A/N: It lives!

Forever hoping I can find memories
Those memories I left behind

Chapter 14: Memories

Seifer dreamt that he was back in Centra, standing in the field behind Matron's house and looking up at the sky as a haze of red and blue clouds consumed the horizon. He sat down in the grass and flowers, letting them rise up about him and wall him in. The heavy stocks seemed to grow thicker and bigger, and Seifer dissolved into a frightened, insecure little boy. He crouched down, his heart buzzing with fear that he would be discovered. The long grasses would protect and hide him (they had already solidified into a hard shell) if he only sunk down low enough in them. He curled into a ball, flattened himself as much as possible, and prayed to a god he couldn't name.

He woke from the dream feeling disturbed, his whole body clammy and hot. He'd had the dream since he was little, and it came back to haunt him at the strangest times. At least, he reflected, he hadn't dreamt about Ultimecia.

A day had gone by since Quistis had asked him to help her find the monster. He rolled over and looked at the clock. She would be there to pick him up in two hours, and then they would start their investigation. She had taken time off of work to help him, not normally allowed out in the field since she had taken a management job. But apparently, in very Quistis-like fashion, she had never taken a sick day since she started in the position and had saved a significant number of them up. Seifer couldn't quite figure out why she was giving them up for him, and in truth he preferred not to question her motives lest doubt and uncertainty rear it's head in his heart. So, he allowed himself to believe that he was redeemable and that Quistis could see the kernel of good within him, even if he could not.

Still, he wondered how she would react when she discovered the truth. Would she turn her back on him when she discovered what he really was? When she learned the true nature of his demons? Would she treat him like the monster he was?

Seifer pushed off the covers and without thinking through the motions got into the shower.

He had never been a good person, that much was obvious. Even as a little boy, he'd been a thin shell over an explosive core. Yet there had always been another small glow inside that he struggled to ignore and to hide. It was an injury, one with a particularly long life. It seeped, and it festered, and he ignored it. He shut it in, hid it from view, and over time even forgot about it. It was that tiny spot, which even Seifer didn't acknowledge existed, that Ultimecia had used to curse him. She saw it for the weakness that it was: the long forgotten, aged chink in the ramparts of Seifer's soul. And it was there that the beast loomed, sewn in the fertile soil of his pain and insecurity. And from there it grew.

He could feel it now with more force than ever before. For long years it had been easy for him to ignore. But now the beast was a constant presence, a duality which slumbered beneath the surface. It was betrayal, the worst of all sins which resided in the deepest depths of hell.

Seifer dressed and he was sitting on the couch flipping through channels on TV when Quistis arrived, fifteen minutes early.

"Good morning," she smiled, offering him a bright and encouraging smile. "Are you ready to go? I rented us a Garden car."

"Why? Where are we going?" he asked.

"Investigating," she replied simply.

He wondered where she was planning to begin and what she already knew. He was keenly aware of the fact that Bella Cevario was recovering in Garden. Her broken jaw had probably made things difficult, but it wouldn't keep her from communicating. Injuries were treated lightly by Garden staff. The idea was desensitization: to keep cadets calm when they or others were hurt in the field and to encourage them to work through pain rather than become derailed by it. Darshan's death would give him extra time to figure out what he was going to do, but it didn't take Bella or what had happened in Trabia out of the picture.

Quistis picked up his shoes and dropped them into his lap. "Come on. Hurry up."

"I don't know what you think we're going to accomplish by doing this," Seifer grunted.

"Favors, Seifer. You scratch Garden's back and they'll scratch yours."

As Seifer put on his shoes and searched his room for his key card, Quistis left and raided the continental breakfast table for the morning's fuel. By the time Seifer got out to the school bus yellow Garden car, she was halfway through a Styrofoam cup of orange juice and a chocolate éclair. Waiting for him on the passenger seat was a similar breakfast but with coffee and a maple bar.

"So," he said as he got in and started on his breakfast, "where are we starting?"

"The harbor," she replied, turning the key and starting the car.

"What's in the harbor?"

"Boats, of course." The sides of Quistis' mouth twitched with humor. Seifer couldn't help but feel patronized. At the same time, alarm bells began to go off in his head. He'd come on a boat to Balamb. But...everyone came by boat to Balamb, and unless she thought the monster could fly it made sense for Quistis to begin her investigation there.

Seifer occupied himself with finishing his doughnut and coffee as they traveled the short distance from the hotel to the harbor. At this time of morning, the docks were buzzing with activity and the seagulls were making pests of themselves, swooping low over the ships and bouncing along the pavement after people. All of the ships looked basically the same, so Seifer wasn't sure if the one he'd come to town on was still there.

"Before we do this," Quistis said, stopping the car, "you were in Trabia when the attacks there happened. Is there anything you can tell me about them? About the monster?"

She was holding the car keys in her lap and giving him a hopeful look.

":No," he said. "I don't know anything about it. The last people I'd have wanted to be around in Trabia were SeeDs. I avoided them."

"Okay. Right." They got out of the car, stepping into the salty sea breeze, and Seifer heard the doors auto-lock behind him as they walked together toward the docks. The strategy, he quickly realized, was to go from boat to boat and try to catch all of them before they left for the day. Quistis had a small, yellow note pad on which she wrote the name of the first ship they approached, Lucky Star.

"Whoa! Hold on there. Where do you two think you're going?"

One of the sailors stopped them and pushed back his baseball cap to get a better look. Quistis wasn't in uniform since she wasn't on official Garden business. Instead, she was wearing a navy blue skirt, pumps, and a black turtleneck sweater which was partially obscured by a dark blue, felt jacket with light pink embroidery. She certainly didn't look like she belonged on a ship.

"We're with Garden," she replied, pulling her ID out of her jacket pocket. "We'd like to have a word with your captain."

"I am the captain." The man crossed his arms and leaned back on his heels. "What can I do for you?"

"Has your ship been to Trabia lately? Or Esthar?" she asked.

"No. We strictly move between Dollet and here."

"And have you seen anything strange around the docks in the past week?"

"Strange? Strange how?"

"Any suspicious person or unusual animal."

The captain glanced over Quistis' shoulder at Seifer and then shook his head. "If you're looking for ships out of Trabia, you may want to check with the harbor master. Sees pretty much all the coming and going around here. Any regular ships or...unusual occurrences...he'd know."

"And what's his name?"

"Finn Dincht. Should be in by now. Might be able to catch him before all the ships head out."

"Dincht?" Quistis pushed her hands into her pockets. "Any relation to the Dinchts in town?"

He shrugged. "Dunno."

"Well...thanks. You've been a lot of help."

The Lucky Star captain went back about his business, and Quistis spun around to face Seifer.

"Finn Dincht," she breathed. "What do you suppose are the chances? What do you think? Brother...cousin...illegitimate son?" She smiled, but Seifer wasn't feeling light and happy.

"Doesn't breed a whole lot of confidence that the guy's related to Chicken Wuss," he replied.

Dodging sailors and seagulls the whole way, they slowly made their way to the ramshackle building at the other end of the docks. A large sign at the front of the building read "Harbor Master" but the white painted letters were beginning to chip off. A few more stormy seasons and it would be illegible. The condition of the building should have been some indication of the man inside, but Seifer was still surprised when Quistis' knock was answered by a withered old man with too short pants, cloudy eyes, and spit in the corners of his mouth.

"Oh...morning." The old man shifted his weight to his left foot, leaning slightly against the door jam. He looked unpleasantly surprised, his gaze hovering disconcertingly on Seifer.

"Are you Finn?" Quistis asked.

"That's me."

"Finn Dincht?"

"That's right."

Quistis pushed a strand of hair out of her face and smiled. "I have a friend with the same last name: Zell Dincht. Are you related?"

"Mmm," Finn smiled back. "Zell's my grandson. And you must be...hrm...Quistis?" She grinned. "And...Seifer."

"We are," Quistis nodded. "I had no idea Zell had a grandfather. We...neither of us have much of a family. I guess I never really thought to ask Zell about his."

"It's nice to meet some of Zell's friends," he looked straight on at Seifer again. "But I'm a little busy this morning. Think you can come back in a few hours?"

"Actually, we're here on business. An investigation. Mind if we ask you a few questions?" Quistis was still smiling at the old man. Seifer didn't see why. There was nothing special about this guy. In fact, he was kind of disgusting. He didn't envy Zell having a family, or having any relation to this feeble excuse for a human being. He hoped he never lived to such an unpleasant age. What good did it to anyone to have a grandpa anyway?

"I guess." Finn stepped out of the way and motioned them inside. The two room office had a nice breeze blowing through the windows but still managed to feel stuffy and dank. Although Quistis immediately set about looking at a ship in a bottle on Finn's desk, Seifer was becoming steadily more uncomfortable.

"Did you build this yourself?" Quistis asked as he followed them in and sat down behind the desk.

"Eons ago," Finn smiled at her. "What is it that you need from me?"

"We're looking for a list of ships that travel between Trabia and Balamb," Quistis replied. "We'd like to interview their crews."

"Hmm...Trabia, you say? Not a lot of ships that go there. Few timber haulers, one passenger, and a couple freight I think." Finn began flipping through a rolodex on his desk. "The Wild Chocobo goes back and forth pretty frequently but they haven't been here for about a week. Due in tomorrow or the next day perhaps."

"We'd appreciate any help you could give us in narrowing down our search," Quistis said, sitting down. Seifer stood behind her.

"I'd say," he said, "that the ship you're looking for is probably the Albatross. Freighter. Came in only a few days ago and is still loading for the trip back. Had a bit of an incident while coming into the harbor."

"An incident?"

"Seems they had wolves on board with them," Finn nodded. "Down in the cargo hold. One of the sailors came on them sleeping among the crates, woke 'em up. They weren't too happy."

"Was anyone hurt?"

"Don't think so. Wolves both jumped overboard and swam ashore, they said." Finn shook his head. "Wish I'd been there to see it. Haven't been wolves in these parts in a long time. Not even many of them left in Trabia now."

Seifer felt a sudden wave of nausea and began to sweat under his clothes. His skin prickled and images of the two wolves which haunted his memories flashed across his mind's eye. The feelings that overran him were mixed: revulsion and anger on one hand, a sense of intense relief on the other. They were his shadow, always present and with him. It was more than he could say for a lot of things in his life. But they always came with the transformation. And in this little cottage on the harbor, trapped in a small room with Quistis and Zell's grandfather, he couldn't allow the transformation to take place.

He swallowed hard. Closed his eyes and settled his body. He wouldn't let it over-take him now. Not now.

When he opened his eyes Finn was staring at him and Quistis had turned around in her chair. He looked down at them.

"You alright?" Finn asked. "You look a little puny."

"I'm fine."

"Here," he leaned over in his chair and filled a small Dixie cup from the water cooler. "Have a drink."

Reluctantly, Seifer accepted the water. It was deliciously cool and refreshing. He nearly finished the cup in one swallow.

"Captain of the Albatross is a man named Buck Henry," Finn said to Quistis. "They're still in the harbor if you want to talk to them. Aren't scheduled to depart again until tomorrow."

"I think we will." Quistis moved to get up but stopped and sank back down into her chair. Seifer could see her mind working. His heartbeat was audible in his ears as he wondered what conclusions she was coming to. Did she already know it was him? Was she as revolted as he was?

"Anything else?" Finn asked, noticing her hesitation.

Quistis blushed a little. "I just...wanted to ask. Are you and Zell close? Do you see each other often?"

"As often as we can, I suppose," Finn shrugged. "Being a SeeD and all, he's not around that often. When he was little we used to fish and boat together a lot. We'd row out to the sandbar in low tide and collect shells and crab. Haven't done that for a while now though. My...uh...my joints aren't quite what they used to be."

"He's lucky to have you," Quistis nodded. "Thanks for your help."

Seifer nearly knocked the door off its hinges in his haste to escape. Once outside he felt a little better and drug in heavy mouthfuls of fresh air.

Quistis came up behind him.

"Are you alright?" she asked, putting a hand on his shoulder. "Are you sick?"

Seifer couldn't help but laugh. "I guess I am."

She frowned. "The other night...you were so hot. And now. You broke into a cold sweat in there. You looked like you were about to throw up."

"I'm fine now," he insisted.

She arched an eyebrow and crossed her arms. "If you say so. But I really think if you don't start to get better soon that you should see someone about it."

"See who? Walk into Garden and ask Dr. Kadowaki? I'd probably be arrested."

She didn't respond. Instead, she shaded her eyes and looked out over the harbor.

"Interesting story about the Albatross," she said. "The thing about the wolves. What do you think?"

"I think they were at sea too long," Seifer replied. "There aren't any wolves in Balamb. Or Trabia."

Quistis shook her head. "No. I saw one."

Seifer's stomach vaulted within him. "Saw one?"

"You remember the night I found you on the beach?" she asked. "I was walking up from the beach back toward Garden when this big, silver wolf came out of the trees in front of me. I'd never seen one before. I wasn't sure what to do. And it was so...big and...I don't know. I went around it. That's why I went further down the beach and found you."

Confused, Seifer stared at her. She'd seen one of his wolves? Actually seen one? He'd always half thought that they were just another part of the transformation, a frenzied creation of a strained mind.

But he'd seen them too.

Had he? He wasn't sure why he'd suddenly thought that. He didn't clearly remember them, but he knew them. And he knew they were real. That was clear now.

He was looking at Quistis but not seeing her as his brain ran through all his vague memories of the wolves and tried to piece them together. They were definitely connected to the transformation. They'd only appeared after the war, only after the first time it had happened to him. And they were there every time, he thought. Always appearing between the trees, around corners, and out of shadows before the creature seized him. At first they had been omens. Now, suddenly, they seemed like agents.

Were they the reason all of this was happening?

Quistis had seen one. They were definitely following him. It couldn't be a coincidence that they appeared every time he changed. Maybe they were making it happen. Maybe they were the monster.

Suddenly, Seifer had hope. He seized Quistis' arm and squeezed.

"Do you suppose," he asked, "they have something to do with this. I mean, could it just be a coincidence?"

Quistis tugged her arm away. "I don't know. But it seems strange, doesn't it? I mean...they're wolves, after all. I think we should go talk to that ship's crew. They must have picked those wolves up in Trabia, and I can't imagine it's just a big coincidence that the killings traveled here at the same time they did."

"You're right," Seifer nodded. "I don't think it is. I think if we find them...it can all be over."

Quistis smiled a little, encouraged by his sudden drive. "And then you can come back to Garden," she said, reaching out to rub his back.

It was a strange gesture. One she hadn't made toward him in a very long time. It was something he remembered Matron doing when he was little, and he remembered her imitating Matron when she went through her big sister phase -- never mind that she was only two months older than him.

She walked away from him then toward the ships, and as he watched her go he was struck by a sense of relief.

He knew this woman. She wouldn't relent until they found out what was causing this and resolved it. She didn't have to, but they had a history. They were family. She would help him through this because he was all she had -- Squall was neither lover nor brother and the others had been given their own families. Seifer and Quistis, they were the only ones left.

She turned around when she noticed that he wasn't following her. The wind was blowing through her blond hair, swirling loose strands around her face. She motioned for him to follow. He did, and as he walked he remembered being a boy, flying a kite for her in the field, pushing her down on the beach, ganging up on Zell with her, and tormenting Squall for getting all of her attention. They had been the first ones there in the orphanage. Once upon a time, Seifer and Quistis had been two frightened children sleeping together in Edea's spare room.

Quistis had sucked her thumb at the time, he remembered that. And she'd been terrified. He'd been angry. But in the night with the sound of her sucking in his ear and her body tucked in next to his, he'd felt some sense of family.

Presently, he caught up to her and felt real hope. The kind of hope he hadn't felt in a long time. This whole nightmare could be made right. He could trust her with this.

"I still can't believe," she said as he fell into step beside her, "that Zell has had a grandfather all this time and I never knew. Can you imagine?"

He understood her fascination with the old man now. The concept of grandparents was foreign to them. Seifer felt intensely lucky to be unconditionally connected to one person. To have a whole set of people who loved him...it was unfathomable. It was unthinkable that Zell could keep such a boon to himself for so many years.

"Chicken Wuss needed it," he said simply. "He needs more of that than we do."

She looked at him and then pointed out to sea. "There's the Albatross."