rrrrrrrrMAUREENrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

When we had said our piece, the rest of the group (aside from Collins, of course) looked utterly stunned. We had skipped over some of the details, like how I tried to kill myself—this more our relationship than anything else. I realized that I was hanging onto Roger's hand like a life preserver. I realized that he was in pain, and loosened my grip considerably, looking at him apologetically. He smiled, squeezing my hand reassuringly. It was only then that I realized I had somehow managed to end up in Roger's lap, and quickly jumped up, startled, and ran into the bathroom. I stood there, pacing, leering at myself in the mirror. Stupid, stupid, stupid. You always have to fuck up your own life, don't you? Worthless, ugly, stupid whore! What's wrong with you? You can't love him! He's moved on—you've moved on. Crazy bitch. I was fingering the shiny metal blade that had been in my pocket—the one that April had used. I had washed it off after I pocketed it that day. I had told myself that it was because I didn't want Roger to find it, but I knew in my mind that wasn't the reason. The next thing I knew I was staring down at my wrists in disbelief, watching the warm trickles steadily proceeding from the long slits.

"MAUREEN! OPEN THE FUCKING DOOR!" Roger? He sounds scared. Oh shit. I didn't want to scare him…I can't do this to him. No, wait, he doesn't love me…or does he?

"Roger?" I was surprised at how quiet and timid my voice sounded. I was crying, I realized as my tears mixed with blood. I opened the door just a crack, only wanting Roger to see me like this, because he knew about this awful habit. Or did he think I had gotten over this? Regardless, I need him. I saw that nobody else had moved, and they were chatting in a low whisper, I couldn't make out what they were saying, but figured they were talking about me. Mimi saw me open the door and let Roger in, and she looked confused. God I hope she doesn't think that I'm fucking him…

"Oh my God, Maureen." The fear in his eyes terrified me, and hurt me. His voice was quiet, cracking. He slid down to the floor, his face suddenly very pale, remembering April, I assumed. I turned away from him; I couldn't bear to look him in the eye, though I was already sobbing now, unable to remain standing, barely able to breathe. I felt him grab my hand, prying the blade out of my fingers, throwing it down on the floor.

"I'm…sorry Roger…I…I can't…I…oh I don't…know…what's…wrong…with me…" He pulled me over him, so I sat across his lap, gripping me as tightly as he could so that I couldn't get away. He grabbed a towel, pressing it tightly into both of my wrists to try to get the bleeding to subside.

"Mo…there's something I've been meaning to ask you…" his voice was gentle, and very cautious, not wanting to pry, or to push me. I wiped my eyes with the heels of my hands, smudging mascara all over my face. He smiled lightly, "Hey. Let me do that." I laughed through my tears as he used his thumbs to wipe my eyes.

"Yeah? What…would that be?"

"That last night…when we…had that fight? You were keeping something from me. What was it?" I couldn't breathe—the world seemed to be closing in on me—I started shaking uncontrollably. What the fuck? This has never happened before…I couldn't move. "Maureen? Oh my God, Maureen, are you okay?" I couldn't respond, and the panic I felt found its way to his face. I tried to nod, but I knew I was obviously not. "Honey…breathe. Just breathe through it…this will pass." After several minutes, when I could breathe normally again, he looked into my eyes again. "You don't have to tell me if it's too painful. I don't have a right to ask things like that after what I did to you." No—don't let him say that! He has to know! You have to tell him!

"Rog?" My voice was hoarse, forced. "I should tell you…no, I have to tell you. I was scared…and I didn't want you to get mad or freaked out or…I don't know…but…I had…er…I got…you…I…" I took a deep breath, bracing myself. "I was pregnant." His body froze, and I started to move away from him, scared, but he stopped me with one of his arms, pulling me back. He looked at me questioningly.

"Pregnant?" His voice faltered, tears flowing freely from his eyes for the first time that I could remember. I put my hand in his hair, searching his eyes for the reason for his pain. He thinks he should've stayed; we should've kept it…he wants to know more.

"It was a girl…I…her name is Elsie…born July fourteenth…she's so beautiful…or she was, anyway…I haven't seen her since then…I kept in contact with the people who adopted her…" Regret overcame me, tears of longing spilling over as I collapsed onto his chest. Is this all we ever do? Fall apart? Keep secrets? Do things we regret? Keep repeating the cycle?

"She's…eight…then?" I blinked, surprised at his reaction.

"Yeah. I guess so…"

"Can we…I mean…see her?" I sighed, thinking about the complicated situation of her guardians. They hadn't technically adopted her, but they were looking after her—my father's sister, the lesbian one that didn't fit into the family, who was only eight years older than me. She, having put up one of her own children for adoption, didn't want me to do that. She had said if I didn't ever want to see her again it was fine, as I had only met her once (even though she only lived about twenty minutes away), but my parents, who hated adoption, thought it the better alternative. My aunt now lived with my grandmother, a wise woman, though I never went to visit her anyway, only ten minutes from my parents' house.

"Yeah. If you want to…well, I mean, I didn't exactly put her up for adoption…my grandmother…" I didn't really want to go back there, to face the beautiful child that I had left behind. But if he wanted to go, I would probably have to come along. Why is my life so complicated?

"Let's go."

"Now?"

"Yeah."

"What about--?"

"Mimi and Joanne?"

"Yeah."

"Do you want them to come?"

"Well…no…I mean, unless you--"

"No." He smiled at me, feeling the old love that we had tried to fight for such a long time bubble over to the surface again. It felt nice. I could tell that we were both grateful for this little connection. But still I didn't know if I liked the way this was playing out, despite my secret desire to have Roger back. Even if we could never be together, at least she would be there, but would that be a good thing? I want to bring her back…raise her…my baby. I've missed so much…Roger began to wipe the blood from my arms, suggesting I wear long sleeves, forgetting that all of my clothes were at my apartment. I washed my puffy, tearstained, and makeup smeared face, and tried to make myself presentable (which is harder than it sounds, especially in the absence of makeup, as my purse was in the common room). I looked at his jeans, the bloodstains that I had put there.

"I'm sorry about that, hon—Roger." He raised an eyebrow in amusement as I blushed. He kissed my forehead, and went to change his pants. I emerged from the bathroom slowly to the bewildered stares of the rest of the group. Collins came up to me, pulling me aside from the rest of the group, looking me over.

"What the hell just happened in there? What were you crying about? And what's with the blood?" I spotted a few spots of blood on my jeans, near my knees, where I had rested my wrists when slitting them. He grabbed my wrists roughly, examining them, his face fell when he saw that his suspicions were right. Damn. I hate hurting people. He whispered to me, "Why did you do it this time?"

"Because…I can't have him." I lowered my eyes, taking an interest in the messy floor, my fingernails, anything but his eyes. He leaned over, and whispered in my ear,

"Y'all belong together. I have never doubted that. It was foolish for him to leave you. It broke my heart when he stayed with April, even though I was happy that you were with Mark because I worried about him, I knew that you two were so different. That and I sensed it was rebounding. And Joanne—I love her. We all do. But you were just trying to get Roger's attention, weren't you? Trying to tell him that he couldn't have you anymore, that he waited too long?" Oh…wow. That is what I was doing, isn't it? Damn it Collins, why are you so smart? I suddenly remembered that Collins knew about Elsie, since he had been the only one there through all of it—he had convinced me to stop my reckless behavior until she was born.

"Collins…I told him about--"

"Elsie. I figured. Are y'all going to visit?" At that precise moment, Roger emerged.

"Hey Mo! Ready to go?" He looked at Collins, knowing full well that Collins was in on our little secret.

"Hey, don't worry guys, I kept this secret just as long as Mo did." We looked uncomfortably at each other, and just then the other members of our "family" approached, wanting to know what was going on. Great, what happens now? Roger and I looked at Collins, pleading.

"Roger and Maureen have some things to sort out back at home. To try to put the past behind them, and they need to be alone with each other for a little while." That sounded suspicious so I added,

"And Collins has to come along to. He has to check in on some stuff…" Roger cleared his throat.

"We won't be gone more than a couple of days." The three of us bounded out of the loft, without a single look back from the three of us. We hopped on a train to the nightmare we had tried so hard to escape, but with hope this time.

rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

"Aunt Suzy! Are you here?" Despite all of the time that I had been away, the key was still hidden in the same place—a loose brick behind a small shrubbery. I hadn't even considered it odd that we were showing up out of nowhere after eight years without so much as a phone call of a warning, at nine o'clock at night, nonetheless. A small girl with long, dark curls and big green eyes emerged from the stairway, slowly trudging towards us with a teddy in tow, rubbing her eyes, apparently very sleepy.

"Hey, Els…you probably don't--"

"Mommy?" Oh my God, oh my God. I gulped, trying to hold back tears, but failing.

"Yes, baby. It's me." Roger looked utterly puzzled. I hadn't told him that she had lived with me up until the point that I moved into the loft. I hadn't wanted to give her up, the only piece of Roger that I still had. She was about four when I had relinquished her to Suz. Elsie ran up to me, and then stopped, reaching her arms up to me. I picked her up with a little difficulty, but she was very small for her age, not looking a day older than six.

"Mommy, I didn't think you were ever going to come back…Aunt Suzy said you went far, far away and you wouldn't come back for a really long time…" The little girl in my arms was crying, and I tried to comfort her.

"Shh…honey, I'm here. It's okay. I love you, baby doll. And look who came with me!" She looked nervously at Roger, who was in awe of her beauty, and still hadn't adjusted to being a father. Then she saw Collins.

"Uncle Collins! Mommy, I saw him after you made me stay here in this stupid house. He comes home more than you do." She wriggled out of my arms and jumped on Collins. He would make such a great father…so would Roger. I watched him with my baby, feeling guilty that I hadn't come back to see her more frequently, jealous of the love and enthusiasm that she seemed to have for Collins. But I'm her mommy…it serves you right, Maureen, you selfish bitch. I started to cry, which wasn't that obvious since a few tears were already dropping, but it got harder. Roger took me in his arms, noticing my pain, and rocked me in his arms, as we stood there in the doorway of my aunt and grandmother's house.

"Sweetie pie, where is Aunt Suzy?" It's unusual for the little girl to be alone…I hope.

"Um…she went to go talk to grandma. Uncle Ben got in some trouble I think. But they don't ever tell me anything, Mommy." She wriggled out of Collins' arms and came back to me. I suggested that we sit down and wait for her to come back. I sat beside Roger, and Collins sat in a chair across from the couch. Elsie snuggled into my lap, and we all chuckled at the picture perfect little family scene. Elsie looked a little confused, but laughed with the rest of us, probably wanting to seem more grown up. She was playing with the sleeves of my jacket, and saw my cuts. She started crying, and I was startled, not having realized what she was doing. I quickly pulled my wrist back, restoring the sleeve to its rightful place, then hugged her. She pulled back.

"Baby, what's wrong?"

"Mommy, you have a really bad boo-boo," she sniffled. My heart broke, and I started crying. The girl looked frightened, and in backing away ended up in Roger's lap, which startled her, and she climbed back into my lap. Roger laughed nervously, and took my right hand, squeezing it. Elsie looked up at me apologetically, not really knowing what she had done wrong, "Mommy, I'm sorry. Don't cry. I didn't mean to make you sad." I cried a little harder.

"Oh sweetie, it's not your fault. It just hurts a lot." I knew that my statement was ambiguous and she wouldn't really know what I meant, but I felt good that I wasn't lying to her completely. Then I realized that I had yet to introduce Roger, "Honey, look at this guy over here. Do you know who he is?" She shook her head. "Elsie, this is your daddy." He waved weakly, uncertain what to do.

"But Aunt Suzy said that he ran away and I would never see him!" Roger intervened.

"Aunt Suzy was right—I did run away. But your mommy found me. I didn't even know about you until today."

"Mommy, did you see him before today?"

"Yeah. I brought you back here when I found him."

"How come you didn't tell him about me?" The girl looked more confused than hurt.

"Because he had a different girlfriend and I didn't want to make him sad that he left me."

"But he should feel sad! You are the most nicest, prettiest, bestest lady in the whole world!" I was about to object when Roger cut in.

"I do feel sad. You're right—you're mom is the most amazing person that I have ever met. I never should have left." He was looking deep into my soul when he said this, and I could feel the sincere regret and hurt in his voice. The tiny shards of my shattered heart broke into even smaller pieces.

"So what's gonna happen now?" Her eyes were wide, and I could tell that she was excited to be included in something adult. I kissed her, and then looked into her eyes.

"What do you think should happen next?"

"I think that…"she looked back and forth among us nervously, shyly, "Daddy should leave his other girlfriend and we should all live together." Roger and I locked eyes, both having expected exactly what she had said.

"Honey, Daddy and I are going to go outside and talk for a minute. Go play with Collins, okay?" She hopped off of my lap quite contentedly, and ran over to Collins. I sighed, and led Roger outside. We sat on the stoop, and he dropped his head into his hands. I felt a pang of guilt. "Rog?"

"Yeah Mo?"

"I'm sorry." He lifted his head to look at me.

"For what?"

"I should've told you…"

"In some ways it would've been good to know."

"I should've told you before you left. None of this would be happening…" You wouldn't have gotten AIDS if we stayed together…you wouldn't be dying… At this realization, I broke down yet again.

"It isn't you fault that I got together with April, you know…"

"How did you…"

"The look in your eyes."

"This is precisely why I love you." I kissed him, gently. I forgot he was sick…he looks so well. He may yet have a while until he goes…he looks strong…he is strong. And the disease…it won't really affect me, if we're careful. But he can't leave Mimi. I'm being selfish. We both began speaking at the same instant. I let him go first.

"Mo, do you think that we should get back together?"

"What about Joanne and Mimi?"

"I don't know…I love Mimi, but I have always been in love with you. Whenever I try to write a song about Mimi…I think about your eyes, your song…"

"Let's go over the moon…" I sang gently, remembering that night.

"But, at the same time…you love Joanne, I love Mimi, and we love each other."

"Maybe we could try it…the four of us. You and Mimi and me and Joanne." He looked at me skeptically, then tried another idea on for size.

"Maybe we should just start off slow…visiting her every week or so. We could do that…maybe get everyone used to the idea…we'll have to see what Joanne thinks, and Mimi." Mimi probably won't object. He doesn't want me to feel that Joanne is crazy and ridiculous. She'll probably leave me. Not that a child I had eight years ago has anything to do with me being loyal…

"Roger, you are too perfect. That is exactly what we will do. And we can go from there. Oh, I missed my baby so much…" I can't believe it's been four years already…I missed so much…I wonder what she's good at? What she likes? If she cries a lot? If she loves me, misses me? How badly did I break her heart? How much does she hate me?

"So she was about four when you brought her back here?"

"Yeah…that was a mess. My mother had a cow that day, and I thought she was either going to kill me, or Elsie, or both of us. Thank God for my eccentric lezzie aunt…" Aunt Suzy approached the house as I said this.

"What about your crazy lezzie aunt? What're you doing back here? And who's this?" As I turned to her, I plastered a very phony smile on, putting on my usual mask. She didn't see through it, and I was grateful.

"This is Roger. We came to see our daughter. Collins is in there with her right now."

"You should've called first! Then I would've been able to prepare for your arrival!"

"It was spur of the moment—I finally told him about her." Suzy's face showed a sudden epiphany.

"How'd you find him?"

"One day about four years ago, I ran into him outside of a café." So many things that nobody knows…little details etched into my mind, scenes keep repeating…but so many other little things forgotten…in the end will they really make a difference?

"Oh! You moved in with him."

"Yeah, but we weren't together. I was with his roommate. Now I'm with Joanne." She raised her eyebrow, suppressing laughter.

"You've decided to become a lesbian?"

"Eh, I think I'm bi." Roger cleared his throat--again. I forgot how annoying it is when he does that! "Oh, yeah…we're gonna come by more often now…like every weekend or so. Is that okay?"

"She will love that. You think you might take her to raise her? Eventually? Not to force your hand or anything, but…my workload will likely pick up within the next year, and your Grandmother's health is getting pretty bad…"

"Well, the woman is ninety-two."

"Yeah, well, I'd rather Elsie not watch that decline…" I shuddered at the thought, not wanting to subject her to that.

"Actually, we were thinking about that, but just…after we ease into it. We need to figure out our relationship, and if we'll be together or not, and we have to introduce her to the rest of our little 'family' unit." Suzy looked relieved—the exact way that I felt. Roger looked a little overwhelmed, as we hadn't really decided we were going to bring her to the city with us—we were going to see how the rest of our lives unfolded. We went back into the house, to find Elsie and Collins playing with Barbies. Oh, he needs to have a little girl. Elsie would be so good for all of us…but I bet Joanne would get pissed at me. And Mimi might feel a little weird, I guess. It might break poor Marky's heart even more. But, eventually, I'm sure that they will all love her. Angel will love her to pieces…is it a good idea? Well, no matter what happens from here, I need to be with her…she's my baby. I was not looking forward to telling the others about this…