(Rated I for Immature)
Alex met up with Kara at a coffee shop. "What is so urgent?" Alex asked concernedly.
"You're unemployed," Kara reminded her.
"I still have a life. Something wrong?" Alex asked.
"I have something I need to tell you," Kara sighed.
"Oh my God, what is it?" Alex asked fearing the worst.
"The clock is ticking and you need to get yourself knocked up," Kara said simply.
"Look, the adoption agencies aren't going to even look at my application. I'm unemployed, as you love to point out, I'm not married, and I don't have any assets," Alex said.
"Fuck the agency. Get yourself some sperm and do it yourself," Kara advised.
"That could take months and it's expensive," Alex rejected.
"I don't think you're really understanding me. Sex is free, easy, and if you do it enough times it will happen sooner than later," Kara said.
"With a man? We're not having this conversation...again," Alex said annoyed.
"For straights, gay sex is exotic, weird, even dangerous. It's the big unknown. For gays, having straight sex can be just as exciting," Kara argued.
"Except it isn't, because it's everywhere. I can't watch a film, tv show, commercial, or even go to a damn coffee shop without having straight sex thrown in my face. It's the norm, it's boring," Alex said eying a straight couple making out in the corner.
"Secondly, I've already done it, courtesy of your influence, and it sucked," Alex added.
"Perhaps, you just haven't met the right guy," Kara suggested.
"This again," Alex said dismissively.
"How do you know you're not Bi unless you have sex with every man on the planet?" Kara asked obnoxiously.
"Have you asked Mon to have sex with a man?" Alex asked.
"I have," Kara nodded.
"And what was his reaction?" Alex smirked.
"It was predictably immature," Kara recalled. "Look, I'm not asking you to change who you are. I'm just giving you an easy solution. Once you get knocked up, you won't have to have sex with a man ever again."
"Got someone in mind?" Alex asked not taking her seriously.
"Sure, James," Kara said obviously.
Alex spat out her coffee. "The fuck?"
"You want to marry Kelly one of these days?" Kara asked.
"It's something we will have to discuss seriously soon," Alex admitted.
"This is a way to keep it all within the family. Instead of some random sperm donor, you will be raising an Olsen kid. I mean, if Kelly had a penis would this even be a question for you?"
"Well...," Alex considered.
"Siblings do this all the time. A sister acts as a surrogate mom for her gay brother, a brother acts as a sperm donor for his Lesbian sister. It's completely natural," Kara said.
"I suppose," Alex said thoughtfully. "But you're suggesting I actually have sex with James."
"He's actually really good. I should know, I dated him for six months. You should really give him a try," Kara encouraged.
"Let's back this up. If Kelly were a man," Alex said.
"Yes," Kara acknowledged.
"And if she was infertile, would you still be suggesting this idea?" Alex asked.
"Yes," Kara nodded.
"It's cheating," Alex resisted.
"Not if Kelly agrees to it," Kara said.
"She'll never consent to me fucking her own brother. Not going to happen," Alex doubted.
"Ask her. See what she says," Kara encouraged.
Knocked Up
Alex paced around her apartment waiting for Kelly to arrive. "This is total bullshit," she muttered.
"Hi, what's on your mind?" Kelly asked as she gave Alex a kiss.
"Kelly, I've been wanting to have a child for the longest time. I've just haven't gotten around to it because of my job. But now, I think I have decided I should have one...now," Alex said.
"Great," Kelly smiled.
"Right, so, the adoption agencies have been turning me down and the last time I tried it was a real roller coaster of emotion," Alex stalled.
"Yes," Kelly nodded.
"Kara suggested that I use a sperm donor and that I should do it...naturally," Alex said.
"Of course, she would say that," Kelly rolled her eyes.
"She suggested James, to keep it within the family. Kelly, I love you and I want to marry you," Alex said sincerely.
"Wow, you've really been thinking about this," Kelly realized.
"Tell me I'm crazy, stupid, immoral," Alex said self-deprecating.
"No, it's an awesome idea," Kelly smiled.
"Really?" Alex asked stunned.
"Have you talked with James about it?" Kelly asked.
"Well...no," Alex answered.
"I think he would be honored to help us," Kelly said enthusiastically.
"You don't see anything psychologically wrong with me having sex with your brother to get pregnant?" Alex asked incredulously.
"Not at all. Your intent is noble and the consequences will be beautiful," Kelly said to her.
"You're really okay with this?" Alex questioned.
"You're the one carrying the child. If you're up for it, I am, too," Kelly said.
"Well, I guess I should talk to James," Alex said.
"Before you do, let's have some fun," Kelly smiled and then started taking off her jacket.
Alex marched into James' US Senate campaign office and found James in his office working the phones with his sexy confidant voice. "Hey, James. You got a minute?" Alex asked entering his office.
"Sure thing," James said. "Take a seat," he offered.
"I've been thinking long and hard about having a kid," Alex said.
"You had me at 'long and hard'," James smiled.
"This is serious. I've talked with Kara and Kelly and they both agree you would be the best candidate," Alex said.
"For US Senate? Fucking absolutely I am," James said confidently.
"I mean...as a sperm donor," Alex said bluntly.
"You serious?" James asked wondering if this was a joke.
"Yeah, no strings attached, parental rights signed over, no liability," Alex listed off.
"Damn, that is whack," James said thoughtfully.
"Yeah, sorry to waste your time," Alex said getting up to leave.
"No, no, no, it's cool. Sit down," James entertained the idea. "You just need me to jerk off into a container?"
"Actually, I figured it would be easier if we just...had sex," Alex said awkwardly.
"Wow, Christmas just came early," James smiled.
"Wait...what?" Alex wondered.
"I've been trying to get with you for the last five years, ever since Kara suggested we have a threesome," James recalled.
"Kara...actually suggested that?" Alex asked dismayed.
"Yeah, but it was before you turned gay," James said.
"I didn't...," Alex said and then stopped herself. "So, you're okay with this?"
"As long as I have no liabilities and the kid never finds out, I'm golden," James readily agreed. "I'll be the coolest uncle."
"When would you like...to do it?" Alex asked awkwardly.
James checked his calendar. "How about...tonight? We can get wasted at the bar beforehand. I think you're going to need it."
"Sure," Alex nodded.
"This is so exciting for you and Kelly. Thanks for including me in this," James said appreciatively.
James and Alex exited his office. "Listen up, slaves. Tonight, I am going to make sweet love to this woman, right here."
The whole room clapped for him. "The fuck, James?" Alex hissed.
"She's a Lesbian, too," James added, proud of himself.
The room clapped even harder for him. "I'll see you there," Alex said escaping.
That night, Kara drove Alex to the alien gay bar. "So, I walked in on Mon jerking off, one night. Can you imagine that? And after everything I give to that man," Kara said dismayed.
"I find this conversation very uncomfortable," Alex said feeling anxious about what she was about to do.
"Like, I get these authentic towels from China, like I literally fly over there and get them, and he just jerks off in them," Kara continued. "And once he does it, they're never soft ever again. You Lesbians don't have to deal with this bullshit. You're lucky, you know that?"
"I am such a nervous wreck, right now," Alex admitted.
"You just need some liquid courage. For me, I had to get drunk as fuck before I got freaky with a girl," Kara said.
"That isn't what this is about, Kara. This is about creating life, being a mother, and beginning a new chapter in my life," Alex said stressed out.
"Alex, remember, you're having a baby with Kelly, not James," Kara reminded her.
The two walked up to the alien gay bar and strolled right in. Already inside was James, Hank, Mon, and Winn at a table chilling out with drinks. "Have you seen the new Equalizer movie? That's what I want to be when I grow up," James said to the others.
"Absolutely," Hank agreed.
"Bad-ass," Mon seconded.
"I haven't seen it, yet," Winn admitted.
"Winn, I'm going to hook you up with a hundred DVDs of sex, drugs, and violence to spread around Argo City," James said.
"You know, the funny thing is that my wife, Thara, is completely into all that. The thing about Kryptonians is that behind closed doors away from the rest of polite society, they are total freaks," Winn said.
"Don't I know it," James said referring to Kara.
"I heard you got a girl of your own, J'onn," Mon brought up.
"Yep, M'gann inexplicably came back," Hank said vaguely.
"Well, spill the details, man," James pressed.
"We got to fifth base," Hank smiled proudly.
"Holy shit," Winn said knowing exactly what that entailed.
"What's fifth base?" Mon asked confused and jealous at the same time.
"It's when a Green Martian phases their entire fist inside there and then opens up," Hank said.
"Damn...just damn," Mon said amazed.
"Looks like my girl of the night has just arrived," James said as Alex and Kara came in.
"Bedding a Lesbian of her caliber is just so amazing," Mon complimented James.
"Don't tell anyone but the plan is to knock her up," James told them all.
"Nice, a little Olsen on the way," Winn said a little too loudly.
"Okay, everyone shut the fuck up," James silenced them all as Alex and Kara came closer. "So, Alex, you want a beer?" James asked awkwardly.
"Sure," Alex nodded.
James went off to get two at the bar. "Winn, I didn't know you were back in town," Alex said surprised.
"Just stopping by," Winn said.
"I can sense you're anxious. Anything on your mind?" Hank asked knowingly.
"This one time, I need you to not read my mind, okay," Alex beseeched him.
"Hey, no problem. But you're okay, right?" Hank asked concernedly.
"I'm great, better than great, actually," Alex smiled awkwardly.
James came back with two beers handing one to Alex. "This is where I ditch you," Kara said to Alex. "Mon, we're going," she ordered.
"Ball and chain," Mon said getting up and leaving with Kara out of the bar.
"Hey, Alex, let's dance, loosen up," James said to her.
"I'd rather not," Alex said.
Hank then used his psychic powers to change her mind. "You know, that sounds like fun," Alex said walking with him to the dance floor.
As the two danced to the music, James noticed Kelly wasn't around. "So, where's Kelly?" he asked.
"She...wanted to give me some space," Alex said vaguely.
"But you two are totally cool with this, right?" James asked concernedly.
"Oh, absolutely but sometimes the head and the heart are on different wavelengths," Alex said.
"I totally understand," James said knowingly.
"I mean, it would be weirder if she was here, right?" Alex asked.
"A little bit more," James agreed.
The two continued to dance and drink for a few hours as Alex put off the inevitable. Eventually, both of them were sloshed. In the taxi, both were barely coherent to the driver. "Tonight, I'm having this Black man's baby," Alex said slurring her words.
"Good for you," the driver said.
"But it's a one-time thing because I'm a Lesbian!" Alex said obnoxiously.
"Oh, we'll see about that after tonight," James said confidently.
The two made their way to Alex's apartment that lacked a living room and was just a bed. "So, is this going to take a long time?" Alex asked, taking off her shirt revealing her bra.
"Nah, girl, I got a special technique I use for all my Lesbian one-night-stands," James told her.
"You keeping saying the word 'lesbian.' Me thinks you don't know what that word means," Alex scolded.
"Just trust me on this," James said opening his backpack.
Alex indulged him as he placed a blindfold over her eyes. "We can do this with or without clothes on if you like?" James offered.
"Fuck that, I want it all-natural," Alex said.
The two quickly got out of their clothes with James careful not to touch her to ruin the fantasy in her head that she was with a woman rather than him. James then carefully put headphones on her ears with a pre-recording of Kelly's voice. She was sexually suggestive in nature and occasionally cried out sexually. Alex couldn't help but feel aroused by her voice and what she was saying.
"Baby, I'm going to put on a strap-on," Kelly's pre-recorded voice said.
"Give it to me," Alex said drunkenly.
Alex lay on her stomach with her head on a pillow. James then got on top of her and slowly guided himself in. Intellectually, Alex knew she was being penetrated by a man with a real penis but instinctively she fantasized that it was Kelly. James finished in about five minutes and then got off. He quickly put his clothes back on and placed a blanket over Alex's nakedness. James then took the headphones off her ears.
"Is it over?" she asked surprised by how easy and quick it was.
"Yep," James said.
"Wow, okay," Alex said amazed.
"So, I'll be heading out now," James said leaving the room. Kelly was waiting on the other side of the door. "You done?" she asked.
James nodded and then awkwardly walked off. Kelly entered the room, put on a nightgown, and spooned with Alex until she fell asleep.
The next morning, Alex felt really hungover. Kelly was already dressed ready to leave for work. "What time is it?" Alex wondered.
"It's seven-thirty," Kelly said.
"I'm naked," Alex realized.
"Yeah, it's what happens when you have sex," Kelly said obviously.
"Oh, wow, it was like a blur," Alex tried to recall.
"Did it feel good?" Kelly asked.
"Not really. I mean, it was short with no foreplay," Alex said.
"Good," Kelly said pleased.
Alex then realized what was happening. She wrapped herself in the sheets as she faced Kelly. "None of this changes how I feel about you, Kelly. In fact, I did it because I want to have a baby with you and only you," Alex said to her.
"I know," Kelly nodded.
"So, why do I get the impression you're pissed-off?" Alex asked.
Kelly sighed. "It's not you, it's me."
"I've heard that before," Alex rolled her eyes.
"But it is true. These negative jealous thoughts that I have are not rational. They're irrational fears we all have. I know you don't have feelings for James. I know that you would never cheat on me," Kelly assured her.
Alex nodded. "You want to get some breakfast?"
"Sure," Kelly smiled.
At the diner, Alex drank cup-after-cup of coffee. "Keep it coming," Alex said to the waitress.
"This whole episode has really inspired me," Kelly said.
"In what way?" Alex asked confused.
"Using Obsidian Lenses, the LGTB community can have sex with straight people while thinking and feeling that they're having sex with the same-sex," Kelly explained.
"So, when I'm having sex with James I would see, hear, and feel you?" Alex asked.
"Exactly. This could be the key to allowing the LGBT community to reproduce naturally without all the red tape and expenses," Kelly said.
"Sounds like a gay cure if you ask me," Alex frowned.
"No, nothing like that because Obsidian Lenses are a temporary construct. Once the simulation is over, you're still gay. This could also lead to straight people indulging in gay fantasies. So many people are in the closet emotionally about their sexuality. This could bridge the divide between the straight and LGBT community," Kelly said ambitiously.
"Or bring the bigots out of hiding," Alex said.
"Either way, it's a win-win," Kelly smiled. "So, the next time we'll try that."
"Next time?" Alex wondered.
"We timed your ovulation period to give you the best chance of success but there's no guarantee you conceived," Kelly said obviously.
"Kelly, I don't want there to be any confusion between you and James. If he didn't get it done last night, I'm going to do it artificially," Alex said drawing the line.
"If that's your boundary, I respect it," Kelly agreed.
"Well, okay then," Alex said pleased.
Eight Weeks Later
Kara helped Alex over to the toilet as she had to hurl. "So, you missed your period, you're throwing up, and you had sex with a man. Maybe, you're pregnant," Kara suggested.
"Could it really be true?" Alex wondered.
"Let's get you to a doctor," Kara said.
At the Planned Parenthood office, Kara played on her phone while Alex was incredibly anxious. The lobby was filled with women and their babies making it very noisy. "Congress just cut Planned Parenthood's funding. Finally," Kara said pleased.
Alex gave her an incredulous look. "Kara, what the fuck?"
"Just because we happen to be using their services today doesn't mean I have to support them in any way. I try to remove myself from the equation when it comes to my politics," Kara said.
"Bullshit, you're supporting James' candidacy so as to lower the taxes you don't even pay," Alex reminded her.
"Alexandra Danvers," the doctor called.
The two entered the doctor's office together. "I'm Dr. Scott. So, how can I help you?"
"I took a home pregnancy test and it was positive," Alex said flatly.
"Alright then. Let's take a look," Dr. Scott said.
Alex obliged him as he went looking around. "You do look like your sister," he remarked.
"We're not related," Kara informed him. "Nice office you got here."
"Thank you," Dr. Scott smiled as he placed the ultrasound device inside Alex. "And there it is."
Alex eyed the ultrasound image of the embryo. "You see that flicker. It's the heartbeat," Dr. Scott said.
"Oh my God," Alex realized and started to cry.
"They're happy tears," Kara assured the doctor.
Alex began to sob uncontrollably overwhelmed with emotion. After years of being sexually confused, coming out as a Lesbian, and then arranging to have sex with James, she was going to finally be a mother. "There, there," Kara said sympathetically.
"Thank you for making this happen," Alex said giving Kara a hug.
"No problem," Kara said. "But no more drinking, alright."
Midvale
Alex bit the bullet and went to her parents' house. She decided to talk to her more understanding mother first. "So, you're pregnant now? That's great news. I'm going to be a grandmother for real this time," Eliza said thrilled.
"Yeah, so, you have experience in this area. When do you think I'll show?" Alex asked.
"Three months," Eliza said. "You'll get puffy in the face and your ass will get fat."
"Wow, that quick," Alex said amazed.
"What are you going to do about a job? You can't be a government agent while pregnant," Eliza said obviously.
"Kelly is really supportive and Kara gave me a briefcase full of cash," Alex said.
"Great, pregnancy and raising children is a team effort," Eliza said pleased.
"So, where's Dad?" Alex asked uncomfortably.
Alex took a long walk out to the dock where Jeremiah was fishing. "So, I'm to be a grandfather?" he asked her.
"How did you know? You have super-hearing along with that cyborg arm of yours?" Alex asked disdainfully.
"Kara already told me," Jeremiah said.
"That bitch!" Alex spat.
"Helped to prepare me for when you inevitably arrived," Jeremiah said.
"So, you hate me more than ever now?" Alex asked.
"I don't hate you, Alex. I love you and want what's best for you. This whole thing gives me mixed feelings," he said casting his lance out.
"Yeah?" Alex wondered.
"On one hand, I can pretend to think that you're in a straight relationship with James but the whole thing is a convoluted mess. You had sex with the brother of your Lesbian lover to get pregnant," Jeremiah said conflicted.
"Well, it was natural," Alex said defensively.
"A point in your favor to be sure but it was still an out-of-wedlock pregnancy," Jeremiah shot her down.
Alex sighed. "Granted, I was always going to be gay and never straight, isn't this the best moral compromise? I promise to raise this kid with the values you taught me."
"As I said, I have mixed feelings," Jeremiah said casting his lance out again.
"What can I do, within reason, to make you happy about this?" Alex asked.
Jeremiah said nothing for a moment. "Marry Kelly, I suppose. A child should have two stable parents their whole childhood like I tried to give you before I was taken away. Give your kind credit by doing the same."
"Alright," Alex agreed.
Kara drove Alex to her next doctor's appointment. "And that was the last time I was in a threesome," she recalled.
"Really?" Alex asked skeptically.
"If you had to do a threesome with you, Kelly, and one of the guys, which one would it be?" Kara asked conversationally.
"Winn," Alex said quickly.
"Why him?" Kara asked surprised.
"Because I could threaten to beat him up if he ever told anyone," Alex said.
"Nice," Kara smiled. "Ever think to trade partners. Like I get Kelly and you get Mon?"
"We're not having this discussion...again," Alex shot her down.
"The guys want to go paintballing. No one uses powers, completely straight," Kara offered.
"I love paintball. I really do. I just don't think I should," Alex said.
"Serious question," Kara said super-serious.
"Alright, shoot," Alex allowed.
"Do Lesbians find pregnant Lesbian porn hot?" Kara asked.
Alex gave her an incredulous look. "I honestly don't know."
"You should try it," Kara advised.
They finally had a talk with an obviously Jewish doctor. "So, how long have you two been married?" Dr. Howard asked them.
"We're actually sisters," Alex corrected. "Look, I just want to make sure you're there on the day."
"No worries. I'm your man. I don't take vacations, have no social life, and basically, I'm a suffering workaholic," he said.
"I think I have my doctor," Alex said impressed.
"Well, that's a relief. I hate doctor shopping when I want to get pills," Kara said nonchalantly.
Alex stared at a wine bottle at her apartment feeling the withdrawal from not drinking for several weeks. Kelly then entered the room. "Hi," Alex said giving her a kiss.
"You're going to want to sit down for this," Kelly said to her.
"Okay," Alex said concernedly as she sat on her bed.
"I know this was probably not what you pictured when you were a little girl growing up. You know, everyone was saying you would marry Prince Charming and have kids five years ago. Instead, you were sexually confused going from guy-to-guy not knowing why, becoming a secret government agent, and now unemployed with a blank resume," Kelly said.
"Sure," Alex allowed.
"And my life hasn't been any better in terms of organization. We're just two people with messy lives confused as to what we want out of life," Kelly continued. "But tonight, I know what I want. I want to spend the rest of my life with you. Will you marry me, Alexandra Danvers?" Kelly asked showing her an engagement ring.
"Oh my God. Of course, I will. I love you, Kelly," Alex said and immediately embraced her with passionate kisses.
The next day, Kara drove Alex around on more errands. "After nearly ten years, I still don't think I know Mon. I don't know what he's up to. He's miserable," Kara said conversationally.
"Why would you say that?" Alex asked concernedly.
"I'm pretty sure he's cheating on me," Kara said with crazy eyes. "He's always taking off from the apartment at weird hours. He says he has bad cell phone reception when I know damn well it's good."
"Are you sure Mon even knows how to use a phone?" Alex asked uncertainly.
"Are you saying there's no part of you that thinks he might be a little scumbag?" Kara asked.
"Kara, he's committed mass genocide on a galactic scale and has committed every kind of sadism I can think of...but he's always been loyal to you," Alex said defending him.
"That does make me feel better," Kara smiled reassured.
They then walked into a restaurant meeting up with Mon and Kelly. "So, if you were employed you could have had that sweet maternity leave," Kara began the conversation.
"Thanks, Kara," Alex rolled her eyes.
"I think the government should provide paid maternity leave regardless if they're employed or not," Kelly said.
"I actually agree. It will encourage more women to get pregnant and then raise healthy sons to make this planet more formidable," Mon said.
"It's a girl," Kara told him.
"Damn," Mon said sympathetically.
"I think it will be great raising a girl," Kelly said brightly.
"You should turn her gay and make it a generational thing," Mon encouraged.
"You can't turn someone gay," Kelly said obviously.
"I keep forgetting what century I'm in," Mon backtracked. "Isn't it weird how you have a kid and then all your hopes and dreams go out the window?"
"Oh really? What changed for you? What went out the window? What plans? You do everything exactly the same," Kara asked skeptically.
"Well, before the kids, I wanted to live on Apokolips for a year and covertly kill Parademons under Darkseid's nose. But you can't do it if you have kids," Mon said obviously.
"You want to live on Apokolips? We were just there," Kara pointed out.
"I want to go to the one in our dimension, the one that counts," Mon argued.
"You want to go to Apokolips? Go ahead and go there," Kara said passive-aggressively.
"Okay, now you're being a crazy bitch," Mon chided. "Is she not?" he asked Kelly.
"I don't use that terminology," Kelly excused.
"Why don't you and Darkseid go fuck each other? Obviously, you're made for each other," Kara said obnoxiously.
"You want to cause a scene? I don't give a fuck if these humans see it," Mon told her off.
"Oh, but you'll cheat on me with these humans," Kara accused.
"Okay, you're done," Mon said placing green handcuffs on her.
"What the fuck?" Kara shouted.
"Sorry about this," Mon smiled at Alex and Kelly and then instantly disappeared with Kara.
The next morning, Alex met up with Kara at a coffee shop. "We didn't even have sex that night. He just kept me handcuffed, put a ball in my mouth, and went to sleep. I mean, what faithful husband does that?" Kara asked rhetorically.
"Well, my night didn't go as planned either," Alex admitted.
"Really? What's wrong?" Kara asked concernedly.
"Well, I'm getting so big that you basically need a nine-inch strap-on to get in there," Alex began.
"Sure," Kara said.
"But we couldn't get it on. I just kept thinking she would poke the baby inside. I know it's silly but I can't get the idea out of my head," Alex said.
"I wish I could relate. When I had Kon and Mara, they were in pods the whole time. For me, life went on like usual," Kara shrugged.
"What if Kelly and I can't become intimate with each other after the birth?" Alex asked fearfully.
"You may be the one carrying a baby, right now, but you're the man in your relationship. After you've healed, you need to go to Kelly and surprise her, dominate her, take charge of her," Kara advised.
"Yeah, maybe," Alex said, uncertain of that.
"You good for a dinner date?" Kara asked her. "My place."
That evening, Alex and Kelly came by Kara's apartment. "I'm just saying, Death Metal has great instrumentals, profound lyrics, and awesome live performances," Mon said conversationally.
"How did we get on this topic?" Alex wondered.
"And I should get going," Mon said taking off. "I have a concert to go to."
"Okay, have fun," Kara allowed.
Mon then instantly disappeared from the room. "He seems relatively normal to me," Kelly said.
"Let's go. I have a tracker on him," Kara said resolved.
The three women drove up to an ordinary house in suburbia. Kara narrowed her eyes already catching Mon in a lie as to where he was. She got out of the car and approached the house. "She doesn't have a gun, does she?" Kelly asked worriedly.
"She doesn't need one," Alex said dryly.
Kara forced the door open and discreetly went inside with Kelly and Alex following her. Kara scanned the house with her X-ray vision and went down the hallway. "This really isn't the way to find out if your partner is cheating," Kelly said clinically.
"Well, he shouldn't have done it then," Alex said unsympathetically.
Kara barged into the living room and found Mon, Hank, James, Winn, Lex, and Brainiac 5 all hanging out in a circle with a white-board. They were all wearing Baseball jerseys. "You're on the clock," Brainiac 5 reminded Mon.
"My outfield is fucked," Mon realized.
"What is this?" Kara demanded.
"Kara?" Mon wondered.
"What the fuck is this?" Kara said dismayed.
"It's our fantasy baseball drive," Mon explained.
"Hey, no wives allowed," Hank said.
"Hey, how's the baby doing?" James asked Alex.
"She's fine," Alex said.
"Oh, it's a girl!" the guys all gave James a high-five.
Kara stormed out of the room secretly pleased but also pissed-off she had been wrong about Mon. Kelly and Alex followed her out of the house.
Weeks went by and then there was the Baby Shower at Wayne Manor. "So, Mon and the guys ditched me again and went to Vegas without telling me," Kara said angrily to Alex.
James then walked in and gave Alex an awkward look. "Look at you, alpha male. Touchdown on the first pass of the game," Kara complimented him.
"I know, right?" James smiled.
Alex gave him an uncomfortable look. "Is it weird me being here?" he asked her.
"No, you're the baby's uncle," Alex allowed.
James smiled at that. "You know, I haven't been around much and it's intentional. It's not just because I'm kind of an asshole. It's also that I don't want there to be any confusion. This baby is between you and Kelly, period," James said to her.
"I appreciate that, James," Alex said.
"But if you need anything from me, I'm around until I get elected, and then I'm in DC far away from this crazy town," James said.
"You have like zero chance of winning that race," Alex rolled her eyes.
"Barney says otherwise," James said.
"Barney fixes races," Alex said accusingly.
"And I'm okay with that," James grinned.
Alex walked around and found Mon in the backyard away from everyone else. "Mon, you're my brother-in-law, but I don't want to force you to be what I need you to be for me," she began.
"Well, good," Mon said pleased.
"Because it's wrong of me. You're great, you really are. I mean, you like to get high, you like to do shrooms in Vegas, and who am I to stop you?" Alex said exasperated with him.
Mon nodded in agreement. "And who am I to tell you, you're wrong? It's not wrong. It's who you are. It's what you enjoy. It's your life," Alex continued.
"But?" Mon wondered.
"When this baby is born, we shouldn't be in the same place or room together. I'm human and you're Insane and nothing is going to change that. I just can't have that kind of negative influence on my baby's life," Alex said.
"Well, fuck me," Mon said dismayed.
"I still hope we can be friends," Alex said awkwardly.
Mon stared her down. "I admire your assertiveness against me, but Kara and I are a package deal. I have always been civil around you so you can take that self-righteous attitude of yours and shove it up your ass," Mon pushed back.
"Forget I said anything," Alex backed off.
"That's right," Mon smiled as Alex walked off.
Alex lay in the bathtub with her belly sticking out of the water. Her athletic figure was gone. Kelly came over to her with a frown. "Dr. Howard has left to San Francisco for a bar-mitzvah and won't be back in time," she said.
"That mother-fucker lied to me!" Alex said pissed-off.
"Hey, positive thoughts," Kelly said rubbing her belly. "Wow, I can feel her kicking."
"I feel weird. Oh, God, I feel contractions," Alex said alarmed.
"We planned for this very night. We got this," Kelly assured her.
Kelly drove a very pregnant Alex to Metropolis General and parked in the designated parking spot for pregnant women upfront. Kelly and Alex were escorted to a room by a male nurse and then death personified came in. Brainiac 5 in a white lab coat strolled in and gave Alex a look.
"We really appreciate you coming in, Barney," Kelly said to him.
"Well, of course. It's not like I sleep," Brainiac 5 smiled. "What happened to your doctor?"
"He's at a bar-mitzvah in San Francisco and didn't tell us," Kelly said.
"Lucky for you, I don't have any Jewish friends," Brainiac 5 said earning a weird look from Alex.
"Barney, I really want to do this naturally, no drugs," Alex said resolved.
"That's cute. Let's see what's going on under the hood, shall we," Brainiac 5 said condescendingly. The alarm then went off.
"What's happening?" Alex asked freaked out.
"Calm yourself, Alex," Brainiac 5 said as he placed his hand on Alex's belly and slowly moved the baby around inside.
"What are you doing?" Alex asked suspiciously.
"Turning the baby to relieve pressure on the cord," he replied. The alarm then went off. "I believe the cord is wrapped around the baby's neck. Very common, not a big deal. We can give you medicine to dull the pain."
"No, I don't want the baby all drugged out," Alex refused.
"Well, okay then," Brainiac 5 said amused.
Kara and Mon then barged in. Mon had a video camera with him ready to go. Kara gave Alex a hug. "Wow, its finally happening," Kara said excitedly.
"This is going to be the most awkward porn video ever," Mon said as he turned the camera on.
"You can shoot the lobby. How about that?" Alex said scornfully.
Kara turned to Kelly. "I got this. I'll take over from here."
Alex gave Kara a WTF look. "Sure," Kelly said agreeably.
"No, fuck that. Kelly stays. She's my...wife," Alex refused.
"If that's how you feel," Kelly allowed.
"Kelly, this is your baby. You're just as much the mother as I am," Alex said to her.
"That is so sweet," Kelly said appreciatively.
"Kara, I think you should leave," Alex said seriously.
"Fuck me, right? Okay, I've assessed the situation and I'm leaving," Kara said pissed-off. "Mon, let's go," she ordered.
"Damn it," he muttered having wanted to shoot Alex's birth moment.
Shortly thereafter, Alex felt painful contractions. "Holy shit, fuck, this really hurts," Alex said painfully. "Give me an epidural. Give me the drugs!" Alex shouted.
Brainiac 5 casually entered the room again. "We're past the point of an epidural. You're at 10 cm," he said.
"Barney, you bastard, give me the epidural!" Alex yelled at him.
"Yeah, not happening," Brainiac 5 declined. "We're doing this all-natural, the way you wanted to do it."
"Fuck you, Barney! I know you're enjoying this," Alex raged.
"I recommend you push...now. Push now," Brainiac 5 said unconcernedly.
Alex screamed bloody murder as she felt the pain of the contraction. "Alex, you're scaring the other pregnant women. Let's bring it down a few volume levels," Brainiac 5 said to her.
"You've got to be fucking kidding me!" Alex glared at him.
Winn then walked in to check up on things as Alex was crowning. "Get out!" Alex screamed at him. He immediately backed out.
"You're past the shoulders. One, two, three, push," Brainiac 5 said to her.
Alex put all of her strength into the push. Brainiac 5 then led the baby out. She immediately started crying. Brainiac 5 then placed the baby in Alex's arms. She was brown-skinned with dark hair as expected. "Congratulations, you two," Brainiac 5 smiled.
Alex and Kelly kissed lovingly as she held the baby in her arms. Kara and Mon then entered the room. "You have no idea how much that hurt my ears," Kara said painfully.
Alex smiled in spite of herself. "She's beautiful. You got a name for her?" Kara asked.
"We're still undecided," Alex admitted.
"How about...Kelex. It's Kelly and Alex put together," Kara said.
Kelly nodded to that. "Wait, Kelex is the name of your droid," Alex recalled.
"Yeah," Kara confirmed.
"I think the mother should get some sleep. We can take care of the rest," Brainiac 5 said to the group.
Alex nodded and then passed out from exhaustion. Brainiac 5 eyed the baby in Kelly's arms and then placed his hand on Alex's wrist. "Game over," he said softly.
Black liquid spread across Alex's arm and then her entire body until she was completely covered in it. Alex then disappeared as she was kicked out of the Obsidian program. Kelly and the baby disappeared along with the hospital until there was nothing.
In the real world, Kara and Mon instantly appeared inside Wayne Manor. "That was so much fun," Kara said giddily after their adventure in another universe fighting Darkseid. Kara then knocked on Alex's door and came in. Alex was still passed out with bloodshot eyes. Brainiac 5 injected her with a stimulant waking her up.
"My baby!" Alex shouted.
"Whoa, looks like you did the baby program while I was away," Kara said amused.
"The baby program?" Alex questioned. She looked around the room no longer in the hospital. She looked down at her belly finding it flat and then looked around for her baby.
"She got lost in the sauce again," Brainiac 5 reported.
Kara gave Alex a concerned look. "It wasn't real, Alex. It was just a fantasy," she said taking a seat on her bed.
"So, she's gone?" Alex asked mournfully and began to cry. "I got knocked up and was pregnant for nine months and then gave birth but none of it was real?"
"Hey, Kelly's still real. I'm real," Kara reminded her.
Alex threw up on the floor devasted. "That's it, get it all out," Kara encouraged.
"I'm so fucked up right now. I can't process this," Alex said freaking out.
"You just need some therapy sessions with Kelly, maybe some pills. Nothing stops you from having a kid in the real world," Kara suggested.
"I should have known it wasn't real. Everyone was just so damn agreeable to it all," Alex said ashamedly. "My mind must be really weak to have been fooled again."
"No, Alex, you just have really focused goals. You want to be the hero, you want to be a mother. So, when the opportunity arises, you focus on it so intently that you don't notice the little things that make it obvious it's a simulation. You're not weak, you just got tunnel vision," Kara said to her.
"I don't know how to handle this. I feel like I just miscarried or had a stillborn baby. I feel like a complete and total fool," Alex said getting out of the bed and standing up.
"Who was the father?" Kara asked.
"It was James," Alex said softly.
Kara nodded. "Okay, this is going to be weird for me. I just hope it's weirder for you," she said as she gave Alex a passionate kiss.
Alex fell into a daze as her memories of the simulation disappeared from her mind. "Holy shit," Kara said amazed as Alex's memories became her own. Kara then carried Alex back to the bed where she slept soundly. Kara then turned to Brainiac 5 watching the entire scene.
"That's the last time you fuck with her on this issue," Kara warned.
"As you wish. I have a full recording of the simulation," Brainiac 5 offered.
"Keep it to yourself. It may be useful when she finally does get pregnant," Kara said.
"When and if," Brainiac 5 doubted.
"There is no if," Kara replied.
Author's Notes: Kudos to you if you knew it was a simulation the entire time. The main clue is that Kara's pregnancy wasn't mentioned or progressed during the nine-month time period. One thing to keep in mind is that only Alex and Brainiac 5 were real in this simulation which means Brainiac 5 is able to program all the other characters to the point that Alex can't even tell they're fake. I also collected the extremely rare Alex-James relationship tag with this episode on Archive.
This bonus episode is my current frustration with CW SG that they have not developed Alex's storyline in this regard since Season 3. It really cheapens the break-up between Alex and Maggie when there's zero progress over these seasons. There are rumors of Alex adopting an alien five-year-old in Season 6 which may or may not happen in Adventures of Supergirl. I had Alex adopt a teenage Kryptonian in Season 4.5 only for that to be a total disaster.