Summary: In order to prove that insanity really is catching, a peek into Duo's Diaries should do the trick. Watch as he breaks cold exteriors and frightens away mental soundness. And Relena. Definitely Relena.

Disclaimer: Gundam Wing does not belong to me.

AN: Thank God for anime music videos. They keep me eternally amused. Um…answers to questions.

But why does Duo say that they bonded over the hate of hospital food, but them he kinda glares at Duo when Relena comes in?

I guess it wasn't too clear. Duo was going to leave the hospital in a day, leaving Botolf (or Botlof or Boltof. I swear, his name changes every time.) alone with her. He would be annoyed, not at Duo personally but annoyed nonetheless. So the wrinkly glare comes into place. –shrug- I glare at my friends when they leave me alone to face an unappealing member of staff at school. Or that little girl who stalks me. –shudder-

P.S - i've never actually had to stay in a hospital, but is the food really that bad?

It's probably not that bad. My mom told it me it wasn't that exciting. But you know how people over exaggerate about school food, airplane food, etc etc. It was just a cliché. Plus, Duo's probably been used to eating Quat's food for a while and hospital food compared to that is quite…eugh. But then again, Duo was a street rat when he was younger and he would probably know the value of food so he shouldn't have thrown it away if he was in character…

Ack, it's not that big a deal. Now I'm confused and will be cross-referencing everything I write. Maybe you were too young to know the difference. Ice cream is ice cream.

Onwards!

Have you hugged your God of Death today?

Chapter five:...what the hell is this drabble?

9:00pm
In hospital stuck with the armpit-licking pink weed.

Karma. That has to be it. The Buddha is punishing me because I pushed her car down the hill and because I filled that sheep head with insect attractant. So now she's inside the same hospital dorm with me. WHY?

Oh well, if the world didn't suck, we'd fall off. Same kind of applies with the colonies. And vacuum cleaners.

9:02

Why is the Buddha only taking notice of me now? Plus, I did all that stuff for a good cause. Relena was harassing Heero and the only good way to get here out was to trash her car. And shouldn't Karma bite her ass as well as mine seeing as she put us Gundam Pilots in a compromising position with her idiocy?

Looking at her swollen face, I decided that Karma is my friend after all.

9:13

Then why didn't it kick in when Wufei hospitalized me by breaking my leg in two places because I had replaced his shampoo with volume mousse or some other girly crap?

If Karma really existed, then shouldn't he be stuck as Treize's sex slave for a day?

9:14

Actually, knowing him, he might actually enjoy that.

9:15

Ahahahaha. His head looked like a shiny triangle. Note to self: must do that again sometime. I'll buy some mousse once I get out of here.

9:30

Hey! Miss Relena seems to have fallen asleep. Oh joys of the world! Do they have a permanent marker in here?

9:31

NO! Must. Not. Prank. Karma karma karma. Ohhhmmmmm.

9:32

"Duo." Botolf looked at me with a sly grin. "There's whipped cream inside your food parcel."

Temptations temptations. Will not listen to the devil.

I gritted my teeth. I will not do it. Otherwise the Buddha will hate me.

9:34

Maybe my dreams are a sign from him. Maybe the fat man represents the Buddha and if I prank Miss Relena, he'll fart a great orange cloud of doom upon me.

What does the baseball mean then? And the toads and Trowa as king? No. It's too random. I refuse to believe that my dreams actually have even a sliver of meaning or truth in them. They are just scary figments of my imagination that putt around in my head while I'm asleep.

9:36

Sleep. Sleep is the only escape for me. Escape from Relena's horrifyingly mutilated head and from Botolf, whom I know shall force me into throwing her underwear into a freezer or out the window onto a telephone line.

I shall hold out. I am a good person.

9:38

I could tie her ankles together and yell, "FIRE!" really loudly in her ear.

9:40

SLEEP!

9:43

Zzzzzzzzzz.

9:45

Goddamn, this is not working. I can't help but glance over at her and then my mind does all the work for me. I have an odd longing to put her hand in warm water.

Oh gods, why am I so immature?

9:50

Aww, sweet (not). She fell asleep reading something. What's that in her hand?

10:02pm

Ehgads. 'The Complete Guide to Karma Sutra.' That's…interesting. A sex guide. Fabulous. Now I'm never going to get to sleep with that…interesting idea inside my mind.

9:20am
The next day

Eurgh, I feel like something just died in my mouth. Not a nice thing to wake up to. Relena has her check up with the doctors now, I think. And I have a feeling that a nurse or something is pushing Botolf around the garden in a wheelchair.

I'm all alone, lying on my bed of imaginary nails.

9:23

I'm all alone, lying on my bed of imaginary nails and flicking through Relena's sex guide.

9:38

Scary. Absolutely horrifying. And most of this seems physically impossible. Note to self: Never try this with a heavy partner.

If, to say, I ever get a chance to try it seeing as at this rate, I won't be alive long enough due to all the freakin' concussions I keep getting.

10:02

'The Cobra position

If, as you lean against the wall, your lady twines her thighs around yours, locks her feet to your knees, and clasps your neck, making love very passionately'

What the hell is this drabble?

'Erect from her hisses, it is eventually ready to act. Then, like a snake, the beauty turns around, slithers and coils up among the cushions.'

Relena enjoys reading this?

10:06

Hey look! They've got pictures!

10:08

I must not mention this to Miss Relena. Otherwise she will kill me. Then I'll be dead.

10:09

Then I'll never have the chance to try out the dog position, which sounds quite fun.

11:30

Relena came back, face as puffy as ever.

"Hey Miss Cobra," I said, a sly grin splitting my face. "You gonna slither on to your bed?"

I snickered and ducked as Relena tried to hit me with a chair. She missed. Just as pathetically as Botolf did actually.

12:12pm

Botolf rolled back in with a rather silly grin on his face. "Nurse Clara is a lovely woman," he sighed. He was about to say something else, but this Nurse Clara person came in and helped him back into bed.

She was very pretty. A heart shaped face, chocolate coloured curls. Yes, I could see it happening. Botolf and Nurse Clara…Aside for the fact that she was old enough to be his granddaughter.

"Don't worry, we'll have you fixed up in no time," she informed him, tucking the covers around him. She turned to us. "Everything okay here?"

We nodded and she smiled and left. Botolf waved at her retreating back rather bashfully and sighed again.

12:15

Okay, it's going to be tough, but I must break it to him gently that Clara is far to young for him. Subtleness is really not my forte. Um…gently, gently…

12:16

"Botolf, you cannot be serious about liking her. It's disturbing."

Aw, gee. Cheers Relena. Ever heard of tact? Does she actually like making people miserable?

12:17

"Don't listen to her Botolf," I said. "She's just jealous that you have a raging love life while she…doesn't."

"I heard that Mr. Maxwell."

"Good."

"At least I'm not bisexual."

"At least I have twice the chance of getting dates on a Saturday."

"Ha ha. You're not funny."

"Shut up Cobra-girl."

12:18

"Remember Botolf." I was the epitome of seriousness. "Age only matters to cheese."

He laughed. "Ah, no. I just enjoy her company. It would be nice to have youth again though." He looked very sad for a moment, so I thought it appropriate to fling some raisins at Relena.

"He-hey! Stop it!"

"We need comic relief."

Got her in the eye! 200 points. W00T!

12:30
Lunchtime

Oh gods above. Lunch. Ehgahd.

12:35

Out goes the hospital food, in comes the caffeine laden food package!

12:37

Speaking of food packages, aren't the guys gonna come visit at two o'clock today?

Relena Heero equals something not very good. (For both Heero and me.)

Ack! I must warn them!

12:38

I must do it discreetly as well.

12:45

Damn! I need money for the phones and I spent the last of it on raisins.

12:52

I guess making a sign wouldn't hurt.

1:07pm
Locked in bathroom with…devices.

Botolf started banging on the bathroom door. "Duo! I need the toilet. What are you doing in there?"

"I'm almost finished!" I let him in, armed with a permanent marker and a smirk.

"Is that…a bed sheet on the floor?" he asked.

"Yup."

"What's that you've written? All ye who enter, beware of Pink Wet Weed and… What do the Chinese symbols say?"

"Retarded melon."

"Ah."

"I'll just go and hang this out the window now."

"I'll help."

1:34

There! Relena was out of the room doing only god knows what and we managed to hang the sign outside our window. We did a pretty good job, if I may say so myself. Hopefully the guys will see it, be smart enough to realize what I'm talking about and go back home.

1:56

I place too much faith in them obviously. Heero phoned. "Duo, what hell is hanging out of your window?"

"Can't you read?"

"Wufei's too busy laughing to tell us. What does 'Wet Pink Weed' mean?"

"Heero, for someone so smart, you can be incredibly stupid sometimes."

"…" The bastard sounded indignant.

"Relena's here."

"What?"

"She's here. The fire breathing witch is here." I could see the guys in our car from where I was standing by the window. Trowa was driving with Heero in the front next to him. Wufei and Quatre had to be in the back.

"Why!"

"Um…she got stung by hornets."

"I'm guessing that you had something to do with it."

"Yep."

"You are an idiot."

"I know."

Suddenly I hear a squeal from next to me. Relena had suddenly appeared, her face pressed up right next to the glass. "Is that…Heero?" she said breathlessly.

"Yeah. If you run, you might be able to catch them." Reasons for ratting Heero out: One) he called me an idiot again. Two) Having this never lie thing can really suck. Three) I like watching her run. She runs with arms by her chest and her hands outwards as if getting a manicure. It's quite creepy actually.

And she was gone.

"Duo?" Heero was still on the phone, sounding quite nervous. "What was that about?"

"You guys better get moving," I said solemnly as I saw Relena burst out of the hospital doors and charge like a rhino towards the car. "She's there."

"Wha-Shit! Trowa, move, move, MOVE!" The car skidded around and zoomed away.

2:15

He's going to get me back so bad for that. I just know it.

2:16

Relena came back in with a star struck expression. "It's really too bad that they were late for something," she said. "Otherwise Heero could have talked to me."

"What were they late for?" I asked in an amused tone.

"I don't know. But seeing how fast they left must mean that they were really late."

It is quite sickening how stupid she is sometimes. Maybe she's just naïve, not stupid…

"Oh, can you hand me a tissue please?" she said suddenly. There weren't any tissues around so I gave her one of those Lemon Wipe things. The wet ones that smell nice.

2:17

She then rubbed her eye with it. My jaw dropped open as she started to scream with pain. Lemon wipes, as the name suggests, contains both lemons and ethanol, things that hurt when they come into eye contact.

Oh God, the stupidity is making my head hurt.

2:18

"Why," she gasped, rubbing her eye furiously. "Did you give me that one? I wanted to get rid of my eye makeup!"

"How the hell was I supposed to know that you were going to poke your eye out with it?"

"I asked for a tissue!"

"It was wet idiot. Why would I give you a wet tissue if it wasn't a Lemon Wipe?"

"Because you're bisexual."

"…" Why the hell does it keep leading back to this? Oh well, no matter. She now has an angry red eye that matches with her puffy face.

She stormed to her bed.

2:20

She looks a real sight. I think I'll sell her to Trowa's circus, and see what happens.

AN: Is it just me or are these chapters getting less and less humorous? -sigh-

IMPORTANT. If you don't read this, then you're a doofball. Got the attention? Good. I'm going to Mallorca and then to Cornwall so there will be no updates for two weeks. I'll update in the four days I have Internet and then there won't be updates for a further week.

Spread the love. Print the story out and stick it up in your local mall or something. Or put it in someone's mailbox. No don't actually, that could get me charged with some law.

Thanks to Tonks42, Brandi Karma, In the realm of insanity, Serenity Maxwell, Z3ldA Wh4t, chocolateriku, the sadistic homicidal child, Gigglegal (There are your lemon wipes. Hope they were used in the correct sense.), yanagi megumi (I hope I answered your questions well.), Nightshadesister (Hope your non-swear week is going well.), Tallia (No hospital bills can be forwarded to me. I take no responsibility for any injuries that occur while reading this story.) and PrincessWolfGoddess for REVIEWING.