Disclaimer: We've used up our funny-ness in writing this chapter, so this disclaimer is dull as a blunt axe.
-------------------------------------------------
Part XII
From: frozenexpression(at)operapopulaire. com
To: prettyinpink(at)dechagny. net
Subject: Your Anorexia
Darling Raoul, I've been learning about eating disorders in my health class. After careful thinking, I believe that you are anorexic.
Oops, scratch that, we're supposed to use the "'I' Statement" when counseling; ahem: I'm dreadfully worried about you because you exhibit some signs of disordered eating that may or may not eventually develop into anorexia. There we go, much better!
Seriously, though, you do fit the signs uncannily..:
-- Thinning hair – ever since last month.. remember? Same time you made that new conditioner..
-- Pale/ashen – you're always so pale now!
-- Fainting spells – my tutor says that he sees you feeling dizzy most of the time
-- Skipping meals – Meg says your excuse is that you're busy writing poetry to the love of your life, but I haven't gotten any…
-- Nervous – especially around my angel… I suppose he found you out, and you're afraid he'll tattle? Don't worry, he didn't tell me, I figured it all out!
-- Loss of interest in activities – you're always so sullen, and look like you can't concentrate…
Don't worry, my love. I've signed you up for a rehabilitation program. A coach will arrive for you in 15 minutes, and you shall stay there for as long as needed to make you well again, probably no longer than a couple of decades!
Luvs,
Chrissie
"…angel of music…"
-------------------------------------------------
From: prettyinpink(at)dechagny, net
To: frozenexpression(at)operapopulaire. com
Subject: RE: Your Anorexia
Haha, very funny, Christine… Actually, you really had me fooled for a moment there. Then I realized, of course, that you would understand I would never become anorexic. Why, what good would it do me to grow too thin and skeletal to fit into my dashing, fashionable outfits? Not to mention the horrors of pallid hair and complexion associated with eating disorders. How would I woo anyone looking like that?
Hey, I almost imagined I heard a coach pulling up outside. You didn't really call anyone, did you? That would be taking the joke a bit too far. By the way, you were just kidding about the thinning hair, weren't you?
Oh no, they're at the door… Chrissie, my childhood friend, my flower, you wouldn't really do this to me, would you? Please, Christine… they're coming in now… don't let them takSVKBSKDRJGB
"I feel pretty… oh, so pretty…"
-------------------------------------------------
From: frozenexpression(at)operapopulaire. com
To: undergroundlunatic(at)operapopulaire. com
Subject: Your Tuberculosis
My dearest Angel of Music,
I am writing to tell you how worried I have become ever since our lesson yesterday. I am troubled by the moment when you stepped away from my music book and coughed.
Yes, the cough was cleverly disguised to look small and insignificant, but I could tell how it wracked your delicate (but manly!… and so very gorgeous and sexy) frame. After some research, I have concluded that you are at a great risk for tuberculosis.
Clearly, the only solution is to get you out of that damp, disgusting dungeon and moved to some more health-inducing quarters. I am confident that with rest and some TLC you will be fine soon if we move you right away!
Luv'n'huggles,
Christine
"…angel of music…"
-------------------------------------------------
From: undergroundlunatic(at)operapopulaire. com
To: frozenexpression(at)operapopulaire. com
Subject: RE: Your Tuberculosis
Nonsense, ma petite,
I'm as healthy as a beanstalk…er (oh look, a pun!). There's no need to worry about me! I will not have you fretting over my non-existent illness… your time is more wisely spent practicing your scales, or drooling over me, come to think of it…
No worries,
Erik
"The Phantom of the Opera is there… inside your mind!"
-------------------------------------------------
From: frozenexpression(at)operapopulaire. com
To: undergroundlunatic(at)operapopulaire. com
Subject: RE: RE: Your Tuberculosis
Oh no, dear tutor! Besides, it's better to be safe than sorry… I've been thinking about how absolutely unsanitary your cave is…
Perhaps I can convince the managers to let you move into my chambers, since it's so big and empty, and I'm all alone most of the time…
Your mask,
Christine
"…angel of music…"
-------------------------------------------------
From: undergroundlunatic(at)operapopulaire. com
To: frozenexpression(at)operapopulaire. com
Subject: RE: Your Tuberculosis
Ah oui? Your suite? I mean…
Come to think of it, I have been coughing persistently lately, and am more often seized by bouts of chest pain. Perhaps you are indeed correct, as you most often are.
So, mademoiselle, when do I move in?
Your sickly tutor who will greatly improve with fresh air from your bedroom,
Erik
"The Phantom of the Opera is there… inside your mind!"
-------------------------------------------------
From: frozenexpression(at)operapopulaire. com
To: frenchlady(at)operapopulaire. com
Subject: Meg's Suicidal Tendencies
Mme Giry,
Lately I have become worried by my dear friend Meg's behavior. As her mother, I wanted to let you know about the delicate situation. You see, Meg is displaying clear signs of suicidal tendencies. Over the course of the past few days, during which we have been learning about suicidal disorders in my health class, I have grown more and more convinced that Meg may do herself harm in the future.
Her gloomy attitude (especially when you tell her to practice with one hundred more pirouettes!), the way she has been sneaking around near Andre and Firmin, her authority figures—it all points to mental instability.
After seeing her clearly staring out the windows more than once, I am sure that she was ready to jump! She seemed annoyed after I tackled her to the floor, but that is only to be expected. People in her state are incapable of seeing the good we are trying to do them by curing them. I'm sure her shouting was only a thin cover for her disappointment that she was unable to successfully defenestrate herself.
I suggest that, in order to cure Meg, we:
-- take the door off of her room so she cannot shut herself inside and commit suicide
-- board up her windows so she cannot jump out
-- keep someone watching her at all times when she is out of her room
-- set up a suicide alert and a window watch
-- make sure she stays away from my angel of music. After all, he is a rather angsty individual, and the gloom might only encourage her!
These measures should be enough to keep her safe until I can cure her of her unfortunate tendencies!
Luv,
Christine
"…angel of music…"
-------------------------------------------------
From: blondeballetrat(at)operapopulaire. com
To: castncrew(at)operapopulaire. com; prettyinpink(at)dechagny. net; bigbrotha(at)dechagny. net
Subject: Goodbye, cruel opera house!
Dear all,
I don't know why, but everyone's been rather mean to me lately. First, they remove my doors and board up my windows… and then they confiscate my scissors… and I'm not even allowed to try to find darling Erik… and everyone gives me strange looks… and there's always someone following me… and they have recently added thick padding to my walls…
All this is getting to be too much, but don't worry. I shan't have to endure this for much longer!
Remember me when I'm gone,
Meg
"Cute and blonde since 1854!"
-------------------------------------------------
From: frozenexpression(at)operapopulaire. com
To: frenchlady(at)operapopulaire. com
Subject: FW: Goodbye, cruel opera house!
Eeeeeeek! Whatever shall we do? I wasn't trained for this!
-Chrissie
"…angel of music…"
-------------------------------------------------
From: frenchlady(at)operapopulaire. com
To: frozenexpression(at)operapopulaire. com
Subject: RE: FW: Goodbye, cruel opera house!
Christine, Dearie,
I don't know… I guess we should just make the most of the time while she's still with us.
Cheer up,
Mme Giry
"Don't just do it, dance it!"
-------------------------------------------------
From: frozenexpression(at)operapopulaire. com
To: frenchlady(at)operapopulaire. com
Subject: RE: RE: FW: Goodbye, cruel opera house!
What?1 Do you not care that she's leaving us?1 Are you not going to miss her?1! A great mother you are…
"…angel of music…"
-------------------------------------------------
From: frenchlady(at)operapopulaire. com
To: frozenexpression(at)operapopulaire. com
Subject: RE: RE: RE: FW: Goodbye, cruel opera house!
Don't be silly… of course we're all going to miss Meg, and it is because I'm a good mother that I am not being so selfish and trying to keep her with me.
Think of it this way, Chrissie dear, Meg's going to be in a better place; she'll be happier there!
- Mme Giry
PS. Besides, I'm sure she'll come back and visit! I'm sure you'll see her again sooner than you think!
"Don't just do it, dance it!"
-------------------------------------------------
From: frozenexpression(at)operapopulaire. com
To: frenchlady(at)operapopulaire. com
Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: FW: Goodbye, cruel opera house!
OMGWTF?1 What the "heck" are you talking about? Why exactly are you supporting your daughter's idea of suicide?
And uhh… I don't particularly want a Meg-Ghost to come back and haunt me… and I really don't want to join her indeath so quickly… plus, I'm going to Purgatory, not Hell...
-Chrissie
"…angel of music…"
-------------------------------------------------
From: prettyinpink(at)dechagny. net
To: castncrew(at)operapopulaire. com; bigbrotha(at)dechagny. net
Subject: HELP!
Dear all,
I had resolved recently, thanks to some, ah, gentle urging by Mme Giry, to no longer send mass emails, but desperate times call for desperate measures. Yes, I am now an unfairly convicted member of Jacques's Institute for the Care of Anorexics. It has taken me three torturous days of counseling, group therapy, and force-feeding, but I have finally managed to get access to a computer to contact you.
I beg of you, rescue me! Anyone who has seen me on raspberry torte day in the cafeteria can vouch for my definite freedom from anorexia.
Your miserable patron,
Raoul, le Vicomte de Chagny
P.S.: Don't depend on contacting me through e-mail, I suspect that Jacques may find his computer has been tragically infested by a mysterious virus soon.
-------------------------------------------------
From: frenchlady(at)operapopulaire. com
To: frozenexpression(at)operapopulaire. com
Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: FW: Goodbye, cruel opera house!
Suicide! Heaven forbid, good child!
No no, didn't you hear? Meg got a 2-year contract with a touring group in Strasbourg! So she's leaving our opera house for the time being. Nadir's going with her too… ooh, I am going to miss that hunk of a man…
Mme Giry
"Don't just do it, dance it!"
-------------------------------------------------
Authors' Note: Love it? Hate it? Got suggestions for the next special feature? Is the slashy-slash making you sick? Does Christine seem too intelligent? Miss the love poems? Want to declare your undying love for Raoul? Tell us all in a review! (And we'll actually respond to them now!)