A/N: Hey, I'm really alive and updating! Sorry I took so long. My intro explains why. It's a bad explanation, but it's the truth. School helped too though. So did hockey. Anyways, enjoy.
Disclaimer: I don't own Emperor's New Groove, Yu Yu Hakusho, or any of the crime shows I watch! But I really really really wish I did... hey, Christmas is coming... (Grins)
Kurama: Hey, Hiei, have you seen Ryouko or Himizu since you tried to beat Himizu up at the last filming?
Hiei: (Mouth full of sweet snow) Mo, man my mon mar.
Kurama: -.-() Swallow.
Hiei: (Glares, but swallows) No, I haven't seen them, and I really don't care where they are.
Kurama: Has anyone seen them?
YYH Cast: Nope.
Kurama: It's been, what, two months since she had us film this parody. Something's up.
Yusuke: You're not grateful for the reprieve?
Kurama: Well… Youko certainly is…
Youko: (In Kurama's head, no da) You're damned right, Shuuichi. I don't care if we never film again!
Kurama: But the reviewers are getting antsy. We really ought to find them.
Youko: I take no responsibility for this. Find them yourself if you want to film so badly.
Kurama: Fine! Somebody took a major blow to his ego…
Youko: No shit. I'm a freaking llama!
Kurama: No comment…
Hiei: Well? Where should we look?
Kurama: Um… let's start over here… (Points at random door)
(Three days later)
Botan: Where on Earth could they be? We've looked everywhere!
Kuwabara: Maybe not… what about in this broom closet?
YYH Cast: O.O -.- Right…
Kuwabara: (Opens door anyways and is promptly hit on the head with an anvil and set on fire) AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
YYH Cast: O.O;;;
Kurama: I think we found them… -.-()
(Saru can be seen obsessively playing video games and ignoring Kuwabara's screams as he continues to burn. Yusuke pours water on Kuwabara to shut him up)
Yukina: Er… Saru?
Saru: Yo.
Yukina: Um… Where are Ryouko and Himizu?
Saru: Next room.
Yukina: Is the door… er… rigged?
Saru: Huh uh.
Yukina: Ok. Arigatou.
Saru: Uh huh… (Keeps playing video games)
(The Cast opens the door and peaks in)
(Ryouko and Himizu are sprawled on a pair of large comfy couches. Both are holding plates full of cookies. There are dozens of empty packages of cookies strewn around the room and a few hundred empty Mountain Dew cans with several more unopened 24-packs nearby. There is also a giant TV in front of them and Himizu is holding the remote. Both girls are staring in wide-eyed fascination as a very sexy guy with longish brown hair walks into a trailer and begins poking around. Ryouko gives a slight squeal and half hides her face with her hands. Himizu sits up straight, looking livid)
Himizu: What the hell are you doing, Ryan? You moron, that's where the criminal is! What the hell are you doing?
Ryouko: Ahhh, no not Ryan, what is he doing? (Hides face, but instantly peaks back out)
Himizu: RYAN, WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING? DON'T OPEN THE FREAKING CLOSET!
(Ryan opens the closet and is shot with a nail gun right next to his eye)
(Ryouko screams, Himizu swears)
Himizu: DAMNIT ERIC, THIS IS ALL YOUR FREAKING FAULT!
(Ryan manages to call for backup; Eric hears the call and takes Ryan to the hospital, with Himizu swearing at him the whole time. Eventually the criminal is caught, the nail removed from Ryan's face and Eric and Ryan apologize for fighting earlier in the show)
Himizu: Damnit, Eric! You shouldn't have skipped work! All your fault! Damn you!
Ryouko: Don't damn Eric! He's way too sexy!
Himizu: Ooh, that's true. But Ryan is way sexier.
Ryouko: Yeah, but Warrick is even hotter than Ryan.
Himizu: Sure, but Greg is hotter than Warrick any day.
(C.S.I. Miami ends and an episode of C.S.I. starts playing. After about ten minutes, they get a glimpse of a character named Nick, who is also quite loved by Ryouko and Himizu. However…)
Himizu and Ryouko: OH MY FREAKING GOD!
Ryouko: HE GREW A MOUSTACHE!
Himizu: WHAT THE CRAP? Now he looks like Don Juan.
Ryouko: (Cracks up) Yes, he does! Oh my gosh! (Laughs hysterically)
YYH Cast: O.O;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;
Kurama: Ahem.
Ryouko and Himizu: WAH! (Twitch spastically and turn to the door, seeing it open they fall off the couch shielding their eyes)
Ryouko: IT BURNS!
Himizu: NOOO! Not the outside world! They've come for me at last! Don Juan, Greg, save me! (Falls prostrate before the TV)
Hiei: The TV has made them even more stupid than usual.
Kurama: Himizu, chill out, it's just us!
Himizu: So you say… but the Cosmic Sheep have their ways… (Mutters darkly to herself as she buries herself in the blankets on the couch until only her eyes peep out as she continues to stare at the TV, which has been paused still showing Nick. She then starts muttering about his Don Juan moustache)
Kurama: So… why were you three buried in the recesses of the studio instead of filming?
Ryouko: Well, Himizu said she had no ideas, so we decided to take a break. We decided to watch crime shows and eat junk food until we made ourselves sick or she had ideas. She still doesn't seem to have many, does she?
Kurama: How can she have writer's block? All she has to do is type in our names and a bit of extra dialogue into a script that's already written for her!
Ryouko: Don't ask me, I'm just here to mooch off her never-ending supply of yummy foods and crime shows! Did you know she's messed with the TV so that it plays all the old and new episodes of every single show we want! We watched Law & Order for 24 hours a day for nine whole days, then we went to sleep because Himizu said that you can die from lack of sleep after ten days, then we watched even more TV and we're still not done, but we decided to watch some of the new shows that we missed and NICK GREW A MOUSTACE! (Cries, and hugs Hiei)
Hiei: … Why me?
Kurama: Er, Himizu?
Himizu: (Still under the blankets) I KNOW, I KNOW! I NEED TO FILM!
Kurama: Why don't you just get it over with…?
Himizu: Well, I suppose that would work… But then I'm going to watch crime shows until my brain fries.
Hiei: What brain?
Mallet: WHAM!
Hiei: . X.X
Ryouko: O.O -.-#
Himizu: Heh heh… HELP! (Runs out the door, past Saru and back into the main studio area)
Saru: I feel a draft… Will someone shut the door?
(When we left off, Guard Jin just informed Youko Kuzco that village leader Yusuke Pacha was here to see him and Youko Kuzco fired Genkai Yzma)
Youko Kuzco: (Gets comfortable on his throne) Ah! Okay, show him in!
Yusuke Pacha: (Pretending quite badly to be nervous) Uh, afternoon, you Royal Pain-in-the-ass… I mean, your Highness. I'm here because I received a summons --
Youko Kuzco: Hey, there he is! My main village man!
Yusuke Pacha: …Uh, Yusuke Pacha. Anyway, I got this summons --
Youko Kuzco: Yusuke Pacha! That's right, you are just the man I wanted to see!
Yusuke Pacha: I am?
Youko Kuzco: Word on the street is you can fix my problem. (Pause) (Gets off throne and comes to stand next to Yusuke Pacha) You can fix my problem, can't you?
Yusuke Pacha: (Shrugs) Sure, I'll do what I can.
Youko Kuzco: Good, good, that's just what I wanted to hear. Are you aware of just how important your village is to the empire?
(They start walking to another room… really just two feet away)
Yusuke Pacha: Well, I know we grow the crops that you use here at the palace. We also herd the llamas that you… (Youko Kuzco lifts a sheet to reveal a small model of Yusuke Pacha's village)…my village?
Youko Kuzco: Oh yeah. You've got a pretty sweet little setup up there on top of that hill, don't ya, hahahaha!
Yusuke Pacha: Yup, my family has lived on that hilltop for the last six generations.
Youko Kuzco: Uh-huh. So tell me, where do you find you get the most sun?
Yusuke Pacha: (Pushes Youko Kuzco to the other side of the model) Oh, I'd say just on the other side of those trees. When the sun hits that ridge just right, these hills sing.
Youko Kuzco: Well that settles it.
Yusuke Pacha: Really?
Youko Kuzco: Yup, problem solved, thanks for coming.
Yusuke Pacha: That's it? That's all you wanted me for?
Youko Kuzco: I just needed an insider's opinion before I Okayed this spot for my pool.
Yusuke Pacha: Uh, your pool?
Youko Kuzco: (slams down a model of Kuzcotopia on top of where Yusuke Pacha's house was, smashing the tiny cottage) Boo-yah! Welcome to Kuzcotopia, my ultimate summer getaway! Complete with waterslide! (Huge smile)
Yusuke Pacha: What?
Youko Kuzco: Isn't it great? It's my birthday gift to me! I'm so happy! (Hugs model)
Yusuke Pacha: Uh-uh-uh-uh--I don't understand how this could happen.
Youko Kuzco: Well, let me clear it up for you. At my birthday celebration tomorrow, I give the word, and your town will be destroyed to make way for this! (Pushes button and music plays while confetti is thrown everywhere. Whistles along with the model) So if I were you, I'd pick up some change of address forms on the way home.
Yusuke Pacha: But, um, where will we live?
Youko Kuzco: Hmmm...don't know, don't care. How's that?
Yusuke Pacha: Oh, but wait, you can't… (Is blocked by guards with spears)
Youko Kuzco: (Eye twitch as he hears he's not allowed to do something) When I give the word, your little town thingy will be bye-bye. Bye-bye! Boo-hoo.
(Yusuke Pacha is dragged off swearing, while Youko Kuzco preens)
Youko Kuzco (Voiceover): Oh, yeah, everything was going my way. (Shot of Genkai Yzma smashing a statue of him with a giant mallet) Or, so I thought.
(In Genkai Yzma's Chamber, very dark, spooky, and gloomy, of course)
(Genkai Yzma is smashing many stone images of Youko Kuzco. She paces around furiously, forcing Hiei Kronk to put the statues where she can easily smash them and he has to hold the mallet in his mouth in between statues…)
Genkai Yzma: He can't get rid of me that easily! Who does that ungrateful little worm think he is? Does he -- a little to the left -- have any idea of who he's dealing with? How could he do this to me? Why, I practically raised him!
Hiei Kronk: Yeah, you think he would've turned out better…
Genkai Yzma: Yeah, go figure.
Hiei Kronk: Well, it's better you're taking out your anger on these things instead of on the real Youko Kuzco.
Genkai Yzma: (Moment of brilliance) That's it, Hiei Kronk, that's it! I'll get rid of Youko Kuzco!
Hiei Kronk: The real Youko Kuzco?
Genkai Yzma: (Rolls eyes) Dimwit… Of course the real Youko Kuzco! Don't you see? It's perfect! With him out of the way and no heir to the throne, I'll take over and rule the empire! Brilliant!
Hiei Kronk: So, how does that work with you being fired and all?
Genkai Yzma: The only ones who know about that are the three of us, soon to be the two of us.
Hiei Kronk: And I'm one of those two, right?
Genkai Yzma: To the secret lab! (They run off) Pull the lever, Hiei Kronk! (Trapdoor opens under her) WRONG LEVERRRRRRRR! (She falls through)
Hiei Kronk: I'M FREE! I mean… uh… oops…?
(A few seconds later, Genkai Yzma comes through a door with a crocodile attached to her leg. Slaps croc, which runs away in fear)
Genkai Yzma: Why do we even have that lever? Get out of my way!
(Genkai Yzma pulls the other lever and they are bumped into a roller coaster car.)
Random Voice: Please remain seated and keep your arms and legs in at all times.
(The 'ride' starts and they go swirling downhill.)
Hiei Kronk: Whee! Faster, faster! Genkai Yzma, put your hands in the air! Woo-hoo! (A/N: Wow, can you imagine Hiei doing that?)
(They land in the secret lab and they are now dressed in doctor's smocks. They slap hands and then run over to the table.)
Genkai Yzma: Ah, how shall I do it? Oh, I know. I'll turn him into a flea. (Badly drawn cartoon of a flea with a silver fox tail and fox ears) A harmless little flea. And then I'll put that flea in a box, and I'll put that box inside another box, and then I'll mail that box to myself, and when it arrives -- ahahahahaha! -- I'll smash it with a hammer! (Badly drawn cartoon of chibi Genkai Yzma smashing the box with a mallet and stomping on the remains, laughing like a maniac) It's brilliant, brilliant, brilliant, I tell you! Genius, I say! Or, to save on postage, I'll just poison him with this! Take it, Hiei Kronk, feel the power.
Hiei Kronk: (Holding the vial) Oh. I can feel it.
Genkai Yzma: Our moment of triumph approaches! It's DINNERTIME!
(Genkai Yzma's Chamber)
(It's almost time for dinner.)
Genkai Yzma: So, is everything ready for tonight?
Hiei Kronk: Oh yeah, I thought we'd start off with soup and a light salad, and then see how we feel after that.
Genkai Yzma: Not the dinner! The… you know...
Hiei Kronk: Oh, right! The poison. The poison for Youko Kuzco. The poison chosen specially to kill Youko Kuzco. Youko Kuzco's poison. (Sees Genkai Yzma rolling her eyes) That poison?
Genkai Yzma: Yes, that poison! -.-#
Hiei Kronk: Gotcha covered. (Smirks and pulls out the vial)
Genkai Yzma: Excellent! A few drops in his drink, then I'll propose a toast, and he'll be dead before dessert!
Hiei Kronk: Which is a real shame, because it's going to be delicious.
Youko Kuzco: (Slams the door open) Boom, bam, baby! Let's get to the grub! I am one hungry king of the world! (Sits down with a flourish) So...no hard feelings about being let go?
Genkai Yzma: (Forced smile) None whatsoever. Hiei Kronk, get the Emperor a drink.
Hiei Kronk: Drink. Riiiiiiiiiight. (He goes over to a table and mixes up the drinks and pours the poison into Youko Kuzco's glass) Your Highness.
Youko Kuzco: (Sniffs the air delicately) Is something burning?
Hiei Kronk: My spinach puffs! (Sets his drink tray down and runs into the kitchen)
(Long silence. Crickets chirp in the background. Saru runs screaming through the background and begins whacking the crickets to death with a baseball bat)
Youko Kuzco: Ahem. Soooooooo...he seems...nice.
Genkai Yzma: He is.
Youko Kuzco: He's, what, in his late twenties?
Genkai Yzma: …I'm not sure.
Hiei Kronk: (coming out holding the spinach puffs) Saved 'em!
Youko Kuzco and Genkai Yzma: Oh, that's great, very good job.
Hiei Kronk: Watch it. They're still hot.
Genkai Yzma: Ahem. Hiei Kronk, the Emperor needs his -- drink.
Hiei Kronk: Right. Oh -- riiiiiiiiight.
(Goes over to the table with the drinks, but he can't remember which one he put the poison into, so he pours all three of the drinks into a container and shakes it. He then pours a little bit into each glass.)
Youko Kuzco: Hey, Hiei Kronky, everything okay back there?
Hiei Kronk: Oh, uh -- the drinks were a bit on the -- warm side! (Clouds of smoke rise around Hiei Kronk and there are several loud bands.) Eh-heh. (He walks back to the large table) Hey, did you see that sky today? Talk about blue.
Genkai Yzma: Yes, Hiei Kronk. Riveting. A toast to the Emperor! Long live Youko Kuzco!
Hiei Kronk: (Aside to Genkai Yzma) Don't drink the wine. Poison! (Mimes dying)
(As Youko Kuzco drinks Genkai Yzma pours hers into a plant when he's not looking.)
Youko Kuzco: Ah. Tasty! (Falls face first into his food.)
Genkai Yzma: Finally! Good work, Hiei Kronk.
Hiei Kronk: Oh, they're so easy to make, I'll get you the recipe.
Genkai Yzma: Now to get rid of the body.
Youko Kuzco: (Sits back up) Okay!
Genkai Yzma: Ooooh!
Hiei Kuzco: What were we saying?
Genkai Yzma: Uh--uh--we were just making a toast to your long and healthy rule...
Youko Kuzco: (As he speaks he begins to turn into a llama) Right. So, what're you gonna do? (Llama ears) I mean, you've been around here a long time, and I really mean a long time, um, I thought it might be difficult for someone of your age adjusting to life in the private sector. Hey, Hiei Kronk, can you top me off, pal? Be a friend? Now about the finding new work. (Llama hooves)
Genkai Yzma: (Under her breath and motions with the broccoli) Hit him on the head!
Youko Kuzco: That's -- that's gonna be tough.
Hiei Kronk: (Holds up the tray while looking confused) More broccoli?
(Genkai Yzma looks livid and hits her hand with her fist. Hiei Kronk finally gets it)
Youko Kuzco: Because you're...you know. Let's face it, you're no spring chicken, (Llama nose) and I mean that in the best possible way - (Hiei Kronk hits him on the head with the tray and he goes unconscious)
Genkai Yzma: (jumps up) What! A llama! He's supposed to be dead!
Hiei Kronk: Yeah, weird.
Genkai Yzma: (Teeth clenched) Let me see that vial! This isn't poison, this is extract of llama!
Hiei Kronk: You know, in my defense, your poisons all look alike, you might think of re-labeling some of them.
Genkai Yzma: Take him out of town and finish the job now!
Hiei Kronk: What about dinner?
Genkai Yzma: (Annoyed) Hiei Kronk, this is kind of important.
Hiei Kronk: How about dessert?
Genkai Yzma: (Pause) Well, I suppose there's time for dessert.
Hiei Kronk: And coffee?
Genkai Yzma: All right, a quick cup of coffee. Then take him out of town and finish the job!
Hiei: Slave driver…
Himizu: AND CUT! Mwa ha ha, I'm finished!
Kurama: You did this just to get that weight off your conscience, didn't you?
Himizu: No da. But come on. I have three fics that I need to finish, plus a whole bunch more that I need to work on and post.
Hiei: And yet, you just wasted two months locked up watching TV.
Himizu: -.- Stay out of this, shrimp!
Ryouko: So, now what?
Himizu: Well… (Grins)
(Five minutes later)
Ryouko: This was a great idea. Traveling salesmen are good for something after all.
Himizu: You betcha! Now maybe we can get down to serious business!
(Saru is back to playing her videogames and the YYH Cast is locked out of the rooms that look like broom closets by extremely advanced security systems and evil looking wolves ready to rip them to pieces. The girls are back on their comfy couches with their cookies and soda pop. Himizu hits a button on her remote control and a new episode of Criminal Minds starts playing)
Ryouko: Ah, this is the life. Lots of TV, lots of food, and no worries…
Himizu: Until the reviewers start harassing me, but we'll wait until that happens…
(The girls high-five and settle back to watch TV)
Kurama: This won't end well…