "Look what Richard did! Awww!" every two seconds reffering to her prized pooch. There were a few women scratching each other's eyes out of the last designer spoon, made out of solid 100 rot-wood, it's lovely green color was most definately worth the fight. There was a schitzophrenic dude patting his knees, going on about selling him something with "C", but one girl stood out, she had red hair, and she looked like she was wearing a nightgown. How indecent! Link went up to great her, "Hey, babe, want me to buy you some nice cellulite cream?" said Link.
The girl slapped him and started to walk away, when Link yelled at her, "Guess you don't want me to tell you about my trip to the castle!"
She came running back, "My dad's at the castle. Can you like get my dad? I'll forget that remark! Here's an egg! It's warm! I think it went pee-pee! Teehee!" screamed the girl. Link took the egg and went, "Sure, anything for you, doll." He left and went through the other side and climbed up the road, and made it to the castle, gate, somehow, he convinced the guard to let him through, and walked up the hill, casually. Obviously he was stopped by two guards, and they threw him out.
The first guard screamed, "YOU LITTLE NUMBSKULL! YOU COULD HAVE GOTTEN ME FIRED!" so Link climbed up the wall, jumped down and this time snuck past the guards, and jumped a wall. He got to the moat and swam through to the other side, to find a fat man sleeping. Link instictively tried to push him in the water, but nearly broke his back in the process.
Suddenly, he felt something crack. The egg hatched. Link got an idea. He pinched the cucoo, causing it to caw and wake up the man and try to gouge out Link's eyes, after the cucco finally got tired, the man spoke. "What in tarnation! Oh...who are you?" asked the man. "Link, your hot little daughter told me to get you." said Link. Talon was not thrilled about having some punk flirting with his daughter, but had bigger fish to fry, "Oh no! Malon's going to kill me!" he said running off. With that out of the way, Link stacked some convieniently placed boxes, and crawled through the hole, getting his butt stuck. Well, you can guess who came at this point. That's right, our little cucoo. It cawed evilly, scaring the crap out of Link, giving him more motivation to get out.
When he got through, he snuck behind all the guards, making fun of them, in the process. When he finally reached the courtyard, there was a girl in royal clothing, looking in a window. She sensed someone's prescence and turned around. "Who are you?" she asked. "Link, but you can call me stud." Link said. "Only if you give me a kiss." Link fell backwards desperately trying to get away. She came to a relazation right before Link got smooched. "Wait...you're the boy from my dream! Do you have a tacky green stone?" said the girl rather excited. Link let out a sigh of relief.
"Yea. I do." said Link. "You have a fairy!" said Zelda. "Hey! Watch what you call me!" said Link. "I meant the sack of sparkles with wings." said Zelda rolling her eyes. "Oh...so?" said he. "Well, you can help me. Look at this man." said Zelda.
Link peered through the window to see Ganondorf, the man who smells like a dumpster. "Ew!" screamed Link. "Yeah, anyway...do you think you can stop him from getting the triforce? You need to get two more of these tacky stones, then come back to see me." said Zelda. Link nodded, anything for a pretty gal, even if she was crazy. "Kay, my nursemaid will take you out of here."
A woman with white hair and red eyes appeared before Link. "I shall take you out of her, but first you need to learn this song, " she said playing her flute. Link can't play worth beans, so Impa ended up giving him a piece of paper that had the notes on it. She then took him to Hyrule Field.
"See that mountain? You should find my village at the foot, and on it, you will find the next spiritual stone." said Impa. "Whoa. Like, since when are mountains green and sweat scented, and since when did you turn into a gray hunk of dust, Impa?" hearing this, Impa kicked him in the stomach, rather hard. "Why did you do that!" screamed Link. "Idiot." said Impa disappearing. Link had an itch, so he scratched his head, taking off his hat to do so. "Oh...everything's colorful again." said Link.
Navi rolled her eyes once more (I'm suprised they're not stuck up there.), and her and Link looked onward to death mountain. They arrived in Kakariko village after Link forgot to tie his boots and fell down the staircase. They looked around. It was a small village, with a few construction sites, some old man hollering at some carpenters, a lady whining over some cucoos and so forth. Then a narrow passage caught Link's eye. He went over to it and went down it. This was Kakariko Graveyard. "Oh crap it's a boneyard!" exclaimed Link, who was now sucking his thumb. "So what? These people are dead. They're not going to get you. Idiot." squeaked Navi, trying to smack him in the face with her practically non-exsistant hand.
Link shrugged, and moved forward. He got up to a big tombstone and had an incredible urge to play the song Impa taught him. So he did, it sounded like the Barney Theme Song, but nonetheless, the grave burst open. Link dropped inside, without thinking, and the next thing he knew, there was a mummy chewing on his neck. He slapped it off and moved on, he got to the end of the tomb to find another song, Link wrote it on his hand with a knife. Yes, a knife. Link had a song scar. He then found nothing else and decided to leave the stupid thing. He left the graveyard and headed to the Death Mountain Entrance.
"Hey dude. That blonde chick said I need to go there, to buy...uh...shaving cream...yeah. That." said Link to the guard. The guard shrugged and opened the gate. By the time Link was half way up the mountain, the guard came to a relazation, "Hey! Gorons can't shave!"
Anyway, so Link went up the mountain...
And that would be a cliffhanger. R&R