Regina stopped pacing – despite not feeling like sitting still. She was in the library and had been after the rain had forced her inside. It was cold, it was damp, and Emma should have been home hours ago. She knew it was ridiculous to think Emma would be on time given the weather. She was surprised it was raining and not snowing as cold as it was, but it seemed the temperature was on the edge between rain and snow.
The problem was she too was on edge and had been for days now for reasons she couldn't explain. There had been this sense of wrongness is the only way she could think to describe it and the feeling of it would not let her go.
She had spent most of the day in seclusion –handling issues as they arose but for the most part she didn't want to be around people.
She hadn't been sleeping well and that was part of the problem, but that didn't explain why she felt like things were simply "wrong."
To make matters worse she had used magic again.
As always it hadn't been her intention but it had happened that morning. She had woken up after barely getting any sleep and she was cold because the fire in the fireplace had gone out and she was annoyed. She felt the magic surge in her and she didn't know what to do about it.
This time she could see the magic though – it formed as a fireball in her hand which she could hold and it wasn't burning her hand or anything. But it frightened her and she didn't know how to get it to stop so she ended up directing it toward the fireplace. The tiny ball flew from her hand and for a brief moment, the fire seemed to grow in the confines of the fireplace before disappearing.
It had scared her and she didn't feel safe being around others which was another reason she had isolated herself.
Now that Emma hadn't returned on time it was making her already high anxiety worse. She had made one of the guards go down to the gate and the moment Emma was in sight they were to get back there quickly to inform her. But hours passed and there had been no sighting of her.
She couldn't help but wonder if this type of worry was commonplace for Emma's parents. They had to watch her grow up knowing one day she would die and it would be the end of their bloodline if Regina didn't marry her. Did they constantly worry about their daughter?
There was a knock at the door.
"Come," she commanded.
It was only one of her handmaidens asking if she wanted something to eat or drink. She waved her away saying no.
Despite the rain which was no longer come down heavily, Regina was on the ramparts hours later. There was still a drizzle now but she barely paid attention to it as she looked out in the direction that Emma should be coming from. She had considered sending other riders out to search but it was now fully dark outside.
She finally decided to go back inside. She retired to her chambers with instructions that she be informed the moment the others returned. Once there, she couldn't help but sit and stare at the fireplace which was ablaze with a natural fire – a fire that didn't seem to be giving Regina the warmth she wanted.
She didn't know how long she had been sitting there when the door opened and Emma entered. Regina stood and rushed over to her.
"You're back! Are you alright?" she asked taking in the sight of her soaked to the bone wife. She touched Emma's hand as if to reassure herself that this was indeed Emma. "What happened? You should have been back hours ago."
Emma smiled as she could tell Regina was worried about her. "A little wet but I am fine. We're fine. The rain wouldn't stop and we got turned around a bit and none of that matters now because I'm here."
"Yes," Regina breathed out. "You are. I um I had instructed a guard to let me know when you were in sight of the castle …"
"Oh, you mean that poor guy. I am afraid since it was dark, the gate was already closed and when we came upon it, well that guard was ready to take off running despite looking like a drowned rat. I ordered him to stop, figuring I could get up here just as fast. Were you um worried?"
"Well of course," Regina said taking a step back from her. "For you and the guards that went with you. And speaking of drowned rats, perhaps you should have a bath drawn and make yourself a little more presentable."
Emma could only imagine what she looked like and she did want to take a nice warm bath to drive the chill from her bones, but she also wanted to stay here and talk with Regina – find out just how worried Regina had been about her and if she missed her. When Regina took a step away from her though, Emma felt disheartened that any such conversation would go the way she wished it would.
"You're right, I should take a bath," Emma said, and she rang for one of the handmaidens. After giving the girl some instructions as to her bath she turned back to Regina who had put more distance between them. Something seemed off about the way Regina was standing and there was a look in her eyes that Emma couldn't quite figure out.
"Is there something wrong?" Emma asked, suddenly concerned.
"No," Regina said, shaking her head. "I am just glad you are back safely."
Emma could tell it wasn't exactly the truth and she wasn't sure if she should press Regina about it or not. "I am sorry you had to worry. Are you sure everything is ok, you seem a little … tense?"
Regina breathed out what Emma thought was a sigh of relief. "Something happened earlier."
"What?" Emma said taking a step forward, suddenly concerned.
"I um … I …"
"What is it? What's wrong?" Emma asked again. This time she reached out to touch Regina, who moved away from her.
"I used magic this morning," Regina said.
"What happened?"
"I don't know," Regina said. "I was here and I felt it like I always do and the next thing I know the magic formed into a fireball and I could hold it in my hand. I could feel it, not the heat of it, it didn't burn or anything but I could feel the magic sustaining it. It scared me and I threw it there in the fireplace. It burned brightly for a moment and then it was gone."
Emma nodded, "You are ok? You didn't get hurt or anything?"
"No, I wasn't hurt."
"Good. That is all that matters."
"I could have hurt someone though. If I hadn't gotten it in the fireplace. If I had caught this place on fire, or if someone else had been around."
"But none of those things happened."
"But they could have."
"There is no purpose in fretting about what could have happened. The important thing is that you weren't hurt and no one else was either. We're going to figure this out. That is why we are going to get some magicians here for our celebration. We are going to find someone who can teach you. I promise."
She tried to reach out to touch Regina again, but again she backed away. Emma realized it wasn't a reaction to her; it was a reaction to using the magic. Regina was afraid of hurting her.
"It felt different this time," Regina admitted.
"In what way?"
"It's hard to explain. When I have used the magic in the past it has weakened me –made me feel sleepy or worn out. This time, it didn't feel like that."
"What did it feel like?"
"It was … exhilarating."
Emma studied her. She wasn't sure what to make of this.
"You liked it?" Emma asked.
Regina nodded yes.
There was a knock on the door that prevented Emma from responding. It was the handmaiden informing her that her bath was done.
"You should go," Regina said.
Emma didn't want to but she sensed Regina was done sharing for the evening.
"I won't be long," she said, leaving the room.
As Emma let the hot water soak into her – relaxing some of the muscles she hadn't even realized were so tense, she couldn't get her mind off of what Regina had said. She had a lot of questions about the magic, but she knew Regina probably wouldn't be able to answer them.
She was in uncharted territory with this. They needed to find someone who could teach her how to control the magic and to understand it and what it could be doing to her.
The bath made her feel better physically, but once she was done she found she was nervous to go back into her chambers. She had spent a good chunk of her time today thinking about being able to sleep in her bed - being able to sleep next to Regina. With the way Regina was keeping her distance from her she wondered if Regina would even sleep in the same bed with her. She shook off the thought for silliness and entered the chamber – Regina wasn't in the outer room, which Emma was going to take as a good sign.
Upon entering their bedroom Emma paused slightly as Regina was already in bed and already had her light off. She was facing away from Emma's side of the bed as usual. Emma shut the door behind her and made her way to the bed – easing into it and extinguishing her light.
"Good night," Regina said.
"Good night," Emma replied.
Minutes dragged on and Emma lay there staring at the ceiling. Before she had gotten to the castle she could have sworn that falling asleep tonight would be the easiest thing to do, and while she was tired, she also didn't feel comfortable.
"Are you awake still?" Emma asked knowing full well that Regina was not asleep.
"Yes."
Emma turned over on her side to face Regina, who to Emma's surprise also turned to face her. It was dark, but they were close enough that Emma could make out Regina's features.
"While I was gone, I didn't sleep well," Emma said. "It was weird because on my way there I kept thinking stupid things like if my parents would have me in my room or one of the guest rooms used for visiting royalty."
"I presume they had you in your room."
"Yeah, but even though that was my room for all those years I couldn't seem to fall asleep and stay asleep. I finally figured it out – that it was because that wasn't my room, not anymore. This one is."
"I think that is probably natural to feel that way," Regina said. Emma could pick up a hint of confusion in her statement as if Regina was trying to figure out why Emma was telling her this.
"Anyway, it wasn't just the realization that this is my bed, my room, that sort of hit me while I away," she said, pausing slightly before continuing. "I also realized that … that I missed you and I couldn't get comfortable there because I wasn't in bed with you."
She could see that Regina's eyes were open and looking at her, but as the silence continued to linger between them she also knew that she was the one who was going to have to continue speaking.
"I know we don't talk about such things, although we probably should, but I enjoy laying in bed with you." Another pause. "I enjoy holding you while you sleep or just being close to you while I sleep."
She heard the sharp intake of breath from Regina. But again her wife said nothing.
"Look, I know you are upset about what happened earlier with your magic and I can tell you are maybe not ready for me to touch… to hold you while we sleep tonight, and maybe you don't like it all, but if you do … or when you are ready, I would appreciate it if you um you let me know when it's ok to do so again."
Emma was disappointed when Regina maintained her silence so she merely wished her good night once more. Regina turned away from her and Emma moved to lie on her back once more, before finally turning away from Regina completely feeling like an idiot for her confession. She should have known that since Regina hadn't mentioned their sleeping arrangement in all this time that maybe it was because Regina was merely being polite because she didn't want to upset the balance they had seemed to have found in their marriage.
When Regina turned away from Emma to lie on her side once more she couldn't get her heart to stop thumping. She wondered if Emma could hear it because it seemed loud to her. She thought about what Emma had said to her, knowing full well she had disappointed Emma with her reaction. She also knew Emma would understand because Emma seemed to understand that Regina sometimes needed to think things out. She wasn't naturally impulsive.
Sure she had done impulsive things in her life but it wasn't her nature to be that way. Emma was more like that – willing to take a leap, but Regina liked to think through issues – at least when her emotions weren't getting the best of her. That was her problem now – trying to think this through while not being impulsive.
She had missed Emma these last few days – she knew this – but she had shoved the thoughts of why she missed her to the recesses of her brain. She hadn't wanted to think about why she missed her.
Thoughts of Emma's birthday came into her head and how excited and happy Emma was when Regina had given her that sword. She had justified the purchase by telling herself that it was Emma's first birthday since they were married and for appearances she should give her a gift. Emma had told her how her old sword's balance appeared to be off and she lamented this because she explained to Regina that while blacksmiths could work on a sword and restore the balance but to Emma at least the sword felt wrong afterward. When Emma's birthday was coming around – Regina knew it because every year their parents would get them together near their birthdays – she decided to contact Emma's father to ask for his advice as Regina had never had much use for weaponry.
The result was a sword that even Regina thought looked good and looked good on Emma as she had strapped it on immediately.
The kiss she had received for giving the gift had surprised her. It was a short kiss, but Regina couldn't deny a small internal stirring from it. The look on Emma's face though had meant just as much. Emma was not a master of masking her emotions and as she examined her gift there was a mixture of joy, gratitude, and overall excitement that Regina found to be quite endearing.
Yes, she had missed Emma these last few days. Yes, her sleep had been chaotic at best since Emma was gone, but could it be as simple as missing Emma here in their bed?
When Emma had left to take her bath, Regina had gotten ready for bed with that feeling of dread still in her because of the magic. What she had done that morning was unlike the magic she had done before. This was the first time she had been able to look at her magic, feel it in such a concentrated form. Normally it happened so fast she never got such an opportunity. She had felt a sort of glee over holding that fire in her hand.
Then the reality of what she had done and the idea of what could have happened crept into her. She realized part of what had upset her was that it had happened there in their common room. And if Emma had been there …
She had married Emma to keep her alive, to keep her safe in a way. She had married Emma to save her life. She didn't expect she would care for her.
Regina rolled back over to face Emma, knowing her wife wasn't asleep, and she almost smiled when Emma immediately rolled over to face her.
"Is something wrong, did I …" Emma started to say.
"You didn't do anything wrong," Regina interrupted. "It's just … I too didn't sleep well while you were away. At first, I shrugged it off because you know my sleep isn't always restful. A part of me wanted that to be the reason, but the truth is I missed you too. I may have even missed the part of you that seems to find some way every night to move in my direction and come in contact with me."
She could see the grin on Emma's face. "Is that your way of saying you don't mind if I hold you?" Emma clarified.
"I'm merely saying that your nocturnal movements are probably mostly out of your control and so I wouldn't hold it against you if that continued," Regina said, although she was sure Emma could see her smile. "Now I am tired and I am going to roll back over and attempt to sleep."
She rolled over and there was barely a pause before Emma scooted closer and wrapped an arm around Regina, pulling their bodies closer together. Regina smiled again before closing her eyes.