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When I finally found the strength to separate from Roger, I walked towards the house, seeing my daughter clinging to Ben for dear life. I can't believe that she is so perceptive…Elsie had always been incredible that way, knowing when something was wrong. I'm still convinced that she knew that I was leaving her before I had even decided it myself. She had been sweet about it, too, and sounded very adult. "It's okay, mommy, you have to go. It's gonna be all better someday even though it makes me sad that you are leaving…" Though I was completely distraught, I couldn't help but smile at my little girl's intuition.
"Hey honey, can you leave me and Uncle Ben alone for a while?" She glanced at me, and then nodded slowly.
"I'll just go talk to Dad." She jumped down from his arms, and I tousled her hair as she walked away. I embraced my brother tightly, feeling a rush of emotions that I couldn't quite differentiate running throughout my body, and he held onto me for dear life. I whispered in his ear,
"Sweetie…I'm so sorry you had to go through this…I'm so glad that you called me, I don't want you to have to suffer by yourself." I felt him clutch me a little tighter, which caused tears to spring to my eyes. His body was shaking and convulsing in my arms, which actually relieved me because he had been so long holding back. "Aww, honey…" When he finally pulled away from me, his face was red and splotchy, his eyes bloodshot.
"It was so bizarre…he got shot…two in the morning. Apparently he was…at some…hooker's place…this guy was tailing him…just so happened to also be her pimp or whatever. Apparently there was a plan for assassinating him."
"So Dad fucked over some poor shmoe, then fucked his girl? Un-fucking-believable." Ben nodded, though I could still sense that he was upset that Dad was gone. I cocked my head and was about to ask him about it when he offered,
"I know that it's ridiculous, but I always believed that someday he would come to his senses and be the father that we both wanted so badly, that he would realize the error of his ways. I wanted to get to know him, maybe understand why he did some of the things that he did, but now I'll never know. He was our father, Maureen, for better or worse, don't you feel anything?" I contemplated this for a long moment.
"I guess I'm upset that he died, but…he didn't mean anything to me, really. I don't know. I feel something, I just…maybe it is only because I would be an unfeeling person not to be upset about my father dying, but mostly I feel badly for you…it's so…sad. You've been through so much, I never should have left you, I was supposed to protect you! I failed you." Te anger on his face transformed to a look of utter confusion.
"It wasn't your job to save me…I have never felt let down by you…I mean, you did a few careless things, but…I mean…even through all the shit you did, I still loved you and idolized you, even after the madness before you left. You were always so brave, strong and independent. At the end, I could see that you were in pain, but I didn't know how to cope. I…uh…didn't mean all the shit I said last time. I needed an outlet for my anger. You were right there." I nodded, understanding.
"I know you feel betrayed, though. I could see it in your eyes, in that fury. Even now I can see the hurt, and I'm sorry…and…when you called, I was actually thinking about you. Ever since I left, my having left you behind was really getting to me…it was all I could think about. I was going to call you…and ask…do you want to come with us? Live at the loft? I mean…I don't know how well it'll go over with mom, but she's never even here anyway…but I can't come back here and there is no way that I would be able to live with myself if I left you again." He blinked at me, at first not seeming to have processed what I had asked, but then a slow smile crept across his face.
"You want me to live with you in New York?" I nodded.
"I know it's not the best place to grow up, but for goodness' sake, any place is better than this dump, even a crappy loft in the East Village. It's dangerous and not always comfortable, and there are really trying times, but we have such a supportive network of friends, a real family, if you will. You won't ever find that here." He nodded in utter agreement.
"There is nothing loving or nurturing about this place. And with the money grandma left us, you guys should be pretty well set for a while, not to mention what we almost certainly got from dad." Although my father had never been a good father, he had always been generous with funds, and anytime I really needed money, I could I ask him, I knew. I just wanted to make it on my own. Besides, having extra money tempted me to buy booze and drugs.
"Oh that's right! I had forgotten about that. I'm trying to find a job, but it seems easier said than done. It's not even like my sights are set high—if it pays, I'll do it…well, except prostitution. Been there, done that." He laughed, and the mood seemed completely lightened, although the prospect of speaking to my mother again left a lingering black cloud in the back of my mind…