Important Author's Note: Due to rereading of this story recently, I've decided to add another "story" or part to this "Angst Series" that will better help explain some memories/scenes which are upcoming in later chapters of this story rather than make that story part of this story. I've posted that story on here and it's called "Cats Eyes," and takes place before this series.

Important Author's Note 2: This scene is in italics because it occurs in the PAST. Whenever there is a scene in the past it will be written in italics like this. The difference is this is not a flashback or a dream, which are not written in italics, but this is a scene itself taking place in the past, not a memory someone's thinking of or something from someone's mind. Also, scenes from the past are not necessarily in chronological order, rather in order they need to be introduced which does tend to be in slight chronological order even if they do "jump around", so don't think you missed something if suddenly there's a memory from a year ago and then there's one from a year and a half ago because it's necessary. There will be some kind of mention as to when the scenes take place in each.

11

Drowning

Sad feral eyes starred blankly at the wall before them. They hadn't seen a different sight in nearly an hour and could hardly see the wall itself clearly through the buildup of tears both shed and unshed in her brown eyes, now red rimmed from the storm she was brewing.

Shalimar didn't care. No monsoon could ever hold a candle to the storm she was brewing inside the confines of her own bedroom. With no motivation to get up from the tear soaked mattress she couldn't care less about what was occurring outside her little room of pain she'd been keeping herself cooped up in for a few days now. Maybe more. She'd lost count a while back.

Those sad eyes and broken heart saw no reason to leave her room. There was no longer a bright ray of sunshine she'd met in the hall. No smooth arms that would outstretch for her morning hug she'd come to need more than anything else. No beautiful face to smile back at her when she flashed her own pearly whites. No deep blue eyes that would stare lovingly into her own while wishing her a pleasant morning. In fact, no more pleasant mornings at all and that was hardly motivation to creep from the sorrow of her room. No there was no more happiness in her world.

Emma was more than her best friend, she'd realized. She somehow had made the jump from caring and reliable friend to woman she loved, more than loved. What she had felt, and still felt, for her friend convincingly transcended love. It was unconditional. Unmatchable. Unmistakable. Yes, it was true love in its deepest, purest, most perfect form. She would have gladly died for her if she could have.

The bed sheets seemed ruff against her skin as the feral turned over if for no other reason than to find a dry spot on her bed to cry on as she had begun to stick to the pillow on the other side. She tired to limit her motions as they only heightened the extent to which she could feel the emptiness which lived inside her. Sometimes she would convince herself if it wasn't for that pain she wouldn't even know she was still alive but even that wasn't enough for her at times.

Her face was frozen in its expression day after day. She couldn't even remember the last time she'd smiled, truly smiled, and meant it, but she was sure Emma was somehow involved in putting it on her face. How could she smile now? How could she ever smile again without her broken heart there to remind her she'd never gaze upon one of the psionic's own sweet smiles? How could she even consider allowing herself a moments pleasure or happiness? No, she couldn't, it seemed too selfish, too forgetful of her, and she couldn't forget even if she wanted to.

She remembered the first time Emma made her smile, how wonderful it felt. How even then the psionic had managed to not just make the action occur but somehow it seemed like she'd reached inside the feral, pulling out all the joy and happiness she held within and spread it across the blonde face herself creating a beautifully perfect rainbow smile. No one else even had that effect on her and she didn't anticipate anyone else ever would. That was the first time she'd truly experienced happiness. No, she'd never truly smile again.

A knock came at the door but she was oblivious to it, too far lost in her own grief to allow any outside intrusions. She might have smelled the intruder but a swelled nose from all her crying hindered her senses.

"Shal?" a voice called from the foot of the bed but she couldn't be bothered to turn around. Either that or she just didn't have it in her body for the effort. Either way all that was given was her back.

"Hey, Shal, you alright?" the soft voice called again but still wasn't enough to shake the feral from her land of misery.

A gentle hand ran up Shalimar's thigh and rested on her hip through the denim blue jeans and it finally occurred to her she had a visitor though she didn't so much as flinch at the gesture.

"Go away," she ordered, softly, her weakness which was hardly ever seen was more than apparent in her tone. Of course, the flood of tears pouring from her puffy eyes would also suggest the same.

Brennan watched silently, his heart breaking for his friend. She looked like some wounded animal trapped in the woods and crying out and no matter how hard he tried it wasn't enough to save her from her pain.

"Jesse's makin' dinner would you like something to eat?" he offered hoping she'd agree as he hadn't seen her eat in two days.

Shalimar remained silent, the offer not stirring anything inside her and she couldn't care less about food right now. If she needed anything at all she'd just lean over to her multi colored water bottle, a gift from her beloved Emma, and help herself to a drink, if for no other reason than for ammo for all the tears she would be sure to cry out soon after.

Brennan sat still for a few moments hoping his presence would ease the feral but he was perceptive enough to realize she just wanted to be left alone right now not that that was any different from her usual routine these last few days.

Standing he took one last lingering look at her and headed for the door. He'd come back in to check on her in a while and offer any comfort if she'd have it but knew it wasn't best to push too much in her highly fragile state.

"I'll save you a plate," he said, taping his fingers softly on the door before closing it, entombing the feral with her misery once again.