Love Shouldn't Be This Painful
Disclaimer: I do not own Grey's Anatomy.
Characters: I'm pretty sure you can guess...
Summary: "Love is everything it's cracked up to be...It really is worth fighting for, being brave for, risking everything for." But is it really worth the heartache?
"We can only learn to love by loving." -Iris Murdoch
A walk on a beautiful September night shouldn't have meant an ending. The moon had been full, leaves crunching beneath our feet. The air was crisp and clear. Like us, a neighbor's cat was taking his usual evening stroll.
Now, home alone, I wandered around my house, remembering the places that once held his things. The cup on the sink in the bathroom, which used to hold two toothbrushes, now held one. The shaving cream and razor were gone. The chocolate ice cream, still in the freezer, was his favorite. The bed was made with military purpose and hospital corners. The neatness of every room marked his attempted, yet futile efforts.
I opened the closet, knowing I had overlooked nothing when I helped him pack. I searched the floor for a stray tie or sneaker. How I wished that I had not been so thorough. I looked at the empty section of closet space, missing his freshly starched shirts. I stared at the landing, looking hard for his shoes. The tears blurred my eyes, and I wondered if the ache would ever end. I remembered the whole night; it played continuously in my head.
"I don't know what to do," he'd said, with tears in his eyes. The pain seeped into every action and word.
"I love you enough to let you go," I said. My heart ached with the thought of losing him. We had worked so hard to keep each other. But there were so many complications with our relationship. So many difficulties to deal with.
"I can't do it. I can't leave you. We have so many dreams," he responded.
I thought of a few, including buying a house together and getting another dog. We had spent many nights discussing all our dreams until dawn. We shared a deepening love and a growing closeness.
We held each other, knowing that we had fought so long and it was over. The dreams were meant to stay just that, dreams. The tears soaked our faces and clothes. I shuddered with sobs. I did not want to cry. I did not want to make this decision any harder for him. I loved him too much. I never wanted to cause him any pain.
"I'll help you pack. Come on- if we're going to do this, we have to do this now or I won't be able to let you leave."
I got up from the couch and started to gather his toothbrush, comb, and blow dryer from the bathroom, shirts, pants, and ties from the closet, sweats, bathrobe, and other assorted clothes from the bedroom. I swiped at the tears on my face as I packed his things. He just stood there dumbfounded. I had to make him go. It was best for him, for us. I never wanted him to feel as if I had held him back. I couldn't let him regret his decision if he stayed.
I helped him load everything in the car. We shut the door- the perfect punctuation mark for that whole evening.
We caught each other's hands, and we walked away from the car. We held hands and talked softly. It was very late. I couldn't remember the words we spoke. I could only remember his thumb caressing my hand. My eyes blurred as we walked. I wanted to huddle closer to him, but that would only make it harder. Finally, almost by accident, we reached his car again.
We wrapped our arms around each other, holding on frantically.
"I'm so sorry," he choked out.
"Me too."
He got in the car and drove away. I stood on the porch, watching his taillights disappear. I stayed there for a very long time. I sank to the steps and willed that he turn around and make everything all right. I prayed for him to come home. I needed him.
I had done what was right, yet the pain was extreme. I cried and cried till my head pounded and my eyes burned.
In the days that followed, I would jump at the ringing of the phone or the doorbell. I was so lost. I ached for his arms. I cried constantly, and I thought I saw him everywhere. I spent so many nights at Joe's, drinking until my head pounded, but my heart continued to ache painfully.
I stayed in the bathtub for hours. I'd let the water get cold and then just refill the tub. Sometimes I didn't realize it had gone cold till I was shaking with chills.
I walked the path that we had walked everyday. I didn't talk to anyone about the pain. It was my own. It was all I had left of him, and I didn't want to share that, not even with the friends who had known me and him since the beginning.
Late one Saturday night, the doorbell rang. After two weeks, I still jumped at the sound of a ringing phone or a visitor at the door, not knowing, but always hoping, it was him. I put on my old flannel bathrobe and went down the stairs, turning on lights as I went. I opened the door a little and peered out. On the front porch was him, the only man I've ever loved.
I stood there for a long time, and then I pushed the door open and wrapped my arms tightly around him. I cried. He cried.
"I couldn't do it, Meredith." He said.
"I couldn't, either, Derek." I was crying and laughing at the same time.
Author's Notes: Ah-ha! How many guessed it was Meredith and Derek? I thought I gave a few clues...like the "getting another dog". Well, hope you have enjoyed this short fanfic.