Disclaimer: I don't own anything that looks familiar. The characters belong to J.K. Rowling and the song, 'Welcome to my Life' belongs to Simple Plan and all the companies affiliated with them. The only thing I claim is the little tiny plot bunny that popped into my head…in fact, I adopted him and named him Steve.
Welcome to my Life
"He sat there for a long time, gazing out at the water, trying not to think about his godfather or to remember that it was directly across from here, on the opposite bank, that Sirius had collapsed trying to fend off a hundred dementors….
The sun had fallen before he realized that he was cold. He got up and returned to the castle, wiping his face on his sleeve as he went."
-Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix, Page 856 –
American Version
Harry walked across the Hogwarts grounds, ignoring other students' calls and avoiding their gazes. They were all trying to get his attention, to ask him questions about what had really happened at the Ministry. He wished they'd all just disappear.
He walked slowly around a part of the lake before settling himself behind some shrubs so as to be invisible to any passersby. Harry brought his knees up to his chest and wrapped his arms tightly around his legs. He looked out over the glassy surface of the lake and let out a deep, shuddering sigh; he could feel the tears gathering in his eyes.
Do you ever feel like breaking down?
Do you ever feel out of place?
Like, somehow, you just don't belong
And no one understands you?
Do you ever wanna run away?
Do you lock yourself in your room?
With the radio on, turned up so loud
That no one hears you screamin'?
He stared directly across the water to the spot on the opposite bank where Sirius and he had almost been kissed by dementors. He remembered how he had, along with Hermione, rescued his godfather from the Ministry's clutches. He recalled the trip to Hogsmeade last year when they had walked all the way to the end of the village to see Sirius in his secluded cave…how he told them that he had had to eat rats because he couldn't get proper meals.
They empty void in the pit of Harry's stomach grew suddenly larger as the tears began to roll down his cheeks. Sirius had risked everything – his own comfort, safety and freedom for him, Harry. The void now started to fill with guilt. It was ultimately his fault that his godfather was gone…would he ever be able to feel happy again?
No, you don't know what its like,
When nothing feels all right,
You don't know what it's like
To be like me
To be hurt, to feel lost,
To be left out in the dark,
To be kicked when you're down,
To feel like you've been pushed around
But somewhere out of the guilt rose a sliver of self-pity. Why did everything always happen to him? Why did he have to lose the people closest to him…why did he have to be the one to destroy Voldemort?
Harry's mind wandered to the prophecy and everything that Dumbledore had told him. It was kill or be killed. There wasn't any other option. He, Harry, would have to murder someone if the wizarding world was to be saved. And yet, though Harry was slightly angry, he couldn't seem to muster any strong sense of fear. He looked around him at the world that was so calm and peaceful and listened to the care-free laughter of students.
Slowly, all of his mixed emotions faded back into the now-familiar empty void. Without the other thoughts to distract him, the giant wall of depression hit Harry all over again. The tears that had momentarily stopped at the thought of the prophecy began to flow once again from his emerald eyes…he needed Sirius.
To be on the edge of breaking down
And no one's there to save you
No, you don't know what its like;
Welcome to my life
Do you wanna be somebody else?
Are you sick of feeling so left out?
Are you desperate to find something more
Before your life is over?
Are you stuck inside a world you hate?
Are you sick of everyone around
With their big, fake smiles and stupid lies
While deep inside you're bleeding?
He needed Sirius so bad; at least he spoke his mind and knew how to make Harry feel better. Everyone around him would either try not to mention Sirius and look at Harry cautiously when he was brought up or try to get him to talk about it and attempt to comfort him.
Harry was getting frustrated with everyone and everything. When he was with his friends, he wanted them all to just go away but when he was alone he wanted someone there next to him. He couldn't take it anymore…'why'd you have to go, Sirius?'
No, you don't know what its like,
When nothing feels all right,
You don't know what its like
To be like me
To be hurt, to feel lost,
To be left out in the dark,
To be kicked when you're down,
To feel like you've been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
And no one's there to save you
No, you don't know what its like;
Welcome to my life
Harry sighed shakily and raised a hand to wipe the tears from his face, only to be replaced be new ones. He tried again before the tears fell even harder and a sob escaped his burning throat.
No one ever lied straight to your face,
And no one ever stabbed you in the back,
You might think I'm happy
But I'm not gonna be okay
Everybody always gave you what you wanted;
You never had to work, it was always there
You don't know what it's like, what it's like…
To be hurt, to feel lost,
To be left out in the dark,
To be kicked when you're down,
To feel like you've been pushed around
Every memory of Sirius that Harry possessed flooded into his mind's eye. They flashed by so fast…Harry hugged himself tighter.
To be on the edge of breaking down,
And no one's there to save you
No you don't know what it's like…
To be hurt, to feel lost,
To be left out in the dark,
To be kicked when you're down
To feel like you've been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
And no one's there to save you
No you don't know what its like;
Welcome to my life
Slowly, all the tears leaked out of him, leaving nothing but clear tracks down the sides of Harry's face. He let go of his knees and unfolded his legs, looking up at the sunny sky. He didn't know how the world could go on around him…it was like nothing had even happened. Harry longed to feel that kind of bliss, that kind of freedom. But Harry doubted he would ever have that.
Harry suddenly noticed he was cold and decided to head back up to the castle. He stood up on shaky legs and dusted himself off. He wiped the remains of the tears off of his face as he walked back around the lake, thinking about the upcoming summer at the Dursleys and how much harder it would be….
Welcome to my life…
Welcome to my life.
A/N: Sorry, this was just something I had to write to get it out of my system. I don't think it turned out like I wanted it to sound but, c'est la vie!