Author's Notes: Ok, so this is my first ever Harry Potter fanfiction (not first fanfiction, just first HP fanfiction). So yeah, just to let you know. For now, it's just a One-Shot, BUT if I get a lot of good reviewers who want this to continue, then I will give it a try. So please let me know if you like it or not, and if you think Voldemort should definitely write more. :D Well now go ahead and read and I hope you enjoy!

Special thanks to my beta-reader/editor Serene Seer! Without her, I would have uploaded this comma-crazy story.

ANOTHER NOTE: For some reason, the strikethroughs aren't working, so I'm sending an email to to figure out why. So for now, the parts that are supposed to have strikethroughs are in ((double parentheses)) like that. Basically, it means Voldemort crossed it out. I'm a bit disappointed with the lack of strikethroughs right now because it ruins the effect, but this is what I shall have to deal with for now. Sorry! Please enjoy regardless.

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter or Voldemort or any of the other Death Eaters. It all belongs to J.K. Rowling. And Voldemort owns his diary.

Voldemort's Diary

August 8

Dear Diary,

This is the first time I am writing in this, as you may see. Therefore, I am going to write about a typical day in the life of me—Lord Voldemort. I am an incredibly busy man.

At 6 A.M. I wake up, but I do not get up till about 15 minutes later. Then, I go to the bathroom and shave my face ((and legs)). I may take a shower, but usually I take a shower about once a week. Showers are of little importance to powerful wizards such as I. Afterwards, I get dressed, of course. It would not do for powerful wizards to run amok in the nude. Such a disgrace, really. Then, I eat breakfast at around 7:00. Ordinarily, I eat waffles while watching the show Spongebob Squarepants at 7:30 (yes, I have a television. I cannot allow foolish Muggles to surpass me, and therefore must know all their secrets). Also, I feed my pet snake, Nagini. I do not like to brush my teeth, so they are rarely ever cleaned. The yellowness invokes fear in others. Do not even bother imagining Lord Voldemort brushing his sinister teeth. It is for the weak-toothed.

Later, I do my usual morning exercises, at 8 A.M. Indeed, a dark lord must stay in shape. This generally consists of jogging and throwing curses at insects, small animals, and random Barbie dolls that may cross my path. When I am bored, I shine my shield or I have intellectual conversations with Nagini (no, she does not speak back, but Lord Voldemort can accomplish anything). At 9, I plot the death of Harry Potter. This is always part of my regular routine, at precisely 9:00 A.M. Plot Harry Potter's demise. Yes. He is a boy who I attempted to kill when he was a mere infant. Unfortunately, he is not yet dead, but I am going to kill him. ((Secretly, I am jealous of his glasses and green eyes. That's why I killed his parents too. James—glasses. Lily—green eyes. Hmm… well this is not relevant, is it?))

At 10 o'clock, I have a meeting with my loyal Death Eaters. We speak of plans to kill Harry Potter, to kill Muggles, to kill friends of Harry Potter, to kill Mudbloods, to kill Harry Potter, to kill blood traitors, to kill the Minister of Magic, and finally, to kill Harry Potter. All while eating donuts. Yes, amazing, is it not? My Death Eaters are known for their multi-tasking. After the meeting, I eat lunch. My favorite is the peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Sometimes, I eat cat sandwiches, or when I want to lose some pounds, I would eat a salad. Again, powerful wizards need to stay in shape.

Then I have fun! At noon, I play pranks or I play Quidditch with Wormtail, Snape, Lucius and Draco Malfoy, and other Death Eaters. I also enjoy skateboarding, singing, and dancing. But at 1 P.M., I have household chores. Powerful wizards need to give the illusion of good work. However, it is rather tedious. I water the flowers and once a week, I mow the lawn. I even walk the neighbor's dog. Yet, dogs are meant to be eaten, not walked. I do not understand this walking-of-dogs-business, but to earn some cash…

Nevertheless, I have fun again! At 2 o'clock, I slit the throats of Muggles, and the Muggles in turn, die. ((Hooray! I mean—)) Yes, it is quite amusing. Usually, I kill at least two Muggles a day. Then, at 3, I invite some Death Eaters (ordinarily, Wormtail, Malfoy, and Snape) over for some tea and crumpets. I also like cake. They must bring the cake, of course. After they leave, I must clean up after them (they are rather messy individuals). Then, I like to do the laundry((, just for the hell of it)).

At 5 o'clock, I use this amazing thing called the Internet. How in the hell do these damn Muggles come up with these things! Excuse the language, Diary. So that is yet another point to add to my ever-growing list of "Reasons Why Muggles and Mudbloods Must Die". Ahem. Back to the Internet. I like to go on AIM to instant message snapeybot (much more entertaining then speaking to the real Snape), as well as maintaining my "I Hate Harry Potter" website. Then, after I have had my fun, I start making dinner and at 6, I eat. I like steak, roast dog, pizza, and Chinese food. ((Not that take-out crap.)) Afterwards, I must feed Nagini and then do the dishes. At 7, I take Nagini out to walk. On occasion, I kill a Muggle child or two.

Then, at 8 o'clock, I watch TV. I particularly like the shows "Law and Order" and "CSI". I generally laugh at all the ridiculous crimes and such. Later, at 9, I write new plans for killing Harry Potter and other people. While I am at it, I laugh about the people that I have killed who Potter cares about (Sirius Black and Albus Dumbledore, for example). And then, I conduct my nightly reading of the Harry Potter books (at around 10 o'clock) because I want to learn about this Potter figure. Plus, I love J.K. Rowling's writing. Magnificent. My favorite characters are Voldemort (such a dashing fellow, really; I would like very much to meet him someday…), Colin Creevey, Professor Binns, Remus Lupin, and Dobby. They are indeed bizarre individuals. I must have read each Harry Potter book at least 10 times.

Finally, at 11 o'clock, I prepare for bed. I wash my face, and maybe if they are beginning to turn green, I brush my teeth. Next, I proceed to put on my pajamas, and in turn, go to bed. And that, Diary, is a typical day for Lord Voldemort! Bravo! Tomorrow, I shall write of my secret crush.  Until then!

With all my love,

Voldemort ♥

A/N: So yes, that is that. If you'd like me to continue on with this idea, by all means, let me know in a review. If not, or if you don't really care either way, just say so. I shall just go with the flow of things. But please do review if you can. I would very much appreciate any comments or constructive criticism. Thank you very much for reading!

By the way, in case you don't know, you can indeed talk to snapeybot on AIM (it's just a bot of course, but still amusing nonetheless). The screen name is snapeybot 1 (yes, there is a space between the letters and the 1). Just if you're interested. :D Ta-ta!