I opened my eyes and took in the dark, shadowy cellar. Suddenly, it dawned on me – I'd been kidnapped. Again!

"Why?" I cried, tears pouring down my face. "Why does this always happen to me? And why has it taken so long for me to have my own chapter? Does the author hate me?" (A/N: Yes.)

I could hear footsteps coming down the stairs and I took a few seconds to wonder who the kidnapper was this time. I really hoped it was someone different and not just a recurrence of a past villain. How boring!

The kidnapper stepped into the light. I gasped. "I can't believe it. It's-"

But before I could say anything, the kidnapper leapt forward and put a hand over my mouth. "Shhhh…" he/she warned. "We can't let the reader know who I am yet. We're only up to the ninth chapter."

"Oh. Sorry." I pursed my lips with embarrassment. After so many kidnappings, you'd think I'd know the rules of the game by now! "Well, how about I call you Jo?" I suggested. Jo nodded his/her consent.

There was a long silence. "So…" I drawled eventually, "why d'ya kidnap me?"

And then, to my surprise, Jo began to cry. "I-I-I just couldn't take it anymore!" he/she cried. "Everywhere I turned, there were these perfect, size six blond twins with blue-green eyes the colour of the Pacific. It was all right with Jessica – she's a bit of a ho, and she's not that bright either – but you… you were sweet and smart and so fucking nice!"

I couldn't stand to see Jo in so much pain. Sure, he/she had kidnapped me, but I'm not the type to hold a grudge. If someone needed my help then dagnabbit, I was going to give it.

I rose from my chair and put my arms around Jo.He/she looked slightly surprised – I had, after all, been tied to that chair – but he/she didn't dwell on it for too long. These sorts of oh-so-convenient continuity errors happen all the time.

"Look at me!" Jo continued. "I live in a freaking cellar, for crying out loud!"

I looked around. It was a generic hostage container – dimly lit, dripping pipes, the works – but I could see that the place had potential. If only my mom weren't so hooked on Valium. I could have had her come and take a look at the place.

"Now you listen to me," I told Jo sternly. "Your life isn't going to get any better if you continue to sit around crying. You have to work at improving things. Take this cellar, for example. If the two of us worked together, I know we can spruce it up."

Jo dried his/her eyes. "Really?" I nodded encouragingly. "But… why are you helping me?"

"Because… well, because that's what I do!" I cried. I was surprised that Jo even had to ask. "I'm always helping other people with their affairs, whether they want me to or not."

There was a pause, and then, "Okay!" Jo exclaimed happily. "Let's do it!"

We'd completely renovated the cellar by that afternoon. I couldn't understand Jo's amazement – he/she was acting like a complete transformation in five hours was something out of the ordinary!

The previously dark, dank cellar was now decorated in light shades. We'd added a few skylights and covered all the ratty chairs with nice, blue fabric. And I managed to convince Jo to replace the itchy rope restraints with soft silky ones. By the time we were done, it was the kind of place in which I didn't mind riding out the rest of my kidnapping.

When Jo came downstairs later than night, I was sitting at my desk writing an article for The Oracle. "What are you doing that for?" Jo asked.

"Oh, this is what I'm always doing when someone comes to see me," I explained.

"Whatever," Jo said. "Hey, you wanna go out tonight? I know a really hot guy who's dying to meet you!"

I gasped. "But Jo!" I cried. "I have a boyfriend."

Jo rolled his/her eyes. "C'mon Liz, you always cheat on Todd in the super specials."

"Yeah, but this is a mystery edition," I explained patiently.

"Fine," Jo sighed. "But he's a cute, sensitive, non-threatening male who enjoys literature."

My eyes widened. "I love cute, sensitive, non-threatening males who enjoy literature!" I cried. Then I shook my head. "No. I have to stay faithful to Todd."

"That'll be a first," Jo muttered, then went back up the stairs.

I turned back to my article with a sigh. I had a feeling this kidnapping was about to get rough!