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I was smiling as I walked into Angel's room, trying to seem like absolutely nothing had happened, but instead I was breaking apart. How could I have been so stupid? What have I gotten myself into this time? I know that I hurt him…but what if I can't fix it this time? I've never seen him look so cold before…like anything we had between us was gone. But isn't that what I wanted? Otherwise I wouldn't have acted the way that I did…

"Hey Maureen! Come give Angel a hug!" Her warm, cheery voice made me jump, lost as I had become in my bitterness and self-hatred. I gave her a huge hug, lingering in the embrace for a long moment. "Honey, how are you feeling today?" she whispered, so softly that only I could hear her.

"I…I'm a wreck. I just had a panic attack…and I don't know why…and Roger…"

"He really cares about you, honey. The only reason he didn't dash out of here after you was that he didn't want to make a scene again. That would've made things worse." I nodded, and whispered silently in agreement, tears streaming out of my eyes as she held me.

"I really blew it this time, Angel. And we can never be together anyway…" Angel looked me in the eye, and sensing my need for reassurance, my need to just talk to her, asked the others to leave, who looked at each other, puzzled, but Collins herded them out of the room. She patted the spot in the bed beside her, and I crawled up next to her. Her spirit seemed brighter now then ever, despite the fact that her body was slowly dying. I treasured each moment I had with her, and moments alone with her were the most precious.

"Honey…what happened?" I sighed and propped my head on my elbow, so that I could look her in the eyes.

"I don't know…I started pushing him away after we got back, because I realized…that this would just break us down, and cause more pain and regret. And I really don't want to lose Joanne…I can't stand to be alone, and I hate breaking her heart…and more than that I don't want Roger to lose Mimi on my account…they are so good for each other. But I want my Elsie, and she deserves to know her father, although I don't want him to break her heart, too…and he…I…it's so hard thinking about what we could've had if he hadn't…run away. It's my fault…and he wouldn't be sick…and…"

"But what happened out there? I know he went out to find you. And you had a panic attack? Then what?"

"Well…this all started when I went to the Life with him earlier today. I could tell that he was really worried about me, and we were both confused…but he kept trying to get in, and I kept pushing him away…and I said such awful things…and he said he loved me…and I told him…to stop making my life so difficult…and then Joanne called…and then we came here…and I couldn't take it anymore…" I removed the cuffs from my wrists and revealed the deep incisions in my wrists, which were still bleeding since Mimi had interrupted me. Angel drew me into her arms as I sobbed. When I had calmed down, she looked me in the eye.

"Did it surprise you that he told you he loved you?"

"No. I love him too. It's just too complicated for us to love each other. There would be too many casualties."

"So did you two fight in the hallway?"

"Yeah. I was being stupid, and I wouldn't tell him what was wrong…I just kept pushing him away, and finally…he told me to rot in Hell." I was crying steadily by now, and when I wiped my eyes, I streaked blood across my face. Why am I always such a fucking mess? And why the fuck am I making this about myself? She's dying.

"Oh, sweetie. You know that he didn't mean it." She wiped the streaks of blood from my face.

"Yeah, but I don't know if he knows that I didn't mean it. And regardless of how much we love each other, it doesn't change anything. And his relationship with Mimi is volatile, and her health is declining…" I couldn't help myself from completely breaking down as I said this, knowing that my Angel wouldn't be around when Mimi expired. Oh God…this really is the beginning of the end. It's all going to fall apart. Even Roger…it will just be me, Mark and Joanne… "Angel…why do you have leave me? Why do you have to leave us? I'm the bad one…the world needs more people like you…not me."

"Oh honey, don't talk like that. You are worth so much more than you know. The world needs you—Elsie needs you. You hear her calling to you…it haunts you, doesn't it?" I lay there, stunned. "What? I am an Angel." We both laughed, but in my heart I knew that it was the truth. She's my guardian angel…how can she be leaving me? What will we do without her? "Maureen, will you bring her here to see me? I would love to see her before I go." How can she address death so calmly, so casually? How can she not care that she is leaving us here, defenseless? A few renegade tears slid silently down my face as I nodded.

"What are we going to do without you, Angel? How are we going to survive?"

"Nothing ever dies. It only changes. I will be with you always, my baby." I snuggled in closer to her, burying my face in her chest.

"It's not fair! It's not right that we should have you for such a short time! Why must life tempt us with what can never be?" She rubbed my back, consoling me through the questions that couldn't be answered, and her words repeated themselves in my head… "Nothing ever dies…it only changes…"

"Maureen, honey, are you okay?"

"Yeah, I'm fine." I hastily put my leather cuffs back on my wrists, smiling at her sadly, wiped my eyes, kissed her forehead and told her I would be back later, but I was going to let other people see her. She saw through my evasive tactics, but told me it was okay as long as I came back.

"Send Roger in next, would you?" I nodded tentatively, and walked out of the room, pulling myself together.

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"Rog? She wants to see you." I looked her over, her tear-streaked face, a little blood that had somehow made it onto her face, streaks of mascara. I nodded, placed a hand on her shoulder, looking her in the eye gently, and suddenly I knew that we were both pushing each other away, both of us aware. At least for the time being. I whispered to Joanne to take good care of her and be gentle as I exited, and I saw Joanne approach Maureen, who collapsed into her arms, as I left. At least Joanne will treat her well when she needs it. Despite all of their fights, Joanne always knows when Maureen really needs her to be there. Nobody else would suspect that Maureen is a sensitive as she is. I don't even think that Mark quite understands how fragile she is, though I know he still puts her up on that pedestal…

"Roger! How are you?"

"I feel like shit. How is she? Did she do it again? Cut herself?" She patted the spot on the bed beside her, and I sat.

"She did it again. She misses you. You're both scared, and I can't tell you what the best thing to do is, but as long as you both understand why you are putting this distance between you, I think it's all for the best. Things will work out. She just needs to be comforted and reassured…she doesn't know how to handle the reality that you, Mimi and Collins will eventually follow me. I know you aren't even comfortable with it, but you need to spend time with Mimi…and Maureen needs Elsie, more than anyone, and Joanne to reassure her that in the end, she won't be alone."

"We'll never get a second chance, will we?"

"You never know. Don't lose faith. And don't let her slip away. Even if your relationship remains platonic, she needs you, and you need her."

"I feel so guilty…I love Mimi so much, but…Maureen is just…everything I ever wanted and more than I could have imagined possible. I always thought that we belonged together…but I don't want to leave her when I die. Maybe that's why I chose Mimi…I mean, we had chemistry, but it wasn't just that. When I found out that she was dying too... At least we will still have Elsie as our bond. Living proof."

"You need to get to know your daughter. That's important. And you'll find your groove with Maureen eventually. I don't know how it will all unfold, but I know if you have faith in her, she will have faith in you, and everything will fall into place."

"Angel, why do you have to leave? How will we make it without you? Death is too definite." She embraced me, and I knew that I was exactly where I needed to be, and every day happened just the way it had to. I felt her sense of peace, and only wished that Maureen could have, too. I guess I've finally started to come to terms with death. Maybe it's easier when you could be next. When she let me go, I felt profoundly sad, but still somehow at peace. I went back to the waiting room and embraced Mimi, who apologized to me almost immediately. Somehow Angel had sobered us, made our anger disappear, as Joanne held Maureen, and Mimi and I held each other, rocking in the waiting rooms. Collins was with Angel, and Mark was capturing their love on film, so that we could remember it forever.

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"You always said how lucky you were that we were all friends. But it was us, baby, who were the lucky ones." Halloween. Angel's favorite holiday…mine too. I can't believe she's gone…this closed coffin makes it feel all the more unreal…like at any minute she could pop out of it, shouting "Surprise!". But I know it's real. I watched her body slowly break down into nothing…the lesions taking over her body, her eyes dulling, muscles atrophying. She left her body a long time ago…her mental status unstable for the last month or so of her life…we knew she was gone. It's not fair. She was the most amazing person ever to walk the planet…we didn't deserve her. And somehow she always felt privileged that we were her friends. I will never understand that. Roger and I had brought Elsie in to meet Angel a couple of days after she was first put in the hospital, and she fell in love with the little girl. Elsie loved Angel, too, and didn't seem at all to mind the lesions, the decay…she saw Angel as we did. We brought her in at least once a week until Angel's mind started to go. There was no point—Angel was not longer there—it was just and empty shell. Roger and I still weren't comfortable with each other at first, but in private we began to be able to communicate intimately like we used to, though in front of the others it was still rather awkward. Discussing our relationship and how we should go about raising Elsie were uncomfortable topics, which brought out the worst in both of us, since we had hurt each other so badly. We had been really good about only visiting Angel when Joanne and Mimi were elsewhere, but they were still always suspicious. The fact that we would both disappear together for a day or so seemed very suspicious, but none of us could use the extra drama. Collins and even the dying, damaged Angel tried to calm them, talk some sense into them, with little success. Now Roger and Mimi were broken up, as were Joanne and I. Mimi had gone to the yuppie scum…Benny, of all people, simply because he could pay and keep her heat on. What the Hell is Roger thinking, being with this girl?

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"She's in denial!" Joanne was angry and suspicious. I couldn't believe that she would say something like that, something that would destroy Maureen's sanity. Sure, the two of them had broken up due to Maureen's tendency to flirt, but the flirting was innocent. Maureen never cheated…she was loyal. I couldn't believe how little about Maureen Joanne actually knew, considering that Joanne was usually pretty in tune to when Maureen was about to break.

"He's in denial!" Where did that come from? Denial? She left me, and I didn't go after her. She pursued the yuppie scum. She's the one with the problem…

"Wouldn't give an inch when I gave a mile!" That is the most selfish thing I have ever heard! Maureen has been falling to pieces, unable to pull herself together, cutting herself, starving herself, barely able to function, which only Joanne and I knew…I thought that Joanne understood that Maureen was doing the best that she could given the circumstances. How could she say that?

"I gave a mile!" I glared at her, astonished. My God, Mimi. You hooked up with Benny! I'm innocent. You had the affair. With the enemy of Avenue A, no less.

"Gave a mile to who?" Our relationship was always volatile…mostly due to Mimi's fears and addictions. She certainly hadn't tried hard for me—she couldn't even forgive me of an affair that she couldn't prove had happened, because it hadn't…even though I wanted it to. Look at this, Angel hasn't even been physically dead for a week, and already our family is in shambles. I feel for Collins. He has a hard enough time grieving…but all this extra drama will piss him off…making it harder than it should be. Mimi and Joanne are way out of line, acting completely selfish…making this all about their drama instead of remembering and celebrating Angel's life. How could they?

"I'd be happy to die for a taste of what Angel had…someone to love for, unafraid to say I love you…" Selfish bitches.

Author's note: This chapter's a little weird. Review, please. Looking for at least four reviews...preferably.