If That's What You Want

by EGB Fan

Eduardo and Kylie marry, coincidentally on the same day a whole bunch of youknowwhat happens.

4. Chapter 4

Extreme Ghostbusters: If That's What You Want

Part 4

Bess frowned. "What?"

"Um, sorry, nothing."

"Are you ok?"

"Yeah, yeah, I'm fine." He wasn't, but that was hardly any of her goddamn business. "Do you, um…?"

"What? Another coffee?"

"Please. I'd like to."

"Oh." She almost looked suspicious. "Ok."

Of course, Eduardo now remembered, getting Kylie to communicate her most intimate desires had been Junior Scrabble compared to satisfying Bess in that department. She had never even given him so much as a Stop or a Keep Going. He thought he had more or less managed to figure it out eventually, but she really had to be in the mood for it to be any good for either of them. All the rest of the time she faked it, as far as Eduardo could tell, which couldn't have been much fun for her – and it made him feel pretty bad too, because he wanted to be a good lover.

"Are you…?"

Eduardo raised his eyebrows. "Am I what?"

"Are you sure Kylie would be ok with this?"

He lowered his eyes slightly. "We're only having coffee. She seemed ok with it when I told her about us having coffee yesterday."

"Oh." Bess looked surprised. "She doesn't mind you… and, and me…?"

"She doesn't own me."

"No," Bess agreed. She paused. "May I tell you something?"

"Sure."

"When you dumped me, and you said it was because you were in love with someone else, I assumed it was Wanda."

"Wanda?" Eduardo pulled a face. "I was never in love with Wanda. I couldn't love someone like her."

"Why?" Bess asked defensively. "What's wrong with her?"

"Um… well, be honest, Bess – you were one of her best friends and she didn't even treat you that well."

"She did treat me well actually," retorted Bess. "When she insisted on turning people into trees and stuff, it was only because they said or did something to upset me."

"Yeah? I always thought it was because she hated everyone, she enjoyed messing around with magic and she'd jump on any excuse to turn people into things."

"Eduardo, please don't sit there badmouthing Wanda. She and I are still very good friends. In fact we're still living together, if you must know."

"You're still living with Wanda?" Eduardo asked. "And what about…? Ugh, you know, the other one."

" 'The other one'," Bess echoed dryly. "Céline did start saying she felt like she was just making up the numbers. She got sick of being Wanda's mini-me and went off to… to… I can't even remember. God, I'm a bad friend."

"Hey, don't worry about it. She's obviously just a very forgettable person."

There followed an awkward silence.

"How's married life?" asked Bess at last.

"Oh, well." Eduardo looked down again. "Not what I expected."

"Nothing ever is."

"Yeah."

"Only… well, are you spending much time with her? God, sorry, it's none of my business," she added hastily.

Eduardo shrugged. "Don't sweat it. It's just that I got married yesterday and both times you've seen me since, I've been on my own. I get it."

"Wanda thinks…" – Bess bit her lip. Why on earth had she said that out loud? Or started to say it, anyway.

"Wanda thinks what?" asked Eduardo.

"Nothing, forget it, never mind." There was a long pause, then, "You remember that time I had to lock up at the coffee shop, and you and I spent the whole night there?"

"Of course I remember."

She smiled suggestively. "That was fun."

Was it? Eduardo wondered. "Fun" was not exactly how he remembered it. Bess had been charged with the task of locking up the coffee shop where she waitressed her way through college, and quite simply suggested to Eduardo that they spend a night in the place and see where the mood took them. Eduardo had pointed out that there was little to do in a deserted café, whereupon Bess had promised him a night of unbridled passion (she wanted to be a good lover as much as he did). By that time she had lost some of her inhibitions, and they had more or less got the hang of each other's bodies. However, in spite of her numerous insistences that Eduardo continue making love to her in the storeroom, she didn't respond at all and later confessed that she was worried in case her bosses had suddenly decided to install CCTV without telling anybody.

"We could have left," Eduardo had said, on hearing this. "You should have told me."

"There was no point in stopping once we'd started," Bess had replied. "It only occurred to me after we had half our clothes off, and if there is CCTV I'd be fired even if we stopped there."

"But you weren't enjoying it. What was the point?"

"You enjoyed it. That was enough."

Eduardo had not confessed that he didn't enjoy it very much at all. Ok, so he had liked it a bit – he always did – but their relationship was still at the stage where he had thought it might work (as far as he could tell, Kylie was not interested and never would be). It was before he learned that Bess was so timid and so eager to avoid any kind of confrontation that she would rather put up with any problems she experienced in their relationship than try to fix them, or let him try to fix them.

"Ok, so maybe it wasn't perfect." Bess, it seemed, was reading his silence perfectly. "But you enjoyed yourself. We did have some good times together, didn't we?"

"Yeah," Eduardo said truthfully. "We did."

"I'm sorry," Bess went on soberly. "I wasn't a very good girlfriend. I can see that now. I was young. I'd never really had a boyfriend before. I thought the best way to keep you happy was not to complain and just do whatever you wanted."

"Complaints are one thing," said Eduardo, "but to be honest I could have done with a little constructive criticism."

"I'm sorry."

"Stop apologising. It probably would have gotten better with time, if Kylie hadn't been an issue, but it could never work out between you and me because she was always on my mind. I felt like I was cheating on you."

"Cheating on me," Bess muttered bitterly. "You were pretending you were with Kylie, weren't you, all those times I made love to you. It always felt like you weren't really there. When you told me you loved someone else, I knew you must have been imagining that someone else all those times. I thought it was Wanda, most of the time, but I sometimes used to wonder. It almost drove me crazy, wondering whose face you saw when you were screwing me."

Eduardo blinked. "I… I'm sorry."

"So was she worth the wait?" Bess pressed. "Was she worth dumping me for? Is she better than me?"

"Bess…"

"No, please tell me, because I was awake practically all night wondering: what is it that makes you want her so much more than me? Does she come faster, scream louder, is she tighter or warmer or wetter or deeper, does she squeeze harder, does she arch her back, I mean what? What is so special about her?" Then she stopped abruptly, and collapsed onto the table (in much the same manner as Kevin had done at Pizza Hut the day before). "Shit, sorry, that was a little bit insane, wasn't it?"

Eduardo was stunned, largely because some very similar thoughts had invaded his own mind when he'd been told that Kylie was cheating with Leonard (was he slower, steadier, gentler, rougher, fuller, bigger, harder…?). Those thoughts had come to him with all the same fear and urgency that had been in Bess's voice. But it couldn't matter to her as much as it did to him, surely.

"I just love her," he said at last. "That's all."

Bess looked up, her eyes shining and wide. "I loved you, you know."

"I know. You used to tell me. I'm sorry."

She let out a long sigh, and then asked quietly, "Why were you so keen to have coffee with me?"

Eduardo had no answer. Honestly, he didn't know. It must have had something to do with the possibility of Kylie being unfaithful. Did he need a friend? Someone to be supportive, or maybe just take his mind off it? Maybe it was something to do with the fact that she was the only other woman he had ever come close to loving. If he didn't have Kylie, it would probably be Bess. He had admitted that to Kylie himself. But if anything did come of it, it would have to be because she left him. He felt she could betray him a million times and he still couldn't leave. He knew, of course, that if he ever did the impossible and cheated on her, he would get no other chance. That was the difference between him and her. Well, one of them. He sometimes wondered whether she loved him as much as he loved her. Hardly ever, but sometimes.

"I thought it would be nice," he said, "if we could be friends again."

"You weren't thinking of…?"

"What?"

"Well. Cheating."

Eduardo shook his head. "Never."

x x x

"So what's going on?" asked Kylie, breezing in without so much as a Good Morning. "Eddie left me a note saying there's a ghost in our apartment."

"There was a ghost in your apartment," said Garrett, spinning his chair to face her. He and Roland were peering over Egon's shoulder as he tapped expertly away at his database. "It left, and we can't trace it."

"Oh. Is there any danger it might come back?"

"Perhaps, perhaps not. We don't know. We can't even figure out what it is."

"Apparently it's a young woman sporting Victorian garments," Egon cut in, not looking up from the computer. "There have been countless sightings of those over the years and, to make things even more difficult for us, there has apparently only ever been scant documentation on all of them."

"Eddie said she was messing with the mirror," said Garrett, "so that's what we're checking out now."

"It isn't helping much," added Egon.

"It seemed to make him feel ill," Roland cut in. "How is he now, Kylie?"

"I don't know. I haven't seen him."

"But you went home."

"He wasn't there."

"Oh. So… where is he?"

"I don't know," Kylie confessed, beginning to worry slightly.

"Maybe he went to a doctor," Roland suggested brightly.

"Um." It hardly seemed likely. Eduardo had to be really ill before he'd go to a doctor. "Look, anyway, what about this ghost? Does it really matter what it is?"

"We may have to hope not," Egon deadpanned. "Before you arrived, Kylie, I had a flick through some of my books, but I wasn't very thorough because I've read them all before and I really don't think there's anything in them that can be of any real use to us. But you can look again if you want to."

"All right," said Kylie.

"Meanwhile," Egon continued, "I've found the names of a few researchers whose work might be of help to us, if only we can locate it. Roland, can you please start calling round the archives?"

"Of course." Roland stood up immediately and headed for the nearest phone.

x x x

Eduardo walked Bess back to her office, maintaining a strained silence for all of the short distance. He had meant what he said about wanting to be her friend, because he really did like her. But apparently that wasn't going to work.

Bess was about to disappear forever through the door to her office, when one of the last people Eduardo expected to see there came out of it and blocked her path.

"Bess, hi," said Steve Griffin. "I'm glad you're back. Listen, I did my best, but I'm afraid I didn't quite manage to salvage the - " and then he noticed Eduardo. "What are you doing here?"

"I was just having coffee with Bess," Eduardo replied simply.

Steve frowned. "Why?"

"Why not?" Knowing Steve probably wouldn't like it, Eduardo anyway added, "She and I used to date. He's Kylie's father," he added, noticing Bess's utterly bemused expression.

"Oh," said Bess. "Wow, what an amazing coincidence. We got Steve out here because he's the only computer maintenance guy who'll come at five minutes' notice. We really need our system, you see."

"Yes, well, anyway, all of the pay run you were doing this morning is now lost, unfortunately," Steve said apologetically, and Eduardo switched off while Steve and Bess discussed the problems with the computer system and the resulting implications for Pizza Hut's payroll.

"Well, anyway." A minute later, Bess attracted his attention once more. "I'd better get back to work… input all of that information again. Bye," she added.

"Bye," Eduardo echoed curtly, and Bess walked out of his life for the second time.

Steve's frown deepened. "What's going on there?" he demanded.

"Nothing," said Eduardo.

"Why were you having coffee with her?"

"Lots of people socialise with their exes, Steve."

"True," Steve conceded. "So you, um, you married Kylie."

"I seem to have."

"I still don't get why no one told me."

"Well," said Eduardo, "that wasn't my idea."

"To be honest I feel a little bit cheated. I always assumed I'd be there if she ever got married. I even had this crazy idea that I'd give her away."

"No one gave her away. Ky said to me, 'You can't give away what you don't own.'"

"Yeah," Steve sighed wistfully. "She never needed me for anything. She's been her own person since she was a little kid."

Please, Eduardo thought desperately. No more tears – I can't handle it.

"So," Steve went on. "How's it going?"

"How's what going?"

"Your marriage."

"Oh." What could he say? That he didn't know? That would have been the honest answer, and he wouldn't know until he found Kylie and asked her outright if she had done anything untoward with Leonard that morning. "Well…"

"Oh no." Steve's eyes widened. "You're not having problems already, are you?"

"Steve, come on, you panic too much," Eduardo said soothingly, wondering if they were really going to carry out an entire conversation standing outside the office where the payroll for Pizza Hut was processed. "I'll admit we had a little spat this morning. But we have those all the time – it's no big deal."

"Jill and I had a lot of little spats in our time," Steve said morosely. "You know, Kylie's more like her mother than she'd ever admit. In all the good ways," he added hastily, catching Eduardo's expression. "Like, she knows her own mind. She… she likes everything her own way."

"Yeah, I know."

"She is happy, isn't she?"

"So she says."

Steve nodded approvingly. "Good. She and I never really… I mean, if I could have my time again…"

Eduardo was beginning to feel uncomfortable. He was feeling pretty emotional himself, and that was more than enough for him to handle. His brother, his sister-in-law and his ex-girlfriend had dumped their problems on him the day before, and that was plenty for the time being. He really didn't want to get into a heart-to-heart with Kylie's father. His father-in-law now, Eduardo realised.

"I'm sorry," Eduardo said, "but I have to go. I want to make up that fight with Kylie."

"Right, right, of course," Steve nodded. "I'll see you… sometime."

Steve sloped off, and Eduardo headed for the subway. If Kylie had gone home and found his note, she would almost certainly have gone to the firehouse. In that case, she was probably wondering where he was. Or else she had not yet left this "friend" she went to see – Leonard, perhaps, if the mirror was to be believed. Besides Beth and their fellow Ghostbusters, what other friends did she have? Jack, he answered himself straightaway. Leonard and Jack. The thought, for some reason, made him uncomfortable. More uncomfortable. He wasn't feeling great to start off with.

x x x

It came as something as a relief to Eduardo when he found Kylie at the firehouse, and that relief made him feel slightly guilty. Did he really think she was capable of cheating on him? Well, he had made up his mind to ask her: "Kylie, have you been sleeping with Leonard?" Yikes, that could end badly.

She was sitting cross-legged on the floor in front of one of the large bookcases when he found her, surrounded by open books, their empty spaces on the shelves looking down on her. She looked up when she heard him come in, and then rose quickly to her feet.

"Hi, there you are," she said, crossing the room to stand directly in front of him. "Where did you go? Roland said you weren't feeling well. Are you ok? Look," she added, "I'm sorry for what I said this morning. I didn't mean it."

"Forget it," he said. "Yeah, Roland was right: I wasn't feeling too good, and I didn't want to be cooped up at home so I went for a walk."

"Are you feeling better now?"

"Yeah." He smiled at her, and put his hands on her arms. "Yeah, I am. Listen, I ran into Bess again."

"Oh," she responded.

"We did the coffee thing again, but I kinda got the feeling she's still hung up on me, or else she just still hates my guts from when I broke up with her eight-and-a-half years ago. But either way we agreed it's best if we don't see each other again."

"Right," said Kylie, looking slightly suspicious but obviously trying not to. "Why are you telling me this?"

"I'm being honest with you," Eduardo replied simply. "I mean, imagine if you found out about it some other way. You'd be like, 'Why didn't you tell me?' You might think I'd been cheating on you or something."

"True," Kylie smiled crookedly. "So you're not still…?"

"What?"

"Nothing, forget it, I shouldn't have asked."

"Am I still hung up on her? Is that it?"

"I know you're not."

"Oh yeah," said Eduardo; "and I met your dad too. He was doing something with the computers at Bess's office."

"No way! What an incredible coincidence."

"Yeah." He paused. "So… what about you? When we tracked this ghost to the apartment, you'd left. Can I ask where you went?"

"Sure," shrugged Kylie. "I went to see Leonard."

Eduardo's heart skipped a beat. "Why?"

"Why not? He's my friend. He and I had a chat – some of it about you, I do admit. Well, you and me. After that I went home to check on Beth and the girls and found your note, and then I came here because, well, I wanted to make up."

"I'm sorry," said Eduardo. He started playing with her hair, and saw that she looked puzzled by the goofy smile on his face. "Sorry I wasn't here."

"It's ok."

He was no longer feeling scared or angry or hurt or betrayed, or anything of the sort. He just felt guilty for letting that doubt linger in his mind, even for a moment. And then suddenly his mind went blank, because suddenly she was kissing him.

They were interrupted, neither knew how many seconds or minutes later, by a throat-clearing noise. Eduardo stepped away from Kylie, and turned to see Roland holding several pieces of paper.

"Are you feeling better?" he asked unnecessarily.

"Much, thank you," said Eduardo.

"Well, anyway," Roland went on, "I managed to get in touch with a young trainee priest who was able to locate these documents for me – it's the research of one of his predecessors from the mid-twentieth century – and he was good enough to e-mail it to me. I've been reading through it, and I think maybe you guys should take a look at this part," whereupon he proffered the hand holding the papers.

Kylie took the wad of paper, skimmed through it and cocked a dubious eyebrow as she surmised, "An apparition that likes to break up marriages, huh?"

"What?" said Eduardo, alarmed.

"Basically he began his research when a young man came to Confession and told him that a demon haunted his every thought and seemed to be turning him against his wife," Roland explained to Eduardo, as Kylie ran her eyes over the same information on the page. "The priest then went on to discover instances of men experiencing similar marital problems, and came up with those six-odd pages on the subject. Apparently two men saw the demon as a ghost bride, one didn't see her at all and one saw her as a young woman in the clothes of an upper class Victorian lady. Like your neighbours. There were only those four instances, including the young man who approached him. It's not much, but it's better than nothing."

"May I see that?" Eduardo asked Kylie.

"Sure." She handed the document over.

"You didn't get to the part about why she does it, did you?" Roland asked dubiously.

"No," said Kylie. "Come on then, enlighten us: why does she?"

"It's pure speculation, of course," said Roland. "The priest had a few theories. One was that the ghost simply didn't want anybody to be happily married, possibly due to some bad experience in her life. He also suggested that the ghost might be in love herself with the men she targeted. Sounds far-fetched to me, but anyway, he later thought that there might be a pattern in the marriages the ghost was targeting."

"Oh?" Kylie said impatiently, when he hesitated.

Eduardo, meanwhile, had been reading through some excerpts from a diary this nameless priest had included in his rather depressing project, documenting one man's experiences of this bunny boiler ghost:

Nightly she haunts my dreams with promises of what life would be if Laura was not my wife, but I had instead married Isabel. The latter, it must be said, appears a far better wife and makes the effort to please my family that Laura will not…

Last night I saw Isabel giving birth to my child with more detail than I could ever have knowledge of. I had begun to doubt it, but now I know a demon must be responsible; I should be mortified if I thought my own imagination could invent such atrocities. The colours in the vision alone were too much to be imagined.

Eduardo bit his lip. This man who was twenty-four in 1942 obviously hadn't much experience of childbirth, whereas he himself had been present at two births. But those experiences weren't reflected in his own dream. He remembered now the detail of the machine that monitored Bess's contractions; he had never seen one of those before in his life. Kylie had absolutely refused to have any machinery within about ten feet of her when she was putting herself through the natural births she wanted.

"Well," said Roland, "the thing is, the priest suggests – just briefly – that the women whose marriages were targeted were having some kind of negative effect on the family she had been brought into. The husband was never implicated – only the wife. In three cases, the parents-in-law absolutely hated her. One woman was instrumental in the dissolution of the thirty-three year marriage of her husband's uncle, and - "

"I can't believe I'm hearing this!" fumed Kylie.

"It's pure speculation," Roland said again, sounding noticeably timid this time.

Eduardo had come across another young husband's diary entry, this one from 1911:

This afternoon I was shown a terrible vision of Caroline in the act of being unfaithful to me with that intolerable young stable hand. She denies it with such passionate rage that I know she must be lying. I can no longer bear to look upon her face. I have no choice but to flog the saucy young stable hand and reject my wife.

"Babe, chill out," Eduardo said soothingly, draping an arm around Kylie's shoulders. "So what if some dead lady thinks that about you? We know it's not true, don't we?"

"Yes," said Kylie, "we do. But this ghost apparently wants to split up our marriage."

"Well she can't," Eduardo said dismissively. "Remember what you're always telling people: marriages don't break from the outside."

"True," Kylie conceded.

"And anyway," said Eduardo, "she left when we were there this morning. I'll bet she doesn't come back."

"She might," said Roland.

"Sure," Eduardo shrugged, "she might. But I got a hunch."

Truthfully, he felt that every attempt had been made by this ghost to break up their marriage, and as it hadn't worked the only sensible thing for her to do would be to give up and move on. Eduardo saw exactly what her plans had been, or at least he thought he did: she had encouraged him to believe that Bess would have been the better wife with that somewhat unconvincing dream; the vision in the mirror was intended to make him leave Kylie on the grounds of adultery; or, if he had gone ahead and asked her if she'd been unfaithful, she would have been furious that he could even think such a thing and even if she hadn't left him immediately, their solid foundation of trust would have been well and truly cracked.

That last scenario had almost happened, but not quite, because Eduardo had faith in her. It was true: marriages really didn't break from the outside. If the marriages of Laura and Caroline had ended just because of the whim of some ghost, Eduardo felt that they couldn't have been that strong in the first place.

Or maybe he was reading too much into it.

"I think," Roland said slowly, "perhaps we should go back to your apartment and see whether the ghost has been back."

x x x

Before anyone even began looking for ghosts, Eduardo noticed that the light on the answering machine was flashing. He did the logical thing and pushed the play button, and was rewarded with his mother's voice holding forth about something.

"Don't say she doesn't approve of us marrying," said Kylie. She had understood the indignant tone but not the words, as it was all in Spanish.

"I forgot to tell her," Eduardo confessed.

Kylie was speechless for a moment. "You idiot," she said at last.

Eduardo nodded. "I know. I'd better give her a call."

"If she asks you why you didn't tell her when we got engaged," said Kylie, "you can say it's because I knew she'd pressure me to have a big Catholic wedding and I just didn't want to hear it. Ok?"

"I may paraphrase," said Eduardo, beginning to dial.

Kylie, Roland and Garrett, meanwhile, began hunting around for this elusive ghost. There was still quite a lot of PK activity around the mirror in the bedroom, but whatever had been haunting it had evidently decided not to come back. At any rate, it wasn't there now. Kylie, Garrett and Roland were all hanging around the mirror when Eduardo turned up following the call to his mother.

"Did she say anything interesting?" asked Kylie.

"Not especially," shrugged Eduardo. "Why didn't I tell her, where did we get married, who was there, what did I wear, how long ago did I propose, what do I mean she proposed… What's going on in here?"

"Nothing much," Kylie confessed. "There are residual traces all over the apartment, but that's about it. We think maybe she's been here since you came this morning, but she seems to have gone again now. These guys" – she indicated Roland and Garrett – "say you saw something in the mirror."

"We already asked him what it was, Ky," said Garrett. "He said, um… mist and shapes and movement, wasn't it, Eddie?"

"Can't you be any more specific?" asked Kylie.

Eduardo looked at his feet. He really didn't want to tell her what he'd seen. "Does it really matter?" he asked.

"It might," said Kylie. "Come on, tell me. When you read Roland's priest friend's pieces of paper you seemed to assume you were reading about the same entity that's been here, so I think it must have shown you something."

"It did," Eduardo confessed. "Look, you don't wanna know, ok?"

Kylie frowned slightly.

"I might tell you later," Eduardo began to cave in already. "But Roland and Garrett definitely don't wanna know."

"Right," Kylie said slowly. "Fine. So… what next? The ghost isn't here anymore, we don't know where it went or where it might have gone – we don't even know for sure what it wants, so we can't make an educated guess."

"Did anyone try the bathroom?" Garrett asked lamely.

"I don't think it's in the bathroom," said Kylie. "But I need to go anyway, so I might as well check. Back in a minute."

She found a semi-naked woman in the bathroom. She was just leaning on the edge of the basin, bold as brass, in what was either an undersized towel or an oversized face flannel. Kylie was rendered momentarily speechless.

"Oh God, it's you," the woman said, her cheeks colouring significantly. "This, um, this isn't what it looks like."

"No," agreed Kylie, glancing at her PKE meter. "You are the metaphorical footprint of the ghost that's trying to split up my marriage. You're not real."

The woman frowned. "Of course I'm real."

"Are you?"

"Yes," the semi-naked woman insisted. "And I'm sleeping with your husband. I can even prove it to you. I can tell you things about him that only his lover would know."

"I thought," Kylie said patiently, stopping to chat only because she wasn't quite sure how to get rid of this thing, "this wasn't what it looked like."

"I was lying. I am having a torrid affair with your husband."

"You are not," Kylie was adamant. "Even if you were a real person I'd know there was some reasonable explanation involving you getting locked out of your apartment naked or something. I trust him," she finished emphatically.

The apparition didn't like that. It didn't like it one bit. Its eyes burned red with anger, and then suddenly it dissolved into smoke and flame. Then, still smoking and flaming, it took on the form of a cat and lashed out at Kylie with fiery claws. She jumped back in alarm, and then had the bright idea of turning the detachable showerhead on it. The fire-cat was no more real than the towel-clad woman had been, but the rush of water seemed to get rid of it. Kylie breathed out heavily, did what she had come to do in the first place and then left the bathroom, only to find Garrett, Roland and Eduardo hanging around outside.

"What was all the chat about?" Garrett asked innocently.

"The ghost left me a little surprise," said Kylie. "I had a conversation with a naked woman who tried to convince me she was sleeping with Eduardo, and then when I talked her down she turned into a weird fiery cat thing and tried to kill me."

"So the ghost was here?" asked Garrett.

"No," said Kylie. "It wasn't the ghost. It wasn't anything – just an illusion, so I couldn't blast it. It probably wasn't even me turning the shower on it that got rid of it."

"Could it have killed you?" Roland asked uncertainly.

Kylie shrugged. "I don't know."

"That's so weird," remarked Eduardo. "According to that thing Roland showed us she never actually confronted anybody, she only ever tried to pin anything on the wife and she definitely never tried to kill anyone. Maybe she's getting desperate."

"Desperate?" echoed Kylie, raising her eyebrows. "Why? Why is it so important to her to split us up? I don't understand."

"Don't worry about it, babe," Eduardo said soothingly, putting his arms around her. "She's hit us with everything she's got. She can't split us up."

"What if she hasn't hit us with everything she's got?" demanded Kylie. "What if she really tries to kill me, or you, or, or…?"

"Don't panic," advised Eduardo. "If she comes back and tries something else we'll be ready for her this time. Ok?"

Kylie took a deep breath, and then stepped away from him. She didn't like feeling insecure, and she didn't like leaning on him emotionally. It felt rather anti-feminist, getting whiny and panicky and being soothed by her apparently more levelheaded husband.

"Why us?" she asked evenly. "It doesn't make sense."

"I don't know what to tell you."

"Look," Garrett cut in, "it's just some crazy ghost. It doesn't have to make sense. Now let's get out there and try to track it down!"

x x x

When Wanda arrived home that evening she headed straight for the sofa without even bothering to turn the light on, and managed to sit on Bess. They both screamed like a couple of girls for a few moments, and then Wanda demanded, "Why are you lying on the couch in the dark?"

"I'm thinking," Bess replied morosely.

"About what?"

"Just stuff. My life. I don't know if I want to be a payroll administrator forever."

"So don't," offered Wanda.

"Yeah," was Bess's response.

"This isn't just about paying pizza delivery boys, is it?" Wanda said perceptively. "What's the matter with you?"

"I saw Eduardo again today."

"Again? Really? What a coincidence."

"Perhaps."

"Right, so…?"

"You were wrong. He's not interested in starting an affair with me."

"Well, you wouldn't have an affair with him anyway," said Wanda. "Would you?"

Bess simply shrugged.

"Don't tell me you're still hung up on him."

"He was good to me," Bess said defensively. "I know you can't see past all those cheap moves he pulled on you, but there's more to him than that."

"Come on, Bess," Wanda said, speaking more kindly this time. "He'll always be special to you because he was your first, but it was eight-and-a-half years ago. You need to move on."

"Yeah," muttered Bess. "Because he's married now. And he's faithful."

Wanda opened her mouth and then bit something back, but Bess didn't notice. She sloped off to her room, sat on her bed and pulled something out from under the pillow. "Useless," she muttered, staring down at the filthy old cloth doll in her hand. And to think she'd let the thing sit around for a year and a half because she'd actually been apprehensive about messing around with that stuff again. Still, what did she expect for three dollars from E-bay? She stood up, crossed the room, stuffed the doll into a drawer and wondered if she could sell it on for any more than three bucks.

x x x

"It's you, thank God," Kylie hissed furtively, when Kevin opened to door to her and Eduardo. "Can we just take our children and leave please?"

"No," said Kevin. "Come in. Mom's making enough dinner so that you can stay."

Kylie scowled. "She's still making dinner?"

"Dad can't cook."

"Has he ever tried?"

"Look," Kevin said quietly. "I don't think they've quite worked everything out yet, but my recklessness and insensitivity has apparently brought them closer together. Mom doesn't think I should do my travelling thing either." He looked at Eduardo. "Please can you try to convince them it's a good idea?"

Eduardo flinched. "I don't want to cause any more arguments, Kev."

"What's this?" asked Kylie, entering through the door as Kevin stepped aside to let them in.

"It's two things actually," said Kevin. "One is that I told my dad I don't want to become a cop, and the other is that I'm planning to do as much travelling as I can on the inheritance I got from my grandfather."

"That sounds like a really good idea."

"Really? You think so? Can you convince my parents? After dinner, I mean."

Kylie nodded. "You bet."

Eduardo winced. It was a close-fought race, but Kylie definitely had her nose in front nowadays when it came to aggravating Carl.

"I thought," said Kylie, "that you couldn't enter the police academy until you were twenty."

"It's twenty-two now," said Kevin. "Dad was pretty annoyed when that happened, but then he was all like: 'Never mind, Kev, you'll just have to be an auxiliary cop for an extra two years.'"

"That's like being a cop but without any of the really useful stuff like the right to arrest, isn't it?"

"Something like that. You can start when you're seventeen."

"When he suggested it to me ten years ago almost to the day," said Eduardo, "I told him where to go."

"But I'm not as brave as that," Kevin went on, "so I used school as an excuse and he assumed I'd start after I graduated."

"And you," said a brusque voice from the living room doorway, "never bothered to correct me."

Kevin jumped about a foot in the air, and then turned to face his father. "There was no point in telling you anything before I completely made up my mind," he said reasonably. "Come on, Dad – can't you just accept it and move on?"

"Kevin's eighteen, Carl, and he's perfectly capable of making his own decisions," Kylie put in. "And you should support him, whatever he decides."

Carl scowled. "Is this any of your business?"

"Please stop," begged Kevin. "Mom wants us all to have a nice family dinner with no squabbling. Remember, Dad?"

"Yeah, well," muttered Carl, who was currently very keen to keep Beth happy. "We'll talk about this tomorrow."

"I can't wait," muttered Kevin. "Anyway, Rose is in the living room – she's been drawing little pictures of animals with Dad…"

Carl coloured slightly, and Eduardo smirked.

"…and Chita's in the kitchen with Mom shelling peas."

"Shelling peas?" echoed Eduardo. "Great. She'll make a proper little housewife someday, won't she, Ky."

"That's so funny I can't even laugh," retorted Kylie.

She then made for the kitchen, not because she was keener to see Conchita than Rose, but because she was hoping there might be a couple of ibuprofen tablets in there. She was experiencing that dull pain just below her navel and the inexplicable tugging feeling in the small of her back that could only mean one thing (fortunately she had come prepared for it). In a way, it was intensely irritating; Eduardo had not only declined a bout of lovemaking the night before, but had also refused to do more than hold hands while they were staying with his aunt in Mexico. With another week of celibacy looming, that would bring the total up to a record breaking three weeks and two days. However it also came as something of a relief; having another baby was a nice idea, but in reality it would be about as practical as a chocolate teapot.

"Hello, sweetheart." Kylie walked over to where Conchita was shelling peas, and hugged her. "Beth, have you got any ibuprofen?"

"No, sorry," said Beth. "We've got some aspirin."

Aspirin wasn't ideal, because it encouraged the bleeding, but Kylie knew she had to put up with this if she wanted to kill the pain. She took two tablets with a glass of water, and then said, "So, Beth… how's things?"

"Better," said Beth. "He seems to be willing to listen anyway. That looks like enough peas, Chita, thank you."

"Is there anything else I can do?" asked Conchita.

"Um…" Beth looked around the kitchen, and saw that the only remaining tasks involved something sharp or hot or both. "Not right now, honey, thank you."

"Chita," said Kylie. "What do you want to be when you grow up?"

"Um." Conchita blinked those big green bush baby eyes of hers. "Do I have to decide now?"

"No. Only… well, you don't want to be shelling peas for the rest of your life, do you?"

"No. I don't mind shelling peas, but it isn't very interesting. Not for more than a few minutes anyway."

She trotted off to find her father, leaving Kylie and Beth alone.

"Did I hear Kevin telling you about this whole business with his inheritance?" asked Beth. "He's being very irresponsible if you ask me. He might need that money in the future. Imagine if Eduardo had squandered all his inheritance when he was eighteen. How would you ever have been able to afford to move out of our garage?"

"Well," said Kylie. "It's his money."

Beth nodded. "I know."

"You're glad he doesn't want to join the police force, though, aren't you? I wouldn't get a wink of sleep if I thought one of my kids could be in that much danger."

"I am glad, actually," Beth confessed. "Carl's furious. You may have noticed."

"Yeah, well, he's no right to be."

"Oh no? He is his father."

"So what? It has to be Kevin's decision."

"This," Beth said dryly, "from the woman who just told her daughter never to become a housewife."

Kylie blinked. "I didn't tell her that."

"You did."

"I didn't!"

"So if one of your girls ever did decide to become a full-time wife and mother," Beth persisted, "you would have nothing to say about it?"

"I don't know," said Kylie. "I can't see it happening, to be honest. They're not like that."

"Like what?" demanded Beth. "Like me? I chose this lifestyle, Kylie, just like you chose yours. It doesn't make me inferior."

"I never said it did."

"But that's what you think."

"It doesn't matter what I think. If you're happy…"

"I am."

"Good."

Beth was stonily silent after that, so Kylie made the wise decision to slink away. She was beginning to wonder if she really did have a negative effect on this family. Not that it was any of that interfering ghost's business. Still, she seemed to have made herself scarce, at least for the rest of the day.

"Hey, babe." Eduardo met Kylie out in the hallway. "Are you ok? You looked like you were in pain back there."

"Period cramps," explained Kylie. "Which fortunately means I can blame that little temper tantrum yesterday on hormones."

"Oh, Kylie." Eduardo pulled a face. "Timing."

"Actually it was three days late."

"Is that a lot?"

"Not really. Not if I'm stressed or I've had stuff on my mind, which I have. Last night when I climbed on top of you I thought maybe we'd encourage it, but it seems to have managed all right by itself."

Eduardo wrinkled his nose. "How does that work?"

"It stimulates the uterus. Encourages whatever's in there to come out."

"Does it?"

"Yes. Don't you remember when I was pregnant with Chita, and she was like two days overdue and I had this stupid panic they'd want to induce my labour, and the midwife advised us to have sex?"

"Yeah."

"Didn't you ever wonder why?"

"Kylie. I've been wondering that for the past five years."

Kylie laughed. "Oh babe, I do love you." She stood up on tiptoe and craned her neck to kiss him.

x x x

Constantine bit her lip. Sally was bleeding like… like… she had never seen anything like it. She felt Sally's body go limp, and then slump to the floor. Constantine took a step back, and then glanced down at the doll, still clutched in a tight fist. She opened her fingers slowly, and stared. Coincidence? God, how she hoped so. If she had ever really wanted to take it this far with Sally, she was cured of that now. The blood from her fingers, where her rusty old childhood needles had stabbed her, had gathered between the doll's legs.

"I don't believe this," murmured Constantine, addressing the doll. "Just don't die, Sally. Please don't die."

She stared down at the doll for a good few moments, and then she could have sworn she saw its expression change. A cloud of darkness seemed to wash over its dirty, worn little face, just for a moment. Constantine screamed, and threw the doll across the room. Then she looked down.

Sally was dead.

x x x

Somewhere on the Astral Plane:

Were you watching all of that?

Sure. It's amazing what the world is coming to, isn't it? My wife just used lie in bed for a few days, tell the boys she had her "monthly visitor" and refuse to let me within three feet of her.

I meant before that.

Oh. Yeah. Some of it. I had to keep an eye on Carl as well.

Of course. I'm sure they'll work it out.

They should do, as long as Beth doesn't get too many more crazy ideas from your granddaughter.

Great-granddaughter.

Whatever.

You don't like Kylie very much, do you?

I like her fine. She's not exactly the kind of woman I pictured him settling down with, I admit, but she makes him happy and that's what matters. It gives you a sense of perspective, doesn't it, being this way.

Absolutely.

You know what sucks? Just when Eddie finally gets himself sorted, Carl starts having problems with his family. Why can't they both be in a good place in their lives at the same time? There always seems to be some kind of problem with one of them – it's not good for me, all this worrying. I wish I could actually do something about it. I wish I could knock some sense into Carl – make him see how important it is for him to maintain a good relationship with his son.

You don't mind Kevin spending all your money on travelling?

What good would that do? There's nothing I can do about it. But anyway, the money isn't the point. Suppose Carl dies tomorrow. It'd break Kevin's heart. I wasn't getting on with Eddie when I died, and now it pisses him off all the time. He wishes we parted on better terms.

Don't you?

Not really. I was hard on him because he was a rude sulky little bastard, but he knows I loved him. I can't believe he doesn't think I'm proud of him. That's so insulting. I'm a nice guy. I'm very reasonable. Why wouldn't I be proud?

Well, perhaps you should let him know.

How can I? I've been hanging around him for years and he never realises. He doesn't notice these things. It's so unfair – you don't have these problems with Kylie.

Yes, well, she and I were very close.

I know you were. I'm still pissed that you got a kid named after you and I didn't.

I thought you said being dead gave you a sense of perspective.

So it does. That's important. If your dad dies you name a kid after him, for crying out loud!

Well, what were they supposed to call her? Alberta?

Huh. It's no worse than Conchita.

It wouldn't suit her.

Sure it would, if she'd been called it all her life.

Oh, stop. He didn't do it on purpose to annoy you. He called her Conchita because he thinks it's a nice name. Perhaps if she'd been a boy… well, you could always call that baby of yours by your own name, you know. He might have been, if things were different.

No, no, he wouldn't have. Don't ask me how I know, but he's definitely a Nicolas.

THE END