A/N: I am rather disappointed. Out of all the hits I got on the story I only got one review, and that was from a friend. I will not update if I don't know what people think!
I won't bore you with the details of my long trek from Eregion to Minas Tirith. We didn't get ambushed by orcs or captured by Elves or anything because, frankly, we just looked too insane. Who wants to kidnap a deranged teen who is clinging to an old mare? Don't answer that. Anyway, when we did reach Minas Tirith, the guards just sat back and gave me a weird look. Honestly, you'd think they'd never seen a girl on horseback before.
"Excuse me," I said to the nearest sentinel when I trotted up to the gates, "I really need to talk to King Aragorn." Dead silence for ten seconds. Then the guards started laughing.
"Be gone, foul vagabond, and trouble us no further," the leader said when he had regained his composure. I allowed myself a good sizzle before I started again.
"Let me rephrase that: if I can't see the king right now, he's going to die and the whole of Middle-earth will be destroyed by a darkness greater than anything Mordor ever achieved." That got my point across. The sentinels politely dragged me up to the courtroom and tossed me unceremoniously before the feet of Aragorn himself. Cursing the guards and their incompetence, I picked myself up and dusted off my jeans. That drew attention to my "outlandish" attire. I admit, jeans and a black t-shirt are not the best choice of clothing. I tried to ignore the stares I was getting and instead looked at the king. He looked a few years older than I had expected, and he looked more weather beaten than is becoming for a monarch, but otherwise I had no trouble recognizing him. I hastily bowed.
"What is it that you need to speak to me about?" Aragorn asked suspiciously. I gulped and glanced around hopefully for a friendly face. I spotted a few familiar characters, but no one looked sympathetic. I bit my lip nervously and cleared my throat.
"My lord, I am but a humble wanderer from a far off land, sent here with a message from the rangers of Eregion," I declared in what I hoped was a commanding tone. Aragorn raised an eyebrow.
"What message?" he inquired sternly.
"Sire, Mary-Sues have been sighted in Eregion." No one spoke and I hoped for a second that they were shocked or appalled. It soon hit me that they simply had no idea what I was talking about.
"A Sue," I continued quickly as the guards gave each other meaningful looks, "Is the darkest spawn of Morgoth, sire. They seek to enslave all of mankind and rule Middle-earth with an iron fist. They take the form of beautiful women to better ensnare men with their enchantments and bind them to their will. They will ruin all if left unchecked." Murmurs rose from the court as my (however insane) words sank in. Aragorn was shaking his head and Faramir, who I noticed was stationed behind the king's throne, was rolling his eyes. I tapped my foot impatiently and crossed my arms.
"We need your help to battle them, my lord," I said sharply. The king looked incredulous.
"I will come and fight!" I heard a voice shout boldly. I jumped a foot and turned to see none other than Arwen striding forward crossly. I could tell immediately that she was pregnant. I nodded my head respectfully and mumbled some sort of greeting. She ignored me and glared at her husband.
"We need to take this seriously, Elessar! These Mary-Sue creatures sound dangerous, and they need to be fought."
"My lady," I hissed softly, "I hope you realize the full extent of their ambitions. The Sues wish to kidnap Lord Legolas and King Elessar and force them to marry one of Sues." Arwen looked royally ticked off now and I could barely contain a smile. We had our funding. Éowyn suddenly appeared from the crowd.
"Girl," she snapped, addressing me, "Do they endanger the throne of Rohan in any way?" I bowed even lower to hide my broad grin.
"In every way, my lady. They would enslave your brother and husband on sight if given the chance." Éowyn turned a lovely shade of red and I backed up a pace. The woman killed the Witch-king, for crying out loud! She's scary when she's angry. I turned and gave Aragorn my best pleading look.
"Absolutely not," he said firmly with a shake of his head. My face fell, but the king wasn't finished yet.
"Arwen, you cannot go in your present state." The queen gave him a look.
"I'm pregnant, Aragorn, not incapable if fighting. I'm not even due for another two months!" she objected stubbornly.
"But what about Eldarion?" the king continued. I frowned softly before I remembered they had a son and at least two daughters. Eldarion was their son, and the eldest.
"He's well taken care of, he won't miss us for a couple weeks," Arwen countered. Éowyn nodded enthusiastically.
"Yes, and Faramir and I will go with you as well," she volunteered, much to the steward's terror.
"We need Legolas," I whispered in Arwen's ear. She raised her eyebrows.
"Why?" she hissed back.
"Bait."
"Ah," Arwen murmured. She raised her voice and explained this to her husband in a regal tone. I honestly can't in good conscience bore you any further with their arguments, as they went on for the next hour. I nearly fell asleep myself, and that's saying something. It turns out our friend the fugitive Elf lord was in fact staying with the royals for a few days. He and Gimli had decided to visit the king and see how bad ruling Gondor was. They were promptly summoned and the situation explained to them. Legolas paled to the point where I thought he was dead. Oddly, he looked exactly the same as he did in the movies. I had always thought he was older and, well, more like Aragorn. Apparently I was wrong. He was still white-blonde, tall, and agile. Gimli was the same too, which made me wonder if Haldir was alive in this one or not.
"I'm going to help them, laddie, and you had best come too," the dwarf said gruffly. He rocks.
"But…but…what exactly am I going to do as bait?" the Elf whined.
"Stand around and look pretty," Arwen offered.
"Attract Sues," added Éowyn with a devilish grin.
"And don't get captured," I put in wryly. If Elves could faint, I think Legolas would have done it just then.