The Sues and fan girl were nicely settled in their little cages when Kai, Brynne, and I entered. The Sue we caught earlier, Amy-Bliss, looked up and frowned at us darkly. It did not improve her looks. Ellie, the rabid fan girl, was rocking back and forth in her corner, whispering to herself and shooting everyone angry glares. Fortunately for her, I had talked the rangers out of interrogating her on the grounds that her answers would be either cryptic or the ramblings of an insane teenager. We decided to focus our efforts on HMS, as we had decided to call her. She was pretending to be sleeping peacefully in her cell, greasy black hair spilling over her shoulders dramatically. When Kai unlocked the cage door her eyes snapped open (once more violet, as I noticed) and stared innocently at us. No groggy waking process for her, no sir! HMS peered hopefully past us as if expecting Legolas any second now, but he was in therapy right now and couldn't be disturbed (no pun intended).
"Oh, you are most cruel captors!" HMS cried when she saw her "beloved" was not coming.
"Cruel?" snapped Brynne, "You had steak and rice for dinner last night!" The Sue wrinkled her nose in disgust.
"Do you, like, know how many carbs are in that? Eww!" she exclaimed in a girlish way. With effort I resisted the temptation to puke all over her.
"Never mind the carbohydrates," Kai replied, "We have questions for you." HMS's attitude changed in a flash. She lifted her chin stubbornly and gave us all hateful looks that would have made Legolas faint. Of course, the mere mention of a Sue would make Legolas faint, so scratch that last bit.
"I will tell you nothing!" she sniffed.
"Nothing about what?" Brynne inquired strategically. HMS paused to think for thirty seconds before answering.
"About whatever you'll be asking me about."
"How do you know what we'll be asking?" Kai asked. The Sue was now flustered as her minimal brain cells were overworked. It was my cue. I pulled a pair of nail-clippers and scissors from my pockets and brandished them with a cackle.
"Tell us how you got here or I'll cut you nails!" I threatened. HMS looked horrified.
"You wouldn't!" she gasped, wringing her hands and staring at her neon-pink manicured nails.
"I'll cut them as short as mine, so help me!" I waggled my grubby fingers in front of her face. She screamed as if I'd stuck a poisonous snake under her nose.
"All right, all right!" she screeched, "I'll tell you." I backed off and stuck my tools back in my pockets. The Sue struggled to compose herself.
"There's a magic portal that I stepped through. Before, I was a princess in Rivendale, and I was sooo way hotter than Arwen! Legolas is my betrothed, but I love Aragorn too. He's so hot!" she sighed dreamily. Brynne pressured her for more details about this portal, but the more she asked the vaguer the answers were. I began to think perhaps the whole thing was made up. After an hour of learning nothing except that the portal was "shiny, round, greenish-purple-pinkish-blue-red-rainbow colored, and magical", we decided to give it up. As a parting blow I turned and glared at HMS.
"Listen closely, Sue. Legolas hates your guts, Aragorn loves Arwen, and you're so insanely ugly that I'm shocked you don't realize it. Snap out of whatever spell you're under and get it through your head that you are a Mary-Sue!" I snarled. HMS looked shocked, hurt, and disbelieving at once before she dropped into a dead faint. Curious, I slipped back into her cell and checked her pulse. There was none.
"Rana, I think you killed it," Kai commented in surprise. Repulsed, I bolted out of the cell and hid behind Brynne.
"Is it dead?" I asked tentatively as Kai checked for signs of life.
"Pretty much," the ranger replied lightly. She smiled reassuringly at me.
"Well, that's one way to get rid of them."
Later, around the cheerful campfire, embossed stories of my Sue-slaying enterprises were spread like wildfire. My ego prevented me from contradicting even the most ridiculous ones. My favorites were that I stabbed the Sue to death in defense of Kai, that I angered the Sue so much that she exploded, and that I challenged the Sue to a duel and beat her despite her insane fencing abilities. Soon enough Brynne put the stories to right. She ruins everything!
Next day, however, it was back to our gruesome task of capturing Sues. We set the trap the same as before, using a now sound Legolas and his friends as bait. Gimli grumbled about missing all the action, but Arwen reassured him that he would get to slay Sues yet. So, perched precariously in the trees, we waited.
For half an hour we sat in silence while the bait talked to each other in loud voices. Nothing. No soft reply, no rustling leaves, no hushed voices. It worried me, since surprise attacks were possible and not unheard of. Soon, however, my fears were put to rest. Loud sobbing could be heard getting closer. Suddenly, the elf and men leapt back and screamed for Brynne to drop the cage. With a loud crash it came down and trapped the Sue that had appeared out of nowhere. Blasted teleporting wenches! Hazel was the first to approach the cage, but she leapt back.
"What manner of Sue is this?" By now I had made my way to the ground and had come up to the cage. I raised my eyebrows. The Sue inside was tall, thin, and beautiful, as is normal, but she was different. She had long black hair and crimson eyes. Crimson! She was as pale as death. She had on a black beaded choker, black leather pants, black leather vest (no shirt underneath, I might add), black fishnet sleeves, and generally an all-black gothic appearance. It took me several minutes to figure out what she was.
"There are several types of Sues," I began to explain to the others, "There's your standard Legolas or Aragorn obsessed types with no special powers besides unrealistic beauty, there's your gorgeous Elf types with magical abilities, and, my personal favorite, the angst types. This is an angsty Sue." There were general murmurs of understanding before we turned our attention to the Sue before us. She was standing there silently, looking sorrowful and downcast.
"What is your name?" Arwen asked suspiciously. The Sue raised her (still crimson) eyes to stare at her blankly.
"Destiny Ambar," she replied sullenly. I almost scoffed at the double name. Ambar means, basically, destiny in Elvish. Honestly, when was the last time these people took originality pills? Arwen was rolling her eyes.
"What's your purpose in Eregion, Miss Ambar?" I demanded. Destiny sniffed and a fat tear ran down her cheek.
"I'm running away from my life," she whispered mournfully.
"How so? Wouldn't you be dead if you ran away from life?" Hazel wondered aloud. I smiled at her while the Sue stood there dumbfounded. Even in angsty Sues, who were typically smarter than the other kinds, logic was not a strong trait.
"Well…um…" Destiny mumbled sheepishly. Hazel, Éowyn, Arwen, and I could no longer hold back our mirth. I promptly collapsed on the ground, clutching my sides and howling with laughter. Hazel leaned on Éowyn's shoulder and giggled madly. Arwen, despite her attempts to remain dignified, allowed herself a chuckle. The Sue eyed us with contempt as we died laughing. The men and Elf looked uncomfortable. Gimli, however, simply glared at the Sue. I'm sure he had every intention of chopping off her head.
"Now," I panted when I had recovered, "What exactly are you, Miss Ambar?" Destiny jumped sharply upon being addressed.
"Well, I'm, um…well…um…like, a vampire?" she offered hopefully. I raised my eyebrows. I had to admit, she was the closest thing to a vampire I'd ever seen (she had crimson eyes, for crying out loud!).
"Vampire, eh? Whence did you come?" I inquired tactfully.
"Mirkwood," she answered almost shyly. Legolas snorted.
"On my honor, there are no vampires in my kingdom," he vowed. The Sue's eyes lit up when the Elf spoke.
"Legolas, my love!" she cried. Her eyes were huge and a frightening shade of scarlet. I noticed they were very much like a cat's, with the pupils little more than slits in the light. Legolas backed up a pace. Kai took a step closer to the cage.
"Hey, you! Torment Lord Legolas no long-," The ranger-captain was suddenly thrown back. Brynne and Hazel ran to her side, but the rest of us kept our eyes locked on the cage. The light in the clearing seemed to dim, darkening enough to the point where the Sue was no longer visible. There was an odd laugh.
"Legolas," I began nervously, "I think you should keep your knives on hand…" A shiver went down my spine. I've got no magical powers or heightened senses, but it didn't take an Elf to know something bad was going to happen…
You thought I was going to leave you hanging, didn't you? Well, my tale is far from over.
Just as I finished speaking, I felt a cold hand on my shoulder. I whirled, only to find myself face-to-face with the Sue. She looked absolutely terrifying. Her mouth was twisted into a sneer, showing pointed teeth, and her eyes were as blood red as ever. I knew I shouldn't have read so many vampire stories! I squeaked and shrank back.
"Baruk Khazâd! Khazâd ai-mênu!" A screech from the Sue, followed by her hand releasing my shoulder, told me Gimli son of Gloin had joined the fight. I leapt out of the way as the Sue's expression froze and she fell forward, a two-handed battle-axe embedded in her back.
We all stood frozen as the light returned and the aura of foreboding lifted. Legolas looked like he was going to need a lot more therapy. Aragorn and Faramir were dazed from the encounter. Their wives quickly set to work talking them out of their trances. Meanwhile, Gimli stood over the corpse of the Sue and smiled smugly. I just remained where I was, mouth hanging open and eyes the size of dinner plates (to use a cliché or two). I blinked and raised my head to stare at the dwarf.
"My lord Gimli! I may very well owe my life and sanity to you," I stammered. He winked at me kindly.
"No problem at all, lass. I've been itching to slaughter one of these creatures for days." I couldn't resist giving him a hug. Gimli blushed and muttered something inaudible.
"Enough small talk!" Kai barked, once more taking command, "There may be more of them, and we should get back to camp before nightfall."
A/N: Well. Anyway, it is indeed after PotC2, which I highly recommend.
Dom: Despite the –
Me: -clamps hand firmly over hobbit's mouth- SHHH!
Ehem. Expect more updates, but only if you review! I've had more than 200 hits and only a handful of reviews!