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I turned on the water, filling the tub, though mostly turning it on because I wanted the sound of running water to obscure the sound of my crying, and to tell Roger that I wanted to be alone. I stood there, staring at myself in the mirror. What have I become? What had happened to me? I never realized how much of a failure I was in every aspect in my life, how much I have lost sight of everything that mattered? How could I have failed Benji so much? And why do I keep blaming everything on Roger? Surely some of the fault is mine. So many people have gotten hurt…Mimi, Joanne, Roger, Ben, Elsie, Mark, Collins…I hurt everyone that I come in contact with. I know that they love me, or at least most of them do, at least in some small way. I think now I can understand why Roger ran away…he didn't want to keep hurting me, and it must have been so painful to see me struggling, hurting myself and not being able to do anything about it. The water in the tub had risen to a level that satisfied me, so I stripped off my clothes, sliding into the relatively hot water. The loft never had great water heat, but this would suffice. At least I wouldn't freeze. I looked down at the scars on my wrists, and the ones between my thighs, on my chest and stomach…the only new ones on my arms. I'm a mess. What the hell was I thinking doing this? I'm hideous. I slid down in the tub, letting my head slip below the surface of the water. I heard Roger knocking on the door, and surfaced to tell him to go away. I stared up at the chipped, water stained and otherwise hideous looking ceiling above the tub. It's like me…damaged and disgusting. Someone should just put us both out of our misery…I closed my eyes, drifting lightly off to sleep. I didn't know how I could have possibly fallen asleep again, considering how much I had slept the previous night compared to most nights, at least recently. It was not like me at all to be able to sleep through the night.

I was startled awake feeling water enter my nose and mouth, starting to choke on it, unable to bring myself above the surface, unable to scream…oh God…please don't let me die like this…Roger! Oh please, Roger, where are you, I need you…

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I was sitting with Elsie and Mark, who had since woken up, in the living room area, lightly strumming my guitar, talking to her every now and again about the things that interested her, what she had been learning about in school, what she thought of her family (well, Maureen's family, anyway) and other little things…just wanting to get to know my daughter. It had been about forty minutes since I had knocked on the bathroom door, and I was starting to get concerned. I told Mark that I would be right back, and he continued carrying on light conversation with her. The door was locked, as I had expected, but I felt unexplainable fear and panic rising within me. I managed to break the old, rusty lock open, and closed the door quickly, only to find her struggling and flailing in the bathtub, seemingly unable to get herself into a position that would allow her to breathe. She was drowning. I reached into the freezing cold water, pulling her out from within it, laying her out on a towel that I had hastily thrown down, trying to think back to first aid. She was still conscious, and I turned her on her side as she coughed violently, gasping for air. Once she managed to cough up all of the water and breathe normally, she began to shiver violently. I grabbed another towel and wrapped it around her, hugging her close to my body to warm her. I could hear her teeth chattering beside my ear, and rubbed her arms and back until she warmed up.

"Thank you." That was all she said, but she brought her mouth to mine, covering my mouth passionately with hers, pushing up against me. I was confused by this behavior considering how much she had been pushing me away recently, but I reciprocated her emotion, letting her press herself up against me, caressing her naked body the ways that I knew she liked me to, every now and again provoking a guttural moan to escape her lips. After several minutes, we broke apart, both panting.

"Wow. That was…"

"Amazing." Her eyes shone in a way that I hadn't seen since…we had sex in the hospital. I hoped that she had gotten past whatever had been bothering her, though something told me that she hadn't. Maureen dressed herself quickly.

"Maureen…"

"Yeah?"

"Are you okay?"

"What do you mean? Of course I'm okay! You just saved my life, remember?"

"You weren't trying to…were you?"

"No, silly! I fell asleep in the tub."

"Oh that's so much better! Seriously, Maureen…I'm worried about you. You were so quiet on the way home yesterday, and you wouldn't talk to me again this morning. What's wrong?" Her mask slipped off, revealing fear beneath.

"Rog…I don't know what's wrong with me. It's like I can't just be happy…I'm so scared that we're gonna mess her up, that I'm never going to work things out with him…that he's right…I'm just worthless…" I got the impression that something was still bothering her, but I didn't want to press, because that usually led to fights, which led her beating herself up more.

"He was hurt. He doesn't know you. You are not worthless…we're going to make this work. I promise. Whatever it takes." She sighed and allowed me to take her in my arms. "You going to be okay?"

"Yeah. Let's go out there. Maybe we can take her to the park today?"

"I think that would be good." I smiled down at her as she leaned her head back to look up at me. I kissed her forehead and helped her up.

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"Hey Mark, we're gonna take Elsie to the park, so she can see what it's like here…you know, the environment." He looked at me skeptically, and I knew that it was probably one of the worst environments to be raising a child in, but we needed time to get some money together before we could move. I shot him a look. "Do you wanna come with us, you know, do some filming?" He nodded enthusiastically.

"Would you guys mind if, maybe, I film you? Like, together, as a family?"

"That would be great, Mark. Thank you." I hugged him quickly, and Elsie jumped up from where she was seated beside him. I kissed the top of her head and told her to go put her shoes on.

"She's a great kid, Mo. And she really loves you." I sighed.

"I know. It scares me. What if I mess up?" He looked me over, not believing what I was saying.

"Maureen, you are going to be a great mother. And Roger's going to be a great father. Collins and I are always here to help you guys out, and Joanne…well, she'll come around eventually, I'm sure of it. She loves you too much, as a friend I mean, to abandon you. Mimi will come around to. We just need to give them some time. It'll work out." I nodded.

"Thanks, Mark. I needed that." Roger had now emerged from his room, wearing dry clothes being that in his saving me from drowning, I had completely soaked him. We put on our shoes and grabbed our coats, I took Elsie's hand in mine, and we started out walking around the East Village. While the town that Roger and I had grown up in wasn't exactly heaven, the East Village was far scarier and less safe to live in. I mean, even without all of the homeless people and the tent city, it was still plagued with druggies and dealers and every now and again a gang. Elsie seemed completely taken by the venders screaming out, trying to sell things. She was very curious about this new place, the one that, for now, she would call home. She didn't seem frightened, though, for which I was immensely grateful. We would run along randomly, run through the park, skipping, dancing, laughing, singing…it was the most fun that I had had in a long time, and made me realize how incredible being a mother could be, how much I had missed her presence in my life. Roger joined in, and Elsie seemed to be accepting him, he was her dad, and it seemed in this moment that it had always been that way, that she had always known him. Mark was following along, keeping up with us, filming practically everything that we did. Once I even took the camera from him and made him go play with Els and Roger. He went begrudgingly, warning me not to break it, but the three of them were adorable together. Everything seemed perfect, and we were all truly happy. I only hoped that it could stay like this…

AN: Sorry the update took a while.This chapter's a little weird, I think...please tell me your opinion! Input and feedback always welcomed, criticism greatly appreciated! Thanks for reading this! Don't forget to leave a review!