Chapter 1: Of Sues and Rangers
I awoke unceremoniously to find myself lying on my back next to a sputtering campfire. My head hurt. A lot. I lay there staring at the stone ceiling for several minutes before I carefully sat up. On cue, a surge of dizziness hit my head with the force of a tidal wave. Everything darkened for five seconds before it gradually became lighter again.
"Ow," I moaned. Alerted by the noise, one of the rangers came in with a steaming bowl of beef stew.
"Hungry?" she asked cheerfully. She was a little on the short side, with short red hair and a broad smile on her face. She couldn't have been older than eighteen, which made me wonder why all the rangers seemed to be so young.
"I'm Hazel," the ranger said brightly. I smiled politely.
"I'm…" I stopped and thought about my aliases. It wasn't that I didn't want to share my real name; I just thought they would have too much trouble pronouncing it.
"Rana Avari," I said at last with a little nod of my head. Hazel smiled and shook my hand warmly.
"Here's your stew. It's very good, Brynne made it. She's a good cook." I slurped the concoction greedily and listened as Hazel explained all about Brynne and her amazing hunting and cooking skills. I can't say the subject fascinated me. Once I had finished my soup, Hazel looked a tad disappointed. I got the impression that she didn't have much of a chance to talk without being interrupted.
"Well," she sighed, "I suppose you had better come and meet everyone else. We were a bit worried when you tried to attack Kai's horse, but we're confident it was just a fever or the shock." I shook my head and opened my mouth to argue that I was not trying to attack the horse, but I was rudely cut off. The last remaining teen girl, whom I assumed was Brynne, rushed in breathlessly.
"We caught something in the woods, we need some help restraining it," she panted, her chocolate colored hair askew from running.
"What about our guest?" Hazel stammered. Brynne didn't even glance at me.
"What about her?" she asked. I crossed my arms and snorted. Such insolence! Hazel pursed her lips disapprovingly and followed Brynne out. I thought about staying put but couldn't resist the urge to tag along, so I did. No one noticed.
At the entrance to the cave I was nearly blinded by the brilliant sunlight. I had forgotten there was no pollution in Middle-earth, so the sky was unusually clear and the air was clean. I took a nice long breath of it and refrained from sighing. I could get used to this. A bloodcurdling shriek drew me from my thoughts. Down the slope leading up to the caves, all four rangers were half dragging, half carrying a screaming, kicking, sobbing woman. I stared mutely at this scene until I realized what was wrong with this picture. I screeched and ran towards them.
"A SUE! A SUE! FLEE FOR YOUR LIVES!" I hollered, waving my arms wildly and almost falling flat on my face. They all stared at me like I was crazy. Well, ehem, that has always been something open for debate, but at the moment I was perfectly sane. Sort of.
"What in the name of Ilúvatar is a Sue?" Kai asked me as she struggled with holding the Mary-Sue. Poor Kai seemed exceptionally flustered, with her black hair almost completely out of its neat ponytail and smudges of dirt on her face. I made a mental note not to upset her within the next week.
"What is a Sue? A Mary-Sue? THEY'VE COME TO KILL US ALL!" I shouted in terror and frustration. The rangers stopped and looked at each other.
"Exactly who is this person?" Kai asked Hazel in pure exasperation. The redhead chuckled softly.
"Rana Avari is her name, but she seemed perfectly normal when I fed her. I swear I don't know why she's acting so strange all of a sudden…" That did it. I stumbled the rest of the way down to them and put my hands on my hips.
"You just don't get it! She's a Sue, the filthiest spawn of Morgoth ever to walk Middle-earth, obsessed with her self-image and potential destroyer of all. Do not underestimate the power of the Mary-Sue!" I panted. Brynne and the only male ranger exchanged looks.
"You've lost us," Kai pointed out. I ran my fingers through my hair and breathed slowly.
"Just look at her!" I said, waving a hand at the Sue. All the rangers looked down at her. She had ceased screaming and kicking and head decided to stick with sobbing. She was tall and thin; her hair was long and a perfect shade of golden blonde. Fat, shiny tears were dripping onto the ground as they streamed down her cheeks. Her eyes were not red and puffy as would be natural, but huge and a vivid shade of turquoise with tiny flecks of darker blue here and there. Her chest was so big it was sick, and she was wearing skimpy leather armor.
"I'm Amy-Bliss Eleniel Elessar Elfstone Undomiel," she said in an innocent tone, "I'm Aragorn's daughter and soon-to-be wife of Legolas Greenleaf! Where's Rivendale?" Brynne wrinkled her nose in disgust.
"Rivendale? Aragorn's daughter? Legolas's betrothed?" she scoffed, "I wasn't aware that the king had a daughter yet, much less that Lord Legolas was engaged." I rolled my eyes.
"I'm just impressed she managed to pronounce any of her names right." The teenage boy and Hazel laughed but were silenced by a stern look from Kai.
"Let's get this wench into the caves. We have cages in the back that we use for catching bears, but they'll work nicely for holding this idiot prisoner," she snapped. The Sue's eyes got even bigger before she went limp in a dead faint. I might have doubled over laughing if I wasn't already hurtling up the hill. My turning up in Middle-earth was bad enough, but having to deal with Sues would be horrible.