Chapter 17–Rose Colored Glasses

After we took Lily's second statement I felt totally drained and helpless, like there was nothing in this whole world that I could do to help ease the pain that she was in. I wished I had a chip to put into her that could do just that. I knew from own childhood that those times and events never went away. For all I knew, she would never even have a regular, normal relationship with anyone ever again. The only thing in my life that had held me together for so long was Faith and without her I seriously doubted that I'd have lived so long.

I leaned back in the seat and put my hand over my eyes. I tried thinkin about the night that Faith and I had ahead of us that should have been filled with love makin, and completely failed. Then I felt like a jerk cause I shoulda been payin more attention to her, especially since it was our first day together. She drove us back to the house but she was unusually quiet, like she really had somethin' on her mind.

"Faith?"

"Ya?"

"Whatcha so quiet for?"

"I'm not quiet am I?"

"Uh–yah."

"Just thinking about stuff, I guess."

"Bout what?"

"I don't know—" She sighed. "Do we really have to get into it now? I just want to go home and sleep until I'm forty."

"Alone?" I asked, almost fearful that she was gonna tell me that she'd decided that last night was a mistake. In the back of my mind I knew that she didn't regret what happened, but at that moment I began to get a little scared. What if she had decided that maybe she wanted to give it a try with Sean? What if I had scared her away? I hoped that she didn't want to go back to bein friends cause after what we had done together last night there was no way I could go back to that.

"Alone?" She asked, puzzled. "As in without you in my bed?"

"Ya—or is that what you want?"

She didn't reply, so I took my hand away and looked over at her. She was chewin on her bottom lip as she drove. I knew she was tired but I also knew her like the back of my hand and I knew that she had somethin ta say but she was thinkin about it first. She always did that when somethin really bothered her.And ta tell ya the truth, I was too tired and drained to try an pull it outta her.

"That's not what I meant." She said softly. She looked over at me and gave me a tight smile. "I don't regret what happened between us and if you want to be in my bed I'd be glad to have you there."

That made me feel better. Knowin that she wasn't sorry about what had happened between us. It made me feel more secure but I still knew that there was somethin else eatin at her.

"So what is it then?"

"Oh, nothing." She said offhandedly. "I feel really bad for that little girl. She's been through hell."

I didn't reply.

There were times that there were no words, absolutely none, that could describe how it felt to do the job that we did. We saw things that no one would believe, let alone want to discuss. There were some things that I had trouble dealin with that had happened years ago. When you're a cop you have to learn to desensitize your feelings, not that many people would agree that I had many of those, but I did, and deal with the most disgusting crap that was known to man. This case pretty much topped it all off.

I put my hand back over my eyes and tried to fight off the throbbing headache that was starting to almost make me feel sick.

I didn't even realize we were back at the house until Faith tapped me on the arm. "Bosco, we're here."

"Huh?"

I felt her hand on my arm again, this time she rubbed her thumb along my forearm. It was still gonna take a while to get used to her touchin me like that. I'd dreamed about it for so long it almost felt too weird...but not weird enough that I didn't want her ta do it. "Are you coming inside?"

"Ya. I was jest thinkin." I mumbled, takin my hand down. I leaned forward and rubbed the back of my neck where it had become stiff. "I'm tired as hell too."

"Well, let's get the paperwork done and go back to my place." She suggested as we went inside. She even held the door open for me. My head was really starting to feel like there was a bomb in there jest waitin to explode.

"Ya." Was all I could say.

As we did up the reports, Faith sat across from me, the end of her pen in her mouth. She always chewed on the ends, it was one of her habits that drove me nuts. I mean, why put a dirty pen in your mouth when you had no clue as to how many dirty hands had been all over it?

"Dammit." I growled. I grabbled the white-out and smeared it across the paper. "Why does this always happen to me?"

"When did you and Nicole break up?"

I snapped my head up and looked at her. "Why? What does that have to do with anything?"

"Just humor me."

I dropped the not-so-useful white-out on desk and ran my hand through my hair. "I dunno—sometime after Christmas I guess."

"You don't remember the date?"

I rolled my eyes. "Noooo—but I do remember that it was the happiest day of my life—what are you asking me all of this stuff for?"

"How old did you say Lily was again?" She asked thoughtfully.

"Ten."

"When's her birthday?"

I looked down at my notes. "August 1st." I looked back up at her again. "Why?"

"Just wondering." She mumbled and leaned back in her chair. "Did you notice her middle name?"

I looked down at the notes again. "Rose." I did a double take and I looked down again and then back up at her. I'd never noticed the middle name before...and so what if it was the same name as my mother...that didn't mean anything...or did it?

"Nice name. So what? Lotsa kids have that middle name." I said, but not confidently. I was really starting to feel sick and panicky because if I really thought hard about it I knew that there was more to the story than either of us knew. Kinda like a sixth sense or somethin—and it was the last thing I wanted.

She leaned forward and rested an elbow on the desk and tucked her hair behind her ear. "Bosco, did you look at that little girl? I mean, really look at her?"

I didn't like that line of questioning and I knew where it was goin. Lily was not my daughter–and there was no way in hell that I had fathered a child ten years ago and wasn't told about it. "Faith—look, I know where you're goin with this–and I gotta tell ya now to stop—I know what you're thinkin." I said testily.

She raised her eyebrows at me and gave me one of her looks. I knew that if I didn't stop it now, it could potentially turn into a fight. "Oh, you do? And what is it that I'm thinking?"

"That kid isn't mine."

There. I'd said it.

"Did you look at those eyes? Did you look at her nose and mouth?" She asked, this time she spoke more gently, as if to ward off a blow, like she was talkin to some damn kid or somethin.

"She's not mine." I said again, a little more loudly. "There's no way in hell that I had a kid with Nicole and she didn't tell me."

Faith sighed and reached over and grabbed my hand. "Bosco–you need to consider it a possibility because she looks like you–she's named after your mother and the timing was right, the dates work out. You need to ask Nicole if it might be possible."

Oh ya—that's exactly what I'd do–just run over to Nicole's house and knock on the front door and ask her if I was the father of her child. That would be a real scene. As much as I didn't want to think about it, what if Faith was right? The wheels were turnin in my mind and it was takin me in a direction that I never thought I'd be goin. All of a sudden I was angry—real mad, like so mad I wanted to punch someone's guts out.

I jumped up from the desk and kicked the garbage can across the room and it landed with a thud on its side. "Dammit!" I yelled. "Dammit, dammit, dammit!"

Faith stood up and started to walk toward me. " Bos—".

I held up my hand. "Don't!" I hissed. "Don't say anything more! I've heard enough and that kid isn't mine! So don't talk about it again!"

"All I'm saying is that you should----"

I widened my eyes. "That I should what? " I held my raised my hands above my head and clenched my fists. "That I should go and see Nicole and ask her if I'm Lily's father just cause you think she looks like me? Cause she has my ma's middle name? Do you know how stupid that would make me look?"

I saw how hurt she was, but I kept goin. "And if I was—which I'm not—her father how the hell am I supposed to help this kid after findin out ten years too late? You just tell me what the hell I'm supposta do Faith!" I started pacing around the room, totally ignoring everything else but the sound of my own voice. "There is no way that I'm her father and no way that I got Nicole pregnant and she didn't tell me."

"I think you're making a mistake if you don't find out." She said.

"Mistake? My whole life's been a mistake!" I raged, coming closer to her. "And if you were smart you'd realize that before it's too late! I'm no good, Faith. I never have been. Cut your losses while you can."

"Bos—" She wiped a tear from the corner of her eye and held out her hand to me.

"I'm sorry. I have to go." I said.

I turned and walked out the door and jogged down the stairs. I didn't know where I was goin, but I knew that I had to get the hell outside and get some fresh air. Faith was better off without me. I'd only end up draggin her down. For her own good I should stay away from her.

Even though it broke my heart to think about it.

We finished up the last details, filed the reports and went into the locker room to change. I watched her out of the corner of my eye.