Chapter Two: Shared Truths
They sat silently for a few moments, sipping their coffee, studying each other.
"Rosemary, why are you doing this?"
"Elizabeth and Lucas have treated you horribly, and I can't just set back and let you shoulder the pain of that on your own. I'm not here to tell you what to do or think. God knows I wouldn't know where to begin because I haven't a clue what your reaction and response should be or will be. I doubt you know yourself. But God also knows I come in good faith. I'm not even sure He hasn't sent me here. I realize I'm the only one in Hope Valley who knows just about everything related to this situation because of numerous reasons."
She continued firmly.
"First and foremost, I'm Elizabeth's best friend, although she's attacked and shunned me through this process as well."
"Second, I'm her neighbor, and despite my reluctance, I've been privy to seeing and hearing things that I would rather have not seen and heard."
"Third, I experienced something yesterday and last night with Elizabeth that was horrific and you need to know."
"Fourth, I'm the daughter of a most honorable Mountie, just like yourself, and I even became engaged to Jack, a Mountie. I understand the profession as much as a woman can. Just another reason I care and owe you the knowledge I have."
"Fifth, and let me be clear about his. I am not here on Elizabeth's behalf. In fact, I'm furious with her over the way she's treated you and allowed Lucas to treat you. It was despicable and not becoming of a lady, especially of her breeding and stature. And it most certainly was not becoming of a supposed gentleman. But make no mistake, Elizabeth is also responsible for the way she allowed Lucas to treat you."
Nathan got up, placed a closed sign on the door, locked it, and then pulled the curtains.
As he sat down again behind his desk, the sad and solemn look on his face, tore at Rosemary's heart.
He let out a heavy sigh, pregnant with repressed devastation and hurt.
But Rosemary noted that, miraculously, there was no anger.
There was absolutely no anger.
"I've never had an advocate before, at least not since Mother and Colleen, someone with my best interests at heart or even someone who looks out for me. I've pretty much had to do that myself since leaving Home. Some, even before. So, I really don't know how to respond to this. But I can tell that you mean what you say. Besides, you have to be sincere, because you have nothing to gain from this. Nor would Elizabeth. I've also never discussed this with another person. Not even Joseph. It just felt like a betrayal of Elizabeth somehow. I knew I needed to talk with someone, I just couldn't bring myself to do it."
"Nathan, whatever we say here, to each other, will never leave this room. Not even to Lee, and most certainly not to Elizabeth. I give you, my word. I know I like to gossip as well as the next lady, but not about something like this. This is private and far too serious. The repercussions would be much too harmful."
"Thank you for that, Rosemary. That means everything."
"I don't want to shock you, but Nathan, this IS going to be very shocking for you, I'm afraid, and you need to prepare yourself…"
"Rosemary, you're frightening me. What in the world are you talking about?"
"I experienced something last night I've never seen in my life. In fact, I've never seen anything like it, period, even in the Theater during my acting days. And I saw a lot of very dramatic scenes there. Shall we start in earnest?"
He nodded, as he sat back in his chair, almost as though he needed the distance between what he was about to hear.
"Last evening, Elizabeth was standing in the middle of the road outside our houses. She looked terrible, unkempt, not herself at all. She was mouthing something and standing there wringing her hands. Lucas drove up and announced their plans for dinner. But she didn't even acknowledge that he was there, or realize he had spoken horribly to her, telling her to forget their dinner plans, that there was no way she could even begin to make herself presentable by then, turning to speed off."
She could see the fire in Nathan's eyes.
"I felt the same way, but couldn't linger on it, Nathan. Because Elizabeth was self-destructing before my very eyes. And I didn't know what to do."
"What do you mean 'self-destructing'?"
He sat up straight and edged toward his desk.
"Nathan, I've spent the early afternoon with Carson. At my request, he spent the entire morning with Elizabeth. And he confirms she has had a nervous breakdown."
Nathan immediately stood, and had Rosemary not stopped him, he would have flown out the door straight to Elizabeth's side. He was already unlocking it when Rosemary put her hand over his.
"No, Nathan, not now. Carson feels that she's stable and that the worst is over. Right now, she's resting and Laura has Jack at my House. Minnie's with her. We didn't want the word to get out. I need to tell you everything before you decide what to do or not to do."
She led him to her chair and pulled another one up for her, with them both sitting in front of each other, face to face.
Nathan leaned his elbow on his desk, covering his forehead with his hand, but his face still showed jumbling emotions all driven by extreme concern and worry.
"I fixed her some tea, which she really couldn't drink. She was visibly shaking. I knew it was serious. I told her I loved her, but she was going to talk to me right then and there and tell me everything, or we would never speak again, except as mere acquaintances on the street. And I meant it. I know that sounds harsh, but I had decided I just could not let her ruin Lee's and my life, too. I just couldn't. And last night it was clear she was ruining her own even more than I had imagined, and I just couldn't stand by and watch that!"
"We were at the kitchen table when she started screaming and screaming. It was guttural and it was blood-curdling. I thought it was never going to stop, and I hope I never hear anything like it ever again. It was pure pain, Nathan. Almost other-worldly."
Now, Nathan was shaking and Rosemary realized the chair was too small for him.
"Here, you go and sit behind your desk, I'll move my chair there. You can't fit in this one."
He was in such shock, Rosemary literally had to help him to his desk chair, and he didn't even think to move the smaller chair for Rosemary.
When they were settled again, Rosemary resumed.
"I could hear Little Jack crying next door. He knew it was his mother screaming. And it went on for a very long time. Then, after the screaming finally stopped, she started sobbing. Helpless sobs, hopeless sobs, and I think even terrified sobs. They were incessant. I have to say, Nathan, I've never seen Elizabeth anywhere close to being like that. Not even when she was in her darkest stages of grief over the loss of Jack. Last evening, she was hysterical without any control whatsoever. I didn't even recognize her."
Rosemary could tell Nathan was in physical pain just hearing the words.
"I put wet cloths on her face and slipped away to phone Lee, letting him know not to come home. Telling him to pray, and to tell Bill and Joseph to do the same. Elizabeth sobbed for an hour till her face was swollen, botched, and marked. She didn't even look like herself. And I don't believe she had any concept as to what was happening, what day it was, or even what time of the day it was. I truly don't. It was like she wasn't even there."
"I moved her to the settee and covered her with my afghan as she laid there. Then realized she was dehydrated from all the sobbing. Sitting her up, I got her to sip about half a glass of water. She was shaking pretty badly. I pulled up a chair close to her and we stayed that way, silent for a very long time."
"Elizabeth finally spoke in a small, weak voice. The first thing she said was about you, although it was difficult for her to get the words out. And I'm sorry, Nathan, but I think you need to hear the words, even though I know it's going to be painful."
"She said 'I ran away from Nathan. I Ioved him. I loved him so much. I knew I couldn't lose him. So, I ran to Lucas. She said she knew she could make herself love Lucas and that he would grow to love her. That the three of them would be happy together."
"The words were as broken as she was. She rambled and finally just stopped talking with a blank stare."
"I waited, then looked straight into her eyes and asked her very pointedly if she was happy. She shook her head no. But I kept asking her because I felt she actually needed to say it out loud. She finally cried out a loud no. I asked her if Lucas was happy, going through the same process, and she finally said no. I asked her if Little Jack was happy. And she screamed no. She said 'he runs from Lucas,' that 'he hates Lucas,' even with all the expensive toys Lucas had given him, that 'he just runs away.'
"Nathan, she didn't even understand why, and I had to explain to her that Little Jack wasn't happy because he knew they weren't happy."
"I asked her if she and Lucas were going to marry. And she said yes, but she didn't want to. I asked her if Lucas WANTED to marry her and she said she didn't think so, but that he had given his word. I asked her if she loved him and she said no. I asked her if he loved her and she said no, that he didn't even know her."
"It was difficult for her to string her words together, but she said she was finding out things about him that she didn't like. Too many things to talk about. But she did mention this one thing, which I did not know, that Lucas hired Christopher to spy on Henry, his own Father! She said he was ruthless in business, just like her own Father."
"I told her it was utterly ridiculous for them to consider marriage when neither loved the other and neither was happy. She said she didn't know what to do. And I told her I did."
"What did you do?" he asked.
"I placed an urgent call to Lucas and ordered him to come to my house immediately. I told him that Elizabeth was in a bad way. And so, we waited silently for him."
"As soon as he got there, I made him sit by Elizabeth on the settee, and I point blank asked him if he was happy courting Elizabeth?"
"He hesitated. Then I asked him if he loved Elizabeth, and he couldn't answer that either. So, I asked him if he was going to marry Elizabeth. All he would say was "I was."
"When I asked the same questions of Elizabeth in front of him, of course, all the answers were no."
"So, I just point-blank asked them both why, in the world, were they courting? Lucas finally answered saying it was habit and pride but admitted it was mostly pride. I was rather harsh and told them to put their pride away before they destroyed each other and Little Jack in the process, not to mention you and Allie (although I didn't actually say your names). I asked which one had the courage to break their courtship off, or did I have to do that, too?"
"Finally, Lucas spoke and begged Elizabeth to release him. He said they were too different, and that just like the first time they broke up, the same thing was still true. Meaning you were the one she loved then and now. He told her he knew he would never have her heart, clearly implying both knew you did. And Nathan, there's something else you should know that happened a couple of weeks ago. Lee and I weren't trying to eavesdrop, but Lucas and Elizabeth were having one of their many heated arguments, and Lucas was yelling, complaining that she wouldn't even kiss him. We couldn't help but overhear."
"That's ridiculous. Allie saw them kissing on the Bridge that day, and I've heard other people speak of it as well."
"That's just it. Apparently, according to Lucas, himself, that day was the only day they kissed. He actually said that. Almost like the day they became a Couple was put on for a show. Lee and I found it very odd."
"Anyway, I digress. Let's get back to last night. Elizabeth released him and apologized for hurting him. She asked for his forgiveness."
"Lucas did the same. He even admitted a lot of this was his own fault, that he had pursued her knowing her heart belonged to you."
"Lucas also admitted what he had done wasn't fair to you, Allie, Little Jack, or even himself. He then stood up saying he was coming straight to talk to you."
"I made him sit back down and I let them both have it. I told them they had put a good man through more than any human should ever have to go through. That they knew it and the whole town knew it. I told them you needed space, and that neither one of them was speaking with you, that they were going to give you space, instead."
"Quite frankly, I demanded it and even made Lucas give me a gentleman's agreement."
"Lucas allowed you to talk to him like that?" asked Nathan.
"He knew I was right, and quite frankly I didn't give him a choice. I even listed their transgressions against you one by one. And in order to heal, you need to hear what they heard."
Rosemary ticked them off on her hand.
"The unnecessary comments. The flirting to your face. The incessant flamboyant dates. The two of them telling you how to behave and how to parent Allie."
"I asked them how dare they? And I meant it. I told them all of that was cruel and not at all necessary."
She laughed nervously through her frustration.
"I even told them to talk to Joseph or a Higher Power, because they both needed forgiveness. And I meant that, too! I'm not a bit sorry I said it, because it's true!"
"Remind me to never get you on my bad side. You're definitely the one I want in my corner. Thank you for that, Rosemary. My, I can't believe it, but even hearing that out loud helps in some strange way. I can't believe how much," said Nathan.
"Nathan, of course, it helps, because those very spiteful, painful words no longer have any power over you. They no longer belong to you. They've been erased for you and correctly been given back to their rightful owners, Lucas and Elizabeth. The two of them now own the consequences of those very words, their own words they misspoke so inappropriately."
"I must say though, and not in her defense, but in my surprise, I honestly don't even think she realized what she had done to you. She even said that. She kept saying she loved you. So, I flat out told her I knew that, but she didn't deserve you. I told her she wasn't in the condition to offer anyone anything, and most certainly not you. That you deserved the world, and a woman to truly love you for yourself, and this I think is pretty much a quote…'and not as a pawn in some child's game, starring you and Lucas.' Yes, I said it just like that!"
"Rosemary, I don't even know how to respond to that," so Nathan sat there just remaining stoic.
But she did notice the beginning of the slightest of smiles over her impertinence, with his upper lip moving just barely up on the right-hand side, the tiniest bit of humor thankfully cutting through his devastation of learning about Elizabeth's emotional and mental states, if only for a second or two.
"I also told her she had to focus on Little Jack and teaching, only those two things, or that our friendship would be gone forever, and I mean that Nathan, with all of my being. She has to stop this downward spiral and pull herself out of it, or she won't survive. And Little Jack won't have a mother."
"I told her she had made everything about her. That she had shattered you, and even allowed Lucas to shatter you. She said she needed to talk to you, and I told her she had to stay away till she completed her two tasks and was herself again, as well as being completely healed."
"Next, we got personal talking about love in general and specifically as it relates to you. And let's just suffice it to say, I even told her that I no longer cared about her needs, that I now cared only about your needs. That I was in your corner, now, not hers. And I tell you that because you need to know where I'm coming from. As long as she remains focused on Little Jack and teaching, I'll give her my full support. But she has to change dramatically in order for me to support her getting back with you if that's even an option for you. She not only has a lot of apologizing to do, but she also has amends to make. Significant amends as far as you're concerned. She needs to wait till she can re-approach you in a loving, kind, tender, humane way without any grief whatsoever to fall back on as an excuse. And I mean that, Nathan."
"I think you've had quite enough of being compared to Jack Thornton. And knowing Jack, he'd say the same thing. He would be as sorry as I am that all that ever happened at all, much less like this."
"You see Nathan, Elizabeth thought everything centered around her grief over Jack, and because you loved her so intensely, you let her get away with it. You made no demands. Don't do that, again, Nathan. You deserve better. I don't even know if that will be Elizabeth. I know she's hurt you deeply, and I know she's deeply wounded over the pain she's caused. Her refusal to accept your love over her fear of losing you drove her to Lucas and a lifestyle that was not her in any way, causing her to live a lie, causing her breakdown. That's not your fault at all, she is to blame for the falsehoods she created. And she's paying for them very painfully right now."
"But, Nathan, I don't want her back with you, if ever, till she is fully healed and can give you every single thing you deserve. This is no longer about what you can give her. You've clearly laid that out to her, and all of us can see it. It's her turn now. It's about you, now. Also, it's important for you to remain in that frame of mind, at least for the present, until she can prove herself to you. And quite frankly, everyone else."
"Rosemary, does she realize what she's done to the children?" asked Nathan timidly, almost embarrassed to say the words.
"She didn't, not at all, but she does now. Believe me, it was a horrible awakening. The moment she became aware that she had hurt them, well, it was horrifying to her. All she could do was cry out, 'Dear God, I've hurt our Children.' I honestly don't think she ever knew, until that exact moment. She covered her face in utter shame as if someone else had inhabited her body because she just couldn't possibly have done that."
"And Nathan, she did the same thing when she realized how horribly she had hurt you. She cried out "What have I done, Dear God?" more than once, and I remember her wringing her hands, trying to fathom it all, in utter devastation."
"You also need to know from her first date with Lucas, Jack has been coming to her in her dreams each and every night and even if she tried to nap during the day. So, on top of everything else, she's been sleep deprived this entire time."
"Why would Jack do that?" asked Nathan, knowing that visits from the Dead were in fact possible, as he had been visited many times by Colleen.
"Because, like you, Jack knew her path was not meant to be with Lucas, and he was desperately trying to warn her. Just like you did by professing your love and re-declaring it. She didn't even figure that out till after her break. As close as she and Jack were, and as close as you two were, that astounds me. It was like she was under a spell, and saw or heard nothing else but Lucas. And it irritates me beyond no end that Lucas took advantage of that. But, now looking back, I think it must have had something to do with her determination to run away from you, all because she couldn't lose you. And she was trying to create this perfect little world that didn't exist."
"I actually blame myself, because that day you first told her you loved her, I didn't know the details, just that she couldn't be with you, but I knew something was very wrong with her. I should have pressed her then, and I regret that I didn't. It truly pains me to think that might have made a difference, maybe even preventing all this mess. I wasn't there for her when I should have been, or by default, for you, and I truly regret that."
"Nathan, there's one last thing, and I know this is going to be excruciating for you to read, but I feel very strongly that you must read it, and yes it's written by Elizabeth, not directly to you, but a lot of it is about you. I may be betraying a confidence with this one, but I know my friend and I know deep down she would want you to see it. Either way, I know it's the right thing to show it to you on her behalf. I know in her eyes, you are her other half, whether you choose to keep being that or not, and I know having gone through what the two of you have gone through together, it's the right thing to do."
Nathan got up, pacing back and forth behind his desk, like a caged animal.
"I can't read it, Rosemary, I can't betray her."
"Nathan, the two of you are at a critical juncture. You have to heal. Elizabeth has to heal. If the two of you are meant to walk through life together, this is a part of that walk. If you're not meant to walk through life together, then this is a critical piece to your healing. Elizabeth has caused your searing pain, Nathan. She no longer has a right to prevent your healing."
"And truthfully, you can't help her, or the children recover unless you completely understand and have all the facts."
He sat down, and Rosemary stretched her hand out holding the folded page Elizabeth had written.
"Nathan, I want you to read this, and I want you to have privacy as you do. Why don't I run to the Café to get us some fresh Coffee? I'll be sure to give you plenty of time alone."
"Thank you, Rosemary."
They both got up and Nathan unlocked the Door for her, then locked it back, running his long fingers through his tousled hair, wondering why all this was happening.
He was thankful it was happening, but he was also apprehensive about what was coming.
He didn't know it, but his face looked haggard, as though he had somehow aged during the short time he and Rosemary had been talking.
Before sitting in his chair, he lowered himself to the floor, and instead humbly knelt by it.
"Dear Father, Please, be with Elizabeth. She needs you more now than she's ever needed you. Heal her, strengthen her, make her body, mind, and spirit whole, and keep her in Your protection. Please let me know what to do. I just can't betray her in any way."
Nathan didn't know why and he couldn't begin to explain it, but for some reason, he got up and walked to his Bible sitting on the top of his bookcase, and opened it.
The pages fell to John 8:32 "And ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free." (*1)
Tears started falling down Nathan's worn face.
Truth had been sorely lacking in Nathan's life, and he had known it.
And no matter how hard he had tried, there had been no freedom from this anguish and pain.
He gently closed his Bible and set it back on the old bookcase where he kept it.
Slowly, he walked to his desk and sat down in his chair, taking a deep breath before he reached for the page.
With shaking hands, he began to read…
"I, Elizabeth Thatcher Thornton, being almost of sound mind and thanks to the wisdom of my best friend, do solemnly swear the following:
#1: I will be the very best mother to Jack Thornton, Jr. I know how to be. I will lavish him with love and provide him with security. I will do everything in my power to make my child truly happy again, spending time alone with him at home, making him my first priority.
#2: I will pour myself into my teaching and be a better teacher than I have ever been, eliminating parental concerns and my pupils' unhappiness at school. I will earn their trust back wholeheartedly, and not stop till I do, making this my second priority.
#3: I have always loved Nathan Grant, I believe from the day I met him, and I will always love Nathan Grant till my dying day. I now know with clarity, You sent him to me, my gift from God. I was just too afraid to accept Your most glorious gift. I realize now, if you were to take him away from me in death, You would somehow get me through.
But because I have scarred him deeply, allowing him to love me perfectly, without showing him my love back at all in any way, and in fact, showing him total disdain, disregard and disrespect instead, I will pray every chance that I get for forgiveness, and that I will heal, and he will heal from my actions.
I also pray that someday, he will find it in his heart to forgive me. That when I am whole again, we find our way back to each other, but only where God wants us to be, whatever and wherever that is.
I fervently pray for these things and will continue to pray for them incessantly, knowing I deserve none of them, and most certainly nothing from him.
My heart is shattered like never before, into a million pieces, all pieces that were once loved by him.
Please help me put the pieces back for myself, for Little Jack, for Sweet Allie, and most importantly for Nathan.
He is the one I've damaged the most.
As God is my witness, I give my word, and this is by far the hardest thing I've ever done in my life, but because I love him, I will not hurt him anymore, and I will stay away from personal conversations, other than those of chance meetings which will be kept cordial and general, not at all about me, until I am completely healed and can offer him the kind of love he deserves and needs, even if only as a friend.
So, help me, God.
Signed: Elizabeth Thatcher Thornton
On this Day the: Fourth of October, 1918
He was crying, something, until tonight, he had never done as an Adult, and even rarely as a Child.
He could, however, still see enough through his wet lashes to trace the letters of her signature with his long index finger.
And then the dam broke.
All the anguish, the devastation, the hurt, the pain, the sorrow, and the worry of their past relationship, everything, came rolling out from very deep within his soul.
And he broke down and then did something he had never before in his life done.
He sobbed.
And he sobbed with his head resting face down on his arms over his desk, just as Elizabeth, although unknown to him, had done at Rosemary's Kitchen table.
His body shook till he could sob no more.
And finally, he was cleansed of the torture of their past together, and there was only peace left in its place.
He raised his head wiping his tears and walked to the sink in the back to splash cold water on his face.
With nothing but peace inside him.
There was a knock on the door.
It was Rosemary, and he slowly walked to let her in, straightening himself as he went, opening the door for her, and locking it behind her.
"Nathan, you're different," she said amazed, setting the coffee down on his desk.
"You've given me peace, Rosemary. God's given me peace."
They embraced each other, not saying a word. She stood back, touching his cheek.
"I'm so very grateful to God," said Rosemary with joy. "I prayed for your peace before I came. I even asked Joseph to pray for your peace as well. In fact, I think he's been praying the whole time we've been talking."
Nathan smiled only slightly, but it was his first real smile in a long time.
They sat once more, not once touching their coffee.
Nathan was back in Mountie mode, with a problem to fix.
"I can't tell you what will happen between Elizabeth and me. I can only tell you I have to go to her now, and at least sit with her to offer comfort and support. She can't heal alone. Not this broken. I don't want Allie or Little Jack to know. It isn't fair to give them false hope. I know this is a lot to ask, but can you possibly take the Children for the night and since you'll need Lee's help, I'll get Bill to come sit with me at Elizabeth's. We'll stay the night if she needs it."
"Oh, Nathan, Lee, and I would be more than happy to do that, and I'm sure Bill will be, too."
"Thank you, from the depths of my heart, for all of this," and Nathan meant every single word.
"You are an honorable man, Nathan Grant, as honorable as they come. And you, of all people, didn't deserve any of this."
"No, but this is about Elizabeth. She needs us, Rosemary. We can't desert her. I can't desert her."
He paused, not used to laying his soul bare.
"I believe part of Elizabeth's healing has to be just as she stated, daily vigilant prayer, searching her very soul before she can truly know her heart for certain. She's been through too much to make a future decision now. As much as I love her, I don't want her this way. I want her whole before any decision by either of us is made, no matter what that decision ends up being. So, can that be our only focus? To simply help her heal?"
"Of course, Nathan."
Then he continued.
"You were wise in the instruction you gave her, Rosemary. And I'm deeply grateful for that. She must focus on Little Jack and her teaching. Nothing else, and most certainly not me, or even a relationship of any kind, not even a friendship. I honestly can't predict the future. I have no idea what it holds. I can only see that we must get her through this, and then we'll see what happens after that. We'll see where she is and we'll see where I am, and whether there will be a future together or not. But not till then. In the meantime, I will wholly support her, but I won't allow myself to love her. And I won't allow her to go back on her own terms described on that page. Her terms are now my terms as well. Somehow, God help me, I will close my emotion off, and concentrate only on her healing, getting her strength back, becoming her true self again, whatever that is, and wherever it leads to."
"But, Nathan, how can you give again, after all, you've been through?" asked Rosemary, incredulously.
"It's for Elizabeth, Rosemary."
He pursed his lips, setting his jaw. His voice had been firm and there was a determination in his glistening eyes that left no doubt, that just as he had with all other missions, he would accomplish this one as well. And he would complete it successfully, too.
His decision had been made.
He would carry it through.
Exactly on his terms.
Without being concerned about the future and where it would lead…
(*1) King James Bible, John 8:32, Public Domain