Memoir - 6

"I...already know your name. You are Dynast Grausherra."

The mazoku smiled, leaning towards Firia until their noses almost touched. "Very good, Firia. But you may call me Grausherra."

Firia drew her breath in sharply as his hair slid over her chest, black and smooth, cold and soft, and very, very familiar with her. His lips barely brushed her ear as he whispered those five words:

"Why are you so afraid?"

Just as every time before, despite all of her terror and any wishes to the contrary, something compelled Firia to answer. It was beyond anything she could possibly deny.

"Because I was right all along." Firia breathed the words up, tiny bubbles emerging from the sea of her soul.

Skin twitched, almost stroked against her ear. He was smiling. "Tell me what you were right about."

And with that, the bubbles surged upwards in a great rush, colliding and dancing and glittering and merging. Little bits of her soul, growing abundant as the Dynast's command invited her to breathe in the sea of his soul. But wasn't it the sea of her soul? But she was drowning...drowning inside of him...

She was speaking...

"When we arrived here, I was right in thinking that Milgasia did not seem to know his way as well as he should have. I was right in thinking the same for me. I was right when I feared the Hierephists' cell could be impossible to enter. When Milgasia tried to open the way for us despite such suspicions, I was right in thinking that he would fail. I was right in thinking that he would hurt himself. I was right in thinking that if I stayed with his body, I would be caught along with him. But I don't know if I was right when I thought that it would be impossible to escape anyway, as the alarms sounded and the air grew hot. I was right when I told myself that he was safer with me than alone. When the energy crackled around us, I was right to be afraid.

"When they interrogated me, sitting in that birdcage of a cell, I was right in thinking that I might as well be alone. I was right about his condition, he did not wake up. I was right when I told myself that no matter how many times I refused to answer, the interrogators would still ask. But I was also right in coming to the conclusion that they wouldn't hurt me. Because they were right in deducing that I wouldn't answer even if they did.

"I was wrong in thinking it couldn't get any worse."

Silk slid against her cheek now. No, not his lips. His fingers, his hand. His silk gloves. "Tell me more, Firia."

"I-I was wrong when I thought she would take the child if I didn't give myself to her. But I was right...I was right in being afraid of her. But speaking with her taught me that I was wrong in thinking, at the beginning of this journey, that the other races of dragons would be easy to understand. I was wrong in thinking that any of this would be easy to understand. I was so, so wrong..."

"Tell me what you were right about." The hand, the silk, slid down. It rested against her jawline, beckoning to her mouth.

"When you walked into the room, I knew that you were Grausherra."

Another twitch of silk against her ear. Another smile.

"I was wrong to be afraid before then. I shouldn't have worried over silly things. I shouldn't have cared. I shouldn't...I can't..." The water rushed around her ears, bubbles rushing against her face so fast and hard that they should bruise her. Drowning. He was drowning her. "When you entered, for the first time in my life I was right. Because I was afraid."

Silence filled her ears, the water gone. Her body was dry, the rushing of bubbles around her face only a memory. She wasn't drowning anymore.

The touch of silk had vanished, but so had Grausherra.

Safe but so very not safe.

"Thank you, Firia. That was wonderful." His voice poured into her ears. He was behind her, the clinking of glass and slosh of liquid hinting at his unseen motions. "You are a beauty to behold, a pleasure to listen to," He glided to her side, a great shadow in the corner of her eye. "And when asked a question, you answer me." A star glittered from the dark nightshape. He held a wineglass, light glinting off of the base. In it swam a liquid of such a vibrant amber that it seemed to glow. He rested the rim against her lips.

"I'm sure this ordeal has been tiring for you, and it would shame me to be inhospitable to a guest. And it is my pleasure to serve you, Firia."

There was no hint of a question in his tone, and it was not an order. Grausherra simply had not given consideration to any possibility of Firia refusing the drink. In his mind, that option did not exist. So for Firia, it did not exist either.

At least, this was the conclusion she preferred to come to, instead of thinking about what would happen if she actually said no to him.

Warren was silent as he led Xelloss up to his room. And as much as the human might think so, it wasn't because he was angry at Xelloss. No, that wasn't it at all. Warren was very angry -- at Dolphin.

As cruel as she always has been, as ignorant, stubborn...as determined as she always has been to completely disregard the emotions and feelings of others...as much as she's outright tried to hurt me from the moment she ever laid those cold, black glass eyes on me...I actually can't believe she's making me tell him.

Warren lit a cigarette as he walked into his room.

I hate her so much. I hate her so fucking much!

Xelloss followed Warren in, stepping lightly and making absolutely sure not to touch anything. It was less like walking on eggshells and more like walking on actual eggs. He didn't want Warren to crack again. That could only result in something bad.

Warren took a drag off of his cigarette and then shook his head, exhaling smoke. "Sit down. Sit on the bed. And stop looking so damn skittish. You're making me nervous." He put the cigarette in his mouth, freeing up both hands and enabling him to smoke even faster. He made a very brief gesture with all ten fingers, then tapped twice on the surface of a table near the bed. There was a flash, and then a circle a little under a foot in diameter glowed from the tabletop.

Xelloss blinked. A variant on "...a summoning spell?"

Warren nodded absently, focusing most of his attention on his cigarette and his thoughts. "Just wait a little. You won't faint before it comes, I promise." His voice was a little warmer with that last part. Let him eat before I tell him. He needs to eat anyways. I hope he isn't getting a headache already. Dolphin kept him out too damn long. Probably telling him all sorts of things just to see how upset she could make him. "Hey, what did the old hag tell you?"

Xelloss looked away. His fingers began to twitch a bit. He curled them into fists to keep them still. "Just...about Devil's Nest. About it and the Dynast. How it was all really the Dynast's fault. How I was just bait for him to capture Zelas with. Just...that."

Warren opened his mouth, but no sound came out.

Xelloss' voice was low, and it seemed far away. "Just...stuff you knew already, I'm sure."

The mazoku's mouth opened and closed twice before he finally got the words out. "You didn't know?"

"I guess not." Xelloss closed his eyes and shook his head, half-smiling. "It's so stupid to have to say that. 'I guess I didn't know.' 'I guess it must have happened.' There's not much of the past that's for me to know. There are so many things that I think I know, that I'm pretty certain of. But I don't know what support there is for any of my hunches. I thought all this time that it was the dragons that had done all this. That they had called me in for a final reward for all my crimes. I guess, because I have no memory of Devil's Nest, that anything is possible. I can't know why I'm so certain it was the dragons...why even though I know it must be true, that it's so hard to believe that after all this time, it was really the Dynast..."

Warren puffed at his cigarette, his voice flat. "It was hard for anyone to believe when it happenned. It's not so surprising that it would be a shock to you, I guess." But he was there. Sure his memory is gone, but still...he would be the first to find it a familiar idea!

"It's not just a shock." Xelloss leaned over, his head in his hands. His fingers dug into dark purple hair. "It goes against...I was just convinced..." He took a deep breath. "There were a lot of things I just knew, Warren. Things about old friends, things about the world...my few certainties. And now some of those certainties are gone, and - and why was I so certain to begin with?" The rise in pitch of his voice was muffled slightly by his position, but it still caught Warren's attention.

"What were you so certain about?" He glanced to the side, at the summoning circle. Damnit, the food was so slow! He wondered if he should cut this conversation short until Xelloss had some food.

...But Warren wanted to know what reality Xelloss had thought he was living in all this time.

"See, there's just things...I know so much about magic still. I can recite curses so long they encompass volumes of books. There's the diagrams I've drawn, just drawn to prove I still could do it, there's ways to channel energy that I can almost still feel. I still know the exact spot on which energy first coalesces into your palm when you cast Blast Bomb. I know all that and I can't use it. I can't even cast the simplest light spell. It's all useless, but at least it proves that I was once what my mind says I was. I can remember Lina, almost every experience I've had with Lina and her friends. I remember Seyruun's soft-serve ice cream. I remember meeting Milgasia with Lina and smiling at how afraid he was of me, but I can't remember the events in the Kouma War that made him so terrified of me in the first place. I don't remember a single Mazoku Lord, not their faces, not their voices. Just their names and some trivia about them that any second-rate Mage Guild apprentice could recite. I didn't remember...didn't remember one thing about Zelas, except..."

"I..."

"I thought she wanted to kill me for turning traitor. I remember -- no, I don't remember, just know -- I know I said something, I know when they tortured me I told them things, and I knew, I knew, that when Zelas found me she'd kill me for giving up her secrets, and -- and -- I --"

Xelloss hunched over, fingers clawing into his scalp. "Why was I so sure of something like that, something I had no way of knowing? Why was I so sure when I was so wrong!"

Warren had no idea what to say to Xelloss. He knew how to comfort his Xelloss, but this one, he...he didn't want to, couldn't stand to treat them alike. He didn't want to touch this Xelloss. He almost wanted to hit him for thinking those things about Zelas. Thankfully, the food saved him from having to make a decision. Xelloss' plate popped up right at that moment.

Xelloss looked up as he heard something slide towards him. Warren had moved the small table nearer to him. The plate that had appeared was stacked high with meat and vegetables steaming over a bed of rice.

"We...Xelloss and I, we had a restaurant in Atlas City that we rather favored, so we eventually just made a direct portal to its kitchen from here for when being around its patrons was annoying." Warren didn't look at Xelloss while he spoke. He seemed to want to look at anything else right now. "You'll want something to drink with that." He summoned a glass of water and set it on the table.

Xelloss let the silence stretch out longer as he ate. It was safe, almost like a blanket around the whole room, keeping everything peaceful. So far he got the feeling that Warren liked him better when he wasn't talking, anyways.

Warren waited for quite a bit of time to pass before he started speaking again. He wanted to give the food some time to soak into Xelloss, however that worked. Human biology was arcane and sometimes frightening. He'd learned that lesson well enough when he taught himself how to smoke.

But it looked like the food was sinking in now.

So it was time to tell him.

...Damnit. Warren found himself needing another cigarette. His fingers went through the twists and turns of making one. I don't want to tell him. Not now. Not yet. It isn't fair. Dolphin has no idea how it'll affect him. It'll drive him crazy. He'll want to go out and rescue her, on his own if he has to. He'll fight anyone who tries to stop him. And if he does try to get her back...

He'll die trying.

So it's useless to tell him about something that he can't change, something that will only make things worse for him now.

Fuck it. Dolphin can pass on her own cryptic messages. I know that he's not ready for it. I know what's best for Xelloss.

"Xelloss." Warren's voice cut through the blanket of silence.

The human looked up from his meal with a little concern. Warren was talking again. This could be bad. "Yes?"

"I'm going to look after you while you're here. I know I'm not very trustworthy, and I probably wouldn't trust me anyways. But I'm going to be the one on this island who you can depend on. I...I don't feel right about a lot of things about you. You're just going to have to deal with that. I'm going to have to deal with that. I just don't want...I just...no matter what, Xelloss..." Warren rested his forehead against his palm, fingers digging into his bangs. "Look, you can't trust Dolphin! I know I'm no good, and I deserve what happens to me, but you're not...you...you didn't do anything to deserve that bitch's lies, and she can't use you like she does everyone else!"

Xelloss just stared at him, apparently too shocked to speak. Warren sighed, tossing his hair away from his eyes, somehow lighting the cigarette in the same motion. He took a quick puff off of it, then looked over to Xelloss.

"I know, I know. You think I hate you." Warren pulled a chair up by the bed and sat across from Xelloss. The distance between them was wide enough to make them both feel safe from each other, but narrow enough to lend Warren's words a little bit of familiarity. "That's kind of true. Every time I look at you, I think of what I lost. But...Xelloss was like a brother to me. And you do look like him. And arguably you are him. Though I'm angry just being around you and listening to you."

Xelloss raised an eyebrow. "Just to clarify: You are trying to engender trust, right?"

Warren rolled his eyes and took another drag from the cigarette. "Yes. I suppose that was my intent."

"...just checking."

The mazoku sighed. "It's tiring being around you. You're a brat and a bother. But just because of all that, I'm not going to let Dolphin hook her claws into you."

His eyes met with Xelloss' at that statement. Xelloss realized, as he felt himself break into a sweat, that Warren was dead serious. "What does she want with me? For eight years I've known nothing and done nothing worth noting. I'm just human. I'm a brat and a bother, as you so kindly put it."

Warren paused for a moment, trying to decide how best to say it all. Damn it all. There was such a lot of it to tell. "For you to understand that, you have to understand Dolphin. It's hard to impart just how...how...that..bat...is." He sighed, ruffling his bangs again. "Here. Let me just tell you what started all of this." He paused for another hit of his cigarette, then realized that all he had left was a very short stump and a coal. He flicked them out of existence, grumbling as he rolled up another. There. Light...and drag.

Xelloss didn't have such convenient, unhealthy distractions. He took a long gulp of water from his glass just to have something to focus on. But the feel of water rushing into him, the wave of cold, helped a little to clear his mind. This day was too long. He was losing track of the revelations, something new always jumping in front of whatever else he'd just learned, demanding his attention. It reminded Xelloss of his occasional thoughts on having several Valterias instead of just one. It was like there was a herd of small children in his brain keeping track of all of this. No wonder he felt so scrambled. And now...more. Warren had more shock for him, more knowledge to accumulate, and Xelloss was still dealing with the first problem of the day - trusting Warren himself.

And he couldn't even decide whether or not to trust Warren right now, because the mazoku was talking to him.

"Dolphin's been different from the very start. Of course, each Mazoku Lord has their own philosophy on how to best serve the Dark Mother. That's going to happen regardless. Some are more bent on destruction, others less invasive. Zelas...herself...had a very subtle way of influencing the world, and an outlook that I regarded as...well...too kind, I guess." Warren's face went a little grey anytime he spoke of Zelas, but there was a curious hue to it, almost as if he were blushing a little at the same time. Maybe with anger that he didn't want to have for her. Maybe... "Zelas agreed that the dragons were dangerous, as any hostile force is dangerous. But she had no real zeal in their destruction. She felt that the Great One intended there to be balance on this world, and that balance was in the war between our two kinds. She felt that the destruction of one force or the other would topple the world, but the dropping of conflict would do so as well. She believed in a certain force between the dragons and us, a binding force. She was never angry that I hated them so much. She said it was the right thing for my kind." That hatred burned behind those cool irises now. Xelloss could feel the heat of it. "That was Zelas's belief. Do you understand it?"

Xelloss was surprised to find that he did, that an understanding of this concept came readily to him, almost as if from that magical encyclopedia buried in his mind. "The hatred between the two races, then, is one link in the chain that holds this world together. It is a constant thing that must not be broken." Yes...it was not an alien concept to him. He'd experienced such things with Firia. It had only truly died when his mazoku half expired. He realized that Warren was looking at him strangely. As if he'd seen a ghost.

Warren told himself, over and over, that he did not hear a ghost speak. But it was exactly as his own Xelloss had once explained it to him. "Good. You understand, then." But you can't. You can't understand that and still love her. "That is the way Zelas understood it as well. She would not attempt to destroy the dragons entirely, but would not hesitate to attack them with all her forces if there was an imbalance. She was a caretaker of an eternal war."

Xelloss tried to imagine the demeanor of someone who could maintain a hostile balance between two forces for so long. But, he had already been certain of Zelas's intelligence. ...Was that it? Was I sure that she would attack me for upsetting her balance through the secrets I gave up in Devil's Nest? Is that why I was so afraid?

"But Dolphin" -- Warren's voice cut right through Xelloss' careful introspection -- "disagreed. While she was not the only one to do so, all other Lords still agreed upon our hatred of the Dragon Race. She, however, believed that the balance was to be restored by preserving them. By putting aside our hate and allying ourselves with their kind." A tic developed under Warren's eye, twitching like crazy as he spoke of Dolphin's ambitions. "She tried to convince Zelas of this hundreds of times, pleading her case in every way imaginable. But Zelas stood with her beliefs. Pacifistic as they may sometimes be, they were well-grounded."

What confused Xelloss more than Dolphin's stance on dragons was Warren's dissagreement with Zelas's belief. He'd never heard of a mazoku servant opposing his master's view in that way. Though, to be fair, he wasn't exactly the most trustworthy authority on such things now.

Warren stood up now, beginning to pace a bit. Talking about her made him agitated, it always did. "Dolphin thought that the Dark Mother put both the Flare Dragon and Ruby Eye on this world, so she must like both equally...the conflict between the two simply puts things into turmoil, everything would be fine if they allied, blah blah blah." Warren's bored tone perfectly reflected his disdain. "She liked the damn things more than she liked her own kind, that's what I think, and..." he lowered his voice, "she's just as much a traitor to the Mazoku as the Dynast is!" He sighed, bringing up the cigarette to his lips. "She cares for the scaly things like they're her own."

Xelloss stared ahead. "...Is that possible?" It sounded silly to ask something like that, but... "I still...when I was still a mazoku. There was always a hatred...something I could ignore, or that would turn into another passion at...sometimes the wrong moments. But I couldn't stop...couldn't stop hating her. It was how I was created, as much as I can say that. How we were all created...like a biological fact. I can't see how she could eliminate it entirely, and why she would in the first place, as a mazoku that's...that's ridiculous!" Xelloss felt the words pouring out of his mouth before he could stop their flow. He knew that Warren wouldn't--

"BUT YOU--" Warren cut his words' volume but couldn't cut the heat of them. "But you were in the damn sheets with her, Xelloss!" He couldn't coil the anger back, no matter how much he--but he wasn't trying, he didn't want to hold back, Xelloss had this coming. "How can you say that after even--after...after you raised a goddamn dragon kid with her!" He didn't understand Dolphin? How could he say that? How could he say that?

Lavender eyes froze over, Xelloss' face going rigid, his shoulders setting in a way. Slightly hunched together. Defensive, but offensive, in a way. "You don't have to understand it, but you don't have to talk about it, either, when my son's sleeping two doors down. He's a light sleeper. And I don't like hearing that tone when you talk about him, considering how close you were to him, today." Eyes shifted over to Warren, and by gods the mazoku felt himself pinned. "I raised a family. It's not your business or your right to question that, or why I did, or when I hated my wife and why I chose to swallow that hatred down when it was still there." His eyes shifted away again. Warren welcomed their release of him. "Just tell me what you want to tell me. We can have our differences, Warren. But don't bring my family into this."

Warren felt a numbness had overtaken him. He just calmly stared ahead, down, grey eyes seeing nothing. He was leaning against the door now, cigarette perched tightly in his fingers. "Dolphin's got other ideas. Not just the dragons. It's our Mother. She sees Her actions in the events of the world...in recent events." The corner of his mouth twitched down into his cheek. "She thinks that when something is destroyed, it's a sign of warning from the Great One. So Lina Inverse has been Dolphin's barometer...she's deluded herself into thinking that the girl is a warning sent to the Mazoku from the Sea of Chaos. That's been her 'proof' of late. But see...now that the Dynast has Zelas in his clutches, there's no need for that. Dolphin's word is law here. She's our only leadership left, because ironically, Lina Inverse took care of any others there might be. Gaav was a traitor too...but at least he wasn't a full mazoku when that happened." He shuddered. "She's our only leader. We all have to listen to her. I've been the one...to relay it all to the others, to serve her directly, to attend her..." His shoulders shook again, the tremor reaching down to his feet. "She hates me so much..." The cigarette rose to his lips. Fingers clutched his face as he inhaled deeply enough to burn two inches off of the wick. "I want to get out of here so much..."

Xelloss realized that Warren's eyes were blank. The mazoku was lost, rambling at the end of things. And not likely to come back anytime soon, it seemed. Maybe...maybe Xelloss could just get to be before he came back to his senses. But no, Warren's body was blocking the door, and he'd probably notice Xelloss' attempts to move him. He sighed. Warren gave another shake.

...Had he gone on for eight years like this? Surely not. But if Dolphin had taken over Wolf Pack Island, that had to happen right after Zelas's departure. So...had she set Warren as the representative then? Gods, why? He didn't know which affected him more, the faulty decision or the thought of how it must have been for Warren those eight years, hating her, and her hating him. "...Why you?"

Warren gave a different sort of shake. It was like watching a startled scarecrow. Xelloss had a snippet of information peek up in his brain at that - how a mazoku's shell's physical condition often hinted that they were badly stressed, or astrally damaged. Well, 8 years of Dolphin probably did that easily enough. No wonder Warren looked a bit scrawny. But he was alert again, now. He looked over at Xelloss, a low, sidelong gaze. "Because I'm the only one that will. That can." There seemed to be no other explanations coming. Warren had essentially said, 'Because.'

Xelloss did concede that it was a valid answer. He didn't want to press. He still didn't think Warren was above breaking his arms. "So, she thinks Lina is a warning to the mazoku...a warning to stop any hostilities against the dragons." Xelloss, to be fair, weighed this in his head, thought it over as a valid theory. "...But Lina's chaotic, she hasn't just been attacking the Mazoku."

"Dolphin says she's a warning to the dragons as well." The mazoku spat this tidbit out like it had a bad taste in his mouth. Then again, his face did seem to get that cast anytime dragons were mentioned. As if he'd drunk something bitter on accident.

"Lina really...doesn't do that on purpose though. She's just out for gold. And killing bandits, and adventure, and food most of all. The only time she coordinates her efforts on a large foe is when she feels her world is threatened. She does that because she likes to go on living. She has a streak of hero...but it's not thick, not like many think. It's more love of living than love of justice. She believes in fairness...unless it means she's not on top." Xelloss sighed, smiling wistfully. "She's one of a kind. There is no side she has allegiance to. And if she heard that Dolphin thought Lina was some sort of...savior to both...well, she did pull us together, in the end. Firia and I. But she just did what needed to be done."

Warren bit down a remark on whether that last part needed to be done or not. "Are you arguing for or against Dolphin's ideas?" His eyebrow was raised, and his face looked weary...but there was a tickle of mirth buried somewhere in his tone.

Xelloss mulled it over. "I think that Lina is in a lot of places at the right time, but if she's being guided by a higher power, it isn't for what Dolphin's assumed. I...I've seen her in contact with the highest of power." Xelloss averted his eyes. There was something unreadable in his face. "I wouldn't be surprised if there's more to her than just mortal desires and depravity. However...if there is a higher purpose to her, it's as chaotic as what touched her."

"...When Fibrizo's plan killed her, you mean."

Xelloss looked up, eyes wide in surprise.

"Brother, you told me everything." Warren raised his hand swiftly, covered his mouth. His brows furrowed. Whatever expression his hand was hiding...a frown was definitely part of it. He stood, then took Xelloss gently by the arm, leading him out. "It's late. We'll talk more in the morning. Don't want to tax your frail physique." Xelloss was out before he could say a word, or see Warren drop his hand from his face. The door closed. Xelloss heard it lock against him.

Brother. Xelloss replayed Warren's words in his head, still not making sense of them, as he walked down the short hall and located the only unlocked room there. It must be where he was to stay here. Brother. He let himself in, wearier with each step. Yes, time for bed. Definitely time for bed.

Brother.