Should Have Been Me

I look back now and see that all I really wanted was to talk my night over with Faith. To have her listen to me spill my guts about seein Nicole again; about how awful she was to little Lilly and how I was gonna deal with it. Since I was the Officer on the scene, it was now my case and since Nicole and I had dated a decade ago there was no need to assign anyone else. I wanted to get the bastard who hurt her so bad I could taste it. If it was the last thing I ever did I would make sure that Lilly Nicholson was safe.

The worst part was that even though Faith and I had fought constantly lately I knew that I could come to her and she'd listen. It was part of bein partners and best friends. Even if she was supremely pissed at me I knew that she'd still have my back. And that night I just wanted to forget everythin else and just tell her what was goin on. That's what I had in mind as I started my car and headed over toward her place. Even though I knew it was late, I also knew that she'd be awake and as soon as I rang the buzzer and she let me in, she'd put on a pot of coffee and tell me to spill.

I found my way to her street and found parking no problem. It was twelve thirty at night and most people were inside their homes while I was crusin the streets still wound up from my night with Nicole; her daughter's helpless face flashing before my eyes every few seconds, silently pleading for me to help her. I jumped out and slammed the door hard. I had so much restless energy that I had to either do some running before I attempted to go to bed or drink about ten beers. As I walked toward the building I saw a familiar car parked, but idling. There was no mistaking Sean's sleek black Porsche and I vaguely wondered if he was lookin for me. I continued on, each step I took making my stomach turn and my breathing become irregular. I knew even before I got there. I knew.

In a moment your whole world can change; What you thought you knew, the people you trusted, the very thing that made you close ta that person—it can all end with a bang. Nothin is ever the same again or at least that's how ya feel at the time.

That's how I felt when I saw Faith kissin my best friend. When I looked into the car I could tell that Sean was kissin someone and it should have occurred to me immediately that it was Faith. After all they were parked in front of her buildin. Sean's car windows were tinted but not so much so that you couldn't tell what was goin on inside and when he rolled that window down and I saw her face I felt my heart crack and split in two. Sounds like some stupid love movie or somethin but I felt something that I'd never felt for my partner before. Heart break at seein the woman you love kiss another guy.

I didn't know what was worse; him betrayin me or her. It was a toss-up and either way I looked at it I was pissed. Not only had my best friend gone behind my back after I had already told him that Faith wasn't available, but he'd gone and kissed her when it should have been me.

And her. Don't even get me started on how I felt about her. I could fill a book...but since I"m here anyways I might as well empty my guts. The way that I operate is very simple; I don't lie, I don't beat around the bush and I never, ever, go after a friends girl. It's like guy code or somethin. Ya don't go there. Ever. But she went there an I honestly felt so angry at that moment that I could have reached out an slapped her beautiful face.

And that's an entirely different matter, one that scares me ta death. My ole man hit my ma and my brother and I for as long as I can remember. Even when I got older I always swore that I'd never lay a hand on a woman, but that night all I could think about was the fact that I wanted to hit Faith. I wanted to make her hurt the way that she hurt me and it made me sick. Was I destined to go through life the same way my father did? It actually hurt my head to think about it.

So, what did I do? I turned around and jammed my hands in my pockets and started walkin away as fast as I could. I couldn't look at her ; not even for a second for fear that I would say somethin that I'd regret; for fear that she'd see the tears that had come to my eyes, stinging me and makin me feel worse than any other woman ever had before. I knew she'd follow me even before I heard the sound of the door slam.

And then I heard it; the unmistakable sound of her voice; high pitched and irregular, as if she felt guilty about bein caught like that. How could they not have told me? My thoughts went back to the night when she was in the locker room talkin on her cell phone. It was him she was talkin to. It made me so jealous that I wanted to scream.

"Bosco, wait!" She called, again, this time louder. Her high heels clicked on the pavement as she ran.

"Go to hell!" I yelled over my shoulder as I walked toward my car. I was actually shaking with rage and hurt at that point and knew that I had to beat it before she caught up with me.

"Bos, please stop and talk to me!" She cried. "I meant to tell you—I just didn't know how." She continued lamely.

I laughed sarcastically wondering how in the hell she actually thought that I'd buy that line. Hell, I'd invented that sorry-ass line myself and had used it about a thousand times. I stopped and stood still a moment, contemplating what I could say that would really really hurt her. I blinked back the stinging tears in my eyes and then tipped my head back and shook my head as I clenched my fists together.

"We didn't mean to."

There was no end to what this woman could do to me with her words, with her very bein'. Didn't mean to? What was that? The consolation prize for coming in second? The thing that people say when they have nothin else? When they have no more excuses and will say just about anythin? I don't think so.

"Bosco—"

"Don't!" I yelled at her, still not turning around. "Don't talk to me. Leave me the hell alone!"

She walked up behind me and softly put her hand on my shoulder. I yanked away as if her touch burned me. "Bosco, please turn around and talk to me."

"Just go 'way. Didn't ya hear me?"

She sighed. "Listen, we were going to tell you. Sean said at dinner tonight that he didn't want to keep secrets from you and neither do I. I know that you didn't want me going out with him but I like him, Bos, I really do and you should be happy for me." She said softly.

"Happy for you? Cause you lied to me? That's rich Faith, even for you."

"Yes, happy! I finally found someone that treats me good and we had a great time tonight. I don't know why you don't want me to go out with him."

"He's my best friend and you're my partner. It doesn't work." I spat between clenched teeth. "Believe me." I added, thinking that if I had to hear about some kind of sex that was going to happen between them, I'd shoot myself.

"You don't know that."

"You aren't his type." I said, biting down on my lip. "Trust me on that one." Even though my back was turned I could tell how much I had hurt her, but I didn't stop there.

"I certainly seemed like his type tonight. He kissed me. He wants to go out with me again—" She tried to reason with me.

"He'd of kissed anyone, Faith. You're not the first and you won't be the last." I said meanly.

"You have no right to be this angry, Bosco." She accused me, her tone hurting and insulted, and then angry as well. "If you want the truth, it isn't any of your business anyway. You did this to yourself."

This time I turned to face her, not expecting to see how absolutely breath-takin she was. My jaw dropped and I had trouble thinking about what it was that I wanted to say as I scanned her from head to toe. My eyes hungrily darted from her long silky hair to her made up face, down her tight red dress that clung to her breasts and then down to her legs and back up again. My lips parted as I stared at her.

"Bosco?"

"What?" I said, trying to regain the moment while trying to not be totally aroused by the way she looked.

"I said you did this to yourself. You lied to Sean and you lied to me." She threw in my face, her own blue eyes starting to water because she was so mad. "You didn't have any right to do what you did and you don't have any right to be mad now. Just because you think that I'm not good enough for your friend doesn't mean that he thinks that too." She yelled at me, a tear running down her cheek. She pointed at me as I stood there stupidly. "I may not be the most sophisticated woman in the world and I may not be refined and I don't work for Donald Trump, but Sean likes me. He doesn't care. But do you know what hurts me the most?"

I looked away and took a deep breath.

"Do you?" She asked again, smoothing down her flyaway hair and carefully wiping the black mascara smudge from her below her eye.

I shook my head and jammed my hands in my pockets again, waiting for her verbal assault.

"What hurts me the most is that we've been partners for almost thirteen years and you don't think I'm good enough to go out with your friend."

I let out the breath I'd been holding in, frustrated and ran my hands through my hair. "That's not what I said!" I yelled, feeling so much like cryin I could hardly breathe.

"Yes you did!"

"No—I didn't!"

"You didn't want me to go out with him—why did you lie to me?" She raged.

"I didn't lie to you, Faith." I said between clenched teeth again. " I just didn't tell you the whole truth."

She folded her arms across her chest and stood there, the gentle breeze blowing through her hair; her mascara clumpin to her eyelashes; her lips all pouty and those blue eyes welled up with a thousand tears and all I could feel was my own eyes moistenin. Hastily, I turned from her a moment and quickly swiped at my eyes before turning back to her.

"I didn't lie." I said again, kicking the dirt beneath my feet with the toe of my boot. "You heard what you wanted to hear. That's all."

"And what is that supposed to mean?"

I looked her in the eye and swallowed the lump that had come into my throat. "It means that maybe I didn't want you to go out with him because—because I couldn't—".

A sharp horn blast interrupted me. We both turned and saw Sean rolling his window down again. "Faith, I've got to get going soon. You almost done?"

She turned back to me, a quizzical look on her face as if she knew I was about to say somethin that would rock her world.

"Because you—" She prompted, tilting her head to me, giving me the courage to go on. "Bosco?" She asked when I didn't say any more.

"Uh—Go back to your date, Faith. I'll see you in the morning." I said and turned and walked away as fast as I could.

This time she didn't follow.