Trigger warning. We are getting into Barbara's Gordon's nightmares. She's not afraid of a whole lot, so we've got to do some digging and it's not gonna be pretty. If you've got past traumas, feel free to DM me and I'll give you a CliffsNotes version of this chapter so you can continue reading without getting triggered.

I fell for a long time. I never really hit the bottom… I'm not sure there was a 'bottom.' I felt like I'd been falling for so long, and then I just stopped. I was lying on something but could see nothing beneath me. As I sat up, I realized my strength felt renewed and I wasn't dizzy anymore and I felt light and energetic…

Oh.

I'm dreaming.

I was asleep. It was the only explanation for the renewed vitality I felt.

Either that, or I was dead. I preferred to think I was dreaming.

I stood up. I was no longer in my Batgirl suit. I was in a white shirt and jeans. My cowl was gone. I felt strangely lucid and self-aware for being in a dream. My sense of touch no longer seemed like it was accurate; everything felt nebulous and dreamlike. It was strange; I felt like I was awake, too grounded in reality to do something like fly in the dream space, but the world around me felt too imaginary to be real. I thought I heard a mumble of voices, so I began walking towards them. The soft patter of my bare feet made it sound like I was walking on smooth concrete. The voices grew louder and I was able to decipher the distinct sounds of a man and a woman's voice. Voices I knew… a conversation I recognized.

"Again, Jim! This isn't the first time or the second or the tenth! What happens when you just don't come home one night?" her voice shrieked at him. She whispered, thinking I was asleep. But suddenly I was there, my small cheek pressed against the doorframe as I watched my mom and dad fight.

"I'm home now, Barbara," Jim said to her as he held a bag of frozen peas to his cheek. Who had hit him this time? His partner? His boss?

"What happens if they come after your family, after us?" she bit back. My child-sized hands balled into fists; she wasn't worried about him, she was worried about herself. "Your daughter shouldn't have to watch her back at school because you're too proud to take the money…"

"It's not about the money," Jim snapped back at her. "I take that money, I'm a part of the problem. This is the dirt I came here to clean up, not…"

"You don't take that money, you're gonna get yourself killed. You're gonna get us killed," she argued, her volume growing as tears came down her cheeks.

"I'd never let that happen…"

"You can't stop it, Jim, look at your face!"

"I'm not giving up on this city!"

"You have to!"

The conversation stopped dead. I wanted to slam open the door, to tell them I was awake, to stop the argument. Maybe I could have saved their marriage, if I had.

"What does that mean?" dad asked.

"It means you've gotta choose. Your family, or your job."

Please don't do this.

"I'm not gonna choose…"

"You already have," my mom sobbed, her voice barely squeaking out. "I'm taking Bee and we're going to my mom's…"

"No. You're not taking her," dad said, throwing his frozen peas to the ground.

"You can't take care of her Jim! You work all the time, you come home in stitches…"

"You're not taking my little girl!" he shouted.

"You're gonna get her killed!" she screamed back.

"If you're leaving, get the hell out!" dad shouted at her, taking a step towards my bedroom door to block her from me.

"I'm coming back for her. We're leaving this shit-hole city and not coming back," mom cried.

"You're gonna need a judge to take her away from me, Barbara," he sniped at her. "No one is taking my little girl."

The room began to darken and fade, but I could still see my mom's teary face, almost smiling as she said, "someday, Jim, you'll know I was right. I just pray you live long enough to know that I was right, and to hurt the way you've hurt me."

She disappeared in a tuft of smoke. She was gone.

She'd been gone.

Everything around me was eerily quiet; the silence frightened me. I looked down at my hands; I was still small. I was still the twelve-year old version of me that witnessed that argument, that grew to hate my mother for giving up on Gotham and giving up on us.

When was the last time I'd spoken to my mother? Had it been years?

She abandoned us. Maybe I could've stopped it, but she was the one responsible. I didn't care. I balled my small hands in fists as I looked around the vast darkness. "I don't care!" I screamed into the void, hoping the ghost of my mother still floated somewhere nearby and could feel the sting of abandonment the same way we did. "I don't care!"

The darkness was replaced with warm ambient light. It was the GCPD- the old GCPD, when the building was still in New Gotham and before headquarters moved to Bleake Island. I looked down at myself, noticing I had aged enough to see big changes in my body. I had gone through puberty, was wearing my favorite green jacket and boots. I looked back up to see my dad angry with me. Wait… I knew this night…

"You should! He's dangerous!" dad yelled at me. He stared at me, waiting for me to respond. The words came to me in a memory, like song lyrics.

"He's out there catching criminals that you let walk away free," I said in a low calm voice, not as I had when the argument had really taken place.

"He is the worst kind of criminal. The kind who thinks their actions are justified, who acts completely outside the system…"

"The system is broken," I interrupted him, realizing that this was the night I met Batman. I wondered if he was already here. I turned and started walking towards the server room, where he'd be coming soon.

"Barbara, wait!" my dad called after me, just as he had that night. I burst into the server room, searching for him. He'd be here any minute, right? That night, I had helped him get access to the National Criminal Database- I just had to find the right server…

A turn of my head showed a figure approaching and I gasped- not because it was Batman, but because it was Joker.

"Easy," he said with a smile and a chuckle. I tightened my hands into fists- and realized I was wearing gloves. I was myself again, the correct age and height, wearing my Batgirl suit. Joker took a step to his side, beginning to circle me like a shark in chummy waters. "Little girl, all alone. You really should be careful. Never know when a prowler might come around."

"I'm locking you up, Joker," I said, my eyes narrowing with conviction. He looked surprised.

"Oh, I'M not the prowler," Joker said, his hands innocently raised to his chest. "NononoNO. Don't you remember what happened next?"

As if on command, I turned to see my teenaged self-staring down Batman- but he looked different. His posture was more ominous, his stance more threatening. And the younger version of me looked scared.

"I need access to the National Criminal Database," he demanded, trudging directly up to younger-me and looming over her threateningly. Wait… this isn't how it happened.

"It's right here!" my younger self yelled in terror as she pointed aside at the server. Batman grabbed her by her biceps and pushed her hard up against a server as she screamed in fear.

"This isn't how it happened!" I yelled. Batman had been kind that night, had shown me that he could be tough on criminals but gentle to the rest of us.

"Gentle, eh?" Joker said behind me. He could hear my thoughts, he was in my head.

Batman's grip on the arms of the younger version of me lessened and she slid down the server, looking up fearfully into his eyes. Batman's eyes scanned over her small form; he wasn't being gentle in the way I meant. Joker was twisting my words, making them sexual, perverted.

"Stop it!" I screamed, turning away from the vision. It was in my head, it was a nightmare, that's all this was.

"He took advantage of you," Joker said, pacing closer to me as he shook his head. "What kind of a monster uses a little girl…"

"You're the monster, Joker," I said as I wound my arm back and threw a punch at him. But as soon as the punch should have landed, he was gone. My eyes darted in front of me, frantic to find him.

I was tackled from behind and fell to the ground. Batman rolled me over and knelt over me, his eyes wild and fists cocked to pummel me into the earth.

"You're no better than the rest of them," he growled at me. I shook my head desperately, wanting to argue with him, plead with him… but he slammed his fist down into my face. I felt my nose break. He punched again and again, each successive hit feeling less and less painful as I felt like I was being beaten out of existence. Yet, in my dreamy state, I was able to see Batman's wild, deranged face between every strike.

At least, it was Batman's face. But then it turned into Dick's face. And then it turned into my father's face.

Watching him bare his teeth, slam his fists down on me, hit me with such ferocity it felt like he was trying to erase me, was too much to bear. "Please!" I screamed, raising my hands above me to try to block his fists…

And he was gone.

I was lying on the ground alone. My face was covered in tears, but no longer blood spattered and beaten. I could hear my breath quicken as I looked around. Why was I alone?

"Dad?" I called tearfully. I felt fractured and frayed. I wanted someone to give me comfort, I needed it.

In the midst of the darkness, I could see a light in the distance. It was a small, amber glow at waist height. I pushed myself up to my feet and started walking towards the light; I realized it was a candle, sitting on a table. There were three filled seats at the table, and one empty chair. Everyone sitting around the table laughed at something one of them had said as I sucked in a breath of terror and surprise.

Joker and Harley sat at the table on one side. He wore a tuxedo with a flower in his breast pocket, one of green and purple color; Harley sat beside him with a domino mask on, her hair in pigtails, but wearing a flowing red ball gown. Across the table sat Dick, wearing his domino mask as well, but also a tuxedo with a dark blue pocket square. They all looked up at me expectantly with smiles.

"Well, look who finally made it!" Joker exclaimed with a smile, throwing his arms wide. Dick stood and offered me his hand.

"Come, sit," he insisted. As I took his hand, the space materialized around us; we were in the Iceberg Lounge. The music was ambient and quiet, and the other guests were dressed similarly formally. I realized my own hand had a long white glove pulled over it. I was wearing a long, strapless, black ballgown, fitted mermaid style around my form. "Come on Barb," Dick encouraged me with a smile. I confusedly followed his lead and took a seat across from Harley.

"Love the dress, by the way," Harley leaned over the table and said in her Jersey accent. She then turned to Joker and snuggled up against him. "I'm so glad we could finally do this," she sweetly said to him.

"Yes- a great idea, Harl! We should double-date more often," Joker said with a menacing smile at me. Harley and Dick seemed completely dazed, but Joker seemed to be clued in that this was my nightmare. His chin lowered and he looked out of the tops of his eyes at me as he grinned.

Dick raised his glass of wine in a toast. "To trying new things," Dick said, turning to me with a wink. I put my hand on his in caution.

"Don't drink that," I told him. Glancing across the table, I watched as Harley downed a large portion of her glass.

"Why?" he asked with a smile. "To be honest, I think I'll want it for the night ahead of us."

"The night…" I started to ask, but Harley slammed her empty glass down and wiped her mouth of the red wine.

"Alright, Dicky," she said as she loudly pushed her chair back. Joker more gracefully stood and offered her a hand to help her stand. She looked charmingly into Joker's eyes a moment, then rounded the table to Dick. She sat in his lap and smiled at him. "To trying new things." She grabbed his jacket lapels and pulled him to her in a passionate, heated kiss. I gasped and almost lunged to push her off him, but he kissed her back, his hands pressed against her back and pulling her arms to him in longing.

"Shall we, my dear?" Joker's voice cut through me as he stood behind my chair. But I was awestruck staring at Dick. His eyes were closed as Harley kissed him, and I saw the corners of his mouth turn up in a smile as her red lips pressed against his. He pulled her closer to him, yearning for her.

Breathing felt difficult. I felt my jaw drop and an uneasiness in my stomach. Joker grabbed the chair I sat in and pulled; if I didn't stand, the chair would fly out from under me. I stood and backed away from him, knocking into the table and spilling the glasses. Some of the guests around us looked up at me in distaste, as if I had no sense of decorum. Meanwhile, Harley was tearing Dick's coat off him as she slobbered all over his chin and no one seemed to notice. Joker reached for my hand as it clutched the edge of the table.

"Don't touch me," I said threateningly, yet I seemed frozen, stuck in place, unable to move my hands or my body. Joker giggled as he took a step closer. His arms wrapped around my waist and he pressed his body against mine.

"Oh Barbara," he smiled at me, his hands moving up the back of my dress and finding the thin zipper. "You know I like a woman with a little fight in her." I felt the zipper descending and my dress loosening. My eyes darted down at Dick in hopes he would help, but Harley had knocked his chair back and was sitting straddled over him, giggling as she threw his blue pocket square in the air carelessly. I wanted to scream but my mouth wouldn't open. I was trapped, why was I trapped, it's just a nightmare, it's just a nightmare. I closed my eyes as tightly as I could telling myself to wake up, wake up, WAKE UP.

"You're not waking up, Barbara," Joker's hot voice whispered in my ear. His hands moved off my back and traveled slowly, seductively to my arms, then my shoulders. Then he pressed me up against a wall behind me, forcing my eyes open.

We were no longer in the Iceberg Lounge. Harley and Dick were gone. Everyone was gone. It was just the two of us, me and Joker. He had me pressed up against the brick pillar at the gate in front of Wayne Manor, just as Dick had before. "Hrm, something's not right, is it?" Joker asked, the knowing smile on his face indicating he knew just what was wrong. He wasn't Dick. I wasn't safe. This wasn't what I wanted. "Oh, I know!" Joker said, and he released my shoulders only to grab my hands and pin them above my head against the grainy brick pillar. He pressed them into the bricks until my skin chafed and scraped in pain. "That's better," Joker growled as he leaned closer to me to kiss. I turned my head away but felt incapable of escaping him. He laughed his high-pitched giggle. I closed my eyes and bit my lip, hoping the pain would be enough to draw me back to reality. Wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up,

WAKE UP!

I opened my eyes. I was lying in the Batcave, face up in the middle of the floor. I wasn't wearing my Batgirl suit; I was lying there in just my sports bra and underwear. I looked around- no one was there. I looked down at my body. My knees were scuffed and bruised, but I was otherwise fine.

Was I back? Had Batman saved me? Where was everybody?

"Batman?" I called. "Dick?" No one answered. "Anyone?" I began to push myself to my feet.

"They're gone," a small voice said from behind me. Jason was sitting at the Batcomputer, staring down at the keyboard. The monitors were dark. I took a step closer.

"Jason?" I called. His eyes stayed low and I realized he wasn't looking at the keyboard; he was looking at his hands, where he held Batman's cowl. "Where…"

"Because of you," Jason said in a low, sad voice. "He went to find Scarecrow… to help you… and now…"

Oh God, what had I done?

"Jason, where is he?" I asked, turning the chair Jason sat in and lowering myself to his level.

"Dick went after him. He had to. But it was a trap, he knew Dick would come…"

"Jason, tell me where they are! Now!" I shouted, my hands desperately grabbing his arms to shake him back to reality. But as soon as my hands touched him, he stood, the chair flying back behind him.

"Because of you! They're dead because of YOU!" he spat at me, throwing the cowl aside and lowering into a fighting stance. I shook my head, tears in my eyes.

"Jason, please… help me get them back, we can fix this…"

"You can't fix this!" he screamed angrily, rushing me. I dodged once, twice, three times, but missed the Tae Kwon Do kick. It hit me in the stomach, knocking me back and doubling me over. I was still weak, and I didn't want to fight him.

"Please, Jason, let me go after them!"

"It's too late for that," he shook his head as he looked down at me. "You've failed. All of us." Those words were the deepest knife. They forced the breath out of me and forced me to my hands and knees.

"You've failed."

"You failed all of us."

"You killed them!"

"You ruined everything."

"You've failed us."

The words swirled around me, drowning me. I looked to the ground beneath me, gasping in breaths. Was I dying? I couldn't breathe, I couldn't move, it was all I could do to hold my weight up.

"Because of you."

"Because of YOU!"

"You've ruined everything."

"And it's time you paid."

"You don't deserve the cape."

"Punish her."

"End her."

"Go away."

"You don't deserve the cape."

"You don't deserve to live."

There was a gun in my hand. I sucked in gasping breaths. I raised the gun in my hand.

I didn't want to, I didn't believe this, I was still in the nightmare, I could wake up, this wouldn't have happened, it wasn't real, I didn't want to be here, this wasn't real, WAKE UP BARBARA, WAKE UP.

But the gun in my hand raised and I pulled the hammer back.

WAKE UP. WAKE UP. WAKE UP.

I raised the gun to my temple, desperately gasping for breath.

"It'll all be over soon, Bumble Bee," Joker's voice slithered over me.