A/N: This story is sort of AU and pretty OOC. So if you don't like that, don't read it! The first chapter is a journal entry but the whole story will NOT be in journal form. There will be some more entries but there will be actual dialogue and scenes and whatnot.

Disclaimer: I don't own GG. Not a bit...I wish I did!

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The Diary of Rory Gilmore-Entry One

Ya know, sometimes I hate my life. Not my life exactly. But myself. I despise myself. You know what else I despise? Perfection. Just the word itself makes me sick. Nothing is perfect, nothing ever was perfect and nothing ever will be perfect.

But that's not what people think. People are so gullible. So easily fooled by life. You dangle a word like perfection in front of them and they reach for it blindly. Stretching themselves until they are no more but never getting it. That's what life is about really. It's about striving for perfection. And in my world, perfection is the opposite of perfection.

This may sound confusing but it's the honest to god truth. My whole life I've been striving to reach perfect. The other day, I looked perfect up. The Webster's definition says complete in all aspects; flawless. In my world, that means straight A's, no tardies and heading for the Ivy league school system. Specifically, Harvard.

So, my whole life, I've been reaching for this stupid goal. This stupid goal that I can never ever reach. Parents always seem to do that to their kids. They tell them practice makes perfect and the children strive so hard to be perfect but they never reach it. Parents are setting their kids up for disappointment. Even mine. Especially mine.

Really, it's just mom. Mom knows she's not perfect. And she came to the realization long ago that she never will be perfect. You would think someone with this realization wouldn't push her child towards it. But no. Because of it, she pushes me even harder. Shoves me forcefully towards perfection. Pushes me onto the perfection train. Along with everyone else in the world.

Except Jess. He knows there's no such thing as perfect. And to be truthful, I just realized it. All my life I've been going along trusting the world. Trusting every adult who pushed me towards perfect. But it was a lie. Every single one of them- Mom, Grandma, Grandpa, Sookie, Luke- they were lying when they told me I could get there. But Jess? He's more insightful.

People think Jess is just a rebel without a cause but they're wrong. They're absolutely wrong. People hate Jess. In one day, I've heard him described as careless, antisocial, a hoodlum, a disaster waiting to happen, a thief, a crook, and an idiot. They're wrong. And I know it because I know Jess. I'm probably the only one who knows Jess.

I've actually sat down and had a conversation with him. He's told me about his life. I know that his mother was always drunk when he was a kid and his father was never around. His mom would come home with her boyfriend of the week and get high and then they would lock themselves in her bedroom. Jess smoked his first cigarette when he was ten. Had his first drink at eleven and first girlfriend at twelve. Lost his virginity at fourteen. He's had a harder life than anybody realizes. But they don't care. Because they want perfection.

So we're back at perfection. I don't think I've ever written about it this much but really, I haven't thought about it this much. The reason I'm thinking about it now is Jess. We were sitting on the bridge today and he said the most wonderful, insightful thing I've ever heard anyone say. I was telling him how I had to go and study to ace a spanish test. He asked why I needed to ace it so bad. Passing it would be just fine. My response? "But I want it to be perfect."

His expression. I'll never forget. It's practically undescribable. He just raised an eyebrow and his face twisted at the word. His reply to that was, "No such thing."

Of course I had to argue, I've been raised with perfect. "But Jess, there is. I can see it. I can taste it. It's just over the next hill. It's Harvard. I need to ace this test and every other test to get it. But I'll get it."

"Harvard equals perfection?"he asked. I nodded and he made another repulsive face before continuing, "What about after Harvard? If Harvard is perfection, once you get in you're done right? You've reached perfect. You've reached you height. It's all downhill from there? Is that it?"

I must have made a face similar to his because he kept going, "Rory, I know you've been raised to think that perfect is an exceptable goal. But it's not. Think about it Rory and you'll understand. You're smart. No one is ever perfect. Nothing is. They say practice makes perfect but it doesn't because no on will ever get there. You shouldn't be reaching so hard for something you won't get! It'll just disappoint you in the end. You need to look at what you want and aim for it and if Harvard is what that is, then go for it. But Harvard won't make you perfect."

Then he said it, "Perfection isnt happiness, Rory. Perfection is a load of shit. Happiness is something you feel. You can't aim for perfection. You have to aim for happiness, Ror. That's realistic. And happiness is the closest thing to perfection that you'll ever get."

I think I must have just stared at him for a full minute before nodding slowly. I don't think we said anything more the rest of the afternoon. But I stayed there. I stayed at the bridge, reading, thinking. I didn't study for my Spanish test. And I still got a B. And I was happy with it.

And I realized that if I keep going for perfection like I have been, I'm just going to be sad all the time. I am sad all the time. Apparently my boyfriend, my small town life, my friends, and my school life are perfect and that's not what I want at all. Because perfect no longer satisfies me. I want to be as imperfect as possible. I realize why Jess is so rebellious. There's a certain draw to it. And I'm being pulled further and further in.

So from here on out, I'm aiming for happy. If I'd rather read a book or hang out with Jess than study, I will. I'm aiming to read because I want to. Not because I'll get into Harvard that way. If Mom or the grandparents annoy me at Friday night dinner tomorrow, I'll speak up. I'll voice my opinion for once because I won't be afraid of upsetting them. Because our relationship won't always be perfect. There will be problems and I don't mind joining in.

So I'll try and write in this again soon. If I have something else to get off my mind.

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A/N: If you want to review this chapter seperately I would love it but I did post chapter 2 right away just to show you what the dialogue parts will be like! Also, I know the beginning moves kind of fast and it's very OOC for now, but I hope you still like it. I just want to get to the heart of the story faster.