A/N: Thanks to all who reviewed, I'm flattered. Now, onward to the tale!
"Are you sure we have to be bait?" Legolas, Aragorn, and Faramir were getting ready to trek into the forest and help with our clever trap. I rolled my eyes as I handed the Elf prince his cloak. It had been a week since we finally left Minas Tirith. I was really getting bored with the place, but when you're traveling with royalty there's so much red tape to cut through, and arrangements to make, and people to impress, and what not. Not to mention Arwen insisted I got some "proper clothes" before we set out. They tried to get me into a dress. A dress! But I resisted them! The ladies of the court had to make due with getting me a white shirt, riding breeches, boots, and a gray cloak. And a short sword. I liked that last addition. Not that I can use a sword at all, but the Sues don't know that.
"Legolas, you whine too much. Shape up and get out there!" I snapped in reply to the Elf's question. He gave me a sullen look and stalked off to complain to Gimli, who was sharpening his axe in a corner of the rangers' cave. At first the rangers had been very flustered to have so much company (royal company, at that!), but after Arwen started helping with the cooking and Éowyn gave us some fencing lessons they all settled down. Except Favian, he would turn scarlet whenever someone asked him a question or said hello. Frankly, I think he was scared of the royals. Speaking of the rangers, they were all waiting for me to hurry up and come help with the trap deeper in the woods.
"Rana, hold this rope," Kai ordered sharply when I cantered up on my mare. I gave her a look of disdain and dismounted. The rangers were working on raising a wooden cage high above the ground. The idea was to drop the cage when the Sue (or Sues) got close enough. I just hoped it would work. Brynne had been supplying us with steady reports of Sues traveling through the forest, sometimes in packs, but usually alone. As a precaution, we were all armed with bows and a quiver full of arrows.
"That should do it!" Hazel declared triumphantly as we yanked the ropes and the cage flew into the air. We secured the ropes to tree branches and got into position in the trees, well out of sight. Favian sprinted off to get the royals.
"What kind of powers can we expect to see from the Sues?" Kai asked me as we settled down on a sturdy branch. I gulped as I glanced at the forest floor ten feet below.
"Ummm," I stammered nervously, "Besides general charmingness? Some of them may have magic." I took a deep breath and crouched on the tree limb, leaning on my bow and staring purposefully at the clearing below. I am terrified of heights. Brynne, who was on a branch near us, asked me a few questions in an effort to keep my mind off my fear. Soon we were silenced as Aragorn, Legolas, and Faramir crept anxiously into the glade. I looked for Éowyn and Arwen and saw them climbing into a nearby fir tree. Éowyn winked at us and smiled. Below us, Legolas was whimpering to himself softly.
"Start talking, guys!" I hissed loudly. The Elf gave me a disapproving look and began on a conversation with Aragorn about how Lothlorien was that time of year in comparison to Mirkwood. Faramir voiced his opinion from time to time. Out of the corner of my eye I saw movement in the bushes. The leaves prevented us from seeing what was making the noise, but they were being careless about keeping their voices down.
"Mine…my own…my precious! We wants Elf!" pined a wobbly female tone. I frowned. That did not sound like a Mary-Sue.
"Like, whatever! I so get Legolas!" came a second melodious voice. That was the Sue. I nodded silently to Kai, who gave Hazel the signal to get ready. We all held our breath as Legolas and the others turned to face the new danger. With a wild shriek two figures bolted from the bushes. Simultaneously, three things happened. One, Hazel and Brynne cut the two ropes holding up the cage. Second, the men and Elf ran away. Thirdly, the cage fell right on top of the two attackers. We all let out a victory whoop and leapt from the branches (except me, I sort of half fell half climbed down). Then with due caution we approached the cage with drawn bows.
"NO!" screamed the Sue woefully, "LEGOLAS, SAVE ME!" The Elf prince in question had a weird look on his face and started forward. I smacked him over the back of the head.
"Snap out of it," I murmured. He gave me a bewildered look and backed away.
"Who are you?" Arwen asked the Sue as she waltzed over with her hands on her hips. The Sue sobbed and stared at the men with large fluorescent purple eyes, which were rivaled only by her ridiculously long and thick eyelashes. Her hair was perfectly combed and layered, black with an oily sheen. She was shorter than Legolas by a few inches, thin to the point of being anorexic, with curves in all the right places and a heart-shaped face. With disgust we noticed her armor, which was more like a swimsuit than any sort of proper protection, was skimpy and laughable. Even I could have gutted her without any problem (and the idea was getting better and better every second).
"Who am I?" the Sue replied to Arwen incredulously, "I'm Helinniel Móreadhiel Silvereye! I'm the most beautiful woman in Middle-earth. I'm Elrond's long-lost daughter. I'm destined to marry Legolas. But," she added with a diabolical glint in her already glowing eyes, "I get to have Aragorn too!" She dissolved into a peal of giggles.
"FIEND!" Aragorn bellowed, "Dare you insult my beloved so?" He placed a protective arm around Arwen's shoulders and she beamed at him. Legolas, on the other hand, looked sick to his stomach. Gimli took out his axe threateningly and probably would have sliced the wench's head of had Brynne not placed a hand on his shoulder.
"We need her alive, to interrogate," she said with an unpleasant smile towards HMS. I perked up at the word "interrogate".
"Precious?" I asked hopefully, "Does we get to play musical interrogation rooms?" Everyone stared at me blankly and I grinned sheepishly.
"PRECIOUS! WE NEEDS IT!" screeched another voice. We all turned to stare at the remaining prisoner. In the ruckus we had forgotten her. She looked to be a year or so older than me, with tangled brown hair and wild gray eyes. She wasn't that thin, or pretty, or tall, or anything special like that. Normal was the closest word to what I was thinking. Yet, obviously, she was insane.
"Who are you?" I asked skeptically.
"NO TALK! Give us Elf, my precious," she cooed, abruptly changing her tone, "We luffs it, oh yes we does my love! Give Orlando to Ellie!" I raised an eyebrow.
"Ellie, is it? Well, Orlando isn't here, and you can't have Legolas, so cool it." Meanwhile, everyone was asking each other whom this Orlando character was. I hadn't the heart to explain it to them.
"What is she? A form of Sue?" asked Éowyn as I stepped away from the cage.
"No, I think she's a fan girl."
"A what?"
"A fan girl. They're obsessed with Orlando – I mean with Legolas. Sometimes with Dom – erm, Meriadoc – or Pippin, or Aragorn, your husband, your brother, Boromir…"
"I get the picture," Éowyn sighed in annoyance. Faramir came over and kissed his wife on the forehead.
"Don't worry, no Sue will ever make me turn against you," he comforted softly. I discreetly walked away and allowed them their moment. Kai and the others were huddled together making plans for transporting the villains back to the cave.
"We could build a giant wooden rabbit!" I offered randomly. I got furious looks from all parties and shut up. They haggled for a few minutes while I threw in random comments before they decided to just tie the Sue and fan girl up and march them back to camp. The Sue started sobbing almost immediately.
"NO! This is all wrong!" she shrieked as Brynne bound her hands and started half-dragging her to the cave. I noticed the fiend's eyes were no longer purple but a watery shade of gray-blue.
"Oh, do shut up," I ordered her. Her eyes abruptly changed to violent blood red. I backed up a pace at this demonic sight.
"Legolas is mine!" she cried furiously (yet her voice miraculously remained melodious). I could have sworn smoke was coming out of her ears. I recoiled and stared at her. Brynne, conveniently, hit her over the head and sent the Sue senseless. Say that five times fast. Hazel came over and helped drag her away. Meanwhile, the fan girl was putting up a fight.
"Orlando! Orlando! We wants it!" she bawled as Kai and Arwen held her and Éowyn tied her up. I just shook my head sadly at the thought that this…thing…was once a human like me. I suppose I shouldn't think about it too much, I have the tendency to pity villains when I think about their life story. Bad habit, and one that fortunately never surfaced in the entire history of my liking Lord of the Rings.
Anyway, when we got back to camp, after setting up the Sue-trap once more, we got down to the business of deciding what to do with the Sues.
A/N: Hiya! Hope you enjoyed it; more chapters shall come, but only after PotC2.
Dom: HELP!
Me: Oh yes, everyone meet my pet Dominic.
D: She's insane!
M: What's in your head, boy?
D: See! She quotes stuff constantly!
M: And?
D: Umm, you're insane!
M: Yes, we know that one. Anything else?
D: I give up.