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We returned to the loft around nine that night, after quickly grabbing something to eat at the Life. Miraculously, among the three adults, we managed to come up with exactly the amount that we needed. How the hell are we gonna support this kid? I guess we are both gonna need jobs…I hope that'll bring in enough cash…and I hope Benny stops being such an ass about the rent…
Maureen was sitting on the couch, looking through a newspaper to see if there were any job offerings that she could go out for, not seeming to have much luck given her lack of skills and the apparent lack of need for wedding singers and waitresses around the city. I didn't know how that could even be possible—look at how many restaurants there are! She yawned, her eyelids drooping shut as she lost the battle with sleep. I laughed softly from where I stood in the kitchen area, chatting lightly about the day with Mark. Elsie was sleeping on the couch beside Maureen, where she had been ever since we walked through the door, it seemed, still wearing her coat and shoes. I removed her coat and shoes and tucked her into her bed, kissing her on the forehead and lingering for a moment to watch her.
I went back out into the main area to deal with Maureen. I sat down beside her, causing the couch to sink slightly more, which seemed to startle her, although she didn't wake up fully—her eyes opened briefly and shut again. It was so unlike her to be this tired all the time! She seemed really happy today, and this only served to make me more suspicious that something was bothering her, knowing full well that wearing that happy mask all the time certainly took a lot out of her, having known Maureen for practically my entire life.
I lifted her gently from the couch, tucking her into her bed much in the same way as I had Elsie. It was killing me that Maureen wasn't talking to me about whatever it was that was bothering her, but clearly she thought that she could handle it. Maybe I shouldn't pry…I didn't want her to be made at me, or look like an idiot if it did in fact turn out to be something that she could handle, but given her behavior in the past, and her bad coping mechanisms, it was only natural to worry.
I sat by her window, watching the way that the pale blue moonlight illuminated her well defined features. She is so beautiful…I can't believe that she is truly mine. I'll never let her go…we've been through so much, sacrificed so much to be with one another…this has to work.
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I awoke very early the next morning to see Roger watching me tiredly from my window seat, which caused a faint smile to spread across my lips. The sun wasn't out yet, but I could tell that it was morning. I glanced at the clock to see that it was four thirty.
"What're you doing up this early?" My voice came out even raspier than usual, and I felt a slight soreness in my throat, which caused me to pout. When Roger spoke, his voice sounded very much the same as mine, and I began to worry that he could be getting sick.
"I didn't sleep last night." I frowned, sitting up, now fully awake.
"What's wrong, Rog?"
"Why don't you tell me?" I sensed that he was incensed, although he seemed more concerned and frustrated than angry, which was a good thing, I supposed—at least he probably wouldn't go off on me…I shouldn't think like that. It only happened once, and he said that he wouldn't ever do it again…
"Maureen!" He roared my name with such force that I began to wonder if he really would stand by his promise. I cowered. "I'm sorry Mo…I just…it's so frustrating. I didn't mean to scare you. I just want you to talk to me, that's all." He moved closer to me, and though he demeanor was softer now, I was still unsure if I should trust him or not. Mercifully, at that moment, the phone rang. We screened.
"SPEEEEEEEAK!"
"Um…uh…Maureen? It's Ben. Uh…maybe this isn't the--"
"Hey Ben! What's up?"
"Dad…um…he…uh…"
"What's wrong? Are you okay?" I was beginning to get slightly concerned, though I didn't know what my father could have possibly done, though I wouldn't have ruled anything out…
"I'm fine, but dad's not. He got shot." My heart was in my throat, and I was having difficulty comprehending his words. It was strange to me to be feeling so much pain over this evil man being shot, but it hurt. Not as much as when April or Angel had died by any stretch of the imagination, but around the same as when my grandmother had passed. But I actually liked her…
"Is he…uh…going to be okay?"
"Maureen, he died." Oh my god…
"Do you want me--"
"Please? Can you?"
"Okay…I'll be there as soon as I can."
"I'm at the house. I don't know where mom went."
"Don't worry, sweetie, I'm coming." Roger, who looked even more concerned than previously, which I hadn't even imagined possible, was standing behind me, and I practically slammed into him as I rushed to get my things together.
"Maureen?" Tears were streaming down my face, though I wasn't exactly sure of why. I didn't think it was because of my father's death…maybe because poor Ben was utterly alone through this…and so soon after our grandmother had died.
"My dad…died." I was concerned that he would say something inappropriate, which I assumed was in response to my crying, but I was grateful. He embraced me lovingly, somehow understanding what I needed. Elsie emerged from her bedroom yawning, confused at all the racket so early in the morning, and upon seeing me crying in the arms of Roger, who was trying to soothe me, looked scared and worried.
"Mommy, what happened?" I couldn't seem to remember how to speak, so Roger filled her in, and she came over to me and hugged me. I held her tightly, silently promising to myself never to mistreat her, never wanting her to have to feel the confusion, hurt, anger and hatred that I felt, or for her to be alone when Roger inevitably died…
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I couldn't understand why Mommy was so angry with herself for being upset that her dad died. I mean, I've only known my dad for a little while, but I don't know what I would do if he died…I mean, death is for good…but I guess he was really mean to mommy and he didn't care about her. She keeps saying that she didn't even know him and she lived in his house for the first eighteen years of her life, and she can't understand how he could possibly be her father. Maybe that's because she didn't know him. That makes sense to me. The car ride back to my grandma's house (I guess it belongs to her anyway…) was really long. I didn't really want to go, but I wanted to be with Mommy because I loved her and I wanted to make sure that she knew that. It always scared me when she was sad, but she was being really quiet and kept staring into space. Like, one minute I'd be talking to her, and all of a sudden she'd shake her and apologize, and tell me to repeat my story. After a while, I just gave up and put my head in her lap.
I fell asleep, but I didn't know that I had until I woke up again, when we were there. I looked at Mommy's face, and it looked like she had been crying a lot, and I felt really bad for her, but I didn't know what to do, so I just hugged her, wishing that everything would be okay and she would stop crying, but for some reason it made her cry harder, but she hugged me really tightly, saying that she would never leave me or treat me badly. I didn't understand why she was saying this, but pretended that I did, knowing it was probably just because I was little.
I remember Mommy telling me when I was really little that she never wanted me to grow up, and I remember being so scared of growing up, not wanting to ever get any older. I still am, and I'm so scared that maybe she won't love me if I grow up, kind of like the way my old neighbors threw their dogs out on the street when they weren't cute, fuzzy little puppies anymore. I didn't want to get thrown out. I never told Mommy about this, because I was scared that she would think that I was dumb, or maybe that because I am so little, maybe I didn't understand. I didn't want to look foolish. Instead, I kept acting like the way that I always had when I used to live with Mommy, thinking that maybe when she left it had been because I was growing up, and she didn't want me anymore. I always felt so much younger than everyone else in my class, which was a little bit because I was small for my age, but also because I guess I never learned how to make friends. I didn't really care. I just wanted to be a good little girl so that Mommy would come back. I imagined different ways that it would happen when she came back, every day I would stare at her picture so that I wouldn't forget her face when she came back. I was smarter than everyone else thought I was…I didn't let them know that I liked to read and write, or that I liked learning—especially new words. I thought that would be too grown-up.
Even after I knew that Mommy went to go live with Daddy, I still felt like maybe that wasn't the whole truth…I guess you could say I have and active imagination. Today I wanted to act different, I wanted to be grown-up so that she would tell me what was wrong and I could try to make it better. I wanted her to be happy. Frustrated, I ran up to the door, and when Uncle Ben opened the door, I jumped into his arms. Mommy and Daddy were hugging by the car in the driveway, Mommy was crying and Daddy was rubbing her back and trying to make her calm down. Uncle Ben looked worried about Mom, but he tried not to show it to me. I didn't make a big deal of it. I just wanted everyone to be happy, and for things to settle down. I wondered how Grandma could stand to lose Grandpa. I mean, even though nobody else in the family seemed to like the two of them, I thought they were deeply in love with one another. I wonder how they met and fell in love. I hoped Grandma was going to be okay by herself, especially if Uncle Ben came with us, because I knew that Mom was thinking about that, because she didn't want to force him to stay there. Even though Mommy hated her mom, I couldn't understand how she could possibly not care. I love Mommy more than anyone else in the world, and I would die if anything that awful happened to her…