Chapter 5: Why is it so Hard to Say what you Mean?

Akane had spent the rest of the day alone moping around Nerima. She was too emotional to want to spend time with friends, and she knew that she would eventually run into Ranma if she went home. Her surroundings were a blur – it's lucky that she didn't run into any trouble, as she was completely unaware of her environment. Like a movie reel that looped instead of ending, her encounter with Takara kept repeating before her eyes.

As the afternoon started to wear on, she started to lazily make her way back home. She hadn't mentioned to anyone that she would be missing dinner and she was always afraid she'd hurt Kasumi's feelings if she missed a meal. Or maybe she was just making up little justifications to ease make her inevitable return home a little bit easier.

She found herself at the front door and turned to take one last look at the city. A part of her wanted to just run off into the wild of the city and never return. But that was probably her just being emotional. With a sigh, she opened the door and went to join the family for dinner. The first thing she noticed was Ranma sitting at the far end of the table. He was sitting in his male form looking a little forlorn and his red silk tunic was drenched with water – Genma had probably doused him with a tea kettle. Ranma looked up and saw Akane and smiled slightly.

The next thing she noticed was that the kindly Dr. Tofu was sitting at the head of the table in-between her father and Mr. Saotome.

"Oh, Dr. Tofu. It's a pleasure to see you again," she said, surprise evident in her voice.

"Yes, good to see you too, Akane!" He said as he gave an over-enthusiastic wave.

It was obvious that he was intoxicated by the presence of Kasumi

"See? I do invite other people to dinner as guests besides Mr. Saotome!" Soun announced in a loud and theatrically jovial voice.

"Okay," Akane said, unsure of what response her father was looking for.

When she sat down at the table Kasumi appeared from the kitchen with some miso soup and a plate full of food.

"Sorry I'm late," Akane said. "I lost track of time."

"Don't worry about it," Kasumi said with the warmest of smiles.

Genma slapped Dr. Tofu on the back. The kindly Doctor was surprised but seemed to enjoy all of the attention he was getting from his elders.

"Yes, it's good to have a bit of company in the house, isn't it, everyone? That ought to address any rumors going around!"

"Rumors?" Dr. Tofu asked.

"Yeah, some rumors going around town that pops and Mr. Tendo are lovers," Ranma deadpanned.

"Obviously, that's not the case," Dr. Tofu said with a laugh as he spilled his soup across his lap and then put the bowl on his head. "People can be so silly!"

"Yeah, they can," Ranma said. "I wouldn't be surprised if those same people saw this and thought the two of them were trying to spice up their relationship by inviting a younger man over."

Dr. Tofu laughed hysterically at this comment, and Genma and Soun chuckled nervously as they eyed each other from across the table. Akane had to look down so as not to giggle. She didn't bother to look at Ranma's face, but she could see a self-satisfied smirk in her mind's eye.

"How was your day, Akane?" Kasumi asked as she sat down to finish her own plate.

"It was pretty nice. I ran into Takara at the mall," she said.

"Takara?" Her father asked, in surprise. "I thought she was leaving town."

Akane did risk a glance at Ranma at this point. This topic of conversation seemed to make him uneasy.

"No, she's staying here and going to St Hebereke's."

"Really? A fascinating turn of events," Nabiki said as her eyes became distant.

"Hmmph. Well, at least Little Miss 180 Centimeters renounced her engagement," Genma grumbled.

"Hey! Don't make fun of her," Ranma barked at his father.

Even if her feelings for the tall swordswoman were a little complicated, it warmed her heart to see Ranma jumping in to defend a friend's honor. There was a good chance that he was doing the same thing for her any time anyone made a snide remark about her behind her own back. Unfortunately, that was the end of the dinner conversation for the evening. The rest of it was just bickering between Ranma and his father until eventually, the younger Saotome stormed out of the room.

He reappeared a few moments later, bowed and thanked Kasumi, and took his plate to wash it.

Later that night, Akane was reading a book on her bed alone. It was a romance novel that she kind of liked. She realized now that she only "kind of" liked the book because the princess was a knight who fought with a sword alongside the knights sworn to protect her. The male love interest didn't do much for her, but the steamier sections of the book paid particular attention to the princess' body and her physical responses to touch –

A Knock at the window startled her so much she threw her book up so high it rebounded off the ceiling. Turning, she saw Ranma – in his masculine form - perched outside of her window. She opened the window and looked at him without saying anything. He was still in his boy form and looking a little forlorn.

"Stars are nice tonight," Ranma said. "Well, as good as they get in the city. Wanna join me on the roof?"

"I don't really feel like climbing around tonight. It's been a long day."

Ranma shrugged and hopped into her room with a surprising amount of elegance. He looked around the room nervously for a place to sit and then decided to simply stand with his arms folded behind his back. Akane laughed softly and patted the bed next to her. With a little bit of reluctance, Ranma sat down next to her.

"Are you thirsty?" Akane asked.

"Not really."

"I am. I'll be right back," Akane said, and excused herself.

And so Ranma found himself alone in his fiancée's room. It felt a little bit voyeuristic, but he took in all the details. It wasn't an overly feminine room – there was a desk, a block, a bookcase, and the bed he was sitting on. The only thing that struck him as "girly" was three little stuffed animals sitting on a table in the corner of the room. But then most kids had stuffed animals growing up, and it was probably normal that they held onto one or two sentimental favorites.

His curiosity got the best of him and he walked over to get a better look at them. One was a rabbit person sitting on its hind legs with its heads lulling to the side, one was a stereotypical teddy bear that had a little top hat and a cape, and the last one was some kind of fairy. He could've sworn the fairy was from an old children's anime, and he picked it up and examined it, turning it around.

"Hey! What are you doing with my old toys?" Akane shouted, piercing the silence that had fallen in the room.

"Just looking," Ranma said as he placed the fairy back down gently.

"Well, go ahead and make fun of me. Get it out of your system."

Akane was standing there with two glasses of water and a scorned face.

"Like I said, I was just looking," Ranma said. "Pops wouldn't let me have any stuffed animals. Said it wasn't manly."

"Oh," Akane said, softening her voice and her body language. "Well, you could have one, if you like."

A smile overcame Ranma's face – but only briefly.

"I don't even have my own room. Pops would see it, and toss it out with the garbage," he sighed.

He walked back to Akane's bed and sat down on it cross-legged.

"I got you a glass of water, too," Akane said, as she handed him a glass.

"I said I wasn't thirsty."

"That's not why I brought it."

Akane handed him the glass and he noticed how cold to the touch it was. It was about half water and half ice. He looked down at the glass, and then up at the girl who had offered it to him. She had placed her own glass of water on her desk and seemed to have no interest in drinking it. Though at times thickheaded, Ranma was usually sharp-minded, and he recognized this for what it was – an invitation for him to assume his female form. A pang of sadness rang through him. It was such a subtle and thoughtful gesture. It struck him as one of the sweetest things anyone had ever done for him.

Realizing that he was close to showing emotions, he slipped into a more somber expression. He studied the face of the girl who was offering to let him explore his femininity. She looked a little scared – she was uncertain of how he was going to respond. Ranma fought to get his emotions under control.

"Well, I suppose hydration is important for a martial artist, right?" He said in a bored tone, before taking a drink.

Almost immediately, he regretted not saying thank you to her, or perhaps hinting at how much it meant to him. Or even just outright saying it.

"Thanks," He said evenly, with his feminine voice.

But it didn't convey what he really wanted to say. Why was it so hard to say what you mean?

She took a seat next to him, but her body was tense, and she had looked down at her lap instead of making eye contact.

"We really have to talk about something," Akane started.

"I know. I've been thinking about it all day," Ranma said.

"Ranma, I – "

"No, let me go first. While I've still got it in me," Ranma interrupted.

He took a deep breath.

"When you touched me, Akane, I liked it."

Akane waited for him to elaborate, but the redhead just stared at her.

"And?"

"Uh…I Liked it. A lot. And that scared me, so I ran off," he said, his facing turning almost as red as his hair.

"I definitely want to talk about that, but something happened -–"

"No really, 'Kane, I gotta say this before I lose my nerve, okay? I also have to apologize to you."

"Apologize?" Akane asked, surprised.

This was it. He was going to be sincere, and say exactly what he meant for a change. And he was going to blurt it all out before his bravery faded.

"I've been thinking. For most of my life, Takara was the only one who ever thought my femininity was a good thing and didn't make fun of me for it. And I realized that meant a lot to me. But, I kept thinking, and I realized that kind of made me a – hypocrite? That's the word, right? 'Cause I've always made fun of you for being a tomboy. And the truth is – "

Akane's eyes widened and her mouth fell open. She looked as if she had just realized an oncoming train was coming straight at her and there was no time to dodge.

"The truth is, I love tomboys," Ranma said. "I think it's cool when a girl doesn't have to be traditionally girly all the time and can just be themselves. All my favorite girls have been tomboys. The only reason why I used it as an insult is because I sensed that it would get under your skin, and I only tried to get under your skin because fighting is all I really know. I don't really get feelings, or romance, or…sex."

He scooted a little closer and eyed her hands. He considered taking her hands but decided against it.

"So, don't feel bad about that part of yourself, okay? Just…don't. It's a good part of you."

Tears streamed down from Akane's eyes, but she didn't make a sound.

"A good part of me?"

"Yeah. One of my favorite things about you."."

Her silence gave way to ugly crying, and she buried her head into Ranma's chest, sobbing. Shocked, and uncertain of how to respond, Ranma looked at the crying girl and wondered what to do. At times like these, when his mind didn't know the answer, he followed his intuition. He put his arms around her gently and pulled her into a hug as she cried into him.

"I didn't mean to make you cry," Ranma said.

Despite Ranma's general lack of emotional literacy, he sensed that this wasn't the kind of tears born of sorrow.

She looked up to him, her eyes still glistening with tears.

"No one has ever told me that was a good thing before," she said.

The blue-haired girl wrapped her arms around Ranma and attempted to talk to him.

"My whole life, Ranma," she choked. "Everyone made me feel like it was wrong. Everyone, Ranma. Father, my friends, my teachers. Maybe not my mother. I Don't remember. And I've spent so much of my life trying not to be one. So much energy."

Ranma listened, and he leaned into the stoicism he had learned in his training to be a man. And yet, this was a variation of the technique, fused with something new. This time he wasn't being stoic to avoid emotion, but rather to let Akane experience hers without judgment and with a caring ear. He was taking on the role of a nurturer. Had he ever done that before?

It wasn't so bad, Ranma decided.

"I've waited my whole life to hear those words. Thank you, Ranma."

Her breathing slowed, and eventually, her eyes dried. She kept her face in Ranma's chest and let it rise and fall with the rhythm of his breathing. Finally, she broke contact and wiped her eyes with her sleeve. It was difficult for her to meet the eyes of the beautiful feminine-bodied person sitting beside her, but she forced her eyes to lift upwards and make contact.

She went in for a kiss, and time froze for them both.

Eventually, the normal passage of time resumed and they felt themselves fall back down into the grasp of reality. Akane broke apart from Ranma and lay down on the bed.

"Ranma, I screwed up big today. I'm so sorry."

"What? No, this has been nice," Ranma said.

"I made out with Takara."

She didn't want to, but Akane opened her eyes and turned to face the girl sitting on her bed. Ranma's expression was blank.

"You made out with Takara?"

"Yes. We met while shopping, and we were trying stuff on in a changing room, and I just lost control."

The redheaded girl's face darkened. Akane braced for Ranma to fly into a rage, but Ranma stood still and silent. Akane became aware of the ticking of her clock that hung on the wall. It had been ticking out its usual rhythm this whole time, but it had faded into the background. This awkward moment amplified the sound of the old clock and it pounded in Akane's eardrums.

"Say something!" Akane pleaded.

"Why?" Ranma asked.

"Because I can't stand this silence."

"Ugh!" Ranma smacked his forehead in irritation. "I mean, why did you make out with Takara?"

"I've been wanting someone to touch me for a long time. I tried to repress it. And when I was with you, I was hoping that you would touch me, too. But you didn't. You ran away."

"Oh, so it's my fault you made out with Takara?" Ranma asked, his voice rising.

"What? No," Akane faltered. "It's still my fault. But I think that's why I did it."

Ranma leaped to his feet and started pacing about, deep in thought. He stopped abruptly and turned to face her.

"I wanted to touch her, too, y'know," he said. "Like, really bad! But I thought you and I had something."

"We do!"

"Must not be that special. You barely even knew Takara, and you were all over her."

"I really am sorry. I regretted it right away. It's just – why don't you ever touch me, Ranma?"

He turned his head away and crossed his arms.

"I don't really get the whole concept of touching, okay?"

"What do you mean, you don't get it? It's simple."

"Maybe to you," Ranma said. "Growing up on the road, nobody touched me, and I didn't touch anyone. I know there's a right time to touch people, but if you do it at the wrong time, then you come off as creepy. It's easier just not to chance it. And you'd probably just call me a pervert if I did, anyway."

Mentally, he thought of how he had experimented with being physical with Takara, but knew now wasn't the time to mention that.

"Not anymore!" Akane said. "And I've always known you're not a pervert. I never really meant it."

Ranma ignored her. He sat down on the bed again, and pulled his knees to his chest and hugged them. His anger festered within him. The shifting of the bed alerted him to the fact that Akane had sat down next to him, but he purposefully looked in the opposite direction. Neither of them spoke as minutes went past.

It was strange. The fact that Akane had been physical with another girl didn't really bother him that much. Mildly irritated, perhaps. But that's really not where the anger was stemming from. It was the fact that he'd put in the effort – both symbolic and mental – to resist his attractions to Takara. Akane hadn't extended the same courtesy.

In a sudden movement, he swiveled to face Akane, who had been crying silently.

"What would you have done if you'd found out that I had made out with Takara that first night? Huh?"

Akane shrugged. "It was kind of upsetting just to have you cuddling with her. In a boy form, of all things. I'd probably have gone berserk if I'd known you'd gone further."

Ranma flinched. He'd thought the cuddling thing was in the realm of reasonability, but he was having doubts about that now. Just another reason to avoid touching other human beings, he figured.

"See? You'd have gone berserk if I'd done it. How am I supposed to feel?"

Akane looked at him with a serious expression.

"Would you be more interested in me if I were a boy?" Akane asked.

As his train of thought derailed, he only managed to stare at her, dumbstruck.

"Come again?"

"Would you be more interested in touching me if I were a boy?" she asked.

For a moment, he tried to picture Akane's cursed form. In his mental image, her boy form was about the same height and was a little on the androgynous side but had a more rectangular-shaped body devoid of curves. It was an intriguing thought. In his mind, he cycled through a variety of hairstyles, before settling on something a little shaggy, but still boyish.

You would be cute as a boy, too, he thought to himself.

"No," Ranma said in a hushed tone. "I would just be equally interested."

She smiled the saddest smile he'd ever seen.

"Please touch me," she whispered.

"Not tonight," Ranma said with an air of finality.

"Can you forgive me?" She asked as Ranma walked towards the window.

He looked over his shoulder at her, but said nothing. Then he jumped out the window, bounced off a tree branch, and disappeared from Akane's sight.

Well, that went well, he thought to himself.

Ranma was cradling his head with his arms as he lay on the roof gazing up at the stars.

There for a moment, it had seemed like they were going to make some progress towards something. He wasn't sure what. Something closer to their potential? Something closer to maturity? He had no idea what it meant to be truly grown up, but he knew that the way they always fought like cats and dogs was a sign of immaturity.

It's such a shame, he thought. Just as they were moving forward, something happened, and they slipped backwards. He suppressed a shiver as he thought back to the night before and the time they had spent on this very spot. Akane had asked a question: If the two of them chose to date, would it really be their own decision? Or would they be "Falling into the gears of destiny?" Ranma had understood the phrase and related to it, even if it was perhaps a bit flowery – or even melodramatic.

But while Akane pictured destiny as a great machine, where everything had its place and its function, Ranma thought that destiny could be best described with water metaphors. It was like everybody in Nerima was stuck in a current. No matter how hard they tried to swim out of it, the current would pull them back to where they started. And if they gave up, there was an undertow that would pull them down into despair.

They had managed to avert a full-on fight like they used to have, but the current still had them in its grasp, and their anger had still flared up and ruined the moment.

But if destiny were a machine, then surely it could be broken? And even if destiny took on the form of a current, there were ways to escape it. Swimming diagonally stretched the metaphor to its breaking point, but it illustrated that even a current could be defeated.

And if Ranma could break the machine, and escape from the current, then Ranma would be free. But then what? Then what would he do? What would he be? What would freedom from destiny look like? And why did the thought of knowing the answer scare him as much as not knowing the answer did?