15

Walls

Adam looked up as Shalimar and Emma walked into the lab. Already he could tell something wasn't quite right and he showed himself over to meet them halfway across the room.

"Adam, you think you could take a look at Emma, run some tests on her?" Shalimar asked, escorting the psionic into the chair. "She's been feelin' kinda sick lately."

Emma sighed as she slid herself down fully into the comfortable seat, still clinging to the ferals arm even when seated.

Adam picked up his observation light and began to inspect the psionic's eyes carefully.

"What's the trouble, Emma?"

"I'm nauseous," she explained finally forced to remove her handle on Shalimar's arm as Adam looked her over though grateful the feral wasn't about to stray too far from her. "Not all the time though, and I feel lightheaded and achy. Also, I've been getting these tension headaches and aches, pains, and cramps."

"Hmm, sounds like a bug. I'll run some tests, see what comes up," he assured, stepping back to head over to the computer.

"I'll be right back," Shalimar suddenly informed, reaching out to grace the psionics arm with a comforting caress. "You'll be ok here."

Shalimar smiled as she began to head out of the lab and Emma offered her own half smile as she watched the back of the blonde depart from the room.

As she headed back to her room, Shalimar began to sense a presence getting closer to her on her way down the hall and realized just as she turned the corner it was in fact Lexa making her own way down the hall straight towards her.

Shalimar sighed and continued walking hoping if she didn't stop maybe Lexa wouldn't either and she was relieved when she managed to reach her room without any interruption from the woman. Relieved only for a moment that is, until Lexa's scent caught her attention and she turned to find the molecular standing in her doorway with what Shalimar interpreted as a judgmental look. And boy did she hate being silently judged.

"Are you busy?" Lexa asked when Shalimar failed to acknowledge her and shuffled through her closet.

"Depends. Do you wanna talk or criticize?"

Lexa tried not to take the statement personally knowing it was just Shalimar's way of shooting up her walls whenever she wasn't in the mood for a heart to heart. Almost as if she was being fired upon and had to get the defenses up as quickly as possible to save the shards of her heart from any further pain.

"I want you to tell me what's going on with you," Lexa informed stepping herself into the middle of the feral's room and crossing her arms as if she was determined to hold her ground.

"What do you mean?" Shalimar asked quickly as if to dodge and pass off the question she really didn't feel like answering in the first place.

"Come on, Shal, you know you can trust me. You've confided a lot in me and I don't know what I did or what you think I did that put an end to that but I want you to get over it. I'm your friend and I just wanna help."

"Well, I just want everyone to stop telling me they just wanna help. Guess we're both outta luck."

Shalimar didn't even turn to look at the woman but instead kept her back to her as she continued hunting through her closet.

"Shal-"

"Look, I don't need any help, Lexa. What I need is to be trusted that I know what I'm doing. I'm fine."

"Fine?" Lexa repeated her tone clearly sarcastic and nonbelieving. "Fine for what, Shal? Starring as the poster girl for 'Melancholy of the Month' magazine?"

Shalimar hissed under her breath at the molecular's challenging words but only reiterated hoping her words might sink in if she spoke them enough. Sink in with Lexa and herself.

"I said I'm fine."

"Really? Then why did you make that clone?"

"I had to."

"Why? Weren't you depressed enough after the simulation? You know she's not the real Emma. Ok, I know she's Emma and all but somewhere inside you know she's not the Emma you knew. When that finally sinks in then what? Are you really prepared to deal with that again? Is that really what you want? A fake Emma walking and talking in Sanctuary everyday as a constant reminder the friend you had is gone?"

Shalimar was silent for a moment letting the words sink in and finally took another step towards the woman allowing herself to look her in the eyes for the first time in the conversation.

"Ok I know she might not be my first choice but right now she's all there is. She's all I have and I need to take what I can get right now. Until I can have what I really want she's all I need to help me get through this."

"How? How is she going to help you, Shal? I know you. I know you're going to be hurt and probably sooner than you think. I don't think you should do this to yourself. I don't think you should kill yourself like this."

Kill herself. The words struck the feral. How could she be killing herself when she already considered herself, in more ways than one, dead? She hadn't seen herself or felt herself truly alive since Emma, the real Emma, was around. But since having Emma, the clone Emma, back in her life it seemed less gloomy. Sure, it wasn't as bright as it was when Emma was walking those halls but it was something. And besides, she knew this was just for now. She had other plans which would make it all worth while. Until then she had to do something to keep going.

"I'm not killing myself, Lexa. If anything I'm keeping myself alive."

"What you mean that clone is your life support system or something?"

"Yes. She might not be my first choice but she's more than close enough and when you're in the dessert and you're dying, you have no water, you can't be picky. You'll take anything, any puddle until you can find your oasis."

"And that clone is your puddle?" Lexa asked hardly believing she was even making the weird analogy.

"Something like that. Not my first choice but it keeps me alive just a little longer."

"Oh pack your emotional baggage already, Shal. We're all here to help you, you don't need that clone. You don't need to carry all this by yourself."

Feeling through with her explanation Shalimar set the outfit she'd removed on the bed and left the room heading back to the lab.

Lexa was eager to follow as her conversation with the feral had only raised more questions.

"Shalimar, you can't ignore the truth. You're going to get hurt. Looking at it is going to start to hurt," Lexa reminded, a little louder than she should've as the two approached the lab and she followed the feral into the room stopping however to lean in the doorway.

Emma, who was a wonderful eavesdropper, looked up from the chair while trying to remain motionless and gave the molecular a look to signify she didn't much appreciate her tone.

"Can you please not call me 'it', I'm not a desk lamp," she informed, glaring at the brunette once more before turning her eyes back to Shalimar's, the one place she could always find love and understanding. The one place she felt secure, confident, welcome, wanted, and loved.

Shalimar moved beside the psionic, as close as she could get without being in the way of the scans Adam was running and let out a sigh before speaking.

"Emma, this is Lexa," she introduced. "She's another molecular. And, Lexa, this is Emma. She's a psionic. She was a member of Mutant X… has been a member for a couple years," Shalimar corrected herself stating the mostly obvious to each of them.

"Hi," Lexa finally answered, almost forced, and it was more than obvious to the intuitive psionic.

"Hi," Emma responded being sure not to smile when she said the words.

"Anyway, Shalimar," Lexa continued, "we're almost ready to head out on a recon mission. You in?"

Shalimar turned to Emma in a pause as if she had to ask permission and truthfully Emma didn't want the feral to leave but wouldn't think of asking her to stay on her account.

"I think I'm gonna stick around here a little longer," Shalimar informed noticing the vague smile on Emma's face at her words.

"Alright, Emma, I'll look over the results of your med scans and get back to you shortly," Adam informed and Emma hopped up from her seat as soon as he was through with his sentence, more than relieved to leave the lab and equally Lexa's presence.

"Why don't you come lie back down," Shalimar suggested, the idea sounding more than appealing to the achy psionic who nodded and followed the feral happily from the room.

"So," Lexa began when she was sure the women were out of earshot. "Did you get anything on that transmission signal yet?"

"Not yet," Adam replied. "I'm still working on it."

"Well, I still think it'd be wise to keep an eye on that clone. Shalimar clearly has some blind spot for her or something."

Not wanting to agree nor disagree with her accusations Adam simply looked up before speaking.

"I'll check in with you when you get back. Be careful," he warned.

"Yeah. You too."

Emma stood at the ferals bedside changing into the more comfortable outfit Shalimar had laid out for her, memories, more like flashes, of times she'd worn the loose pants and white top coming to her mind as she changed.

"So what did you and Lexa talk about?" Emma asked trying not to sound too prying as she slipped the very smooth and loose fitting pants on over her shoeless feet and pulled them the length of her bare thighs to rest atop the line of her white undies.

"Nothing much really," the feral answered continuing to light the candles atop her dresser with the lighter.

"Hmm. Well, she seems…" Emma paused searching for the right word. "Interesting."

"Depends on how you look at her. So did you like her?"

"Not really," Emma answered quickly with a hint of a joke in her voice though the statement wasn't entirely false.

Shalimar grinned as she lit the last candle on her bureau, and turned to face the psionic hoping her eyes didn't widen too much as she came face to face with the now topless though still bra bearing red head, the sight itself brightening up the room more than the candles were as far as Shalimar could tell.

Emma pulled the shirt over her head and climbed onto the mattress before her, turning down the sheet so she might slide herself underneath.

Shalimar showed herself over to the bed and sat herself Indian style in the same manner as Emma was beside her.

"Emma, something on your mind?" she questioned inching herself a few more centimeters towards the woman allowing their knees to rest gently against one another.

"It's just," Emma started but immediately stopped not knowing how to begin, how to give voice to all she was feeling. For a psionic sometimes it still felt nearly impossible to express her own feelings. "Just being here I kinda feel like, I don't know kinda, left out."

"Left out?"

"Not around you really just…everyone else. Seeing Lexa and watching you guys all working together as a team it's like…you don't need me anymore. Like I've been replaced. I know it sounds stupid and I know it's probably not true but I can't help feeling it. Especially from Lexa. I can tell she doesn't like me very much. I don't even have to be a psionic to read those signals."

"Emma," Shalimar began, reaching out to place a hand on her shoulder and another on the knee resting against her own. "We didn't replace you. We could never replace you," the feral softly explained, pausing before continuing. "I could never replace you."

"I know it's just…remember how you felt when Nikki came back? It's kinda like that. Like I'm not one of the group or as much in the circle as I used to be anymore. Like you're all just fine without me."

Shalimar smiled slightly and the action only further confused the psionic.

"What?" she asked wondering why pouring her heart out was making her feral friend smile.

"I see you're getting more of your memories back."

"Emma's memories," the psionic softly stated.

"Your memories," Shalimar corrected surely.

"But they're not. That's why they look at me the way they do. Everything I remember never even happened to me. Not to this mind. Not to this body. This scar on my inner arm doesn't belong to me," Emma said lifting her free arm to show the tiny and barely noticeable circular scar on the underside of her forearm. "This scar was just created by the doctor to mirror what I used to look like. I never fell when I was seven bike riding to get that scar. None of it happened to me."

"Yes it did. That might not have happened to this body, but it happened to you. You're Emma DeLauro and you're more than needed here. Just give it some time and you'll see. I promise."

Emma thought for a moment before allowing just a hint of a smile to come to her own face as it occurred to her the feral was right. She was feeling more like…herself.

"Emma, I don't want you to feel left out," Shalimar convinced and without even realizing it the hand gripping the psionic's knee was venturing upwards to clasp Emma's hand in her own and she squeezed it as if to confirm her statement. "You're more than needed here," Shalimar reemphasized wanting to be certain she left no doubt in her friend's mind. "And I haven't been fine without you," Shalimar said settling on the generalized statement rather than get into what a train wreck she'd seen herself become since she'd been gone.

Emma allowed a smile to grace her full lips at her friends' words letting herself believe them and forgetting about Lexa's feelings for a moment in favor of Shalimar's much more desirable ones.

"Look, I have a couple more of your outfits and those are some of your candles on the dresser over there. You already know the other stuff that's yours. If you want we can get you your own room again just like you used to have. You know you can pick out an empty room and Emma it up," Shalimar offered knowing deep down she didn't want Emma to leave her room at all but thought having her own room in their new Sanctuary might help her feel more like she belonged and she could certainly relate to how feeling like she didn't belong felt.

Emma smiled appreciating the ferals gesture, glad she had at least one friend who'd always look out for her and she clenched the ferals hand in her own.

"Thanks, but I think I'd rather stay here, for now at least. I mean if that's ok with you," Emma replied already feeling sided enough she didn't feel any need to have her own room and be even more alone in it. Besides, Shalimar's friendship and comfort was much better when up close and personal and how much more personal could she get than sharing her bed with the feral. As far as she could remember she'd always enjoyed it and still did which wasn't at all hard for her to understand.

Shalimar's smile widened and she leaned the few inches between them to clasp the psionic in a warm and friendly hug. It was more than ok, it was perfect.

"You know you don't even have to ask," she reassured, smiling back into bright blue eyes as their embrace was broken.

"Actually," Emma spoke softly and unsurely, lowering her gaze to the small visible spot of mattress between her crossed legs then to their touching knees, and she cleared her throat dramatically before continuing. "There is something I've been wanting to ask you. I know it's probably not the best time but…I just…I was wondering…" Emma took a breath contemplating her decision pondering if she really ought to bring the topic up just yet. "I just wanted to ask if you could get me a drink of water. I think I'm feeling sick again," she covered, removing her hand from Shalimar's and reclining back against the head board.

Shalimar sighed and stood from the bed knowing that wasn't what Emma was going to say and knowing it was going to nag inside her mind until the psionic came clean with her about whatever she was dealing with.

Shalimar walked slowly over to the door giving Emma enough time to change her mind and ask what she really wanted to but she just remained silent until the feral returned shortly handing her a colorful water bottle still cold from being in the fridge.

Taking the pretty plastic container, Emma helped herself to a cool drink before setting it down on the nightstand and stretching her legs out under the covers to lie fully down. She must've jinxed herself with her earlier words as now she actually was beginning to feel sick again as well as achy and soon enough her arms and legs were feeling like pin cushions and the stiffness in her back had returned to it's unwelcome position.

"I guess I'll let you get some rest," Shalimar said not wanting to leave her presence but preferring what was best for Emma more than her own desires and she headed back over to the door.

"Hey," Emma called getting the feral to turn her head back around as she was stepping from the room. "Didn't I give you that?" she asked, looking back to the water bottle on the nightstand.

Shalimar smiled at the words and nodded as she replied, "Yeah," and Emma smiled back knowingly as Shalimar left her alone to rest.

After about thirty minutes of moderate training in the dojo Shalimar suddenly found herself getting increasingly aggressive though she couldn't pin point the reason. There was so much going on inside her head and heart that it could've been any one of if not all of a hundred reasons. Whatever it was, her tension was quickly climbing through the roof with each passing second and she struck the punching bag harder with each thrust to accommodate it.

Perhaps it was the fact Emma was feeling the way she was that was bothering her. Maybe it was because she was sure the psionic was hiding something from her. Maybe it was everything she was hiding from the psionic. Maybe it was Lexa being more nosey than usual that was playing the strings of her thin nerves. Whatever it was it was doing a great job of heating up her already sweaty body and she fought harder to expel it in her usual manner.

Emma stood about ten feet from the feral as she sparred with the punching bag. If sparred was a good choice of words that is. It was more like a full fledged attack and Emma couldn't remember the last time she'd seen the feral attack a person like that let alone train that extensively. She could tell the feral was training as hard as she could as every pore seemed to be emitting drop after drop of sweat and she hadn't even noticed yet that Emma was standing behind her observing her confrontation with the black object.

After a couple more minutes of uninterrupted fist fighting with the device, Shalimar finally slowed herself down taking a few seconds to wipe her face on her sweat soaked black tank top.

"Well, I think you've made your point with the big bad bag," Emma informed, stepping over to the heaving feral and crossing her arms for comfort.

Shalimar turned to face her oncoming friend and bent to the ground to lift her small bottle for a quick sip of much needed and refreshing water.

"So do you wanna talk about what's bothering you? Or would you rather subject the bag to another throttling?" Emma asked stopping only when she was about a foot from her sweaty friend.

"You know I could ask you the same thing."

"You could," Emma agreed. "Except we're not talking about me. We're talking about you."

"What if I don't want to have that conversation right now?"

"Ok but what are you really against, having the conversation or having it with me?"

Shalimar's brow came together at the words and she wondered for a moment if her psionic friend was reading her.

"I'm still here for you, Shalimar," Emma insisted in her usual friendly and caring tone. "I might not remember everything about the past or even about you for that matter but I know you've changed since I've been gone. I know you're not that tough and I don't want you to put those walls back up. Especially around me. I know there's a lot in there you have to offer. A lot that I'd like to see."

Shalimar thought for a moment and smiled, a small chuckle coming to her as she whipped the sweat from her pony tailed hair on her forehead.

"I see you really are getting your memories back."

Emma smiled at the words and took the last step between them.

"Well, some memories are worth remembering," she reminded placing a hand on the sweaty shoulder of the feral. "And so's the reminder to take a shower," she chuckled, peeling her hand from the sticky shoulder and beginning to follow the feral from the room.

"So I guess I really am that obvious," Shalimar sighed not wanting to have given away her feelings or frustrations so soon.

"From what I can tell you're just very…passionate. Everything you're feeling is very strong it's just kind of radiating like a light. I think much more than it used to be."

Shalimar nodded in understanding knowing it was all Emma's doing that she had changed in more ways that she could count.

"And you can feel…everything I'm feeling?" Shalimar quizzed trying her best not to hint at anything in particular.

Emma only smiled as the two turned the corner to her bedroom.

"Yes. Everything."