The Need To Feel Free Again - Part 3
Disclaimer - See part one for all important information
Friday
May 28, 2004
Harm's Apartment
North of Union Station, DC
3:27 AM
He was extremely restless and rolled over in his bed for what felt like the fiftieth time, still unable to attain the much needed sleep he craved. Not that it was any different from the last few nights. He was tired both physically and emotionally, and he honestly didn't know how many more sleepless nights he could endure.
Obviously, Harm's current state of unrest was causing him extreme frustration. He pinched the bridge of his nose with his thumb and forefinger while glancing at his nightstand; he could see that in only two and a half hours his alarm clock would announce a new day and new challenges.
Another chapter of his muddled life seemed to be closed for good and this time it was the chapter called 'Mattie'.
She informed him last weekend that her father had asked her to go on vacation with him. He had planned a camping trip to the Shenandoah Valley. There were a lot of things they could do together; things like canoeing, kayaking, fishing, and of course mountain biking. Harm could see how excited Mattie got the more she told him about the trip. She showed him brochures about the Valley along with information she had found on the internet.
She had been given the opportunity to reconcile with her dad, and she was finally willing to take the chance.
Harm was extremely proud of his little girl. It always stirred something inside of him when he thought of Mattie as his. Just when he was starting to accept the harsh reality that children may never be a part of his life, Mattie came along and changed everything.
Harm knew first hand what it was like to loose a father, and his heart still ached to know what it would have been like to have Harm Sr. in his life. All he had wanted was for Mattie to realize that she still HAD Tom, and it was up to her to reach out and take him back into her life. If it worked out for them, and he sincerely hoped it would, then he would be more than happy to take on the roll as her 'other' dad. He didn't want Mattie to grow up and have regrets.
This whole experience with Mattie brought thoughts about his step dad Frank Burnett to the surface. Frank had entered his life at a time when he was still haunted by thoughts of his dad, and because of this obsession Harm had never been able to reciprocate any of Frank's feelings. This was a wrong he now knew he had to make right.
Still wrestling with his thoughts, Harm turned on his side closing his eyes, thinking about how he met Mattie and how she had pulled him out of a deep emotional hole and made him know what it felt like to be needed and to make a difference in someone's life. He knew no matter what, he would always be there for her.
He thought back to the first time he tried talking to Mattie about her relationship with Tom and the possibility of their reuniting and getting things back on track, about her being able to give him another chance.
At first she was angry, awfully angry. Angry with her dad, but most of all she was mad at Harm. Back then, Mattie made it clear how much she hated Harm for making her go back to her father. She had screamed at him while tears streamed freely down her cheeks. It broke his heart to see her like that, but he knew even though she was upset it was necessary, for her own good, to put her through it.
Of course Harm had tried to tell her he wouldn't force her to go back or do anything she didn't want to do. He tried to explain that he was merely looking out for her overall welfare. But it was like talking to a brick wall. The conversation ended with a very upset and angry Mattie storming out of his apartment and nearly colliding with a stunned marine. The next audible sound had been a loud bang of her apartment door, which told him the conversation was over and done with.
Harm could see from the look in Mac's eyes that she had heard the whole fight. It was like seeing all his pain reflected in her eyes. The next thing Harm knew, he was in her comforting arms. 'Give her some time, Harm', 'everything will be okay', 'she didn't mean it like that. Just give her some time' Mac had soothingly told him over and over again. Her strength and encouragement fueled his ability to pursue the matter with Mattie.
'I don't even know why Mac had come over that night,' Harm suddenly realized.
It seemed like they had talked for hours. They mainly talked about Mattie and her situation with her father. Actually, Harm talked while Mac listened.
The next morning Harm found out that Mac had done much more than just listen to him. She had spokenwith Mattie as well and whatever words of wisdom Mac had conveyed to Mattie worked wonders.
Mattie apologized that morning. She felt bad for hurting him with the things she'd said and was truly sorry about everything. Harm made it clear he understood Mattie's feelings and that he only wanted what was best for her. Mattie had answered him with 'Maybe you're what's best for me, Harm' and began to cry again while Harm took her into his embrace, soothed her and said with a broken voice 'Maybe. And maybe you'll find someoneeven better.'
He had been very curious about what Mac had told Mattie to make her reevaluate everything.
That was when Mattie told him that the most important thing Mac did was to listen to her.
However, she also told Harm how Mac told her about growing up without the opportunity to have a relationship with her dad and the adverse effect it had on her.
Mac also told her how Joe MacKenzie never attempted to change anything in his entire life. She said that Mattie was lucky to have a father who was trying his best to gain control of his life and do the right thing in order to reclaim the trust and respect of his little girl. She endeavored to make Mattie understand that the hate she harbored would consume her if she didn't let it go. She further told Mattie how it was Harm who had talked her into going to see her own father when he was dying so that she would have no regrets after he died.
But most of all Mac had tried to assure Mattie that Harm had her best interest at heart and he was resolved to do whatever he felt was needed to make her happy even if the outcome would cause his own heart to break.
Later that day Harm had tried to thank Mac for her help, but she just said that she had only told Mattie the truth.
What Mac didn't tell Harm was how impressed she was that this young girl could walk into his life and unknowingly shatter his well-built barriers and teach the arrogant naval aviator how to love unconditionally.
Harm once more turned over and stared at the ceiling. Now that he was wide awake Harm's thoughts were about Mac. She hadn't called again last night.
'Guess Martha was right about not being able to use the cell phone in that area,' Harm thought disappointed. 'I wish I could hear her voice.'
Harm never told Mac about Mattie's vacation plans with her dad. She already had a lot on her mind, and he didn't want to bother her with his problems. 'Mattie's only going to be gone for three weeks,' Harm told himself, but deep down he knew this was the beginning of the end of the father/daughter relationship they currently shared. He knew they would always remain close, but it would definitely be different from now on.
"This is useless," Harm muttered while getting out of bed. "I won't get any sleep now. Maybe I should just go to work. And if I'm lucky, I can call it a day around noon."
xoxox
Anderson's Farm
The Cottage
Brattleboro, Vermont
6:48 AM
Mac woke up slowly trying to get her bearings until she remembered where she was.
Something wasn't quite right. She felt... like she was... being watched. Slowly turning around she came face to face with two big brown eyes. Before she could get a word out, she got a big wet sloppy kiss.
"Well good morning to you too, Toby. Did you sleep well?" Mac asked with a case of the giggles as the kisses continued and moved down her neck. "Stop that… it tickles." After a brief pause she asked. "So… what do you want to do first? Have breakfast or jog?" She took Toby's anxious gaze at the door along with his wagging tail as the answer for the latter. "Okay, I guess jogging it is. Give me five minutes and I'll be ready."
Toby and Mac first met while Martha was showing Mac the farm. It was love at first sight
for Mac the minute she looked into Toby's bright, shiny brown eyes. He had the most beautiful eyes she had ever seen. He was simply adorable. The way he looked at her. Well, even a marine could get weak in the knees.
And Toby? Toby was totally hooked when it came to Mac. Everywhere she went, he was close behind. He was always watching her, never letting her out of his sight. He had become her protector.
When the moment for their goodbye came, he just wouldn't let her go without him. He trotted along behind her as she walked to the cottage. She kept telling him he had better turn around and go home, but it was to no avail. Toby was simply too pigheaded and infatuated with Mac and continued to follow her.
He won her over with one of his special looks. He threw her a wounded puppy look and she was a goner. When it was time for bed he once again was the winner of their silent game. One look and he didn't have to sleep on the couch; instead he was able to sleep right next to her on the bed.
Mac walked out of the bathroom, wearing a white tank top, a pair of marine green sprinter shorts and running shoes. "Okay, let's get going. Maybe we can find some bagels in town because I'm famished. Are you ready, Toby?" Mac asked while looking into his big brown eyes.
"Woof, woof," was the prompt response from the ecstatic Golden Retriever puppy.
"Then let's get going Mr. Toby," Mac told him as they left the cottage together.
xoxox
Harm's Apartment
North of Union Station, DC
01:13 PM
Harm had just finished his lunch and was sitting on his couch reading the newspaper listening to soft music on the radio.
The admiral had given him permission to call it a day around noon, which Harm was very thankful for. But the truth was that sitting here wasn't helping to soothe his current state of mind. It wasn't that he felt tired or anything. No, he just missed Mattie. And Mac.
Right now there was nothing he wanted to do more than call her, just so he could hear her voice. But he knew that he couldn't reach her. He already tried five times today and always got the same message from her provider that she wasn't reachable at the moment.
He couldn't stare at the four walls any longer. He felt as though they were beginning to close in on him. There had to be something he could do.
But what?
'I need to feel free again,' Mac's words from the previous day had suddenly come back to him in full force. "I need to feel free again." Harm repeated her words out loud and a happy grin replaced the frown on his face.Yup, he knew what he had to do.
"You know what, Mac? You were absolutely right. It is time to feel free again!" Harm shouted to the four walls and quickly got upfrom his couch.
He grabbed his leather jacket, keys, and helmet before walking out of his apartment straight to his garage. Inside there was something beautiful waiting for him… his newest acquisition… what he liked to call his baby. He had bought it about two weeks ago, shortly after getting rid of his old one since it was a reminder of his CIA past.
That was a dismal time in his life that he was not proud of, a time filled with remorse and despair. He sincerely hoped that some day he would be able to let it go, forget about it and put it all behind him.
As he continued walking, he couldn't stop hoping that this time would come sooner rather than later.
He smiled when he opened the doors. His baby, his Harley Davidson, was sitting there in his garage, ready and waiting for him to take a little ride.