Butterflies

"Shh. Relax…"

I felt his voice soothe my whole being. As he brushed his hand over my face, gently closing my eyelids, I felt a huge burden lift from my shoulders.

"Breathe in and out, steadily and deeply…"

I did as he said and allowed myself to let go of the memories haunting me: recollections of my childhood. They had been torturing me for so long, to the extent that a razor now lay not too far away on the floor and my head rested on Shikamaru's lap, being calmed by his gentle whispers.

"Empty your mind and think about nothing…"

Suddenly, my stomach knotted. "I can't… All I can see is…"

"Face it," Shikamaru said simply. "Don't try to avoid it, but don't try to think about it too much. This is the only way you'll be able to get over it."

Silent tears rolled gently down my cheeks, leaving a silvery trail. I hated what I was seeing… The pain… The blood… The fear…

My breath staggered as I inhaled and I spluttered, causing more tears to fall. "Shika…!"

"Sshhh…" Again he tried to silence my cries. Why was he doing this? Why was he putting me through this torture?

"I can't..!"

"You can. Now, just be quiet, lay still and empty your mind."

Once again obeying his orders, I forced myself to stop the hysterics. This wasn't how I wanted people to see me. I didn't want them to think I was just a blubbering child. No. I'd have quite enough of that. I'd shed too many tears in my life already. My body and mind was serene once more…

I gasped. "Shikamaru!"

The image in my mind had suddenly morphed into something completely diverse. There wasn't any suffering. There wasn't a crimson sky. There were no more tears. Instead, I was stood unaccompanied in a field of luscious vegetation with a mild spring breeze ruffling my hair. I was in a place I could only dream of.

"Gaara!"

I tried opening my eyes, but found I couldn't. Then I realised, the voice I heard was in my thoughts. It was subconscious.

"Gaara!" it called again.

I searched around me for the owner of the voice. Where was it coming from? Who was it?

"Gaa-chan!"

Spinning on my heel, I gaped at what I found behind me. Shikamaru stood with his arm outstretched, his hand awaiting my own. He smiled softly as he stood in the field, the blades of grass tickling at the flesh his cropped trousers didn't cover. This was the sort of thing I'd only seen at the movies.

"Come on, Gaara! Let's go! You can do this! I believe in you!"

Suddenly, I had brand new faith building inside of me. The memories which once tormented me didn't seem to matter any more. All that I cared about was getting over them, and to create new memories, eventually neutralising the bad.

Before I knew it, my hand had reached out for his and grabbed a firm hold.

"I knew you could…"

My eyes snapped open. I was panting heavily. I pulled away, realising my arms were flung around the real Shikamaru's neck and I was snuggled up into his chest.

"Gomen ne!" I cried. "I'm sorry! I don't know..! I wasn't in my right mind! I'm so stupid!"

Shikamaru tilted his head and just smiled. "You did it. Good for you."

The next thing… Shikamaru was gone… for good.

"He didn't say where he was going?" I asked, frowning.

"No," Naruto replied. "Sasuke and I were sat watching a film on television, when we heard Shika saying he was going out. The door closed and that was it. He didn't say a word more or a word less."

I sat back in my chair. "Why would he suddenly disappear like this?"

I sighed. Four days ago, almost instantly after stopping me from trying to commit suicide, Shikamaru just upped and left. Nobody had any idea where'd gone, and apparently no one had seen him leave either. Though, that wasn't surprising. It was in the middle of the night and not many would have been awake.

"Look," Naruto said softly. "Don't fret so much. You'll do yourself some damage." He smiled weakly at me. "We're all worried about him, but he'll find his way back here sooner or later. You know what Shika's like."

"I guess…"

Sasuke sat down by Naruto, gripping his hand tightly. "If there's anything we can do for you, Gaara, then just ask."

I smiled in thanks, looking at their linked hands. I hadn't told a soul about what I saw whilst laid on Shikamaru's lap four days ago. But everything seemed to hint at it. Maybe it was time I got it off my chest..?

"Could you… spare five minutes, while I talked about something?" I stuttered.

"Of course," Sasuke grinned. "We know you're worrying the most about Shika's disappearance, so talking will do you some good."

I tucked my knees under my chin, looking at a patch of carpet. "On the night of Shika's disappearance… I… tried slashing my wrist."

Naruto leapt up. "You did what? Oh, Gaara, why?"

"That's not important right now," I tried to explain. "There's something else I need to talk about."

Sasuke clamped his hands over Naruto's mouth. "Continue."

"Well… Shikamaru walked in just as I was about to bring the blade to my skin." I looked even further to the ground. "He stopped me, and helped me to talk about how I was feeling."

"But that wasn't enough?"

"Yes! It was more than enough. It's after that… which is what I need to talk about," I explained, a little annoyed that they kept interrupting me, making it just that little bit harder.

"I see…" Sasuke whispered.

"Well, he made me lie down with him and tried to make me relax. I did… but… All I could see were the memories that had caused me to go to the extreme.

But then, something weird happened. I can't explain it, but it was like every trouble I'd ever had just melted away. Suddenly I was in an unfamiliar field, and there was Shika, holding his hand out to me."

Naruto and Sasuke exchanged quick glances.

"I'm not making it up, and I don't think I'm going mad. I honestly believe that Shikamaru did that," I tried desperately to clarify.

Sasuke scratched his neck. "I dunno. I doubt Shika could do that, even if he is a genius. It's… abnormal. It was probably just because you were relaxed and your thoughts reflected your mood."

I scowled. "But why was Shikamaru there?"

"Maybe it was because he helped you to relax..?"

I frowned. "Sasuke…"

"Or maybe…" Naruto began. "Maybe it has something to do with your internal, trivial feelings? You know, your true emotions?"

I sighed. "What do you mean?"

"Well, uh…" The blonde shuffled awkwardly. "Let's just get this out of the way. Maybe you love him?"

Sasuke choked. "Naruto!"

It was my turn to shuffle awkwardly. "Naruto…"

Naruto continued anyway. "How do you feel when you're around him?"

"Well… At first, I just… thought of him as a friend. But then… I guess… I wanted to see him more and more often… And then… Four nights ago… I had this weird feeling in the pit of my stomach… Like butterflies when you're nervous… It wouldn't go away… And every time I looked at him, the feeling grew stronger… The somehow I ended up hugging him… and it was overwhelming. I couldn't even look at him after that."

Naruto sunk back in his chair, pondering my words.

I waited in anticipation for his answer.

"Well…" Naruto said finally, and sat up straight. "You're in love!"

My eyes widened. "What?"

"It all adds up!" he added. "That was how I felt just before Sasuke and I got together."

"I do not love Shikamaru!" I shouted, now on the edge of my seat. "I do not!"

Naruto just shrugged. "If you deny it, you'll only end up wanting to reach for that razor again."

I stood and slammed my palms down onto the coffee table. It should've hurt, but what Naruto had said was still reeling in my mind. "Don't ever say that again! I'm going out. Don't follow me."

I slammed the door behind me.

You're in love!

I scrunched my eyes shut, clenching at my hair.

That's how I felt just before Sasuke and I got together… It all adds up…

I took a deep breath, baring my teeth.

You're in love!

I feel to my knees. "I'm in love, okay? I'm infatuated by you Shikamaru! I wanna be with you!"

I cried, my tears falling to the concrete below me, and ignored the looks from passing strangers.

"Oh my, I wonder what's wrong with him."

"Should we go help him?"

"No!" I cried out. "I don't need anybody's help except Shikamaru's!"

"Oh dear. Come on. Let's just move on."

I punched the ground. "Where are you?"

"Gaara… If you're ever unsure of anything, just follow your heart. Go where it leads you. You'll always find your way if you listen to your soul."

I stood again, this time with a whole new purpose. Shikamaru wasn't returning home any time soon, and nobody was searching for him, so I was going to do it. Right now, my heart wanted Shikamaru right by my side, as selfish as it sounded, so that was exactly what I was going to do.

It was such a cliché, but it scared me to think that the field I saw in my thoughts was actually real. I didn't know it was actually a real field, but somehow I knew I had to find it. I knew Shikamaru would be there. My heart told me so.

The gentle breeze ruffled my hair, blowing from the east.

"So, if the wind… is coming from this direction… then…" I turned so my hair was being blown backwards. "If I turn around now…"

"You found me."

I smiled as I watched the familiar chunin swinging gently with a… divine elegance… on a solitary tree swing. He seemed so at ease, so happy, here.

I beamed, unable to contain myself.

"I wondered how long it would take you. But at least you took my advice in the end. I told you your heart never lies."

Then came the magical part. Just like four nights ago, Shika held out his hand, awaiting mine. I ran through the grass, launching myself upon him. He embraced me tightly, nuzzling my neck.

I often looked at Naruto and Sasuke and wondered how they could be together like they were. I'd never known love before. I didn't think I could ever find it. But I have. And I guess it took me long enough!

Shikamaru… is just everything I've ever wanted. He talks to me like my life is to be valued. He taught me that life is a blessing, and there are ways out of depression and unhappiness without having to resort to self harm.

I know now, right now, that if I were to die, I'd be missed, even if it was only by Shikamaru. And I also know that I'd miss the cruel world I'd left behind because in that harsh place, I found something to take the sting off of existence. Love.

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My entry for Kai-luver-666's contest! Go to her profile and enter now!

Also, thanks to Dave for helping. I have to add this... ¬¬

"I thank Dave for being so totally rad. Seriously. You think I'm kidding. He's rad to the MAX. To the mother lovin' MAX. Can you handle it? NO YOU CANNOT! Which is why I condensed his radness. If I didn't, you'd die."

Don't ask...