Authors Note: This chapter is a little complicated, and I'm not quite sure if it makes all that much sense...please review :)
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Saturday, July 16th, 1989—The day that I learned I had a daughter, the day that I met her. Two days after her eighth birthday—how bizarre that she was born on Bastille Day…almost ironic…or will she set us free? The biggest news in my life since I discovered that I had AIDS. But this was good news for a change. And she was beautiful—she had her mother's gorgeous eyes—a hazel that frequently took on an emerald hue. The eyes that I loved to sing about so much. I still can't believe that she is real. That was by far one of the best and scariest days of my life.
When we returned to the loft a couple of days later, everyone was silent, curious. Maureen, who had wanted to tell them right away, had finally given in to my desire to wait a little while. Collins, Angel, Mimi and I headed towards the Life Support meeting right away—and though nobody wanted to mention it, we could all sense Angel's declining health. She and Mimi, though usually so full of energy, would be found every now and then in an uncontrollable coughing fit, which scared the living daylights out of the rest of us. Living daylight…how poetic. We were all trying to ignore the reality of this disease. Nobody wanted to face that death was, in fact, inevitable, and the four of us were on the fast track to nowhere. Maybe I shouldn't have asked Maureen, maybe I shouldn't have gone to see Elsie…I'm going to die…and hurt them both. I don't think that I can stand to leave them again…I shouldn't torture them like that. I can't do this whole father thing. I don't want the child to see what decline due to AIDS is like…hell, I don't want to see what it's like…I've seen the beginnings on other people in the Life Support group…people who have faded away…deadly darkness…I don't want to hurt them. I don't want to die…
"Roger?" We on the way to Life Support, and it became evident to me that I was being asked a question.
"Mmm?" Mimi glared at me.
"You weren't listening, were you?"
"I'm sorry I was…distracted." She rolled her eyes at me, and hit me upside the head. "Ow! What was that for?"
"You were thinking about Maureen, weren't you?"
"Huh? Where did that come from? What the hell are you talking about?"
"You disappear with her for two days and you don't expect me to expect that you were doing something with her? And you won't tell me what it was? What is wrong with you, Roger?" Angel and Collins looked at each other, and I wondered whether Angel knew of Elsie or not. I figured that Collins probably told her—she could keep a secret. And she was a neutral party—she was ever the peacemaker. I turned around to head back to the loft, but Collins stood in front of me, blocking my path.
"Don't do this. Mimi doesn't know…she's jealous. She is, however, taking this better than Joanne is. And you know Mimi. She freaks out for a little bit, but inevitably you guys will get back together. This is the first time that you did something 'wrong'. And once she knows what exactly that something was, she will forgive you."
"I don't know if I can be with her anymore. Especially right now. My head is spinning, and her health is not great. I don't want to leave her—I think that I love her, but…I don't want to watch her die. And I don't want to abandon Maureen again…but at the same time, she's got her own girlfriend too…anyway, you know how we are when we fight. Mimi is going to need some time before she is willing to talk to me objectively, and I need some time to sort out my brain. I just don't think that I can handle her death glares during the group session."
"Alright, then, Roger…just… don't do anything stupid, okay?" I rolled my eyes, and punched him playfully in the side. "DAVIS! That was stupid!" He chased me down the sidewalk and we wrestled a bit. Of course, he won.
"You're right—OW! That was stupid. Now go to your meeting. You'll be late!"
"Catch you later, Rog." As the group headed away, I was torn. I didn't know whether to go back to the loft and wallow in self-pity or go to Maureen. I didn't want to complicate things for her, and I especially didn't want to face the wrath of Joanne. Joanne was probably at work still; it was only the early evening. I should call her. That way, if Joanne picks up, I can hang up. If not, I can ask if we can talk. In person. I headed towards the nearest payphone, which, I realized, was about halfway between my loft and Joanne's place.
"Hello?"
"Maureen?"
"Roger?"
"Yeah. Listen…I really want to talk to you about…stuff. But I don't want to make things more difficult for you or anything…do you want to meet me and…I don't know…take a walk or something?"
"Um…sure. Joanne probably won't be back for a while, so that would be okay."
"Okay. I'll be there soon." I hung up feeling very uncertain, not knowing what I would say to her. Don't hurt her anymore than you already have…don't let her suspect your fears…don't show her. When I finally made it to her apartment, I stood there for a couple of minutes, incapable making myself knock on the door despite the fact that I needed to see her. I inhaled deeply and rapped sharply on the door.
"Come in! It's not locked!" Somehow that's not surprising. I entered the apartment, not seeing Maureen, obviously; otherwise she would've opened the door herself.
"Mo where are you?"
"I'm in the bathroom. I'll be there in a second." What is she doing in there? Should I be concerned? I guess I'll ask her when she comes out…I have to be careful with her. Nobody else sees that she is falling to pieces. Not even Mark. He just thinks that bringing up the past was saddening for her. They can't see that she is depressed…not even Joanne, apparently…she doesn't want them to. All I can do is take care of her…try not to hurt her…but how can I do that? "Ready to go, Rog?" I nodded in response, ushering her out the door, and she actually remembered to lock it for once. That's probably because she's trying to atone for disappearing with me. Maureen must really want things to work out with Joanne…I never really believed that she loved Joanne…or maybe I just didn't want to face the facts.
"Mo…how are you holding up?"
"Well, as you can probably tell by the fact that I locked the door, I am on eggshells around Joanne, trying to do some damage control. I don't really know how much I really love her, but I really don't want to be alone, you know?"
"Collins told me that she reacted worse than Mimi did to this whole ordeal…I'm so sorry to have caused you more pain. I know what you've been going through."
"What are you talking about? I'm fine."
"People who are fine don't slit their wrists. People who are fine don't have panic attacks. You are not fine. I know that nobody else can see it, but I can. The fact that I am the only one who can see through you frightens me. I worry about you, Mo. All the time." She lowered her eyes, and we continued walking in silence. We had made our way to the Life Café, without even realizing where we were going, and sat at a corner table. Only fitting from two such hidden people.
"Roger…I don't think that you have the right to say things like that to me anymore…" I could tell that she didn't mean what she was saying from the pained expression on her face, and the way that she couldn't look me in the eye. She is afraid of getting hurt and seeming vulnerable.
"I'm not going to tell anyone that I am concerned about you, but you need to talk to me. We can keep up the whole façade that we have going on here, but you have to be real with me. What's going on?" She looked into my eyes coldly. It wasn't a look that I was accustomed to receiving from her.
"Why do you even care? Because all of a sudden you have a daughter?" My heart sank at the implication, feeling in my heart that she knew otherwise, but the guilt was overwhelming. I wasn't used to her being angry at me…hurt, yes, but this rage was something completely different. It was as if the façade that we had put on for the rest of the world to hide the pain and longing between us had taken over completely, and whatever it was that we had shared before, and for the past couple of days, was completely a figment of my imagination. Or is she hiding something? I realized that she was looking beyond me, not into my eyes. She's probably glaring at her reflection in the window—this is fake emotion. She's trying to push me away. Should I let her? Wasn't that what I came here to do to her? Neither of us wants to get hurt by this…but what about Elsie? I really want to see her, get to know her.
"Maureen…" I waited until she brought her eyes to mine, "You and I both know that isn't true. And we can sit here with you and your fake rage, or we can talk about this objectively. I don't want to have false pretenses between us anymore—can't we just be honest?"
"I don't think that it was a good idea for us to reconnect like that. It's too painful to know…" her voice trailed off, as if her mask were finally cracking.
"To know what?" Stupid question. She glared at me. To know what we could have had if I hadn't left. If I were a decent human being… "I'm sorry, Mo. You were happy with your life before all of this. I have got to stop fucking stuff up for you." Her gaze softened for a moment, and she opened her mouth, as if to say something, but quickly shut it, and her eyes narrowed.
"Then why do you keep doing it? Why don't you just leave me the fuck alone?"
"It was you idea to tell them about all this shit in the first place!"
"If you hadn't fucking left in the first place, we wouldn't be here, would we! If you had just let me be, we wouldn't have her and…"
"And you would've killed yourself! Would that really have been so much better?"
"YES!" Is that what this is really all about? How much she hates herself?
"Well I couldn't let you do that."
"Why the fuck not? God forbid you should stop tormenting me!"
"BECAUSE I LOVE YOU!" She looked defeated, and countered softly,
"Why do you have to keep complicating my life?" Does it hurt her that we can't be together? She's trying so hard with Joanne…I don't want to jeopardize that. I don't want to cause her any more pain. Her cell phone started to ring. "Pookie? What? Angel? Slow down. Fuck. I'll be right there. Roger? I haven't seen him. He's not at the loft? Oh. Okay, I'll keep and eye out for him. I'll be there in a few, babe." She dropped her head into her hands, and mumbled something to me about Angel being in the hospital.
"Did they say what happened?"
"He…uh…she has some sort of infection—a cold or something. Probably won't die from it…at least not right away…probably won't leave the hospital…"
"Oh God…this is the beginning of the end, isn't it?"
"End of what?"
"Life as we know it…our family…everything." Until it's just her, Mark, and Joanne left. I'm being selfish to want to come back into her life. I'll just hurt her by dying. But who knows how long I've got left? Our problems are on hold now, though…another death. But this time unfair…We rose from the table that we had been sitting at, and I put my arm around her shoulders, keeping her physically as close to me as possible, and she put an arm around my waist. We walked all the way to the hospital in a daze, incapable of speech. Neither of us cried. Before entering the building, we separated. Maureen went to the bathroom, and I fought the urge to follow her, and found Mark, who informed me that we had to sit in the waiting room as they ran a few tests and such. He, Collins, and Joanne were talking in a dull, low whisper, their faces solemn.
"I see you found the note at the loft?" He looked at me dully, not caring to hear the answer, just speaking to keep his mind off of the matter at hand.
"Yeah."
"Where'd you go?"
"I was on a walk. Where's Mimi?"
"Bathroom, I think." Good thing I didn't follow Maureen…I hope Mimi doesn't flip out at her. Joanne spoke next.
"I wonder where Maureen is. She should be here by now." I held my tongue, not wanting to incriminate myself to a slaughtering by an intimidating black lawyer. We sat for a few moments in silence, my gaze wandering to a distraught Collins, who didn't seem to have heard any of our discussion, and I watched him for a few moments, until Maureen waltzed in, seeming to have done a fantastic job of pulling herself together. I know this act all to well…but I don't want to cause a scene. Mimi entered a few minutes later, and wouldn't even look at me. She sat by Collins instead, and they spoke softly. Maureen and I were now the only two people not involved in idle chatter, sitting across from each other now, saying nothing. My eyes wandered to her wrists, which had those damn leather cuffs on them, but despite them, I could still see the very end of what looked like a relatively deep cut, though I couldn't really tell. It was still bleeding a little, which apparently she felt, because she wiped it with her hand, which she in turn wiped discreetly on her black denim pants. She wouldn't look at me, either, her eyes glued to the floor until Joanne sat beside her. They embraced silently, which I could tell was a truce for the present moment. I stood up and walked away, started pacing. Shortly thereafter, a nurse came out and informed us that we could go in to see her.
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What the fuck am I thinking? I didn't want him to think that I was mad at him! I don't want him to hate me. And why am I wallowing in self-pity as everyone else is sitting out there worrying about Angel? I slid the cold metal through my skin, filled with relief as blood started to gather.
"Hope you had a good time with Roger." Fuck. Who is that? Mimi? I hid my wrist behind my back as I spun around to face her.
"What is your problem?"
"That you've been fucking my boyfriend." Yeah, because I fuck everyone and have no sense of boundaries. Glad she thinks so highly of me.
"What the fuck? Mimi, you know I wouldn't do that!"
"You fucked Mark, didn't you? Why else would you have him over at your apartment?"
"Contrary to popular belief, sex is not the only thing that I think about. Stop busting Roger's balls about this, okay?"
"Now why should I do that?"
"There's a good explanation, but this is not the time to be getting into it. You can continue to be petty if you want, but you'll regret it." I was putting my leather cuff back on my wrist behind my back, and as soon as it was secure, I pivoted and left, donning my mask again. I sat on a couch opposite of Roger, not wanting to approach Joanne, being that I didn't want any more drama than necessary, and she had been volatile ever since my visit to Elsie. I didn't want to talk to Roger either, especially after how stupidly I had acted, so I fixed my gaze on the ugly floor tiles. I felt the cushions sink slightly, and raised my eyes to see Joanne sitting beside me. She looked deep into my eyes, sadly, extending her arms to me, and I found my place between them, feeling oddly safe. Being with Roger wouldn't be safe. Joanne may be predictable and boring, but she'll always be there…Roger is unpredictable…he will leave me…he will die. I'm happy to be right where I am…
"You can see her now." I was lifted from my peaceful daze, remembering where I was, and blinked at the nurse who stood before me. I rose absently and started to walk. I felt a hand on my arm steadying me as we neared her room, and turned to see Mark.
"Thanks." I smiled sheepishly. He looked at me blankly for a moment before averting his gaze. I couldn't read him, though I sensed his disdain for my supposed "affair" with Roger, which explained his distance. I stopped for a moment, steadying myself against the wall, slightly out of breath. The rest of the group seemed to be in the same zombie-like state that I had been in, and didn't seem to notice that I had stopped. My heart started beating faster, and I turned to face the wall, not knowing what to do…breathe, just breathe through it. What is going on with me? Panic attacks? What is all of this about? I don't want to be alone…
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We entered Angel's room solemnly, in a daze, but despite the whole ordeal, she was as bright and cheery as ever, insisting that we stop looking like we were attending a funeral, as she was still alive. Each one of us hugged her, and it was then that we realized that Maureen was no longer with us. Where did she go? I want to go find her…oh Lord, where is she? I hope she's okay…but if I go it will complicate things…I looked desperately at Collins, who volunteered to go look for her. I sighed, wanting desperately to go with him, to make sure she was okay. Angel, who sensed my discomfort, nodded to me, indicating that I should go, and I excused myself to the bathroom. When I left the room, a few hundred feet away from the room that Angel was in, I found Collins sitting on the floor besides a very pale looking Maureen, who was having difficulty breathing, her eyes wide, and I could tell that she was scared. I ran over to her quickly and took her hand in mine. From up close, I could see her whole body trembling.
"Deep breaths, Mo. Slow, deep breaths." She was as scared as I had ever seen in my life, clearly not knowing what was happening to her. I knew how to deal with panic attacks because my mother had been an alcoholic, in addition to being a fan of coffee and cigarettes, all three of which contributed, as a doctor had told me once when I had to take her into the hospital, the first time she had a panic attack. The entire time that I had lived at home as a teenager, I had to deal with these horrible outbreaks, but I had learned to be calm through them. She squeezed my hand tightly, and I held her, rubbing her back with my free hand. "Shh honey…you're okay. Everything's alright." After about ten minutes, the attack subsided. It was understood that we were never to speak of this again. I helped her up from the ground, and she stood, a little shaky still, but she assured me that she would be okay. "Maureen, what's going on?"
"Just because you helped me through that doesn't mean you get to ask me that."
"You bitch." If she was going to be petty, I might as well. I couldn't stand to hurt her anymore. While insults weren't exactly harmless, they would put valuable distance between us, which would allow me to stop breaking her heart and complicating her life. It was better not to have her than to have her resent me, or break her heart by getting back together with her and ending up breaking her heart. "Forget I even said anything before. That will make your life simpler, I'm sure. Sorry to have caused you any inconvenience. Go rot in Hell." She looked utterly astounded at what I had said, and even briefly hurt, but she quickly guarded her eyes, shooting back some venomous remark before turning on the heel of her boot and waltzing into Angel's room, Collins following at her heels. I stood there, astounded. What the hell just happened?