When Daniel had told her the place to find Emma would most likely be at the town line, she had immediately been confused as to why she would be out there. But she trusted Daniel that if he said she was often out there that it would be the place to check if she wasn't home.
Regina pulled her car up behind the cruiser and shut it off. She took a deep breath before exiting and tapping on the passenger side window, her hand on the handle as she waited for it to be unlocked. Emma never even looked over at her as she unlocked the door or when Regina slid into the passenger seat.
They sat there, neither woman saying a word for several heartbeats.
"I owe you an apology," Regina said. Still, Emma kept her eyes straight ahead. "Will you at least look at me?"
Emma turned finally.
"If you came to apologize for not telling me you were involved with someone before you and I went out, you don't have to," Emma said before she could speak. "It wasn't like you and I were on a date."
"But you wanted us to be on a date."
"Well, we don't always get what we want do we?" Emma said bitterly.
"No we don't," Regina said. This time it was her who looked away. Her eyes went to the Leaving Storybrooke sign. For the most part that sign had given her comfort as she crossed the town line after one of her now-infrequent trips home. But she remembered another time that seeing that sign had hurt.
It was the night she left Storybrooke after finding out about Emma and Killian. She had left in the middle of the night – not able to handle one more day in this town where her heart had been broken. Yet, she had stopped just on the other side of the road from where she and Emma now sat. Her car was parked in front of that sign and she was crying, leaning over the steering wheel as the pain of Emma's betrayal became too much for her.
Still, at that moment she had hesitated. She almost turned the car around and went back into town to do the one thing Emma had asked of her – to hear her out.
It would be their only chance to maybe try and salvage things between them.
But like a coward, she started her car and crossed that town line.
"I've always been in awe of you," Regina said. "Everything seemed to come so easy for you. You had this effortless, carefree nature that was so unlike me. I worried about everything and if I didn't know the outcome in advance, I got scared. You scared me. When we had that first talk after that soccer game, you scared me because I didn't know what to expect from you. You completely blindsided me, disarmed me."
"The first really brave thing I ever thought I did was leaving here," Regina said. "Making the decision to live a life outside of this town. I found my escape in that world beyond that town line and I can't say I regret that I chose to leave – not entirely at least. My life out there, it's good. What I do for a living, I'm good at it. But it took meeting Neal for me to see I had thrown myself into my work and neglected to live my life. He seems to play by his own set of rules and it works for him."
Emma had turned and was now looking out her window as Regina spoke.
"Neal is important to me because he is my best friend. And that is why I need to apologize to you. I love Neal, but friends are all he and I will ever be. I should have made that clear to you before you walked away. I should have stopped you and explained to you that while I consider him more than a roommate he and I will only be just friends. You of all people should know I have no interest in men that other way," she said. "I'm sorry for not clearing that up immediately."
Emma had looked back at her when she had said they were just friends, but she didn't say anything at first as Regina finished, merely looked away again.
"Do you hate me that much?" Emma asked. "Is that why you let me believe you and Neal were together?"
"I don't hate you," Regina said. "God knows I've tried to hate you, but I can't. I can't because you are Emma. You are my first love, and if I'm being honest, the only person I have ever loved like that. In a way, I'm still afraid of you and how you make me feel. I just … I don't understand how we lost it, lost us."
Again Emma was silent and this time it kept dragging on to the point where Regina thought perhaps she should say her goodbye and leave.
"I started coming out here the day after you left to go to college," Emma said finally. "I'd park the bug right here and I would stare at that road, at that sign, at everything that pointed in the direction of you. I'd come out here almost every day and every day I'd say to myself, this is the day, this is the day you drive across that line and you go get your girl. I knew if I could just get past that line I would find you and everything after that wouldn't matter because we'd be together."
A tear came down Emma's face and Regina almost reached out to her to comfort her, but she was mesmerized by the idea that Emma had made this a ritual.
"I tried, I really tried," Emma said, more tears coming down. "I wanted to be with you so much but I couldn't fucking cross that line."
She sniffed loudly and wiped at the tears. "Then one night I was out here and I brought a bottle of whiskey with me, thinking I don't know, that I'd somehow get the courage to go. I remember getting out of my car, and I walked right up to that sign, and I couldn't even step across that line."
"Then um, I finally returned to town and got even more wasted. Then Killian showed up and that was the night that he and I … and I should have told you immediately and begged for your forgiveness but I didn't. I hid it because I was ashamed that I could do that to you even if I was drunk. And I was so afraid that you would leave me and you did and it's all my fault. It was my fault for not leaving this town and coming to find you."
Emma was full-on crying now and Regina watched her unsure what to do. She felt that fear creeping back in.
Hurrying to get out of the car, she shut the door behind her and took a deep breath before moving around to the driver's side and pulling that door open, startling Emma. She held out her hand and Emma paused before taking it.
Keeping hold of Emma's hand, Regina led her over to the town line.
She let go of Emma's hand and stepped across the line, again feeling that odd sensation like a cold wind was blowing.
Then she held out her hand to Emma.
"You don't have to be afraid," Regina said.
Emma looked at Regina and then down at the town line. She inched her foot forward but that is as far as it went.
"I can't," she said.
"Why not?"
"I don't know," Emma said. "I don't understand. I want to. All I want is to be there with you, but I can't." She put her head down, unable to look at Regina with her failure.
Regina was confused. This didn't make any sense. Why wouldn't Emma just come across the line?
"Ok," Regina said, stepping back across the line. She put her hand on Emma's arm. "We're going to figure this out." She forced Emma to look at her. "I promise."
Emma hugged her and Regina felt their bodies connect in a way she never had with anyone else. They had always fit together.
"I'm sorry," Emma said quietly. "I'm sorry for failing to keep my promise."
Regina pulled away from her. "What are you talking about?"
"We promised that it would always just be you and me. I failed you."
"No," Regina said. "You didn't. You made a mistake. And I did too. We were still kids Emma. Yes, we were legally adults, but we were still so young. I shouldn't have run away like I did. I owed you the chance to talk about what had happened and instead I chose to leave without even a goodbye. If you failed then so did I."
They were still standing close to each other. Regina's eyes went to Emma's lips. The memory of what it was like to kiss those lips had her taking a half step closer. Emma too seemed to feel an invisible pull toward Regina and she closed more of the distance, their lips only an inch apart.