Emotions

Chapter 5: Emotions

After spending the night at Vilemyr Inn in Ivarstead, Noela had woken up feeling refreshed, which was good, considering that they had a lot of travelling again to undergo today.

Trying not to grumble, Noela had asked Astrid why they didn't just take horses in order to speed up the travel time. But the Nord's response was that there was no spare horse for Noela at the moment, all the rest being used by their fellow family members for other missions they were undertaking. Noela didn't know if that was true or not, and wondered if there was some other reason they had to take the more tedious way.

By late afternoon they had arrived near the city of Windhelm, but instead of turning right to head toward the city, they turned left to take the path across the icy river and toward Anga's Mill near where the target was.

By evening, they passed through the mill, which stood either side of the main road, and then headed up a steep hill.

Once at the top, there was a small camp. A tent sat on the edge of the icy river, at the top of the falls that dropped spectacularly back down to the bottom of the hill. A campfire was lit between the tent and the water's edge, and Noela briefly stood in awe of the fantastic view.

Back towards the east, she could see Windhelm on the horizon, thin columns of smoke rising from the chimneys, visible even from here. At the bottom of the hill where they had come from, she could see Anga's Mill. The rest of the surroundings was forest, leaning towards a more alpine variety. They were much further to the north now, and the climate was quite different from the warmer temperatures of Falkreath and even Ivarstead.

"It's beautiful, isn't it?" Noela said absentmindedly, staring at the scenery.

"And it's about to get even more beautiful, once you kill him," responded Astrid. She pointed to a man that Noela had not seen sitting by the campfire, the tent obscuring him somewhat from where she stood.

"That's Ennodius Papius?" asked Noela to confirm.

"Yes. He used to be the miller of Anga's Mill. But since, he's spiralled into paranoia, and is now convinced the Dark Brotherhood is after him," smirked Astrid. "And he's right."

Noela gaped at the Nord. "That's kind of cruel."

"And you've a job to do," said Astrid matter-of-factly. "Assassinate him, like we planned. I'll be watching." She gave a wink and strode for a clump of alpine trees to remain out of view of any passers-by.

"As you wish," Noela muttered to herself, and approached the target.

Astrid had asked her to speak to the target this time, as a next-level sort of challenge to one-up the assassination she had just completed. True, she had spoken to Narfi before killing him, but that had not been the plan.

Ennodius Papius was an Imperial, and he stood up as he saw her approach.

"Why are you here? Get away from me!" he said with hostility, perhaps sensing the evil intent of the woman marching towards him.

"You were right to be paranoid, Ennodius," said Noela in an emotionless tone.

The man's eyes narrowed in confusion. "What? What do you mean?" She watched as his expression morphed into one of realisation, and he exclaimed, "Oh! Oh no… No!"

It seemed like he wanted to run away, but his feet wouldn't move. Noela gave him a few seconds to react or to see if he would run away, but when it looked like he was staying put, she decided it was best not to hesitate any further like she had done last night.

She held out her palms, and conjured in a controlled manner, hundreds of tiny icy particles. This was the first time she was attempting this new technique she had thought of, and slowly focused her magicka so that each ice particle began extending upwards in very thin, fine ice needles.

Ennodius peered out from beneath his fingers, his hands placed over his face, and stared with wide eyes at her magic. Noticing that he was watching, Noela turned her palms so that rather than facing upward, they were now facing towards him. Just a little longer and they'd be the perfect size.

Eyes now the size of saucers, Ennodius finally found his feet and began to run away from her, though he was heading right for the river since she was closer to the road.

Once the ice needles had reached their optimum length for precision and speed through the air, Noela fired them off from both palms, hundreds of tiny ice spikes flying straight for the back of the man.

They pierced him within seconds and he collapsed, infinite spots of blood spraying onto the snow in all directions. He was holding himself up on all fours, looking like a ridiculously gruesome porcupine, and she found it strange that he was still able to hold himself up. Perhaps she had missed his vital points.

But it was when he began to keel over and succumb to his injuries that she could see some of the spikes protruding from his chest as well, no doubt having travelled through his back and almost out the other side.

Coughing and spluttering, Ennodius Papius took about ten minutes until he reached his last breath, the light from the campfire illuminating his now dead eyes.

"Fantastic…" Noela heard Astrid say as the Nord emerged somewhere from the shadows. "You pulled it off brilliantly. I've never seen magic quite like that."

Noela turned away from the corpse, her mind seemingly in a daze. "That's—the first time I've tried to manipulate my ice like that." She glanced over her shoulder at Ennodius Papius's body covered in a bloody mess of needles. Half of her wanted to sprint as far away from it as she could, but on the other hand… she couldn't stop looking at it.

Astrid was still gazing at the murder scene. "It's so… perfect," she said. "From the execution to the final image… Ah, your brothers and sisters would so love to see this." She tore her gaze away. "Anyway, Noela, let's find a place to camp for tonight. First thing tomorrow we head for Dawnstar."

The following morning they headed off for the third and final destination of Noela's training.

Beitild, the boss of Iron-Breaker Mine, was her last target, and Noela wanted this assassination to be her best one yet. She was just thinking about how she would do it when Astrid interrupted her thoughts.

"You surprise me, Noela," began the Nord, glancing at her from a little ahead where she took the lead on the snowy mountain path.

Noela looked up questioningly from beneath her hood; since they were venturing into colder temperatures now she had opted to keep it up all the time. "Why?" she asked curiously.

"Because… of the way you kill," Astrid said with a semi-sadistic smile.

"Er—the way I kill?"

"Yes," nodded the Nord. "I knew you had potential when I met you, but I didn't fathom just how… sick, you were."

Noela's mouth dropped open. "What do you mean I'm sick?"

"Hmm," Astrid pondered, looking up at the sky. "I mean that you have a preference for the bloody and the painful, so far as I've witnessed. You like it flashy—but don't get me wrong, I like your style."

She grinned at the mage and Noela still stared at her, her mouth agape. "No…" she uttered, shaking her head. "I think you've got me wrong, Astrid."

"There's no need to deny it sister, it's who you are," her mentor continued in a dark tone. "Why else would you have killed Ennodius Papius in such a long, drawn-out and painful way? You could've put him out of his misery at any time, but you chose not to."

"After I attacked him, I sort of lost track of time and it didn't even occur to me to finish him off," explained Noela adamantly. "I didn't mean to make it slow and painful. I was just aiming for a method that wasn't boring."

"And you succeeded," said Astrid, stepping in closer to her and Noela faintly caught her scent on the wind. "I saw your expression when you killed him. It was like you were caught in a trance, and you didn't break out of it until he'd died. You just admitted it yourself—the fact that you think up interesting ways to kill a person surely says something about you, doesn't it?"

Noela's brow scrunched up in worry, and she bit the inside of her cheek, feeling anxiety beginning to eat at her. She gazed down at her shoes, watching them dig icy paths in the snow.

28 Rain's Hand, 4E203

When they reached their final destination that evening, Astrid made them scout out the area beforehand to determine the conditions they were dealing with. Beitild, the woman in charge of Iron-Breaker Mine was to die tonight; the only problem was, she was in a city bustling with much foot traffic, citizens and guards alike. It also didn't help that the mine was right outside the Jarl's house, which was guarded twenty-four-seven by a single soldier standing beside the front door.

Despite this, Astrid was confident that they'd be able to pull it off. Since the conversation they'd had in the morning, Noela had felt rather down. She wasn't sure if it was what Astrid had said that had upset her somewhat, because usually she did not let other people's words bother her in the slightest.

She was still trying to work it all out in her head when the Nord asked her which method of assassination she was going to use this time around. But where Noela would usually think up something new and interesting, she instead faltered, referring her mentor to instead choose one for her.

Astrid had opened her mouth to suggest something eagerly, but then stopped herself. She insisted that she wanted Noela to do this, and had specifically requested for something even more creative, to 'show her what art truly is'.

Noela exhaled, wondering what in the name of the Gods she was going to do this time. There were just so many people everywhere. True, the sun was going down, and Noela could take the easy way out and just wait till Beitild headed on home before stalking her and once she was asleep, swoop in and do it.

But, she knew Astrid would be severely disappointed in her for doing that. And even if she knew that it was stupid that she had to please the leader in this way, because, really, the woman just wanted to be entertained, a big part of her also wanted to rise to the challenge and do something even better.

It still didn't appease the uneasy feeling she had in the pit of her stomach, but she didn't have time now to dwell on that. A task was at hand, and she had a woman to impress.

"I think I've got a plan," Noela said shortly after they had finished scouting and were now, ironically enough, hiding at the back of the Jarl's Palace since it was right beside a couple of large rocks that offered a good spot to spy on their target without being seen.

"Oh? Do tell," answered Astrid, her eyes alight.

Noela shook her head, a small smile on her lips. "I want this to be a surprise. For you," she added, a strange feeling of bashfulness sweeping over her.

Astrid seemed surprised by that. "My dearest, I gladly accept. I expect nothing less from the likes of you," she responded in her characteristic sultry tone.

The evening sun finally set and as dusk approached, Noela got into position. She had decided that the best spot to do this was right where they had hidden behind the rocks, which gave them a good view of Beitild and one of her workers, an old man who she seemed to enjoy berating and who had spent the last few hours shovelling coal into a smelter that was right outside Iron-Breaker Mine.

Since it was almost dark now, Noela was sure that Beitild and her worker were going to finish work soon. So, she had to act now—she had no idea what the woman's movements would be after that and if she was going to go somewhere crowded like the inn or straight home.

They could wait, but Noela was keen on wrapping this up as soon as possible. Waiting around was not a strength of hers, as she was prone to growing anxious and restless the longer she waited.

She was just waiting for the right second. Mainly, it was citizens on the footpath that was essentially right beside the smelter, and also the guard outside the Jarl's place.

It had probably been a quarter of an hour and the ideal moment had still not come, when the guard finally left his post for one reason or another and entered the palace. The road also happened to be deserted at this time, less and less people wandering round now that it was dark, and Noela quickly moved out of cover, aiming her right palm at the target.

Quickly, she let loose a ball of red magicka, the Illusion spell ripping through the air and toward the unsuspecting woman.

Her worker had his back to them as he was offloading a fresh shovel of coal into the smelter, but Beitild saw the light come.

However, it was too fast, and she couldn't dodge in time, and Noela sighed in relief as her spell hit her square in the chest.

Beitild staggered, her body absorbing the red light immediately. In the next second, her eyes had grown wild, and she swiftly withdrew the pickaxe she had at her belt.

"By Sithis, this is going to be good," Astrid said lowly into Noela's ear as the mage returned back to their hiding spot behind the rocks.

Hands sweating slightly in anticipation, Noela held her breath as she saw Beitild raise the pickaxe and bring it down over the old man's head.

He fell to the ground in an instant, his head wound staining the snow a deep red in the darkening light. Noela couldn't tell if he was dead or just unconscious.

Just then, another citizen appeared around the corner from the side of the city that housed the inn. Noela, knowing how this was going to play out, watched with bated breath as Beitild's eyes landed on the middle-aged woman, who was carrying a basket of unknown goods.

Noela could feel Astrid tense up beside her as Beitild swung the pickaxe again at the unlucky woman, and she fell to the ground with a gash in her stomach, emitting a loud scream at the same time.

With the alarm now in the air, Noela heard shouts and cries in the distance, and within a few moments citizens and guards swarmed the scene, seeing the Frenzied woman and the injured body of her victim at her feet.

It was difficult to see now that there were so many people blocking the target, but there must've been at least four guards now taking Beitild on, and she didn't stand a chance with just a pickaxe; in fact, Noela thought that she had done well to defend herself given that she was now using it as a shield.

But it didn't take long for one of the guard's strikes to hit home. Beitild fell, having been stabbed in the gut, and began bleeding out heavily, a dark pool of blood growing rapidly in size from under her and covering the icy footpath.

The air was still full of confusion, shouting and even crying. A couple of children were at the scene, and one of them was a little girl that was wailing in distraught.

Noela waited for the people to clear somewhat before she could see Beitild properly without the hindrance of bodies moving about, and once she got a clear view it was evident that her target was now dead.

Astrid moved beside her. "It's done," she said with satisfaction. "The last contract is completed."

They crept back to the outskirts of the city where they were not in danger of being overheard.

"Well, Noela, this calls for celebration," she continued once they had stopped. "You also killed an extra two people, which, depending on how you want to see that, is either a bonus or a slip up. I'd consider it the former."

Noela could barely see her face in the dark. "The other two are dead? Are you sure they're not just unconscious?"

"From where they were struck? I'd wager a pretty low chance of survival, even if they did get help. But, that doesn't matter. The point is, you've successfully completed your training, Noela, and I want to celebrate with you. What do you say we go to the inn, somewhere warm and dry with a hearty meal? Even if I am a Nord I'd rather be inside on this night."

Noela stared at her with incredulity. "Are you crazy? We just killed one, or maybe, three people? It'd be insane to go to the inn!"

She was even more surprised when Astrid laughed, "Even more reason to go now, isn't it? No one saw us, no one saw you cast Frenzy, we have zero witnesses. It'd be interesting to hear what the dear old citizens of Dawnstar are discussing tonight, wouldn't it? Likely… amusing."

Noela couldn't believe Astrid. This seemed foolish, and completely unnecessary. "Why don't we just head home now? Why stick around and be in danger of getting caught?"

"Well, it is late and we really do need somewhere to stay for the night, unless you want to sleep in the freezing cold?" Astrid asked reasonably. "And we won't be caught, Noela, I thought you'd have more backbone for this."

Well, now that she had said that…

"It's not a matter of backbone, but you're right, it's really cold, and my Breton blood can't take it much longer," Noela conceded, and they started off toward the inn.

As they stepped over the threshold into Windpeak Inn, Noela began to feel something akin to butterflies in her stomach. They were entering what appeared to be a very crowded inn, as if the entirety of Dawnstar were packed into this one small building.

Astrid held the door open for her as she entered, and as it shut behind them, trapping out the cold and the light snowfall that had now begun, the two Dark Brotherhood assassins gazed about the room at the many patrons either standing around, eating dinner or drinking.

The inn was an explosion of buzzing conversation. Noela was glad to see that nobody had seemed to notice them enter, but that soon turned to anxiety as she began to feel the atmosphere of the room.

There were heated voices, people making exclamations in tones of disbelief and shock, and Noela could distinctly see a number of people who were distraught and some even in tears.

A woman sat in the corner of the room with her child in her arms, who couldn't have been more than five, and though she was trying to console her crying son she herself dabbed at her eyes with a soggy handkerchief that looked like it was no longer of much use.

Another man was keeling over, looking like he wanted to vomit, though he looked more sick than drunk, the lack of any tankard in his hand.

On the opposite side of the room toward the counter was a brown-haired woman in miner's clothes, sobbing loudly to her companion.

And almost every table was occupied with people talking in urgent tones, the air hanging thick and heavy, an unpleasant vibe permeating the entire room.

Noela suddenly felt sick too.

"Shall we get dinner?" Astrid asked her before pointing to an empty table a few feet from them. "There's a spare table there."

Noela nodded vaguely and her mentor made for the counter, presumably to order them some food. Noela headed for the table, and sat down slowly.

She couldn't help looking at all the distressed citizens in the inn.

Words poured into her ears from all over the room, and she didn't know if she'd ever felt sicker.

"Worst day in all of Dawnstar's history."

"Blood on the streets, three people dead."

"Dreadful woman finally cracked it and killed him."

"It was frightful…"

A face moved into her view and Noela blinked, realising that Astrid had returned and was sitting opposite her.

"Are you alright?" the Nord asked. "You look terrible."

Her words sounded so distant to Noela, the mage shook her head but it just pounded heavily. She had a huge migraine.

"I'm uh, not feeling so well," Noela managed to say, her eyes finding it hard to focus on Astrid. "I think I'm going to rest," she said, forcefully getting herself up and staggering through the crowded tables and toward the counter.

"Beitild went crazy!"

"What's the world coming to?"

"Our children are not safe…"

"Can I help you?" asked a man.

Noela leaned against the counter, not realising that she was already at her destination.

The man coughed impatiently.

"I—want a room, please," she said, and haphazardly placed ten coins on the counter.

The buzzing of voices continued in her ears. "Alright, I'll show you to your room," said the innkeeper, and headed for the right side of the inn.

Noela walked slowly after, passing the brown-haired woman who was now being comforted by her friend.

"It's okay, Ignir, you couldn't have done anything…"

The woman cried harder. "If only I had gotten there sooner Beitild wouldn't be dead. I could've stopped her!"

Her friend patted her arm. "Your shift hadn't ended yet…"

"Here we are," said the innkeeper, stopping outside the room nearest the counter. "If you need anything, don't hesitate to ask. I'm sure you've heard the news, haven't you? Not sure anyone's going to get any sleep tonight," he said, shaking his head. "Horrible, and from one of our own. Whoever would've known… Anyway, I'll leave you be."

He handed her the key and returned to the counter. Noela unlocked the room and went in silently, shutting the door behind her.

The piece of wood did little to block the outside noise and the chatter. And the awful sound of the crying woman that had now progressed to a wail.

Staggering toward the bed, Noela collapsed onto it face down, feeling an uncontrollable surge of something foreign rise up within her.

As the noise penetrated the door, she felt her shoulders begin to shake. The uneasy feeling she had felt since the morning had multiplied a hundredfold, and she clapped her hands over her ears so she didn't have to hear anything anymore.

She didn't know what was going on.

Before she knew it, she felt something she hadn't felt in a long time.

The sting and burn of her eyes as water clouded over them, salty liquid spilling out the corners and rolling down her cheeks.

Tears.

Frickin' tears.

Noela wiped them away hastily, feeling anger begin to boil in the pit of her stomach.

This was stupid.

Though, she had no idea what 'this' even was.

Why in the world was she crying?

A thousand images flashed back at her, distinct faces taking turns to swim across the vision of her mind.

The face of each victim.

She trembled as her hands gripped the bed covers tightly.

The face of each of her victims.

She felt her chest burn in synchronicity with the sounds coming from outside, like there was a connection between what she felt, and what the people outside were feeling.

She wasn't daft enough to not understand what was going on.

Somehow… guilt had finally gotten to her.

Noela clenched her fists, and thought back to the morning three days ago, when it had all formally begun. When her training, or rather, her 'killing spree', a more apt way to describe it, had begun.

She had managed to add another three people to the tally of dead bodies she had personally sent to the otherworld—or the Void—as she was meant to call it, and an extra two on top of that. That brought her total to five. And of course with the Khajiit and Grelod, that made seven.

Seven people, that she had killed. Seven citizens.

She knew there was no going back now. She knew, that whatever sins she had committed had now completely barred her from the afterlife of eternal bliss and celebration in Sovngarde, the land she was once promised.

Noela felt her nails dig into her palms as she realised with extreme frustration and regret that she had inadvertently doomed herself to a future in the Void, in the domain of the Dread Lord. That she would serve him for the rest of all eternity.

Never mind that she had saved the world as the Dragonborn. She knew, deep inside, that she had crossed into a world of no return.

She was now, officially, a professional murderer.

Tears continued to leak down Noela's face as it occurred to her that that wasn't even what was truly eating at her. She didn't care about herself enough to give a true rat's ass about where she ended up in her afterlife. If she had cursed her soul to the Void, she'd find a way to survive and endure.

Rather, it was the fact that she now knew the answer to the sole question she had been asking herself. The whole reason she had joined the Dark Brotherhood in the first place.

Her thoughts strayed back to earlier in the morning when this feeling had all begun. That Astrid had described her as 'sick' had somehow really gotten to her, if she was completely honest with herself.

The Nord was correct. Now that Noela finally allowed herself time to reflect back on everything that had happened over the last few days since they had journeyed out from Falkreath... she knew, beyond a doubt, that she was not adverse to it.

To murder, to the fact that she could kill in cold blood, the fact she could take innocent life.

But… was she really a murderer?

Yes, of course she was, she already knew that. The true question was: Did she enjoy it?

Noela gave herself a few moments to think hard about the question, the one question that for some reason, held so much weight for her.

She briefly wondered why she cared.

She didn't think she even deserved to judge herself like she was any other member of the living. She knew since she was a child, that she was not a good person.

Her heart beat behind her ribcage as she pondered, deeply, what the answer was. She sat up on the bed and closed her eyes, thinking. Searching. Feeling. What were her feelings?

As a loud knock on the door rattled her out of her thoughts, the answer came to her like a lightning bolt flash of insight.

She couldn't stop the sudden influx of emotions that without warning, crashed over her and her eyes pooled up once again, the tears flowing out stronger than ever.

She looked up in alarm as the door opened and Astrid walked into the room.