Chapter Three: Healing Begins
"She's asleep upstairs in her bedroom. She's fine now, but you really shouldn't leave her alone.
Carson says someone should be with her at all times. She comes and goes, sometimes making sense, sometimes not. Don't let it alarm you, as Carson says it's perfectly normal. He says it will gradually get better with time."
"Minnie, we can't thank you enough for taking care of her!" thanked Nathan.
"It's my pleasure, Nathan. Are you two sure you can handle this? I can stay longer if you need."
"Thank you, Minnie, but we're both trained in basic healthcare. We'll be fine!"
"Why don't you let me walk you home, Minnie? You shouldn't be out this late by yourself," suggested Bill. "Nathan, will you be alright?"
"Sure, Bill. Minnie has to have an escort this late at night!"
"Oh, Nathan, there's hot Coffee on the Stove. You two are going to need lots of it, so one of you might need to put on another pot when Bill gets back."
"Good idea, Minnie. Nathan, I'll take care of it and I'll bring us up a fresh Cup or two."
"Now, you get yourself on up to our Patient. Remember…"
"Carson says not to leave her alone. Done, and thanks again, Minnie. We've got this."
Nathan bent down to kiss Minnie on the cheek and turned to head up the stairs as Bill and Minnie went through the front door.
At the top of the steps, only one door had been left open and there was Elizabeth, lying in her bed.
The sight of her took Nathan aback and sent a quiver through his heart, exploding into pain...
"Oh, Elizabeth," he barely whispered, trying to stifle a gasp.
She looked so fragile and spent lying there.
She also looked restless, tired, and worn, as though she was deep in the quagmire of being emotionally, mentally, and physically exhausted all at the same time.
And Nathan knew she was.
With pain, he saw her brokenness laid bare, and he ached for her.
All he wanted to do was wrap her in his arms, but he couldn't and wouldn't.
He made himself snap out of it, knowing he was there to help, so he sat down in the chair Minnie had pulled to her Bedside.
But it was such a shock to see her like this.
It was just as Rosemary had said, but much, much worse than he had imagined.
Where was his beautiful Elizabeth? This surely couldn't be her. Her face was drawn, her fists clenched, and she was drawn up into a fetal position.
It made his entire body tense, riddled with a myriad of emotions, to see her like this.
"Healing is our only priority, Elizabeth," he whispered, as she appeared to be asleep. "We have to make you whole again."
Thankfully, she was quiet, but not for long.
As soon as Nathan had expressed his gratitude silently for her sleeping, she began to thrash her head back and forth, saying no, no, no, over and over again, till she began to shout the word over and over.
"NO! NO! NO! Don't do this! DON'T! NO! No!"
He knew not to startle her, so he gently took her hand and whispered her name.
"Elizabeth. Elizabeth. Elizabeth," increasing the volume of his voice with each call.
She calmed enough to stop thrashing her head, but she didn't open her eyes. She was however gripping his hand very tightly, until all at once, she sat up in bed, with a look of horror on her face, as though she was going to escape, and get out of it entirely.
"Elizabeth, do you need something?" he asked her calmly.
She shook her head no, but she hadn't once looked at him.
Not until he tenderly placed his hands on her shoulders.
"Elizabeth, can you lay back down. You really need to rest right now," and that's when she made eye contact.
"You came…" she whispered. "You came to me."
"Yes, I came. Elizabeth, do you know who I am?"
She nodded her head, yes, but her eyes stared back at him blankly.
"Do you know my name?"
"Nathan."
"That's right. I'm here to help you get better. Bill's coming to stay with us too. He just took Minnie home and will be right back."
"Nathan?"
"What is it, Elizabeth?"
"So sorry," and she started to cry, a low whimpering cry, like a cornered kitten trying to get to its' mother, that tore at his heart.
He helped her back into bed.
"I know. It's okay. Right now, you need your rest. Let's help you do that."
He fluffed her pillows and helped her lie back against them, then covered her with the quilt she had thrown off.
"Does that feel better?"
"Nathan?"
"What Elizabeth?"
"I…love you," she said through sleepy eyes.
The words he had waited for three years to hear and he wasn't even allowed to feel their impact, because they didn't count. She didn't even know what she was saying. And he knew it.
He cleared his throat, then smiled as much as he could.
"We all love you, too, Elizabeth. We have to get you well."
"Allie?"
"Allie's well Elizabeth, and so is Little Jack. They're next door with Lee and Rosemary, so you can get your rest."
She was clearly agitated, and as his hand brushed against her forehead, her skin was very warm to his touch. He tried to smooth her unkempt hair, but it was tangled and he couldn't bear to see her that way. He looked around the room and spotted her Brush sitting on her Dresser.
"Elizabeth, let's get the tangles out of your hair, okay?"
"Tangles?"
Then as she thought, she lifted her hand to her matted hair, then nodded her head, and he grabbed her brush, carefully smoothing out the tangles, which made a world of difference in how she looked, and he was hoping how she felt.
"There you go! Does that feel better?"
"Better."
He noticed she didn't say thank you and wasn't surprised, because that wasn't expected having been through what she had just been through, and was still going through.
He couldn't even allow himself to think the diagnostic name in his mind, much less say it out loud.
For it was very clear Carson was right. Elizabeth had most certainly had a breakdown. And she was still in its throes.
"Nathan."
"Yes, Elizabeth."
"Sing to me?"
"I'll sing you a lullaby if you'll go to sleep."
And Nathan began softly singing Toora Loora Loora:
Too ra loo ra loo ral
too ra loo ra lie
too ra loo ra loo ral
hush now don't you cry
Too ra loo ra loo ral
too ra loo ra lie
too ra loo ra loo ral
that's an Irish lullaby
Over in Killarney, many years ago
my mother sang a song to me in tones so sweet and low
just a simple little diddy in her good old Irish way
And I'd give the world if she could sing that song to me today CHORUS
Oft' in dreams I wander to that cot again
I hear her softly hummin' to me as when she did back then
I fell her softly huggin' me as in days of yore
when she used to rock me fast asleep outside that cabin door CHORUS (*2)
"Sing it again."
He noticed her eyes were growing hooded, so he softly sang it again as he held her hand to calm her.
As he sang, he felt her grip on his hand lessen a bit, and although it was still very tight, not allowing him to move his fingers in the slightest, he didn't care.
If it helped her, that's all that mattered.
At least the melody seemed to be relaxing her, and for that, he was very grateful.
Bill heard Nathan singing as he came through the front door and was astounded. He had no idea Nathan had a voice like that. It was magical, euphonious, and resonant with a wide range of varying notes and timbres.
The Judge stood at the bottom of the stairs, listening, letting the words transport him to a different time, where there was beauty, clarity, and even simplicity. Somehow his heart was soothed by Nathan's rich smooth tones, and then it hit him. The way Nathan was singing brought calm and hopefulness at a time when there had been anything but. That was it, his voice was one of depth and harmony, bringing hope with exquisite melody. And it wasn't at all just the notes and words of the song. Nathan's voice was truly a clear, melodious one that could be singing professionally if he were so inclined, full of emotion.
Or was the emotion there because he was singing to Elizabeth?
Bill wondered as he went into Elizabeth's Kitchen to prepare a pot of fresh coffee.
He had never really talked about it with Nathan, but Bill knew. He had known from the beginning when he first saw them together. There was just something unexplainable there.
Bill had made a few comments here and there to the Constable, but he never once bit, so it had become an untouchable subject between them.
Something was there though, and it was coming from both Nathan and Elizabeth. It was some undefinable attraction between them, that in Bill's mind was certainly love without a doubt, yet it went way beyond that. There was an overpowering connection, which everyone saw. Had he been a betting man, he would have bet the house on these two spending their lives together, without a doubt. And being deliriously happy in the process.
Everyone knew they belonged together.
Then along came Lucas.
And not one person in the entire town had understood it.
Nor had they liked it.
Bill, himself had never even understood their friendship, much less this, and he definitely did not like it. He had on more than one occasion attempted to discuss it with Elizabeth, even willing to confront her if he had to.
But whenever he had tried, which he had actually done on several different occasions, he had gotten royally told off, each and every single time.
Bill knew Jack would have never allowed this, which in his mind, made the Coupling harder than ever to even stomach, much less understand.
The only thing Jack and Lucas had in common was their over-the-top romantic style, and that's where their similarities ended with a thud.
This Elizabeth of the last six months, he didn't even recognize. Why he didn't even like her. And this was a woman he loved like his own Daughter.
She was no longer considerate or kind, but instead selfish and obstinate, one could even say arrogant, frivolous, as though nothing but self, mattered. Like she was going to have fun without any responsibility and that was that, and she was going to do it in style, no matter who she hurt! Making it clear to everyone, including her Best Friends, "stay out of my way!"
What had happened? Bill knew something huge had happened to cause this change, and he had a pretty good idea, it involved Nathan. He was sure of it. He just couldn't figure out what it had been.
But he could tell you the day it happened. Saturday, May 3rd, 1918, the day Nathan returned from inspecting Bill's parcel of land. Because it was the very next day, he saw Elizabeth batting her eyes at Bouchard.
Whatever had happened between them, had driven her straight to Lucas, simply because he was there, or so Bill thought.
The fact that he had been showering her with attention and expensive gifts hadn't hurt either.
Bill also believed that whatever had happened between Nathan and Elizabeth, Lucas had taken full advantage of it.
In fact, he was sure of it.
Why all of Hope Valley could see Nathan and Elizabeth loved each other, yet she ends up with Bouchard. It just made no sense. But Bill hadn't given up and wasn't going to if he had to sit both Nathan and Elizabeth down together to get it out of them. Or if he had to call William Thatcher himself to come to Hope Valley and see his Daughter's new life first hand!
What could Nathan have possibly done to drive her to Lucas? Why hadn't he just told her he loved her and gotten this whole thing over with? Surely if he had, this whole mess wouldn't have happened!
But now this, whatever "this" was, Elizabeth was very ill, and he wasn't buying what he was being told.
This most certainly didn't look like a virus to him!
Why Carson couldn't even look him in the eye when he had told him his diagnosis!
"Yep, Virus, my patootie!"
But Bill could play along with the best of them. And he would for Elizabeth's sake.
He left the Coffee on the stove till steam was rolling from the saucepan, then he found the Coffee Pot and a couple of Mugs, put it all on the Tray that was sitting on the table, and carried it upstairs.
"Yeah! We're real Men, no cream or sugar for us!"
Nathan had had to sing the Lullaby three times before Elizabeth fell asleep. But even in sleep, she was clinging to his hand like it was her lifeline.
"Fresh Coffee?"
"Shush Bill! She just went to sleep."
Bill nodded, then looked at Elizabeth, and even in sleep with her hair nicely brushed, he was alarmed.
There were a thousand things going through his mind, and he was ready to discuss them, whether Nathan was ready to or not.
But now wasn't the time.
They said not another word between them.
Instead, Bill continued his thoughts from downstairs, but this time while he was sitting across from Nathan in Elizabeth's Bedroom.
Bill took a sip of his hot coffee, not even blowing on it to cool it, wondering how he and Nathan could discuss this without waking Elizabeth. But mostly wondering what in the world was wrong with her! Whatever it was, it was bad, and he didn't like it one bit.
And just why wasn't Bouchard here holding her hand instead of Nathan, not that he wanted that at all!
Although he really had tried to give Bouchard the benefit of the doubt since he had arrived in Hope Valley, he knew that whatever this was, it was in large part due to him. And he knew he was right! He was as sure as a pig rollin' in mud, and that was pretty sure!
How his sweet Elizabeth had gotten involved with that Man, was beyond his comprehension. And the Judge knew himself to be a very comprehending Man, former Mountie, Inspector, and Judge.
He had tried to like Bouchard, but the best he could do was to tolerate him, then Elizabeth started dating him, then courting him, and that was the end of tolerating!
Now it was personal.
There was something about him that literally made Bill's skin crawl.
Was the man a criminal?
Technically, by the letter of the Law, no. At least not as far as Bill could tell...so far. But there was an edginess about him and Bill knew he took shortcuts, dangerous shortcuts, always dancing on the very edge of the one thing the Judge held most dear. He had done it with the Oil Rig, and in Bill's eyes had almost destroyed the Town.
Bill didn't like anybody dancing on the edge of the Law, no matter what your name was, or how much money you had! He didn't like it one bit. In fact, it would be more accurate to say he detested it!
And so, he watched closely…
Someday soon, Mr. Bouchard was going to make a mistake and Bill was going to be right there to gladly pick up the pieces for him, with his own Law-driven Resolution.
But this - what was going on here?
Why was Elizabeth who was courting Lucas, holding Nathan's hand as though she would never let it go? Even in her sleep? And why was Nathan, who was normally unreadable, even more so?
Now these two, Nathan and Elizabeth, were smart people, at least apart (although he was no longer sure about Elizabeth's intellectual capacity since she was with Bouchard).
His eyes widened and he just shook his head.
Good grief, why are both of these two dumber than a box of rocks when they are together?
Why in the world are they staying apart?
The entire blasted town could see Nathan and Elizabeth loved each other! Why couldn't they?
Talk about something making zero sense!
All this mess made negative sense times a million!
Oh well, right now Bill had more pressing matters to consider. How could he get Elizabeth away from Bouchard? Because he had made up his mind that was exactly what he was going to do, and he was determined to see it through.
Now, he just had to figure out how!
Elizabeth's night had been a restless one of torment.
It hurt Nathan to the core to see it, more than he ever thought possible. Even the touch of her skin against his had been difficult to take. He simply had to blot it all out by focusing on her face and remembering just how very sick she was.
He had to see her whole again and if it meant pain, for him, so be it.
Bill and he had planned to take turns throughout the night, but Elizabeth wouldn't let go of Nathan's hand, and every time he tried to gently remove it, she became agitated all over again.
So, Nathan had sat in the chair closest to Elizabeth, and Bill had taken the other, while they took turns grabbing a bit of sleep.
Nathan looked at the clock. Dawn would be here in minutes. He had to leave before Elizabeth woke up. Minnie would be there soon, as she and Rosemary were going to take turns throughout the day, and Nathan and Bill had committed to taking on Night Shifts, as long as Lee and Rosemary were able to take care of Allie and Little Jack.
Carson had let everyone know, he was limiting the number of people who could have contact, so at least that was one problem solved. As he explained, that was absolutely the only way he could maintain his Patient's privacy. And everyone knew he was right.
Nathan motioned to Bill and mouthed "Rounds," then did his best to replace his own hand with Bill's.
It was almost as though, even in her sleep, she knew.
Nathan nodded to Bill, and silently said one last prayer for Elizabeth, then turned to go home, bathe, and change, and get Newton for his Morning Rounds.
But before he left, Bill mouthed "Your Office, after Rounds!"
Nathan nodded but felt a bit of doom brewing.
Subtlety was not at all the Judge's strong suit…
After very lengthy Morning Rounds, with everyone he met seeming to have one sort of problem or another, Nathan was exhausted and drained in every way.
Yet still, he finally had peace over his and Elizabeth's past and he clung to that.
He had a new focus and that was to get Elizabeth well again.
As he was tying up Newton outside of his Office, Bill came up behind him.
"Nathan, can we meet at my office?"
"No can do, Bill. I'm expecting a couple of important telegrams that I have to respond to as soon as they arrive."
"Well, we'll just have to discuss everything here. I'm gonna go grab breakfast for us from the Café. Be back in a few."
"Bill, what is it exactly we're going to discuss?"
"Oh, you know, this and that!" and Bill took off running to the Café.
But with his back turned, he laughed, "Mostly this!"
Because Bill knew exactly what they, or at least he was going to talk about.
And Nathan wasn't going to like it…
"Bill, this is a breakfast feast. You're up to something. What is it?"
"Can't a colleague and special friend do something nice once in a while?"
"Yeah, when he wants something. Bill, you're about as subtle as an oncoming Train without brakes and more steam than it knows what to do with! Out with it!"
"Let's eat this first before it gets cold."
"We'll have to make it quick. I've got a really busy day ahead of me and I'm already exhausted. Rounds took twice as long as usual. From a cow stuck in a ditch, to a cat on the roof, to a horse they couldn't get to stand. Oh, don't get me started. There was more. Those are just the first three! And that's to say nothing of a vandalized shed at the Trudeaus and a broken window at the Baker's House!"
"Yeah, believe me, I noticed the time. I've been waiting forever!"
"Couldn't be helped, Bill. Some of us have to actually work!"
Nathan buttered his Toast and cut the yolk of his egg, runny just like he liked them!
"Silent prayer or out loud?" he asked.
"Let's make it silent," suggested Bill.
And as soon as Nathan had closed his eyes, Bill opened his to gauge where his Friend was at and how to best continue.
"Country Ham, too? Bill, this is getting freaky. What are you up to?"
"I can't believe…"
"Out with it, Bill."
"Well, for one thing, I was wondering why it was us with Elizabeth last night and not Bouchard. I mean, I'm thankful he wasn't there, but you'd think he'd at least be around or concerned or something. Would that kill him?"
Nathan sighed, wondering how much to say.
"Bill, you might as well know, as it's soon going to be common knowledge, anyway. But you didn't hear it from me."
"Know what? Hear what?"
"Elizabeth and Lucas have broken up."
"Well, Praise the Good Lord up above! What happened?"
"Bill, I wasn't there. Afraid you'll have to ask Elizabeth or Lucas about that."
"Oh, you can bet I will. Okay, this may make my second question irrelevant, but somehow, I don't think it will."
"Yes?"
"What happened on Saturday, May 3rd, between you and Elizabeth? And don't you dare say nothin'. I know somethin' did."
"What makes you think anything happened?"
"Because the very next day, she was battin' her eyes at Lucas like a love-starved puppy!"
"Well, you don't have to worry about that now. Are we finished?"
"Oh, no you don't. We're just beginning, and if I have to lock you in that jail to get answers, I will. And don't you think I won't do it, too. You know I will!"
Nathan let out a long breath, still not saying a word.
"It was the day you came back from looking at my parcel of land, which by the way, I'm not selling, till you want it again."
"Bill, it's gorgeous land, and I appreciate you not selling it, but the timing's just off."
"It'll sit there till you're ready. Now, what happened between you and Elizabeth, because the whole Town knows you love each other, but the two of you act dumber than a couple of oxen around each other. If you had just told her you loved her that day, instead of whatever you did, we wouldn't have had to go through this Bouchard mess!"
"You're blaming that on me? How dare you? And aren't you just a little bit late talking to me now, when maybe I could have used someone to talk to over the last six months going through this whole mess alone?"
"Nathan, I didn't want to pry."
"But you do now?" asked Nathan incredulously.
Both men were at a stalemate.
Dead silence.
Then Bill spoke up, "Want some words from a man who's been there?"
Nathan didn't answer.
"Well, you're gettin' them anyway!"
Nathan just sighed and rolled his eyes.
"Might as well let you have your say, because you and I both know, you're going to anyway."
"Thank you."
Then Bill continued, "I want to know how you messed up so badly by not tellin' Elizabeth how you felt, that she flew to Bouchard? And I want to know because I want to help you. I had no idea they had broken up. But I'm not ashamed to tell you I knew it was gonna happen, because if Elizabeth hadn't done it, I was gonna do it myself!"
"What were you going to do Bill, shoot him?"
"It crossed my mind."
"Oh, great," Nathan's right hand flew to his forehead. "I get to arrest a Judge!"
"Why didn't you tell her, Nathan?" and then Bill looked really closely at his eyes, and in that instant, he knew.
"You told her!" he said incredulously.
"What if I did, Bill, it didn't do much good, did it."
"What did you tell her?"
"Bill, although she's told everyone, Lucas included, I'm sure, I've told no one out of respect for her, and I'm not about to talk about it now."
"Then answer this, because I know she loves you, why did she run?"
"If you must know, she can't go through losing me like she did Jack."
"What? She now thinks all Mounties are killed?"
"Bill, she's terrified. Petrified. Between us, I even offered to leave the Mounties. And you've seen exactly what that got me!"
"Oh, Nathan, I'm sorry. I'm so very sorry. Here I was blamin' you for being as slow as a turtle."
"Well, for once, I wasn't. And I didn't tell you what we said to each other and won't. I just gave you the gist of her refusal."
"I'm just so sorry. You think it's changed now, that she's broken up with Lucas?"
"Bill, I don't feel comfortable talking about this. Please drop it."
"Sorry, Nathan, I can't. If you two won't fight for each other, I will. I'm gonna talk to her."
There was horror in Nathan's eyes.
"Bill, you cannot do that! And I mean it. You saw how she is right now. She couldn't decide what to have for breakfast if her life depended on it. Please let this drop, in the name of mercy, let this drop. If you want to do me a favor, you're doing it by helping me sit with her during the nights. Besides that, just pray for her healing, Bill! That's it!"
"Nathan, that's a given. What I don't want to see is a repeat of what we've just gone through!"
"We've gone through? How do you think it was for me to go through? Short of losing Colleen, it was the worst experience of my life. And I went through it alone! You don't know what I went through. And you're not going to know!"
"That sounds pretty final, Nathan. Have you given up?"
"Bill, I'm the one who never gave up. Until they started Courting that is. And I'll admit even then, I couldn't believe they'd go through with it. But Elizabeth ran away, Bill. And she ran away from me. How am I supposed to feel?"
"A hundred times worse than I did."
"Try a thousand or a million."
Bill was shaken by the look Nathan was giving him.
Then Nathan's voice softened.
"Bill, it's taken a lot for me to get through this. I had no one to talk to and wouldn't have divulged anything Elizabeth said, anyway. But between Elizabeth and Lucas, there were a lot of devastating things said to me. I had no peace till yesterday. None at all. I was living in total anguish, feeling I was less than, that I didn't even matter. I am very grateful, to say that I finally, after all this time, now have peace about the whole mess. All that's now in my past. But, as far as Elizabeth and I are concerned, I don't know anything, except that I have to help her through this. I have to get her well. That's all I know. Whether or not we have a future, I have no idea."
"Understood. And I'm sorrier than you know. I should have been there for you. I'll never forgive myself for that, Nathan. I really won't."
"Well, don't beat yourself up, I'm not the most open person in the world!" admitted Nathan.
"No, that you aren't, but I knew somethin' was terrible wrong, and I should have insisted. I just couldn't put my finger on it. I guess in some twisted way, I was subconsciously blamin' your lack of movin' forward, as the cause for Elizabeth getting' with Lucas, when it was the exact opposite. I am so very sorry, Nathan."
"It's okay, Bill. I've finally survived it."
"I'm only gonna say one more thing. When you're talkin' about love Nathan, and I mean that once in a lifetime kind of love, like Elizabeth and you share, after that love causes monumental pain, and even because of that pain, we either walk away and forsake that love altogether, or we embrace it completely, knowing the bad parts of that love made us stronger, almost invincible in our love. That's a priceless treasure, even after all the bad, especially after all the bad. I pray for nothin' less than Elizabeth and you, eventually embracin' your love together. And, I'm not tellin' you it has to be now, because I know healing individually and together takes time. And although it might not feel that way now, what you two still have is a once in a lifetime kind of love."
"How do you know that, Bill? I believed that once, but now I no longer know that."
"Because many years ago, my once-in-a-lifetime love and I forsook our love. I've never been the same since and I found out recently, neither has she. You think you've had it rough? The roughest road is livin' apart after you've walked away."
Nathan was nonplussed, surprised to hear that admission from the gruff man who stood before him.
"There isn't any rush, Nathan. But don't forget these words, whatever you do."
Bill walked behind his desk and placed his hand on Nathan's shoulder.
"I'll regret not bein' there for you through all this, till my dying day. It was wrong of me. But I won't forsake you now, or ever again. I'll always be here for you, Nathan Grant. Always. So, maybe you work on openin' up, and I'll work on listenin'. Because you've always got an advocate and confidant in me. An advocate and confidant who will help you carry your burdens, no matter how big or how small they are. Whether you like it or not, you're no longer alone."
Nathan stood and the two men embraced, with a brand-new understanding of each other.
(*2) Too Ra Loo Ra Loo Ral (That's an Irish Lullaby), James Royce Shannon, 1913, Public Domain