One random Christmas Eve, to my complete and utter surprise, I was walking to the Life Café, one of my new found favorite hangouts in the city I had been living in for four years now, I walked straight into Tom Collins. Being that he was so much taller than me, I didn't recognize him, and I started mumbling some sort of excuse.

"Maureen?"

"COLLINS! Oh my God! What are doing here? God I've missed you so much!"

"I've missed you too! But…oh," his face went dark for a moment, "oh this is bad." I pouted, confused.

"What's bad?"

"Well, you see…I was meeting…"

"Hey Collins! What's up?" Oh no. Not him. No, it couldn't possibly be him. I turned around very slowly, terrified, and leaped out of my skin when I saw that it was, in fact, Roger,

"Maureen? What the fuck?"

"Nice to see you, too."

"But…Collins said…but…"

"I live here now Roger. It was a complete coincidence running into Collins. Chill out."

"You bitch." My breath caught in my throat as old wounds started to bleed again.

"Roger, be nice to the girl." I started to back away from the two, wondering how I could escape, but I didn't want to leave Collins without knowing where he was staying, "Maureen, you will join us, of course," I swallowed hard, not knowing whether I wanted to stay or go, but decided there wasn't much harm in staying. There wasn't much else Roger could say or do that would hurt me. Or so I thought.

"Of course. That would be great." I flashed a big, enthusiastic smile at Collins, who hugged me fiercely. He knew I was hurt and scared. Roger deflated considerably, and held the door open for the two of us. He walked in behind me. We sat down at a table near the window, though I was unsure why, I usually tended towards the corner, and knew well that Roger did as well. But I let it drop.

"So Roger, how have you been? I haven't seen you in ages," I tried to keep it friendly, and he glared at me with the fires of hell in his livid green eyes. I cowered, wanting to crawl under a rock and die.

"Go to Hell." I couldn't hold back the tears any longer, and I lost it then and there. I started sobbing uncontrollably, and Roger just stared at me as if I were an alien. Collins hit him upside the head, and Roger was about to protest, but his eyes went dull, his defenses disintegrated.

"I'm sorry Mo. I just…you cheated on me!"

"Do you think I would've fucking cut myself if I had chosen to fuck someone else? And where do you get off accusing me of being unfaithful! I never cheated on you. I never even flirted with anyone else. You were the only person who meant anything to me!"

"I couldn't take your drama anymore! You stopped caring about me! Everything was always about you! You didn't even care about your fucking brother anymore!" That stung. It was true. Ben had long since forgotten about me, and after Roger left, he wouldn't even look at me anymore. When I moved out, he didn't even say goodbye. Not that my parents did either. They were glad to see me go.

"After you left…my world fell apart…" I said softly, my eyes trying to burn a hole through the table, tears streaming down my face, "I was nothing more than a druggie, alcoholic, anorexic, self-mutilating whore. I felt like nobody cared about me anymore…even though Collins tried…I wouldn't let him in. I didn't let anybody in. I was worthless." Roger's eyes were cold and hard again.

"It's all about you again, isn't it? Well screw you. I'm happy now, and I have a girlfriend. So leave me the fuck alone. I'm not taking you back, no matter what."

"You really don't care about me? You were my first friend, best friend, only friend, boyfriend. If I don't matter to you at all, and we can't even be civil, you must not have been very fucking honest with me. Roger, I have known you forever! I helped you make it through your father's abuse! I cared about you! And you cannot tell me that you never felt anything towards me. You didn't let me die! YOU SHOULD HAVE LET ME DIE YOU FUCKING BASTARD! If you weren't going to love me, I didn't need to live. Why must you torture me? It isn't funny. It isn't fair. How can I atone?"

"Are you okay?" He looked slightly concerned because I was a screaming, sobbing mess, though I could tell he was partially mocking me for being so dramatic, even though every word that I said was true.

"You have the nerve to ask me that? I want to be your friend again. Nothing more. What do I have to do? Please, I'll do anything! I need you back. I have no one…I have nowhere to go, nothing."

"Well, this won't forgive the harsh feelings, or the hurt, but I will try to be your friend. I suppose a relationship like ours can't end like that."

"Of course not. We were always there for each other, and then you ran away. You always ran away…from problems, I mean."

"Okay. You can come over to the loft, and meet my roommate and my girlfriend, as long as you are nice. If they like you, I have no choice but to forgive you."

"If not?"

"Let's decide if that happens."

"Roger, you said that you weren't ever going to leave me, that I was stupid to think that you would leave me, but you did Roger! You abandoned me! You didn't even tell me where you were going, if you were okay! I wanted to die Roger, because I had nothing left to live for!"

"Maureen, I wasn't running away from you. I was running away from my parents. Before I found you, my parents had a huge fight because my father finally caught my mother fucking some slimy guy in their bed. He left. I was looking for comfort, and you were bleeding, and I thought…you were gone, and I didn't know what to do. You scared me. I had to leave before you left me…I figured you were a time bomb, and inevitably you would succeed at killing yourself, or else you would fuck some loser like my mother did."

"But Roger…you didn't…honey, I…didn't know. We should've talked about it. You hurt me more deeply than anyone could ever hurt me."

"I was too young and stupid and scared to think rationally. But I did make sure that Collins made sure that you didn't kill yourself. Of course I didn't tell him where I was going, either, but I had to get out of there, though. I'm sorry…" Collins made his presence known again but interjecting,

"Oh to be young and in love…" Roger and I looked at each other, still capable of communicating wordlessly after all those years, and assaulted him…or, a-salt-ed him, shaking salt all over him. I proclaimed,

"A scholarly man deserves a scholarly joke." I was just glad that the mood had lightened/

"Hey! You guys!" Roger chuckled. It made me sad. I had missed him, and the only reason I had lost him was because I hated myself. Now he had someone else. She was probably smarter than I was, prettier. I hoped I could be her friend. I needed friends.

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I went over to the loft the following morning with Joanne, who still didn't understand why we had to make a visit to see the boho boys and "have a talk". But I didn't want her to know any more than Mark did, so I told her nothing about Roger and I.

"MARK! ROGER! We're here! Open up!" I screamed as I pounded on the door to the loft. After about two minutes or so, Roger opened the door. Tragedy, we had disturbed him and Mimi in their little make out session. Oh how I missed those. Roger was a fucking good kisser. We walked into the loft, and I didn't see Mark.

"Where's Marky?" I heard some rambling and footsteps as he made his appearance with his camera. It was only fitting, given that everyone seemed to be arriving two by two. Of course, just as I was thinking that, Collins and Angel appeared through the still-open loft door.

"Yay! Everybody's here!" Angel was always so positive. You had to love it. She enjoyed "family gatherings", even when they were somewhat uncomfortable, "So, let's get started!" I was suddenly very nervous…

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After we had been sitting in the Life for close to three hours, Collins and Roger took me back to what would become known as the loft for the first time, and I was really nervous. I asked what their roommate was like.

"Well, his name is Mark, and he's really geeky and skinny and pale, with crazy blond hair, and these ridiculous big thick glasses and blue eyes. But you don't see his eyes much because they're always behind that crazy video camera of his. If we had known him in high school, we probably would've laughed at him."

"Oh. He sounds sweet."

"Yeah. Too much for his own good. He needs some action. And self-confidence." Sounds like me at age nine. Before sex, drugs, etc. Roger's really a softy. Wow I've missed him.

"Aww. That's cute." Collins was making sure we still knew he was there. I pouted and puzzled,

"What's cute?"

"You're being nice to one another." We unlinked our arms and leapt back in mock disgust. I hope Roger doesn't do that 'I only talk to Mo in private' thing again…

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I pulled Roger and Collins aside, and we stepped into Roger's bedroom.

"Maureen, what's going on?" Roger looked completely confused.

"Mark and Joanne are getting really curious about when I was in high school, and I noticed Mimi was too…I thought it would be best if we let them know…I don't expect anything to change between us, I just…didn't want to seem overly biased one way or the other, you know what I mean?" Roger sighed.

"I have been dreading this day ever since I first introduced you to Mark and April…"

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"Mark? April? There's someone I want you to meet. She was my best friend in high school." Suddenly I wasn't his girlfriend? Oh yeah. He has someone new. April. As soon as I laid eyes upon her, I knew that she was bad news. Sure I liked her, but she was younger than we were, probably only about eighteen, and she had track marks all the way up her arms, and I thought that I saw some scars on her thighs, but I immediately stopped looking, still wanting to make a good impression. Honestly, I didn't like her because she was a mirror image of myself at the same age. That year…

"Hi Maureen!" April extended her hand to shake mine, and it took me a moment to understand the gesture, "pleasure to meet you! I was always so curious about Roger's past…" Great. I'm going to exist solely through my relationship to Roger. Which he doesn't want me to talk about, judging by the look on his face. Then I saw Mark, standing shyly in the corner, behind his archaic camera.

"Hey Mark!" I exclaimed enthusiastically, extending a hand. He blushed at the attention. Awww, he's adorable. I want one! He shook my hand nervously.

"I…uh…you're…uh…wow. What I mean is--" April interrupted Mark, who was having a hard time figuring out the way that his mouth worked, and getting redder by the moment. Aww. He's just the cutest. He thinks I'm pretty…

"Mark is very happy to meet you, and he thinks that you look stunning." He blushed even more, and was by now the shade of a beet.

"Well, Maureen thinks that Mark is also very lovely, and has beautiful eyes. She is wondering if Mark would like to go out with her sometime." By now I was sure that he was as blushed as he could get, or else I feared his head might explode. Roger shot me a warning look, but I informed him, using my brilliant acting skills, that I wasn't teasing. I really liked him. April went over to Mark and talked to him for a minute. She said to me,

"Mark and April agree that a double date would be fun." By this point, Collins was all but rolling on the floor laughing. I shot him a look, and he tried harder to contain his laughter, but failed just the same. I rolled my eyes. Then Roger glared at me.

"Roger's being a party-pooper!" I announced, sticking my tongue out at him, and April went to sweet talk him. He finally grumbled,

"Roger is ecstatic. He can barely contain his joy." I glared at him, but he looked at me teasingly. We all moved towards the couch, but when Roger passed me, he whispered viciously, "Break his heart and I swear, Maureen Johnson, on the love that I still have for you, that I will slaughter you." I sighed submissively, and rolled my eyes, then hissed back,

"Roger, you broke my heart, remember?"

"Oh yeah, sorry." He grinned, somewhat sheepishly, and I slapped his arm lightly. April came up to me and put her arm around my shoulders,

"Rog, I like her. She's feisty. And Mark, I think she's a keeper." I let out a sigh of relief. Yes! I'm in! Now, I just have to not break poor Marky's heart. Like I could do that! How evil does he think I am?

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"MAUREEN! You're dumping him for another WOMAN! He loves you! You're nothing but a cheap fucking tease. Bitch. I told you not to hurt him. He loves you more than anything else in the world and you cheated? What the fuck is wrong with you?"

"Roger you're just always waiting for me to fuck up. You think it fun when Maureen fucks up her life and everyone else's. You pretend to be mad but you're a fucking hypocrite! You fucked up my life! I loved YOU more than life itself. You never care until it affects YOU. If you're the one leaving, you have no problem. You didn't even tell me that you were leaving. BASTARD you have no right!" I left the loft, sobbing. If he hadn't gotten it into my head that I was going to fuck up this relationship, I probably wouldn't have. He dragged all of my expectations of myself down. He made me feel like a dirty whore, a cheap whore—what I had become after he broke my heart, after he killed me.

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"Roger you have got to stop shooting up! It's so bad for you—look, you look like shit! STOP IT! I was messed up in this fucking shit! Don't you remember, you idiot! STOP! This is fucked up. You always told me not to do this, that it would kill me. You don't even want to die, do you? ROGER, come on stop!" I was wrestling with him, trying to get his needle and shit. I couldn't believe that Roger would subject himself to this again. He knew how awful the stuff was—he had made me stop, of course I started up after he left, but that was because I actually had a death wish! He was just shooting up because of this stupid April girl! I loved April like a sister, but she was screwed up, she was exactly what I had been like at age eighteen. So I could see why he was with her, even if he wouldn't admit it. But that scared me too…she would try to kill herself, she would use drugs, she would fuck random strangers. And she was more stubborn than I was. I knew well that we should watch her closely, but Roger wouldn't listen. What if she really did kill herself? What if Roger couldn't save her like he had me? She didn't have someone like Collins physically forcing her to do or not do things. I tried my best to be that for her, but I had jobs, a boyfriend. She was one of my best friends, but at times I felt neglectful…

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"APRIL! Where…oh…ROGER! ROGER! Oh my God, April baby, April…" I fell to the floor beside the bloody tub. So much blood…can't touch…AIDS…why hadn't I paid more attention to her? Every alarm was going off, I knew that she was close to the edge…why didn't I do something? This was all my fault…I pocketed the razor. The one vice I hadn't quite given up…

"Oh my God…APRIL COME BACK! Maureen…help…Mo? Don't leave me…she left me! Why did she leave? WHY?" his sobbing shattered my heart into a million tiny pieces, which all burst into flame. I held him close, held him, my baby…like old times…but his was tragedy. The real love of his life…he wanted to know why he had bothered to save me but let her die, I was convinced…but then, why did he save me? Did he really care…about me?

"Shh Roger, I'm not going anywhere. I'm here…you know I'm here. I'm right here."

"I fucked up Mo. I screwed up big time…she's dead, she's dead and I have AIDS. She's dead and I'm dying Mo, I'm dying!" He looked desperately into my eyes, his own eyes crazed, pained. The worst I had ever seen them, and I'd been with him through a lot…the closest I've ever seen them to right now was that night when I…when we broke up.