Part 34
Alexis and Zander went to the Arbitrator's office.
Sean and Bernard Bach were already there, in the waiting room.
"How're things, Smith?" Sean said.
"Just fine. How're things with you, shyster?"
Sean laughed. "Oh, I've been chasing ambulances since the day I got my New York Bar Card."
"I'm sure you are," Zander said, feeling a little relieved, as he'd begun entertaining a fear that he might end up socking Sean in that mouth at the arbitration.
The arbitrator called them into a conference room.
"I'm Ted Goldenburg," he said. "I'm a lawyer, doing mostly criminal defense. Now the court frequently appoints me to be an arbitrator in cases like this. You've been picked for arbitration, because the court determined that you may be able to work something out without legal intervention. I'll let your lawyers talk. Ms. Davis can go first, because her client is the defendant. Please try to get into the spirit of this Ms. Davis. I know your natural skills will tend to get you to want to advocate your client's side. It goes against the grain to try to see the other side."
"I understand," Alexis said. "I'll try, and you can stop me anytime you think I'm going into attack mode."
"OK," Ted said, with a smile.
Alexis went on: "We're lucky, because both of these young men have more than common familiarity with the legal system. Mr. Monroe is a lawyer himself. Zander has been my clerk for about a year. He's a friend too, a bit of a confidante and he's heard my lamentations about the system and about my cases."
Ted smiled.
"He's also been a frequent defendant, and he has a lot of familiarity that way," said Bernard Bach.
"Well, Mr. Bach, you're sort of already getting out of the spirit of the thing," Ted said.
"Oh, sorry," Bach said. "I was just kidding around a little bit."
"It's true, anyway," Zander said. "Not that exaggerated, but I have been arrested and charged before. This is nothing compared to that. But it was long ago now, too. My father has also been put in jail for violating a custody order."
"Custody of you?" Ted asked, curious.
"Yes, when I was a kid he took my brother and I to Russia when my mother had custody. He was from there originally."
"An international custody battle, how interesting," Ted said. "I mean, sorry, I don't mean to make light of the pain it must have caused."
"I didn't think you were. I understand the professional interest. It's not a bad thing for somebody to be unemotional about it all."
"Zander and I talked about this case," Alexis said. "He knows that legally you'll get consequences for punching somebody, even if they don't get hurt - that it's not allowed by society - I think he can get control of his impulses now. He knows Mr. Monroe annoys him and that he has to watch out for that and avoid Mr. Monroe. He's got some concern about freedom of movement, that is, he's been out with his girlfriend and they've ended up in the same place as Mr. Monroe, and Zander has a bit of the attitude, why should I leave a place because he shows up. We think Mr. Monroe can keep control of himself. That's the disadvantage. At the same time, Mr. Monroe's lack of control is in the area of keeping his thoughts to himself. He's like a provoking smart aleck. We get that he's allowed to do that without any legal consequences, while Zander's method of just punching him is not. But working something out might be possible if we can get Mr. Monroe to agree, or understand, that it would help a lot if he could keep a few of his smart aleck thoughts to himself. Maybe he could write them in a diary and send them to me, and that would relieve him. I'm not saying he should hold it all in. Just find a better venue for them."
"Good thought," Ted said. "Mr. Bach?"
Bach was at a real loss. He didn't have much to say. He was always in attack mode, for one thing, and didn't see how to get out of it without ending up a loser. It went so against the grain to give in on anything that he was without words. This alone got him worried. He was a lawyer and being without words felt like losing.
"Relax, Mr. Bach," Ted said. His experience led him to guess how Bach saw it. He was amazed at how much better women were at mediating. "I always joke with my colleagues about testosterone and how woman are better at negotiating a win-win situation. The legal system should be turned over to them, I think, sometimes. Sexist as it is. All the judges and lawyers should be women. And the United Nations, too. Every country should send a woman."
Everyone laughed.
"Well, in that spirit," Bach said. "I can't believe I'm saying this. But Ms. Davis already has the perfect proposal. I was thinking of the usual restraining order where they have to stay 100 feet away, but to Mr. Smith's disadvantage in that he had to clear out if they end up in the same place. But in the spirit of it, if I were Mr. Smith, I'd hate that. I'd really hate to have to leave a place I'd taken my girlfriend to because somebody I didn't like chose to show up. And I'm pretty sure Mr. Monroe might go out of his way to show up."
"Hey, you're too much into the spirit of this thing, Bernie!" Sean said, laughingly. "I'm kidding," he said to Ted, right away.
"Does it help at all," Ted asked Zander. "If he tells you he's kidding? Say you take everything he says with the proverbial grain of salt. Easier said than done, I suppose."
"I think I could do that," Zander said.
"See, you can kid him back. He doesn't get to punch you either."
"He's smart enough to do that," Alexis said. "He's just not such a smart aleck, so it's not natural."
"I hope, Mr. Monroe, you'll mature out of that," Ted said. "Everybody's not up for a joke all the time."
"The judge said something to him like that," Bach said. "Judge Wentworth."
"A woman," Alexis said. Everybody laughed again.
"I hope you're not offended," Joanna said to Quinn, sitting in Luke's bar after a day shift. They were waiting for AJ and Zander, separately. "It's become and in-joke of AJ and me. He says oh, I'll take you to Bermuda, or the Bahamas, but, maybe you'd rather I took you to Moscow. You know, the joke is me saying someone taking you to Russia is a sign of true love. So he says maybe I'd rather frolic in the freezing cold in Red Square than lie on the beach in the Bahamas."
"I'm not offended," Quinn said.
"It really is special to you, and I understand why."
"Having a semi-native there was part of it, and knowing a little of the language, how he taught me. Still, it could be nice, if we all went. Now that it's your little joke it could be special to you, too, in a way, only because of that."
"Makes sense."
"What can be more romantic than the preserved body of Lenin? Gazing on that together."
Joanna laughed aloud. "Nothing could be more romantic than that!"
"I got a very, very, very indirect proposal."
"Another one!"
"No. Too indirect." Quinn told Joanna what Zander had said.
"How would it work? You buy yourself a ring and ask if you can wear it?" Joanna perceived that it was not entirely serious.
"Centuries of male domination have taken hold of your mind, Joanna" Quinn said. "We wouldn't necessarily merely reverse the procedure. The ring may not belong to the procedure, where the woman proposes. I may even have to do without one for life."
"Could it have such a terrible effect?" Joanna giggled infectiously.
"Maybe that's why it's not done," Quinn said, catching the giggling.
"Perhaps it should be truly reversed," Joanna said. "In other words, you don't even ask. Especially in light of what Zander said about you choosing. You say, I've reviewed the candidates, and I'm happy to inform you that you've won."
They were speechless with merriment for a while.
AJ came upon them in this state.
"What is it?" he grinned.
"Let's run this by one of the affected gender," Joanna said.
"OK," Quinn said.
"Hypothetically, say Quinn wants to be a Sadie Hawkins and make a marriage proposal. Now how would you feel if you were not asked, but simply informed that you were the winner?"
He thought a moment. "Pretty good actually."
"Men! They are so ridiculous!" Joanna said. "So competitive! That's why he likes it!"
"But you understand them well," Quinn said. "You came up with that idea and it looks like it isn't that far off the mark."
Zander came in.
"What happened?" Quinn asked.
"We made this agreement that I'll stay at least 100 feet from him. I plan to go and buy a tape measure tonight," Zander said. "But if we end up at the same building for any reason, he's not to talk to me, even if I am closer than this 100 feet. It can be less than 100 feet if I'm in a place and he comes in. Then I just have to generally avoid him, not approach him. But he can't approach me or say anything without violating the order."
"Wow, you really made out well!" Quinn exclaimed. "An order that Sean not talk to you! I'd love to have that! They call that a punishment?"
Zander laughed. "Are you jealous?"
"Very!"
"There would be ways around it," AJ commented. "He could write you a note."
"That would be like the shyster," Zander said. "So he technically would not be in violation."
"You could keep the note, though," Joanna said. "It would at least be evidence against him."
"Yeah. Alexis might argue it still violates the order. Maybe the order even says 'communicate' rather than 'talk.'"
"He could make a toast, and say something publicly fine but that has meaning to you," AJ said. "My family members have done that on occasion."
"Which ones?" Zander asked.
"You can probably guess," AJ said. "Grandfather. I think Ned has done it."
"Have you done it?" Joanna asked.
"I've thought about it," AJ grinned.
They all laughed.
"I'm sure the shyster is going to try at least one thing," Zander said. "To prove he's won. Something. And I'll have to figure out how not to deck him."
"Well, if I can help in any way," AJ said. "Just ask. I'm serious. The shyster gets on my nerves too. Would it help if you could know I am available as a hit man? You can hire me to deck him for you. Maybe that violates the order, but it will be very hard for the shyster to prove."
"Perfect," Quinn said. "Just perfect! I'm going to buy you a drink, AJ!"