Dick had hit a dead end. He had ruled out several hallucinogens as possibilities in Scarecrow's Sample Y, but eliminating alternatives was only helpful insofar as helping identify what the correct hallucinogen was. And he couldn't.
It didn't help that all he could do was think about Barbara, trapped in her Scarecrow-induced nightmares with no way of escape. The sedative they'd given her was potent, intended to drop the patient into such a deep sleep that dreaming wasn't possible. He wondered if it was potent enough that she had sleep paralysis, unable to interact in the dream world around her and victimized by her nightmarish surroundings. He felt unable to help her, and that made him angry.
He'd called Batman and demanded he return to the Batcave, now, to help manufacture a cure.
"You should be able to isolate…"
"I can't," Dick angrily bit back at Batman, not wanting to hear a lecture about his inadequacies. "Get back here now."
"I've collected pieces of evidence from the rooftop Batgirl…"
"NOW, Bruce," Dick commanded. "She's stuck in those nightmares because of the sedative that we gave her. Her telemetry is going crazy, her amygdala is lit, we've gotta get her out of there."
"I'll be there soon," Batman said, and he closed the link. It made Dick furious.
"Let's go," Jason said. Dick turned back to him, confused. Jason had pulled on his red hoodie and denim jacket. "We find Scarecrow, we find out what he put in the drugs." Dick shook his head as he turned away, his eyes rolling back in his head.
"That'd take too long," Dick said in a tiresome voice. "The fastest recourse is manufacturing a cure…"
"But how are we supposed to do that without knowing what's in it?"
"By Batman getting his fucking ass back here!" Dick screamed, a fist coming down on the dashboard of the Batcomputer. The room silenced around him; Alfred had paused his work at the computer to look cautioning up at him.
The way he was acting was not okay for so many reasons. It wasn't okay because he was in charge here, he was the eldest superhero present; but Dick wanted to shrug that responsibility off, since Alfred had been saving lives since long before Dick was a thought-bubble in his parent's heads. But it also wasn't okay because Jason was here, and Jason looked up to him and he needed to be a good example of how superheroes behave. But above all, it wasn't okay because this isn't how adults behave.
Toxic masculinity is real, kids.
"I'm sorry," Dick said quickly as he stared down at the dashboard, his remorse conflicting with his still hot rage. Alfred put a hand quickly on his arm.
"We're all concerned for Miss Gordon's health, Master Grayson," he said reassuringly before returning to his work. Dick nodded, thinking to himself that none of them could be as worried as he was. He turned and looked to her still body on the gurney in the next room. He had to save her, but he had to do it the right way. He turned back to Jason and placed a hand on his shoulder.
"Take that off," he said, referring to the red hoodie. "Batman will be back soon to help manufacture her cure and when he does, he can't see you in that."
"But…"
"Jay," Dick said with stern eyes. Jason didn't want to relent, but he knew Dick was trying his best to keep it together. Jason knew that what Dick felt for Barbara exceeded infatuation or lust, and he didn't want to make the evening more complicated than it already was for Dick.
"Fine," he said, pulling off the denim coat and heading towards the elevator to re-hide his red hoodie. Dick let out a calming breath as he watched him go.
"I'm proud of you, Master Grayson," Alfred said, looking away from Barbara's telemetry readings. "A few years ago, you might have been in Jason's shoes."
"I'm not sure I've grown that much, Alfred," Dick responded, turning back to the main monitor and the turning chemical analysis of the hallucinogen that he couldn't quite identify. "I could wring Scarecrow's neck for doing this to her."
"You'll stop him, I'm sure of it," Alfred said with a nod. Dick nodded back, trying to feel as reassured as Alfred would have him.
"Do me a favor, Alf?" Dick asked, taking his gauntlets off. "Can you keep an eye on her while I change?"
"Of course, sir," Alfred said, stepping away from the computer and towards Barbara. Dick cast a long, worried glance at Barbara's still body before going upstairs. He went to his old bedroom at the top of the stairs. He closed the door and looked up at the poster of his parents, letting out a heavy breath.
At times like these, he always had a creeping fear. He did his best to repress it, to laugh through it, to work through it, to keep himself so busy that he didn't have time to weigh on it. But this time, he didn't have enough to do to keep it at bay. As he stared at the poster of his parents, the question slipped silently into his head like a shadow…
What if you lose her?
Dick refused to answer the question. She was going to be fine. She was right downstairs, she was safe, they were going to save her, and she would be fine. He turned away from the poster and took off his suit, changing into dark blue, cotton pajama pants and a grey tee-shirt. He'd be getting no sleep, that was certain, but he could at least be comfortable. As he stood in front of his dresser, sliding the drawers closed, he took notice of the small box on the corner of the dresser. He pulled it close and opened it up, looking through the few trinkets he hid inside. One was a charm that the circus sold; they did this cheesy thing where each one of the best acts had a charm, and small kids would ask their parents for them all to fill their Haley Circus Charm Bracelets. He pulled out the charm he still had after all these years: a big top tent, with the giant letters 'FG' inside the tent and some grand flourishes coming off the side.
The Flying Graysons.
It was a stupid thing to have held onto all these years, but he handled it delicately. It was one of the few things in this life that felt truly precious to him.
Like Barbara Gordon.
He put the charm back in the box and put socks on, bringing his suit with him back down the Batcave in case of emergency. Batman still had not returned. Jason was at the computer, trying to decipher the chemical compound. Alfred stood over Barbara's body and he stroked her hand gently. It was a kind gesture, but one that reminded Dick of sickness and death. He didn't want Alfred touching her like that.
"Hey," he said to Alfred as he came over.
"Master Bruce just called… he should be back quite soon," Alfred said. Dick nodded understandingly.
"Thanks. Hey, can you do me a favor? Can you take a look at the cellular structure of the compound? I just… feel like it needs fresh eyes. I'll keep an eye on Barbara," he said. Alfred put Barbara's hand down on the sheet covering her and nodded. He walked off towards the monitors and Dick watched him go before returning his attention to Barbara. He stepped to her side and looked down at her eyes.
There, at the corners of her eyes, he saw the tracks of tears as they slid down the sides of her face. She was crying. She had been crying a lot. This made Dick so sad and horrified and angry that he wanted to shake her awake. He leaned forward and wiped the tears off her face softly. "Barbara," he whispered softly to her. "Wake up. You're safe. You're okay, I'm not gonna let anyone hurt you, I'm not…" he paused when he heard the catch in his voice. He needed to compose himself; he couldn't let anyone see him this upset.
He turned back over his shoulder to see if Alfred or Jason were paying any attention to him; they seemed to be wrapped up in a conversation and not noticing him. So he leaned forward and kissed Barbara lightly on the lips, a gentle reminder that he was here and he would protect her and she was safe. He pulled away and brushed a strand of hair out of her face.
"Hey Dick!" Jason called, and Dick sat back abruptly, blinking any tears or anxiety from his eyes. "I think we've got something!"
Dick got up and hurried back to the computers, where Alfred was looking something up. "What is it?"
"The cellular structure," Alfred noted as he typed something in, "I realized, it's not intended to be metabolized through inhalation. It's intended to be consumed."
"Eaten? Like mushrooms?" Dick asked.
"No. Drank," Alfred noted, pulling up pictures of a leafy, twiggy plant. "In a tea. The South American Psychotria Viridis shrub, also known as Ayahuasca, is often revered as a sacred beverage for its hallucinogenic properties."
"Ayahuasca," Dick noted.
"The tea is used often in religious contexts because it provides its users typically with one of two experiences: either a highly pleasurable dopamine release, or visions of a hell the user is destined for, unless they change their ways," Alfred said.
"Their own personal hell," Jason added. "That's where she's stuck."
"Can you find a cure?" Dick asked Alfred.
"Well, the standard cure is purging," Alfred noted, "but that's when the user consumes it as a beverage. For an inhaled version of the drug, I'm not sure."
"What if we temporarily blocked the synapses from connecting to the amygdala?" Jason asked. Dick and Alfred looked at each other apprehensively.
"It could be risky," Alfred noted.
"Do we have many other options?" Dick asked. The Batmobile roared in the caverns of the cave, signaling Bruce's return. Dick took a step towards the Batmobile's landing pad, pointing back at the screens. "Start putting together an antidote that blocks amygdala receptors." Jason obliged as the Batmobile pulled onto the launching pad and Batman hopped out of the car.
"How is she?" he asked in his low, stern voice.
"Fine, no thanks to you," Dick answered. "Find anything?"
"Potential leads on Scarecrow's location," Batman asked, stepping past Dick towards the Batcomputer, but he turned back to him when he saw Jason at the computers. "What is he doing…"
"He's helping," Dick answered quickly. "See, he heard Barbara was in trouble, and he wanted to help." Batman knew what Dick was trying to start, and he wasn't interested. He stepped past him towards the Batcomputer.
"What is the hallucinogenic agent?" Batman demanded. Jason turned nervously back to Batman, wondering if he would be scolded for being here, but Batman stared expectantly at him.
"Ayahuasca," Jason answered. "Typically consumed as a tea, commonly found in…"
"South or Central America," Batman finished his thought as he looked at the screen. Jason pulled up the components of the antidote he was helping to manufacture.
"We thought, if we block the receptors to the amygdala, maybe we can stop the hallucinations…"
"But it won't neutralize the toxin in her system," Batman said, stepping forward to the keyboard. Jason quickly stepped away, allowing him to work. "We need to neutralize the toxin, not treat the effects."
"We need to stop those hallucinations, period," Dick said behind Batman. "As fast as we can."
"A mix of concentrated dopamine and serotonin should trigger an intervention in the sympathetic nervous system response. To speed up the intervention, we can hook her up to a dialysis machine. Alfred, prep the…"
"That's it? Two minutes back and you've got it all figured out?" Dick asked angrily. "She's been like this for hours, Bruce. Her blood pressure's been rising, her cortisol levels are through the roof, and you come back here and you've got a solution to the problem, just like that?" Bruce hit the execute button so that his intervention antidote would start manufacturing. "You could've helped her hours ago, and she's been suffering because you couldn't let Joker go?"
"Master Grayson…"
"You need to calm down, Dick," Batman said to him, and it made Dick feel like he was seventeen again- which only made him angrier.
"And you need to get your head out of your ass. Barbara's your partner, not a pet or a project. You could've lost her tonight because you were too busy letting Joker pull your strings," Dick said, tossing a resigned hand in Bruce's direction. He was too occupied berating Bruce to notice Jason, standing near Barbara's body and watching him closely, listening intently as Dick showed him what it meant to be an independent superhero. It meant telling Batman he was wrong; it meant acting without Batman's approval.
"Barbara's going to be fine," Batman said in a calm voice, not willing to play into Dick's game.
"You don't get to take credit for helping her," Dick waved an angry hand at Bruce. "Okay? Not when she was third or fourth down on your list of priorities."
"Settle down, Dick…"
"You don't get to tell me to settle down, Bruce! You messed up tonight, you really stepped…"
"Guys!" Jason shouted, and behind him they could hear Barbara gasping for breath. Alfred rushed to the computer and pulled up her telemetry while Bruce made room and focused on speeding up the antidote manufacturing process. Dick sprinted from his place to Barbara's side.
Barbara was gasping for breath as if she were drowning. Her eyes were wide open, staring ahead of her in fear, but she didn't seem able to see him or Jason at her sides. Tears were streaming down the sides of her face. Her body twitched and jerked; Dick couldn't tell if it was a seizure or if this was part of the toxin process.
"Bruce!" Dick screamed, trying to force his face into Barbara's field of vision. But she couldn't see him. She stared through him, her eyes sharp with terror, inhaling gulps of air yet never seeming to have enough oxygen.
"Her blood pressure is spiking, she's beginning to hyperventilate, if we don't calm her down she'll induce a grand mal seizure," Alfred said. Jason reached to hold down her hands.
"No!" Dick barked at him, sharper than he'd meant to be. "If she has a seizure, holding her down will only hurt her." Jason backed off, his eyes wide with panic. Dick searched her face, panicked at not knowing what to do. Alfred left the computers and hurried over to them, pulling a respirator out of the corner.
"Damn it, Bruce, now!" Dick screamed as Alfred fitted an oxygen mask over Barbara's face. She was gasping for breath, not yet purple with hypoxia but reacting as if she was. A pinging sound from the Batcomputer indicated the cure was manufactured. Batman sprinted with the cure in hand, fitting it into the pneumatic injector. Jason stepped aside to make way for him, and Batman quickly turned her head and injected it into her neck.
Her eyes were still wide with panic, but her breathing calmed and slowed. Slowly her eyes drifted closed again, and she faded back into sleep.
"Is that it?" Jason asked from behind Batman. Batman opened Barbara's eyes and flashed a light at her pupils; they seemed nonresponsive, but Batman seemed somehow satisfied. He took the oxygen mask off her face and replaced the EKG sensors. Returning to the Batcomputer, he mapped her synapse activity. The amygdala had darkened; the majority of the brain was quiet, with only a little activity showing in the cerebellum. As it should be.
"She'll be fine," Batman finally said to Dick. "We should still run the antidote through the dialysis machine for her to speed things up. Alfred, get her hooked up."
"Of course, sir," Alfred called back from beside her body.
"So she's okay?" Dick confirmed. "She'll be okay?"
"She'll be fine," he answered. Dick let out a heavy sigh and began to turn away. "Dick," Batman said. He turned away from the computer monitors and took off his cowl, meeting Dick's gaze. "You should distance yourself from her." Dick stepped forward, getting defensive. "I know you care about her."
"We all do," Dick snapped.
"We do," Bruce confirmed. He reached out a comforting, fatherly hand and placed it on his shoulder. "But you can't get that close. That kind of love is a threat. It can be used against you." Dick rolled his eyes but he didn't turn away.
"That so? Could I say that to you about Talia? Or Selina?" Dick asked snidely. Bruce removed his hand, putting his cowl down on the dashboard beside him.
"There are many reasons I've separated myself from Talia… and why I'll never get that close to Selina, even if those feelings did surface," he said, perhaps a bit more somber that Dick had expected. Bruce met his gaze again. "It's dangerous to be that close. For both of you. So for both of your sakes," he advised Dick and pointed to his cheeks. Dick reached up and felt that his cheek was wet; he'd been crying. Bruce nodded understandingly at him, "get some space."
Bruce turned away from Dick, studying the manufacturing process as he prepared the antidote for Barbara's dialysis. But Dick stayed there. He wiped his cheeks and studied the floor as he considered Bruce's advice, words he loathed to hear… but the sentiment was fair.
What if this relationship was too much for them? Dick clearly struggled to grapple with the thought of Barbara getting hurt, and that's what this job was half the time. Maybe he did need to get space. Then he remembered something Bruce said.
"I never said I loved her," Dick said to the back of Bruce's head. The centrifuge rose up out of the dashboard, producing test tubes for Bruce. He picked them up carefully.
"You didn't have to," Bruce nodded to him as he passed, walking the cure over to Barbara. Dick wanted to snipe at him that he was full of it, that he wasn't as clever or all-knowing as he thought he was, but words didn't come. Not when he saw her body, propped up against pillows with a tube in her arm. It hurt him to look at her like that.
Love was a strong word. But maybe.
"Jason, you should get some sleep," Bruce advised him.
"But…"
"You can see Barbara in the morning. She should be asleep for a few more hours yet," Bruce said as the machine began loudly pumping her blood through it. Bruce looked back up at Dick. "You should rest, too." Looking at the clock on the Batcomputer, Dick saw it was nearing 5am. Bruce was right; pulling an all-nighter wouldn't be helping anyone. But he didn't want to leave Barbara alone.
"I'll stay with her during dialysis, sirs," Alfred said, anticipating Dick's argument.
"Yeah," Dick said, knowing Bruce would feel appeased if he took his advice. "Sure. Let's go," he waved to Jason. Jason followed Dick and the two took the elevator back up to the manor. They were silent a long moment.
"I'm sorry," Jason said quietly. Dick turned to him confusedly. "I know I kept… pushing you. Towards Barbara. I just… I thought Bruce didn't want you dating because it'd be weird at work, I didn't think… it had anything to do with, y'know… this kinda stuff." Dick nodded, turning back to face front.
"Yeah, I didn't think about that either," he acknowledged quietly. The elevator doors opened, and they walked up to their bedrooms together.
"She'll be okay," Jason reminded Dick, who was silent with the weight of his thoughts. Dick forced a quick smile.
"Yeah, absolutely," Dick confirmed. But Jason had intended to comfort him, and he didn't seem comforted. The two parted ways at their bedroom doors. Dick laid down on his bed in the dark, staring up at the ceiling.
He thought about the times he and Barbara had sparred, their natural chemistry making the attacks feel somehow sumptuous. He thought about the feeling of her hands on him as he drove his motorcycle, her hands softly resting on his body as they sped through quiet streets. He thought about what it was like to hold her at nights when she would stay over, how she would stretch in the morning by arching her back and twisting her spine beside him in bed. He thought of how she looked at him over the tops of her glasses when he made a bad joke, or how she would release a reluctant laugh when one of his flirtatious jokes got to her.
He thought about that word Bruce had put on him: love. Did he love Barbara? They'd only been together a couple of weeks, but they'd been playing cat and mouse so much longer. And when he knew she was with Daniel, he felt angry and tight and empty inside. And when they were physically together, it was fireworks.
But love? Maybe.
And if it was love, how did Bruce expect Dick to be able to distance himself from her?
He didn't want to distance himself from her.
He fell asleep on top of his comforter thinking of her and of that heavy 'L' word. But it didn't matter how tired he was- after three hours of sleep, he was unable to keep his eyes closed any longer. He rushed out of bed and back down to the Batcave to check on Barbara. But when he arrived at the medical bay, the area had been cleaned out and the gurney tidied up, like she was never there.
"She's upstairs," Bruce's voice shocked him from behind. He jumped at the sound, turning back to see Bruce sitting in exercise clothes at the Batcomputer. "Dialysis finished a little less than an hour ago. Alfred took her upstairs, got her cleaned up. She's resting in her bedroom now." Dick nodded calmly, though every fiber of him wanted to rush back upstairs to check on her.
"Good," he said coolly. Bruce nodded as he scanned the monitors.
"It's possible we know Scarecrow's ayahuasca supplier," Bruce said and Dick stepped up behind him at the dashboard. "This particular species of the plant is a bit more rare, it's hallucinogenic qualities a bit more targeted than the rest of the genus. And it's found in one particular country in Central America."
"Santa Prisca," Dick read off the map Bruce had pulled up. "You think Bane is Scarecrow's supplier?"
"Correlation doesn't always imply causation," Bruce reminded him, "but the connection is too unique to ignore."
"Put him on my list," Dick said absent-mindedly as he considered the connection. But Bruce turned in his chair, grabbing the glass of water off the dashboard as he looked at Dick.
"This isn't Bludhaven's problem," Bruce said before taking a sip of water. Dick opened his mouth to argue, realizing he had overstepped.
"I only meant…"
"Did you give any more thought to what I said last night?" Bruce asked as he lowered the glass. Dick closed his mouth and looked away.
"Yeah," he answered honestly. "I did."
"And?"
Dick wanted to respond that it was none of his business. But he didn't want to fight. A part of him knew that Bruce was right, even if he didn't want to admit it.
"I'm… still thinking about it," he said. Bruce nodded and put his glass down. He stood up and placed both hands on Dick's arms.
"She's important to all of us, Dick," Bruce reassured him. "I don't want you to get hurt." Dick looked up at him skeptically, feeling like he had just been told that Barb was out of his league.
And, hey, maybe she was. But that wasn't going to stop him.
"Go home," Bruce recommended. "Get some rest."
"Actually," Dick quickly replied, "I was thinking I'd hang around until she woke up. See if she's got any news on Scarecrow. He's Bludhaven's problem too, remember?" Bruce eyed him dubiously, but nodded. Dick nodded back, grateful Bruce had spared him another lecture. He returned upstairs as quickly as he could, opening the door to her bedroom softly.
Alfred was there with a cup of tea and a newspaper, sitting beside the white blanketed bed. Barbara lay in the bed, hair still slightly wet with shining cheeks from Alfred cleaning her up. She sunk into the fluffy white blankets so that she looked like she was sleeping in a cloud. The color had returned to her face and she looked more her normal self.
"Master Grayson," Alfred noted, pulling Dick's attention back from Barbara.
"Hey, Alf," Dick greeted him in a whisper. "Has she woken up yet?"
"Not yet. Though I imagine the sedative will wear out anytime now." Dick nodded and stepped into the room.
"I, uh, came to relieve you. If you had other things to do," Dick said. Alfred raised his eyebrows.
"Oh?" he asked. "Are you quite sure? It's rather quiet…"
"I could use the quiet," Dick responded. "Besides, I'm just hanging around to see what she got on Scarecrow. I'm sure you've got plenty on your to-do list for the day, right?" Alfred looked at Barbara, weighing his to-do list against his feeling of duty to wait with Barbara.
"If you're certain," Alfred said, rising and folding his newspaper under his arm. "There is rather a lot I'd intended to do today.
"Yeah, go," Dick said, waving him on. He took the seat Alfred had vacated and sat patiently as Alfred approached the door. But he stopped at the door and turned back.
"Dialysis went wonderfully, by the way; not a trace of the toxin left in her system," Alfred said. "She should be perfectly fine upon waking, if perhaps a bit groggy." Dick smiled reassuringly.
"Thanks, Alf," he said. Alfred nodded courteously and left the room, closing the door behind him. As soon as he was gone, Dick diverted his attention to Barbara. She was breathing normally, sleeping peacefully; she looked exactly as she had any other morning she had slept at his place. The only difference was that Alfred had clearly laid her limbs carefully at her side, whereas she normally slept with hands on her pillow or her torso twisted or with her arms thrown carelessly over her head.
Dick left his chair and sat on the bed beside her. He reached forward and brushed a damp wave of hair away from her temple. He grabbed her hand and lifted her arm, kissing her fingertips gently.
The word swam in his head and he thought about saying it. If he said it now, she wouldn't hear it. He wouldn't have to take it back if she didn't feel the same way or worry about sounding crazy. He could say it and let it sit between them and see if it felt like the right word.
He leaned forward, her hand still in his, so that his face hovered just a few inches from hers, and whispered, "I love you."