God Harry why do you do this to me?
You're everything I despise in a human being
Cruelty
Selfishness
Hatred
Violence… that one's just for me I guess?
God. Why am I still here then?
Because you are. That sweet, troubled and loving boy I married is still in
there. I see his sorrow flicker behind those vivid green eyes that have him trapped.
Because you are. Aren't you my love? Trapped?
He hates himself more than the world. He thinks I don't see the raised red lines that trace his wrists.
He drinks himself stupid,
He comes home,
He beats me,
He…rapes me,
He locks himself in the bathroom then takes out his hate on himself.
I take it back. Violence. He shares that one between the two of us.
There you are Harry lying between the sheets next to me in a drunken sleep I don't want to touch you in case you wake up angrier than before.
Still something is needed to soothe those angry lines up your arm; the fresh ones are still bleeding.
I kiss his cheek. I want to leave now pack up some clothes and take Delia some place safe. But I just can't – he needs my help, not abandonment.
I rest my cheek in the groove under his chin I fit in. I find it comforting that he automatically moves his hand to my waist and sleepily breathes my name into my hair.
I don't even flinch.
Much
I indulge in this moment of feeling safe between bruises and beatings that are my reality.
I want us to be like this forever, I want Delia to wake up every morning to a mummy and daddy this close.
But that's not a thing that Harry will let happen.
For him I am only a treasure to be loved and cared for in his subconscious.
Only his dreams will allow him to love me.