The next night Sadie and I get ready together. "Do I look okay?" I ask her again, looking in the mirror for the umpteenth time. "Yes, you look fine. Stop looking in the mirror or I'm taking it down." I laugh, and feel myself calm down. I'll be singing Love Just Is, but I'm also going to sing a new song for the first time. Only Darius knows, because I want it to be a surprise. I'm mostly nervous because no one has heard it before, so I don't know how good it is. "Are you ready to do this?" I take a deep breath before answering. "Yes." She smiles at me and I know she's got my back. "Then let's go." We arrive at G Major. I head towards the stage that's been set up to get ready to sing. When I've been introduced, I walk on stage. I grab my guitar and start to sing.
"When the night won't fall and the sun won't rise
And you see the best as you close your eyes
When you reach the top as you bottom out
But you understand what it's all about
Nothing's ever what it seems
In your life or in your dreams
It don't make sense, what can you do
So, I won't try making sense of you
Love just is, whatever it may be
Love just is, you and me
Nothing less and nothing more
I don't know what I love you for
Love just is
When you ask to stay and then disappear
It seems you're gone but you're really here
When every move seems out of place
But every kiss is filled with grace
Some things never get defined
In your heart or in your mind
It don't make sense, what can you do
So, I won't try making sense of you
Love just is, whatever it may be
Love just is, you and me
Nothing less and nothing more
I don't know what I love you for
Love just is
Don't ever ask me for reasons
I can't get to you
Don't ever ask me for reasons
Why I live for you
I just do
Nothing's ever what it seems
In your life or in your dreams
It don't make sense, what can you do
So, I won't try making sense of you
Love just is, whatever it may be
Love just is, you and me
Nothing less and nothing more
I don't know what I love you for
Love just is"
I finish singing to thunderous applause. I wait for the crowd to quit again before I start my next song. "As a surprise, I'll be singing a new song of mine, called It Only Hurts When I'm Breathing." I close my eyes as I start to sing, hoping I won't start to cry as I'm singing.
"Hope life's been good to you
since you've been gone
I'm doin' fine now--I've finally moved on
It's not so bad--I'm not that sad
I'm not surprised just how well I survived
I'm over the worst, and I feel so alive
I can't complain--I'm free again
And it only hurts when I'm breathing
My heart only breaks when it's beating
My dreams only die when I'm dreaming
So, I hold my breath--to forget
Don't think I'm lyin' 'round cryin' at night
There's no need to worry, I'm really all right
I've never looked back--as a matter of fact
And it only hurts when I'm breathing
My heart only breaks when it's beating
My dreams only die when I'm dreaming
So, I hold my breath--to forget
It only hurts when I breathe
Mmm, no, I've never looked back--
as a matter fact
And it only hurts when I'm breathing
My heart only breaks when it's beating
My dreams only die when I'm dreaming
So, I hold my breath--to forget
Hurts when I'm breathing
Breaks when it's beating
Die when I'm dreaming
It only hurts when I breathe"
I looked up as I finished, afraid they wouldn't like it. Everyone seemed to love it, but I didn't notice, because the one man that could send my world crashing down yet again was standing at the back of the room, staring at me. He stood just inside the doors, and looked almost stunned. I thanked everyone, and then got off the stage as fast as I could. "Jude, that was amazing." Sadie hugged me and when I looked at her there was a big smile on her face. "Thanks." I replied offhandedly. "What is it?" she asked in a worried tone. "Sadie, he's here." "Who's here? Oh, uh, just ignore him. Yeah. Show him you've moved on. Jude it's gonna be fine." My nervousness must have been written all over my face. "Yeah, I'm gonna be fine." I tried to sound confident and sure of myself, but I failed miserably. I moved off into the crowd, slowly making my way to the drinks. As I reached the table, I saw him out of the corner of my eye.
He was going towards the studio, and he motioned for me to follow. Against my better judgment, I went. I tried to build a wall around my heart as I followed him with trepidation. I wasn't going to let him hurt me again. No, he wouldn't hurt me again; I'd make sure of it. As I entered the studio I closed the door behind. Taking a deep breath, I turned to him. "Make it fast Quincy, and make it good." "Jude, I never meant to hurt you. I didn't want to leave. I didn't have a choice, you have to believe me." "You couldn't leave after the date you asked for? Don't bother to beg for forgiveness Quincy. You're not getting it. But wait, your name's not Quincy, is it?" "Jude, let me explain, please." He sounded so sincere, and he looked like he was going to cry. Be strong Jude. Keep that wall up. Don't forget what he did to you. "Now you want to explain? Is that it? Well, if it was the night you stood me up; maybe I would have let you. But tonight? I don't think so." Now he wants to explain? Ha! Like that's gonna happen. If he thinks I'm going to forgive him he's got another thing coming. "Jude I…" "Save it Tommy. I don't want to hear it." "Please?" Damn him! I could feel my resolve weakening. "Fine, but this had better be real good." It came out harsher than I meant it to, but he deserved it.
"My sister Claire lived at my grandfather's house in Montana. My grand-père left it to us when he died, but it hurt too much to stay there, so I told her she could have it. She and her husband were on their way home from a business dinner when their car was hit by a drunk driver. They both died and their wills said that if anything happened to them custody of their daughter Lucy would be given to me. I had to go take care of her. I've been trying to get custody turned over to my parents. I finally got the paperwork done and the request approved, and now I have to get her a passport and get her records and papers together so I can take her to my parents. I would have stayed if I could." He finished, and I felt my heart soften slightly. No! I had to protect it, but he made it so hard. "I'm sorry about your sister and her husband, Tommy, but you could have answered when I called. You could have explained then." I looked away as I said it so he wouldn't see the tears threatening to fall from my eyes. "I'm taking Lucy to France tomorrow and I know you hate me right now, but do you want to come? Bien qu'un coeur cassé ne pardonne pas facilement, il aimera encore." What do I say to that? "What does that mean?" "Although a broken heart will not easily forgive, it will love again."
I'd love to go to France, but with him? I'm still only seventeen. "Two things: one, I'm still only seventeen, so how would we get permission to go alone? And two, why would I want to go anywhere with you? You broken my heart, remember?" "I'm not sure about one just yet, but as for two, I thought if you met Lucy and came with you might be able to understand a little better why I left. I also figured you could probably use a vacation. We can say you need a change of scenery to inspire you, and since I'm going to France, you're coming with me so you won't be alone. I can be your guide and translator. So what do say?" "This is against my better judgment, but okay. And this doesn't mean I forgive you." "I promise you won't regret this Jude. I'll talk to Darius; you just have to talk to your parents." He seems really happy about this, but I'm not so sure. "I have to get back to the party."
Truthfully, I just have to get away before I look into those blue eyes of his. I know if I do the wall I built will come crashing down.