rrrrrrrrROGERrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
"Your eyes/As we said our goodbyes/Can't get them out of my mind…" It feels awkward singing these words to Mimi…but I at least owe it to her to make her feel that I love her in her last moments of life…even though I can't help but think of Maureen, secretly longing for Mimi to depart, even though she is a dear friend and of course it is sad to watch her go. The words provoke intense emotion…love…heartbreak, and as I look into her eyes, I see Maureen…this has got to be a sin of some sort, but I have tried to hard to love her…
"…And I find I can't hide/From your eyes…" I can feel Maureen's eyes boring a hole in my back, and I know that she can tell this is for her. I think that she resents it. Maybe I should just drop the illusion, let go of my dream of being with her. But she and Joanne aren't on great terms right now…I want to tell Mo that I love her. But now is not the time. Or place.
"…The ones that took me by surprise/The night you came into my life…" That night when we discovered each other…when we connected…when I really saw her for the first time…
"…Where there's moonlight I see your eyes…" Everywhere I go, everything I do…I can't stop thinking of Maureen, even now as I am watching my "girlfriend" die, as I realized that love is not something that can be manufactured…even as I shot up, even as I ran away to Santa Fe, as I wandered among strangers, her eyes followed me…even while I was high…her wounded, fierce voice, her desperation…I saw hurt, anger, disappointment, love…all of her. Her passion, beauty… 'let's go over the moon…'
"…How'd I let you slip away/When I'm longing so to hold you…" Ever since I left her behind, I have longed for her touch, caress. I never meant for things to get so out of hand, I didn't want to get hurt, but my fears were unfounded and I knew it…and because of me, her life and potential have been decimated. Because I was selfish. And now she hurts because I love her…all I want is to hold her in my arms and tell her that everything will be okay, that I am there for her…
"…Now I'd die for one more day/'Cause there's something/I should have told you/Yes there's something/I should have told you…" I hope she can hear me, I hope she can feel me…but I can't bring myself to say that I love Mimi…I can't do it…maybe if I keep repeating, if I keep going on…but I love Maureen. I will always love her, I have always loved her, and nothing will change that. I really wish that I could say the same for Mimi…I keep forgetting about the small issue of her dying…and so I press on, singing to the woman in the corner with her head in her hands, while looking my dying friend in the eyes, choked up over mistakes that I have made, filled with guilt that I can't fathom the seriousness that she is dying…instead I am focused on a completely healthy woman, who is not facing death, and will likely out live most, if not all, of the rest of us…I would give anything to rewind my life back to the night that I ran away, to hold her and soothe her instead of running out, accepting that I wasn't the only one of us with problems. If I could take back all of my harsh words and replace them with encouragement and love…
"…When I looked into your eyes/Why does distance make us wise/You were the song all along…" The love of my life…the end of this song is supposed to be joyful…supposed to bring her back to me…but as I face finality and finally feel the effects of loss and grief beginning to register in my mind, in my heart, I have to focus this on the woman who will not have another moment to make this up…won't have another day, save for a miracle. Regardless of my passion for Maureen, I can't have her feeling that I hate her as she goes…my jealousy over her affair with Benny was strictly and issue because I longed to have an affair with my beloved…but more than that, I wanted to leave Mimi behind and run away with Maureen…oh God…I can't believe I am thinking these things! Think! I have got to change the end of this song…what can I say?
"…And before this song dies/I should tell you I should tell you/I have always loved you/You can see it in my eyes…" God I hope she can't read the reason for my tears, but as the absence of feeling with regard to this tiny, shivering, dying girl is replaced by genuine sorrow that my friend is leaving me, that I couldn't have shown her more love, that I couldn't force myself to care, that I don't know how I can possibly reciprocate the love that she seems to have for me…sorrow for fucking up her life, my life and Maureen's life…none of us happy. I can feel Mimi exuding love as her breaths become more labored…
"…Mimi!" As silence fills the room, her breathing halted, her arm dropping down beside her on the side of the table, limp…her form lifeless, my sorrow overwhelms me, though it is difficult to tell whether I truly felt anything for her, whether that song represented emotion that I had felt even vaguely for her, and the tears continue to slide down my face, my friends move ever closer, Maureen rubs my shoulder, sorrow fills the room, it is somber, and I feel guilty that I am at least in a small way relieved at her passing, that my feeling of loss is nowhere near as great as grief felt by everyone else…or at least that is how it seems…but why is it that when my "girlfriends" pass, I think of Maureen? Was I simply using them to protect her as I tell myself? Pushing her away in order to preserve her life and happiness and potential…but I was also trying to protect myself from hurt…and I was scared at the intensity of my emotions…but why can't I love anyone else? Why don't they compare?
As I lost myself in thought, I considered crossing her arms over her chest, but before I could get my feet to move, her hand moved…how is that possible?
AN- Please review! Nobody reviewed the last chapter...so please do! I would love to hear your thoughts!