Summary: In order to prove that insanity really is catching, a peek into Duo's Diaries should do the trick. Watch as he breaks cold exteriors and frightens away mental soundness. And Relena. Definitely Relena.

Disclaimer: Gundam Wing does not belong to me.

AN: Oh I'm on a roll today. Ideas zoom towards me like flies towards an old, sweaty man. But then again, we don't tend to see flies hovering around old sweaty men.

Have you hugged your God of Death today?

Chapter two:…he's just possessed by a retarded ghost

1:56 pm

My bedroom window

Just watched Botolf the Porn Star stagger off into the distance with great difficulty. Wrinkly bumped into a lamppost here and there, but I give him points for managing to cross the road safely.

Lucky that the lollipop lady was there to shove him out of the way of yet another cement mixer.

1:57

Good old lollipop lady! That was a fabulous dive that she performed.

2:15

Sitting in kitchen, polishing off donuts. Quatre just got a phone call from the pink wet weed. She's demanding to know whether I caused the ultimate demise of her pink car.

'Wa Cao,' I sighed and watched in amusement as Wuffers spat out his drink. "Gimme the phone."

"Hello?" The witch spoke.

"Sha gua. Sui Mai. Fei Lei!" I said sharply.

"What?"

"Eh? Oh sorry Miss Relena. I was talking in Chinese. What's wrong?"

"Oh, I was wondering whether you knew what really happened to my car. My retired chauffeur told me that you had something to do with it."

"Miss Relena, I am very hurt that you believe that I'm the cause of this."

She didn't answer. Obviously she didn't care whether my heart had been shattered to bits by her unfeeling accusations.

"However," I said brightly. "I am pleased to inform you that you are completely correct in your suspicions! Well done!"

She hung up on me. Totally typical.

"Maxwell," Wufei said from the table, trying to feign casualness. "You do know what you just said, correct?"

"No," I said cheerfully. "Do enlighten me."

2:27

As well as Relena being a Chinese turnip cake, she is also a retarded melon, a pork and shrimp steam dumpling and a sexual molester. Wuffers might be trying to pull my leg, but counting on my Chinese skills, I don't think so.

3:02 – five minutes later

Phone rang. "Hello?"

"Mr. Maxwell, I'm am not a melon! Or a dumpling." She hung up.

3:03

I can't believe it. I can't believe that she got someone to translate it. Either that or she used the google language preferences.

I love Chinese. Even if it does sound slightly messed up when I'm trying to speak it.

6:14 - Early Evening

Trowa came back from the supermarket with a small smile on his face.

"You are aware," he told me as we put the groceries away. Trowa had once again bought a lot of greens and not nearly enough meat. Why must I be subject to his vegan habits?

Back to being aware. "You are aware that there are pictures of you in the supermarket toilets," he said, putting the broccoli in the fridge.

"Huh?"

"There are pictures. Of you. In the supermarket toilets." He paused. "And the Costa bathroom. And the hardware store. And the toy shop. In fact, pretty much everywhere has at least one picture of you."

What was he doing in the toy shop? "…Trowa, what were you doing in the toy shop?"

"There were pictures of you posted in the McDonalds as well."

Right, I'm off. I left the valley of boredom, walking on the warpath of doom. I had a very slight suspicion of who exactly would waste time tacking unflattering pictures of someone they dislike in public places. Ohhhh, I am ready to really really hurt Relena now. She probably paid people to do it for her. She's a lazy ass with a wide forehead.

6:16

And rather masculine eyebrows. You must admit that her eyebrows look like a furry blonde caterpillar that's been superglued there by mistake.

6:35

I've had a look at the pictures. She's posted piccies or your's truly around with boring, but still truly unflattering comments underneath. From 'I wonder if Duo Maxwell still likes nature, despite what it's done to him' to 'Duo Maxwell's not stupid, he's just possessed by a retarded ghost.'

How lame. How very lame. And dull too. She doesn't have an ounce of creativity. Not a single ounce. If creativity was dynamite, she wouldn't have enough to blow sand out of her furry caterpillar.

Ha ha.

6:37

Har di har di har.

6:39

Shit! I've just realized that Heero's not gonna be happy about this. This is the sort of thing that can get me killed! And us tracked down.

I shall have us relocated and Relena assassinated as soon as possible.

6:42

I'll have to leave her a farewell present then, won't I?

6:45

Why won't these people stop staring at me? Oh, the pictures. Right. I ripped down one which declared, 'Duo Maxwell sucks in bed.'

6:47

I am disgusted by the prospect of her knowing whether I suck in bed or not. Thank you very much. How does she know? I have about as much sexual experiance as Botolf Phukzalot, the Porn Star.

7:20

"Guys, sorry I'm late! I had some business to attend to." I shut the front door behind me. A lovely, wholesome, veggie meal was laid out on the table.

As I sank into a seat, Quatre said, "So, what happened in town?"

"Oh nothing really. Relena idiotically posted a few comments about me, along with a picture and a name so that's most probably going to get me fucked by OZ."

Everyone had stopped eating. "Shit," Wuffers breathed.

"Exactly," I agreed. "We'll have to move house soon then, which totally bites. But on the brighter side, we have at least another month escape from Relena before she tracks us down again."

"We won't have to worry about that," Heero said rather darkly. "I'll just kill her and have it over and done with."

As much as I'd like to rid the world of her existence, I panicked slightly as Heero did sound as if he was truly going to do so. There was a funny little glint in his eye and his fist tightened. Ah Heero. He carressss for me in a lurvly way.

"No need no need," I said, doing the retarded bird flap with my hand again. "She's already got the message."

The others doubted my sanity and ability to think rationally so Quatre felt prompted to ask, "How?"

I leered rather scarily. "It'll be on the news."

8:00

The lady on the news was standing outside the Peacecraft mansion or whatever it's called. There was a huge crowd of people standing by the gates, pointing at something in the front lawn which we couldn't see. "I stand here at the site of a notorious prank played on Miss Relena Peacecraft, a figure well known for her pacifist views."

The camera panned in on the blonde bimbo speaking tearfully to some policemen. "Earlier on this evening, an anonymous person posted a large box addressed to Miss Relena. Inside the box was a large, lifelike model of a decapitated sheep head…wearing a party hat and a party hooter lodged inside its jaws. The box also contained several party plates and cutlery which left Miss Relena rather traumatised.

"Along with the head, the prankster also stuck about seven hundred plastic forks into the grass of the front lawn." The camera revealed rows upon rows of forks lined up, stuck in the grass like soldiers. It looked like that army out of starwars.

"The purpose of this is unknown. But the anonymous sender will have to watch out as police will no doubt soon have an idea of who is behind this."

8:03

Oh just you try, PC Plods. I covered up my tracks darn well, but I know that Relena will attempt to rat me out. Too bad for her that we're leaving soon.

8:14

I found myself explaining to the guys how I managed to get a model of a sheep head complete with warm, smelly, fake blood. "Mr. Chu is a great guy," was my explanation. "And I told you guys it was dangerous to get me bored."

"Maxwell, you are evil," Wufei said, looking slightly disgusted. "But the onna deserved it."

Everyone agreed.

I hope Relena has fun pulling the forks out.

8:17

I hope Trowa won't hate me for imitating the corpse of one of his animal friends.

8:34

She called. "Maxwell, is this your idea of a sick joke?" she shrieked down the phone.

"Yes," I replied, wondering where this was leading.

She hung up. What was the point in that?

8:36

I wonder when she'll find out that I planted marijuana in her backyard as well.

8:37

In the shape of a twelve foot smiley face.

8:39

I also hope that she tries to burn the sheep head.

I filled it with insect attractants. Once the buggies get a whiff, nothing will stand in the way of them and that head. Hornets especially love that stuff.

I predict that she'll be hospitalized by the end of it.

8:45

Oh well. Packy packy packy! We're leaving tomorrow so she can't call me to complain about the hornet problem. Ahahahahahahahaaaa! I am leaving the valley of boredom! At last! I must pack.

AN Maybe it wasn't sheep in the same sense as you were thinking. I was planning for it to be a real sheep, but was totally disgusted as I wrote it so it became Wally the Wax sheep.

Thank to my reviewers: Serenity Maxwell, WingScythe (I shall continue!), Yanagi (Er...I don't know actually. Think of it more as a Brainlog which updates almosts every five minutes.) and Chocolateriku. You guys most definitely rock.

Next Chapter:...What if he has RABIES?