========= ADVENTURES OF A NINE LEGGED SPIDER =========
by Onkiu!

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Author's Note: This is the third part of who knows how many parts of Chapter Two. Like I said before, this chapter was an unexpected 10,000 words + long, which would make this quite a long two chapter fic.

Also, I felt that it would be too tedious, long and boring for people to read such a long page.

So, Chapter Two has now been separated into 2000 word long sections for easier reading!

Legal Stuff: Please refer to Chapter One - I do not own HxH!
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Onkiu presents:
ADVENTURES OF A NINE LEGGED SPIDER
Chapter Two Pt 3: Kurapika x Undercover x Behind Enemy Lines
A game of pretence.

[Original title: The bouncer x angry young man x clashes]
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Kurapika looked at himself in the mirror, and he found himself absolutely unrecognisable. Long, wavy red hair, luscious and moist red lips, gorgeous outfit, enhanced by his rather silky legs that had been achieved through painful waxing. He was the epitome of beautiful, and he looked like an absolute goddess. He was sure he was more beautiful than most of the plain girls that hung around the nightclub, and he wasn't even a girl!

"I never knew you had it in you," said Senritsu, who looked slightly envious. "Since when did you start cross dressing? You did look a bit feminine before, but you're absolutely gorgeously womanly now!"

I started when I formed a plan to crush the spider.

"But gee, you sure look beautiful," said Basho, blushing, who looked as though he would ask him out soon.

"Wow! Cool, Kurapika! You could be the big sister I never had! Let's go shopping one day together!" Neon seemed to have taken an even greater liking to Kurapika the female than she did to Kurapika the male. "We can buy clothes together!"

"No.. I… that's OK! I'm sure Elisa will be more than happy to!"

For a while now, Kurapika had been observing how Neon behaved, and had based a plan on that. He would pretend to be a beautiful young girl (and seeing that the only beautiful young girl he knew was Neon, he would act like her), and get close to the bouncer. He was pretty sure that he would be unrecognisable, and what kind of warm blooded male would reject such a beautiful girl as himself? Then, he would take him somewhere secluded, and kill him off, just as it had been for Ubogin. Better still; lead him to the spider's lair where he could kill ALL of them off.

"I'm going now," said Kurapika flatly, before Basho could ask him out and Neon could drag him to go shopping.

"Where are you going dressed as a drag queen?" said Senritsu.

"A date," he lied. Basho looked absolutely disappointed.

Senritsu, of course, knew something was wrong.

"No you're not," she whispered in his ear, which took some extra effort considering Kurapika's added height from stilettos. "You're not using this disguise to lure the bouncer, right?"

"Dead right."

"Kurapika, I -!"

He stormed out of his room and tripped on his Eiffel Tower high stilletos. Tonight would be the night. There was no Basho and Senritsu to discourage him, and no Basho and Senritsu to make him more easily recognisable. He would kill him tonight. I mustn't act like myself. I mustn't make myself identifiable. I will blend in and act as much like Neon as possible.

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It was Phinx and Nobunaga's turn to watch over Feitan tonight at the Funky Cows Nightclub. Shizuku and Machi had already given them warnings on how daunting and boring the task ahead would be. Babysitting Feitan. Pah! Too boring, Feitan can look after himself! They had come prepared with everything from playing cards (left by ex-Ryodan member Hisoka) and Junior Scrabble. Much to their surprise, however, the job really wasn't quite as boring as Shizuku and Machi had made it out to be.

"It's really not as boring as they said," said Nobunaga. "The people here are fairly interesting, and goodness… those girls sure are hot. They don't make them like that at Headquarters!"

"They make them more powerful at headquarters." replied Phinx, shuddering at the memory of his encounter when he accidently entering Pakunoda's room while she was changing.

They had watched Feitan for a while. Feitan was so boring. All he did was sit on his stool and stare at the people entering. Nobunaga really could not understand Feitan. There are so many pretty girls here, what's wrong with you, Feitan? What's so interesting about the Pale Ale commercial poster?

"Damnit, this is boring," said Nobunaga after a while. "I take back what I said before. The girls aren't hot anymore when they're so drunk."

"Let's play a game… how about Heads and Tails?" replied Phinx.

"That's the game we play only if we have a fight. How about-"

"Hey look!" Phinx slapped Nobunaga's arm feverishly and pointed in the direction of the door.

At that moment, a very beautiful girl had entered. Long wavy red hair, luscious red lips, she was simply different, otherworldly, ethereal. She radiated a different aura from all the other girls there. Maybe it was because she was truly a goddess, or maybe it was because she wasn't drunk. Gorgeous as she was, she walked in a rather unladylike manner. She had entered the room, swinging her arms wide, cutting a wide path, storming in so hard that it looked as though the heels on her shoes would snap in half at any moment.

"Damnit.. she's beautiful… even if she is a bit manly in her mannerisms." said Phinx.

"At least there'll be something interesting to look at tonight. Such beautiful eye candy."

"Spiders don't fall for beautiful women, or else we would have met our downfall earlier on."

"But we're still warm blooded males."

Phinx and Nobunaga entertained themselves by trying as hard as they could to catch the girl's attention, and seeing who would be more successful. They waved their arms, they shouted her drinks, they tried using 'electrifying' glances. But it all failed.

The only time she ever looked at them was to glare back coolly at them.

"Ooh… feisty." whistled Nobunaga, while maintaining a coy glance at her.

Phinx had decided that it was obviously Nobunaga that she was glaring at. After all, Phinx had decided that he himself was more handsome anyway. What kind of beautiful girl like her would fall for some guy with such droopy eyes and such unkempt hair? He left Nobunaga and made his way to her table. He was going to pick her up. Successfully. Nobunaga was such a hindrance to his love life, such shame, such embarrassment. The girl, whoever she was, seemed less forgetful than Shizuku, had a nicer nose than Pakunoda, and but was certainly as icy as Machi. But what did it matter? She was a goddess!

"Hello, cutie." Phinx seated himself next to her.

"What do you want?" she snapped, glaring at him.

Ignoring the rather cold reception, he continued their conversation. "What's your name? Want a drink? What are you into?"

"That's none of your business," said she.

Phinx was affronted. He had never been talked to like this before, even from fellow spiders. As he sat there, trying to think of a good rebuke –

-she said, "If you have no business here, then get away from me. Your vile manners are making me sick."

Even more affronted, Phinx left, stunned, angry, his manly pride and ego receiving hefty blows and returned to a Nobunaga who was unsympathetic and rolling on the floor, laughing.

"Ahahaha! Rejected! I nearly lost to the waiter… we were wagering on how long you would last with her before you would get rejected! Man, I was so scared you would go over the half minute mark!" said Nobunaga.

To the waiter, he said, "Oi, you owe me three free drinks."

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So it seemed like my disguise worked. Maybe a bit TOO effective. They love me like a frog loves insects. But what's wrong with the bouncer? Is he blind?! Is he human?!

Kurapika had just rejected yet another pickup attempt, this time, by a blond man with a big forehead. Still, the bouncer was yet to make a move on him. He was still sitting stonily on his stool, staring at the Pale Ale poster on the wall near him. He had his hands in his pockets and his feet dangling in the air. He looked rather like a stuffed toy, since his face was so expressionless and he barely moved.

But I was too like myself. I must act like Neon, must act like Neon. Now, what would Neon do? Neon would be squealing up to any cute guy who would buy her some very expensive body parts. On the count of 3, I will run up to the bouncer, and squeal like Neon. I will shake off the real me, Kurapika.

3.... 2.... 1....

"Mr. Bouncerrrrrrrrr!!!" squealed Kurapika, whilst inwardly, he flinched at being such a tart. He also felt slightly stupid, since he didn't know the bouncer's name, and had to resort to something generic. He also felt goosebumps rise to his skin, because his squeal sounded uncannily like Neon's. It was amazing how many reactions his body made to that one statement. Kurapika ran up to Feitan's stool and leapt on top of him, clinging like a cat that just jumped onto the lap of some unsuspecting human. The sudden surprise attack caught Feitan off guard and he fell off his chair, with Kurapika landing on top of him.

"That girl's attacking Feitan!' yelled Phinx, leaping off his chair, ready for action.

"Stop!' said Nobunaga, catching his arm. 'Don't expose ourselves yet!'

They watched the girl hung onto Feitan for dear life. He tried with all his might to fling her off, but it didn't seem to work. She just hung on, refusing to budge, like a piece of dust that refused to be removed. Feitan swung left. The girl hung on, and swung left also. Feitan swung right. The girl was still hanging on, and swung right also. After repeating this process a few times, even the usually very patient torturer was getting quite testy.

'Get off me!' yelled Feitan, which was something he did not always do.

'Nobunaga, don't you think there's something odd about that girl?' said Phinx, observing from the sidelines, torn between helping Feitan or keeping himself unexposed.

'Like what?' said Nobunaga.

'Why would she reject a tall, handsome man like me, and instead, go for a man half her height?'

'I wouldn't know.'

"Maybe she has a thing for Feitan…"

"Not unlikely. I must say, he does have quite a pretty face, unscarred by the battles of the Ryodan. But we need to report this to Sharlnack. Any incident involving Feitan and any non-spider personnel must be reported," said Nobunaga, who had managed to keep his cool, and had whipped out his phone and was dialing Sharlnack's number (listed under the name Shaz, for some funny reason).

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Next Chapter: How will Sharlnack react to this powerful threat - the mighty chain guy with his mighty chains? Let the tension build!