Even though I leave
will I go on believing
that this time is real
- am I lost in this feeling?

Chapter 15: Feeling

Buck Henry, the captain of the Albatross, wasn't the sort of man Seifer had been expecting. He was young, maybe only a few years older than Seifer himself. And he was charming. Quistis was smiling broadly up at him as he walked with them away from the ship and toward an empty area of the docks to talk. As he spoke, he reached out and brushed his fingers along her arm. He wore a blue knit cap and his shirt sleeves were rolled up, exposing strong forearms.

Seifer hated him immediately.

"It's a beautiful morning, isn't it?" Buck asked, looking down at Quistis, who nodded in agreement.

"It's a little muggy," Seifer grunted, picking up his pace so that he could shoulder his way in between them.

The captain was the one to yield. Quistis held her ground firmly and gave him a hot look for getting in the way.

"We won't keep you long," Seifer said. "We just have a few questions."

"Right. Questions." The captain walked over to a small picnic table in the grass and sat down at it. Quistis and Seifer sat across from him.

"It's nothing about you, or your crew," Quistis reassured him.

"I didn't think it was," he shrugged.

"You didn't?"

"Well...I'm assuming this is about the wolves. Right?" He leaned forward across the table on his elbows. "I've been on ships my whole life, and that was weird even for me!"

"You don't know how they got there?" Quistis asked.

Buck tilted his head to one side. "We were docked in Trabia for quite a while. Let most of my men leave the ship, stretch their legs a bit. It's not a big deal, we do it all the time. Nothing has ever gotten onto the ship before. In Trabia it's not really a big deal. Everyone knows everyone...it'd be hard for someone to hide it if they tried stealing cargo."

"I can see that."

Seifer remembered the ship, the way it had looked so abandoned and ghost-like in the night. It had practically sailed out of the mists to deliver him back into the world of the living.

"I suppose it's not too crazy to imagine that they were hungry or cold and came onto the ship just to see what was there," he scratched his chin. "Only, nothing was disturbed. They seem to have just curled up in the hold and have gone to sleep. Wasn't a problem until we got into the harbor here and one of my men went down to start the unloading process. Says he came around to the other side of a crate and they were both laying there together, huddled up. And the black one woke up and jumped at him."

Seifer tried to remember his trip on the ship. He remembered getting on it and then waking up to the commotion the wolves were causing. He didn't remember them being down in the cargo hold with him. He wondered why they felt so compelled to follow him, why they always stuck so close. Warily, he glanced around at the bushes and buildings surrounding him and wondered if they were hiding among them.

"There were two?" Quistis asked.

"Saw them myself," the captain nodded. "Black one and a silver one. Both of them big."

"What did they do once you found them?"

"Man who found them ran back up top. The two followed him...chased everyone around a little bit."

"Was anyone hurt?"

"Not really. Everyone's got a different story, of course, but I didn't see them attack anyone. Snapped at a few people. One of my guys insists that someone jumped overboard trying to escape them...but nobody is missing and if someone did, he's not about to fess up to it."

Quistis sighed and propped her head up with one hand. "So, they didn't seem vicious to you?"

The captain visibly paused before responding, apparently weighing his words. "I know you two are SeeD...and you wouldn't be here asking me these things unless someone has you after these wolves. They're animals, and they're wild. That's all they are. It's not wrong for something to be what it is." His gaze turned and met Seifer's. "They haven't been in these parts for some time...so people probably don't understand them and they're afraid. But that doesn't mean they can't be here."

Seifer looked away, uncomfortable with the other man's scrutiny. He knew at least one person saw him on that ship and he felt more than a little uncomfortable talking to the captain. What if he had been the one to see something? It was entirely possible that he knew.

"Maybe we should explain ourselves," Quistis sighed. "I'm not the kind of person who's just going to jump to conclusions about these animals, but the evidence is not in their favor at the moment. You see, we got a phone call at Garden from the Esthar Police Department about some strange deaths that had been happening in Trabia. They hired us to come investigate and take care of the monster responsible. You may have heard about these deaths during your time in Trabia: mostly women, all killed in their home, all mauled nearly beyond recognition. The attacks were brutal."

"Yeah," Buck nodded. "I heard about the deaths in Trabia. But Trabia is a brutal place. I don't really see why it concerns you."

"We had people in Trabia investigating," she explained. "One of our men was also killed. And just recently a similar victim appeared here in Balamb. It seems the monster has moved. It can't be a coincidence that your two wolves arrived here at the same time."

"Maybe not," he shrugged. "But I really can't help you any more than by saying that I saw them."

Quistis scratched her chin thoughtfully. "Have your men been on leave while in Balamb?"

"No. Most of my men live in Trabia. We're just here to get new cargo and then we leave."

"So, they haven't been talking to the locals?"

He made a non-committal gesture. "I'm sure they've spoken to a few local people, but I don't exactly monitor that kind of thing."

Seifer was antsy and uncomfortable during the last bit of the interview and couldn't clearly remember what had been said afterward. He was in a bit of a daze when Quistis stood up and shook the captain's hand. All the talk of the wolves had brought them suddenly and sharply to mind. They were the darkness visualized. Suddenly, he wasn't at all comfortable with them being in Balamb. Even more, he was deeply unsettled by the fact that Quistis was aware of them and had even come face to face with one. He felt violated by their intrusion into this aspect of his life.

"You really have been a lot of help. Thank you."

Seifer watched as Buck Henry strode off toward his boat and Quistis thoughtfully crossed her arms.

"What do you think?" she asked him. "He certainly seemed to think the wolves weren't responsible. But what else could it be?"

"I think..." he wasn't positive what to say, his thoughts just beginning to collect together. "I think if we get rid of them, the killings will stop."

That much, he thought, he was absolutely sure of. They were connected.

Quistis grunted softly, keeping her thoughts to herself.

"So. Where to next, then?"

"I'm not sure yet. How about we go grab a bite to eat? My treat," she suggested.

Seifer was happy to get away from the docks. As they drove back into town, he breathed a long sigh of relief. Downtown Balamb was familiar and comforting. Every street corner and building held a memory from happier times in his life. It wasn't so hard to believe in the car beside Quistis that he was just on his way to another SeeD field exam -- a young, unruly cadet full of possibility and potential. He'd participated in so many field exams during his Garden career that he had no difficulty unearthing memories. Most prominent, of course, was his last. The one in Dollet where he had unwittingly sewn the seeds of his own discontent.

He chose to ignore these memories and instead focused on what he recalled of his first exam -- the obligatory trip to the Fire Cavern with Quistis followed by a mission to Timber to squelch the urban unrest wracking the city. That had been the moment in which Seifer had met Rinoa, and for a few months his life had really looked like everything was going smoothly. Even then he'd known that it wouldn't last. All good things end in time -- in Seifer's case, coming into and out of his life in lightning flashes. The summer with Rinoa closed with their relationship on uncertain grounds. He went back to Garden, she continued her resistance in Timber. And the next time he saw her, she was already in love with Squall.

Seifer's own reflection brought him out of his reverie. His face stared back at him from the rearview mirror, the wind from the open window ruffling his hair.

He looked bad.

He hadn't even realized how the past few years had aged him.

Running a hand along his jaw, he felt the lazy beard growth there that blurred the edges of a sharp, jutting jaw. His eyes had sunken a little bit. And his hair which he had always worn brushed back was now too long to do much with. It hung in his eyes and curled slightly around his collar.

As Quistis pulled into the parking lot of a small diner, he resolutely decided that the first step toward recovering himself was going to be physical. He'd resurrect the Seifer of eighteen and forget the past few years. The wolves would be taken care of, and the best inside would be controlled again. He really felt for a moment that he could do it; he could live again in the world he remembered.

He followed Quistis into the diner and she ordered each of them a cheeseburger, fries, and soda. They decided to eat on the restaurant's patio which overlooked the harbor. A gentle sea breeze was blowing and Seifer could just barely make out the form of the Albatross bobbing in the waves.

"Bit of an early lunch," Quistis shrugged, looking at her watch. "But I'm starving. Breakfast just doesn't do it for me sometimes, you know?"

Seifer nodded and chewed his hamburger.

Quistis sipped her soda and made small talk. "What did you do while you were in Trabia? I can't imagine there are many jobs there."

"This and that," he replied. "Odd jobs."

"Did you stay in one place, or did you move around a lot?"

"Moved around. Don't like to stay too long in once place and wear out my welcome." He looked up at her to see if she looked at all guilty or ashamed, but the look on her face was purely thoughtful. She was relaxed, leaning back in her chair with her legs crossed.

"Is that what you were trying to do when Darshan and Bella arrived? Move on to a new town?"

Seifer's hackles began to rise. "Sort of. I wasn't ready to move on yet...but I didn't want to stay around where there was SeeD."

"They weren't there after you," she said simply. "You've never been formally charged with anything."

"You think that makes a difference?"

"It could make a big difference." She started on her fries. "I guess I don't see why you're so reluctant to do anything that might improve your condition."

"What's that supposed to mean?" Seifer slammed his soda down on the table petulantly.

"This monster," Quistis shook her head. "These wolves. I know you know something about them, Seifer. You should have seen your face during the whole interview with Captain Henry. You were terrified. And I know from Bella that you were out there in the woods when Darshan was killed, and that you were hurt, too." She sighed. "I've seen what this thing can do. I'm not sure that I can believe that just two wolves are behind the deaths...and I don't think that you believe that either. If you'd just tell me what you know, I could help you."

"What makes you think that you can do anything to help me?" he demanded.

"You've been running and hiding all this time, and you don't have to. Don't you want your life back?"

He crossed his arms tightly across his chest, not sure what to say. "Even if I were to stop this monster, I could never have my life back."

"You need to quit blaming yourself and give it a chance," she said, jabbing a fry at him. "We've known each other for a long time, and I know the kind of potential you have. If you'd just buckle down and take control of your life, you could do anything you wanted."

Seifer wanted to believe her. The possibility of taking everything back, every sinful thing he'd ever done, was tempting, and for a moment he was lost in it.

He was struck by the beauty of it.

Redemption. Forgiveness. Absolution.

Was it really possible for him to correct the horrible things he'd done and drive the beast away? He could hardly hope to imagine what life would be like if he never had to think about it again. Ultimecia, the dark harbinger of his torment, could give way to peace.

Seifer sighed. It all sounded so restful.

Quistis reached across the table and touched his hand. Her eyes nailed him in place as she spoke. "Just tell me what you've seen, and I'll help you."

He opened his mouth, but closed it again. He couldn't tell her that he was the monster. How could he explain? But he wanted her help.

"I've seen the wolves," he admitted. "In Trabia and here. They were in the woods that day when Darshan was killed. I'm not sure what role they play...but they're connected. I know it."

Quistis nodded, chewing this information over.

"You're afraid of them?" she asked.

Seifer didn't want to admit that he was afraid, and fear wasn't exactly the correct word. He wasn't afraid of the wolves, but knew when he saw them that the change was coming. They were symbols of fear. He couldn't tell Quistis the truth, but he couldn't help feeling that if she could resolve his issue with the wolves things would become bearable again.

So, he nodded. "Yes. I'm afraid of them."

Her lips pursed together. "When I saw one of them..." She looked up at the sky and narrowed her eyes. "I felt awe. It stopped me in my tracks, made my breath catch. I wasn't afraid but I was...humble."

That Quistis had seen one of the wolves disturbed Seifer. He'd never considered them flesh and blood creatures before. They were a presence. And that they chose to betray their existence to Quistis only served to pollute the good memories he had. He knew that if he couldn't overcome the monster, he would have to leave Balamb. He couldn't let the one place which provided him a sense of refuge fall into misery. He needed the memory of Balamb to survive.

"We'll find your wolves," Quistis promised. "They might not be the monster...but if they're connected to it in any way, we'll find them. And once we get this thing figured out, you can start on your way back. Garden will help you, and people will accept you. You'll see. There were lots of people on the wrong side of the war."

"Any ideas where we're going to start?" he asked.

"The woods," she replied. "That's where I saw them. We probably won't be able to sneak up on them, but there should be some trace of them there. We can set a trap for them."

"I won't have to go near them?" Seifer asked.

"No."

He couldn't take it if Quistis saw him change.

"Finish your lunch," she directed him. "We'll head out to the woods and see if we can find a good spot to set the traps. We should be able to get them up before nightfall."

Seifer felt dizzy as he finished eating. He felt like he was dreaming.

His elation allowed him to pass into the woods without trepidation, knowing that each step was taking him closer to the end. He had purpose now.

They found the first evidence of the wolves on the edge of the tree line facing the beach. Large tufts of tawny and black hair were caught in the undergrowth there. Seifer, who was a better woodsman than Quistis, was the one who spotted the settled grass where they had lain together in the night. The spot wasn't well used yet, there were no traces of game or spoor, but the wolves hadn't been in Balamb long.

"This is pretty close to where I saw the one," Quistis said, pointing off into the distance. "I think this is a good spot to put our first trap."

Seifer nodded and looked around, peering in between the trees and wondering if they were there. They were never far. He didn't doubt that somewhere just out of sight they were waiting.

Quistis picked up a bit of the fur and turned it over in her hand. "They must be hot," she mused, "with such thick fur here."

Her observation was banal but spot on, sparking an idea in Seifer's head. "That will be the bait then," he said. "Cold water. They can't drink from the sea so they'd have to go into town for fresh water."

"Good idea," Quistis smiled. She patted him on the back encouragingly. "They won't be able to resist it."

Seifer watched her pace the area, outlining the plan to him and waving her hands expressively. When she confidently turned around to look at him, he felt a great swell of hope and relief. The beast retreated from it, recoiling into his shadowy unconscious. Seifer felt it go, leaving him alone and his mind quiet.

Their first victory.

He smiled back at her, feeding off her confidence and pushing aside all sense of foreboding of imminent conflict and confrontation.

Buried in Seifer's primal core, the beast lingered and waited.