The Need To Feel Free Again - Part 2

Disclaimer - See part one for all important information


Thursday

May 27, 2004

JAG Headquarters

Falls Church, VA

5:57 PM

'What a day,' Harm thought and knew it wasn't about to get any better, which made it all even worse, if that was even possible.

'Well, it's a good thing this case is finally over,' Harm thought grimacing while closing the folder in front of him. Today was the day when things would really change for him and this hopeless case hadn't done anything to enhance his mood.

Then there was Mac. Harm sighed deeply and slowly turned in his office chair until he was able to look out of the window, pondering their last significant conversation. He was worried about Mac, but knew he had to accept and most of all to trust her decision about handling things her way and on her own terms.

At the admiral's Dining Out he had told her that he would always be there for her and he meant it. But what more could he do without pressuring her?

He hoped she knew that he was different from all the other men that passed through her life. He wasn't young and reckless like Eddie, or abusive like Chris, he wasn't her commanding officer and mentor like John Farrow, nor was he possessive like Dalton or pushy like Mic had been. He just wanted to be there for her as her equal for better or worse.

'I need to find Sarah.' Harm could still hear her voice from earlier. 'Can you understand that, Harm?' "Yeah. Believe me, I can. Only too well," he muttered and closed his eyes for a second, rubbing his throbbing temples.

Harm had been having the same type of feelings himself on and off for the past few months; oftentimes, it caused him to feel like a stranger even to himself. This was true especially during the time he had worked for the CIA after his return from Paraguay. That was a cold and dark time for him. It was as if he had lost the essence of who Harmon Rabb was and a vital part of his personality had been striped away. At times, he felt as though he was being navigated by remote control. Truth is, he couldn't really put his finger on it and he didn't know why these feelings existed; but what he did know was that they all too often gnawed at his insides like an all-consuming cancer.

"Can what?" Someone asked from behind, bringing Harm out of his deep thoughts.

"Huh?" Harm stated astonished as he turned around to look towards his office door.

"You said 'believe me, I can'. So, what is it that you can?" Sturgis asked frowning from the doorway of Harm's office, wondering what was going on with his friend.

"Nothing, buddy. I was just thinking out loud that's all. What can I do for you, Sturg?" Harm asked, trying hard to sound cordial.

"I was wondering if you would be interested in a basketball game and maybe a beer afterwards? Varise is out of town, and I thought we both could have some fun tonight. And if you ask me, you sure look like you could use a diversion my friend. What do you think? Are you game?"

"Sorry, buddy, but I can't. Mattie's at home waiting for me. She's cooking for us tonight. But how about a rain check?"

"Sure, why not. Have fun and say hi to Mattie for me, will you?" Sturgis said, wondering what was going on with his friend. Somehow, in the back of his mind, he couldn't help but think that it had something to do with a beautiful female marine.

"Will do. Night, Sturg."

"Night, Harm," Sturgis replied before he turned around and walked out of the office to call it a night.

Harm was glad to have a legitimate reason for not being able to join Sturgis because he was in no mood to deal with the third degree Sturgis would certainly impose on him. He didn't want to be interrogated, not tonight.

'Well, I guess it's time to face reality,' Harm thought and started packing his briefcase.

After switching off the lights and locking up his office, he left headquarters to get home where Mattie would be waiting for him with a home cooked dinner.

xxxx


Harm's Apartment

North of Union Station, DC

6:46 PM

The moment Harm opened the door he could smell the appetizing aroma of the lasagna Mattie was making for them. Cooking was definitely not one of Mattie's favorite activities. She was more of the 'calling for a pizza'-type, just like a certain marine he knew.

The thought of Mac and a half veggie half three-meat pizza along with their snuggling together on his couch watching Top Gunbrought a pleasant little smile to his handsome face.

"Whatcha grinning about, Harm? Want to share the joke?" Mattie asked with a grin of her own.

"Hey, Mattie. It was nothing, really. How is the lasagna doing? Do I have enough time to change into something more comfortable?"

"Sure, no problem. It's nearly finished. Maybe another 5 minutes or so."

"Good, I'll be right back then. Why don't you set the table in the mean time?"

"Are you doing the dishes afterwards?" Mattie called after him, the cheeky grin still firmly in place.

"Hmm… let me think… Yeah, I think I can handle that," Harm answered from his bedroom chuckling.

"Well then… sure, I'll set the table," she replied and got some plates out of the cabinet. "Oh, by the way… Mac called just a few minutes ago. She wanted me to tell you that Air Vette landed safely and that she would try to call you later… oh and Martha told her it could be a problem using the cell phone around the cottage area. So if she doesn't call, there is no need for you to worry," Mattie told Harm as she set the table.

In frustration, he shut the door of his wardrobe a little harder than he intended to and leaned his forehead against it closing his eyes succumbed by disappointment.

'Damn it, I missed her call. I really need to hear her voice right about now,' Harm thought in sadness, but managed to compose himself enough to answer calmly, "Thanks, kiddo."

"I told her that we're going to the movies tonight to see Shrek 2. She said she would call around eleven o'clock. You should be back home by then."

"How did she sound?" Harm asked as he came out of his bedroom buttoning his shirt.

"What do you mean?" Mattie asked looking up at him puzzled, not really understanding the meaning behind his question.

"Oh… it's nothing really. It's just that… well Mac drove her 'vette to Vermont and it's a rather long ride. Did she sound tired? I'm sure she won't have a chance to call me tonight. So I won't get the opportunity to talk to her," Harm muttered trying to hide his worries from his ward.

So far nobody knew about Mac's health problems and he had promised her to leave it at that for now. She wanted to know what the prognosis and treatment was before she would 'share' it with anybody else. He totally understood her wishes and he was elated that she at least told him about her 'situation', as she called it.

It was comforting for him to know that she trusted their friendship enough to open up, let her marine guard down and tell him about her condition, because reaching out was not an easy thing for Mac to do.

Though he knew he wanted so much more in terms of a relationship with Mac, he wouldn't push it. He was content with the way things were progressing for now, and vowed he would wait until she was ready to admit that she wanted more as well.


Flashback

"Why are you so completely surprised that I told you about it, Harm? I mean, look at it this way… now I have a very good excuse when I need you to rub my back, or if I need to borrow your electric heating pad again," Mac said jokingly with a laugh and a wink.

"Oh, you like my massages, don't you, Marine?" Harm asked her with a raised eyebrow and smirk on his face.

Mac was laughing even more now, unable to hold back her response."You bet I do. You sure know how to use your hands, Commander," Mac replied coyly before she sauntered out of the break room, leaving a blushing Harm behind.

She was gone before he could tell her that excuses were not necessary because he would do anything for 'his' marine.

End of Flashback

Mattie was intrigued as she watched her guardian. She knew his mind was elsewhere or rather his thoughts were about someone else. "Harm? Hello! Earth to Harm! Hey Houston, do you have a problem?"

She was worried about him. Mattie knew today would be pretty hard on him. Heck, it wasn't an easy day for her either, but she knew it would be much harder for Harm. She wondered if he had told Mac or someone else about what was going on. But somehow she felt that he hadn't told a soul about it. Mattie was sure Mac wouldn't have left if she knew what was going on here.

"Ha ha, very funny, kiddo. Now come on, let's eat. We don't want to miss Shrek," Harm told Mattie and once again tried to change the subject.

But Mattie detected his strategy and she wouldn't be Mattie if she just let it drop. She owed him a lot, much more than she would ever be able to repay. All she wanted was the best for Harm and for him to be happy.

"You haven't told Mac anything about today, have you?" Mattie softly asked when she joined Harm at the dining table. "Because I know that she wouldn't be in Vermont right now had she known. And she for sure would have at least asked me on the phone about it. I am right, aren't I?"

"Mattie... please," Harm started but was interrupted by Mattie's sudden outburst and stern look.

"Harm!"

"No," Harm whispered his answer in defeat diverting his eyes down to the lasagna in front of him rather than looking into Mattie's soul searching ones. He knew he had to be honest with her because she would be able to see right through him. "No, I haven't told Mac anything about tonight."

"Why not?" She asked softly. Mattie had powered down now after hearing the deflated tone in Harm's voice. She really hoped he would open up to her and let her know what he was feeling and what exactly was going on between him and Mac.

"Mattie… it's complicated, okay?" Harm tried to make her understand and sighed. "Mac has a lot on her mind at the moment, and I thought she should enjoy her little vacation without worrying about me too… I'll be fine, Mattie. I'm happy for you… I'll miss you, but I'm happy for you."

"I love you, Harm," Mattie said with a teary voice and quickly gave him a hug.

"I love you too, kiddo." Harm suppressed a smile as he realized how easy those three little words had just rolled off his tongue to Mattie. He couldn't help but wonder why it was always so hard to say them to Mac.

"Okay, let's eat and then we have a date with Shrek. Have you packed your bag already or do you still need to do it?"

"Nope, everything is ready. Dad called me this afternoon. He'll pick me up at school tomorrow. From there we'll drive straight to the Shenandoah Valley to Luray."

"Good. When was the last time you went camping?" Harm asked with interest trying to keep the conversation centered on her as he took a bite of his lasagna.

Mattie shrugged. "A few years ago," she stated and had to laugh. "It was raining the whole time and we had to leave before we drowned."

"I'm sure you'll have a great time," Harm told her softly.

"Yeah, but I'll miss you."

"I'll miss you, too. But we'll see each other in a few weeks again. And you can always call me. You know that, right?"

"You bet," Mattie answered before she leaned over and gave Harm a peck on his cheek and another hug.

"I'm so happy for you, Mattie," Harm told her with a tear in his eye.

He wouldn't let her see how much this all actually upset him. It was the best thing for Mattie to spend some time with her father. To see her that happy made him feel happy, even if it hurt him to see her leave. "Okay, enough of this. Let's finish our dinner. There're only a few more minutes to spare before we have to leave for the movie. We don't want to be late, young lady."

"Aye aye, Sir," Mattie answered with a little salute as they both finished their dinners.

As soon as they were done, Harm and Mattie left their plates in the kitchen. Mattie walked from the kitchen to the coat rack where Harm was already holding her jacket. She put it on as she let her eyes roam quickly around his apartment trying to capture everything to memory.It would be a while before she would be here again. She knew she would miss it terribly. Just the way she would miss Harm.

'It's good to know that he has Mac,' Mattie thought and smiled before she and Harm left the apartment.

TBC…

A/N – I know that most schools don't get out until the first or second week of June, so I had to use an 'Author's Privilege' here.