AN – Thank you so much for all the amazing reviews. Hopefully you like this part too… :)
The Need to Feel Free Again - Part 7
Disclaimer - See part one for all important information
May 29, 2004
Anderson's Farm
Brattleboro, Vermont
5:27 PM
They both enjoyed the pleasantly peaceful ride to Mac's special place. No words between them were necessary as they were totally engrossed in the beautiful countryside surrounding them and in each other. Mac sat in front of Harm, holding the napping Toby close to her.
Harm had strapped the small backpack with the sleeping bag attached on his shoulder and his strong muscular arms were protectively encircling her slender waist. Harm would occasionally give her a little kiss on the nape of her neck or on the side of her cheek near her ear. Mac surprised him a few times by turning around just in time for their lips to meet sweetly. Being at ease with each other to touch and explore was exhilarating, and they grinned like giddy lovesick teenagers.
This recently acquired freedom with each other was a new experience and it felt so good.
They didn't want to stop, hoping to make up for all the time they had lost by denying their true feelings.
A forty to fifty minute ride took them an hour and a half due to several detours by Mac. She was feeling so good nestled against Harm's solid body that she wanted to take her time getting to the place that she knew they would both savor immensely. She was also sure that Harm would never notice her minor deviations.
But she was wrong. Being a pilot gave him a great sense of direction. He HAD noticed, but didn't mind at all. He had figured it out when they passed the same tree for the third time. It was hard to miss. The tree had a carved heart around the initials C and G on the trunk. 'I guess Chloe knows this place as well,' Harm thought, assuming that the 'C' stood for Mac's little sister's first name, and smiled. No, he didn't mind at all. Actually, he was feeling quite content himself. There wasn't anything better than holding Sarah MacKenzie in his arms.
'Come to think of it, there is something even better than just holding her in my arms,' Harm thought remembering their passionate activities of the previous night and immediately intensified his hold on her, wanting to get lost in the moment and in the feeling of her soft body pressed so tightly against him. Right now Harm was glad Mac couldn't see him, or she would have definitely had something to say after witnessing the goofy grin he knew was plastered all over his face.
When they finally reached their destination, Harm was speechless. It took him a moment before he found his voice again and a simple "wow" was his only comment.
"It is beautiful, isn't it?" Mac asked warmly.
"No. It's… breathtaking," Harm whispered in amazement.
"I know. I actually found this clearing by accident. I think the sound of the waterfall over there brought me here. I nearly missed it," Mac quietly told Harm. "It's so peaceful up here."
"It's like our own little piece of paradise," was his heady reply.
Harm was overwhelmed at the incredible scene laid out before him. He was gazing at a crystal clear pond which housed a massive waterfall that flowed majestically down the side of the mountain.
"I intended to spend the night here last night, thankfully I didn't take the sleeping bag with me. Otherwise we would have missed each other," Mac quietly continued. "I spent a few hours here just thinking. The silence reminded me of our time in Afghanistan. Well, without the bombs of course," she added almost to herself.
They were still sitting motionless on Scout until Toby started to stir. Harm was the first to dismount before helping first Toby and then Mac down. Before Harm let go of her, he thoughtfully kissed her soft lips. "Thank you for sharing this with me, Sarah."
Her knees immediately went weak and her heart rate quickened at the sound of her given name coming from his lips. She wanted to ravish him right there on the spot, but knowing there were still things to do before bedding down for the night, she composed herself quickly. She would have to wait until later.
"Thank you for letting me share this with you, Harm," Mac delightfully answered before she gave him another light kiss. "We should start the fire, it's getting chilly."
"Good idea. Let me find some wood for the fire while you find a place for Scout," Harm offered.
"Let's do it."
It didn't take much for Harm to get a fire started, which was now ablaze fueled by the delicate breeze.
After Mac had found the perfect place for Scout, she started to prepare their roost for the night. It was their last night together before Harm had to return to Washington. It made her sad to think about it, so she did everything in her power to ignore the fact that their parting was imminent. The here and now was the only important thing to her. They were together and that's all that mattered.
She watched him carefully while he sat pensively in front of the fire. 'He looks so sad,' Mac thought and unconsciously started to nibble on her lower lip. That was when she saw the single tear slip from his eye and run down his cheek. She slowly stood up and made her way to him. After settling down behind him, Mac took him in her loving arms.
"What's wrong, Harm?" Mac asked wistfully and kissed away the tear on his cheek.
He had finally stripped himself of the armor that shielded his emotions, and allowing her to see him in such a weak and vulnerable state broke her heart. She prayed that this simple act of taking him in her arms would transfer her positive energy, mend the gap in his heart, and remove all his pain because she couldn't bear to see him suffer.
"It's nothing, Mac. Don't worry, okay?" Harm asked her and once again tried to change the subject. But Mac wouldn't let him evade her this time. She had promised herself that she would get to the root of what was troubling him.
"It's already too late for me to not worry, Harm. I know something is bothering you, and I think it's time for us to share everything," Mac coaxed. "Please, don't shut me out anymore."
They had always been so good at dodging each other, putting up walls and pretending that nothing was wrong, but it had to stop here.
She gave him another kiss, placing this one on his neck. "What drove you up here in the first place? You didn't originally plan to be here with me, I know that."
"No, you're right. It wasn't planned. It just happened. At first I didn't even know that I was on my way to you. But why are you so sure I didn't plan to surprise you?"
"Harm, you don't have a change of clothes with you and no toiletries either. You also are here with your motorcycle. I don't think you would have chosen your bike for the drive up here."
"Very good detective work, Sherlock," Harm softly said in a joking manner.
"Why thank you, Mr. Watson," Mac quickly responded and intensified her embrace, giving them both a moment to regroup. "Where were you going before you ended up here, Harm?"
"Sarah. I planned to go flying with Sarah." Harm sighed closing his eyes and rubbing them with his hands. "I had a rough night Thursday and didn't get any sleep at all. The Admiral gave me permission to take a half-day on Friday. Well, while I was sitting at home I remembered your words and they made me take action."
"So that's why you slept so long today. And here I thought it was because I wore you out," Mac kidded before she got serious again, wanting to get back to what was troubling him. "What words?" She whispered.
"You told me that you wanted 'to feel free again'. Those words motivated me to go," Harm gently answered her.
"Will you tell me why you didn't get any sleep that night? What was bothering you so much that you couldn't sleep?" Mac asked worriedly.
"Mattie."
"Mattie? She's alright, isn't she?" Now she was even more concerned than before. "Of course she is. I mean, you wouldn't be here if she wasn't okay. What's wrong, Harm?" Mac got on her feet and moved in front of him. She kneeled in front of him in the space between his legs and placed her hands on his knees. She looked deep in his eyes and witnessed an intense sadness there. "Harm, please?"
"I'm losing her, Mac" was the only thing Harm was able to say.
"Her dad?" Mac asked softly.
"Yes…. They're spending a few weeks together, camping in the Shenandoah Valley. She was so happy about it. Seeing her so happy made it clear to me that the time has come to let her go," Harm answered tearfully. "I'm happy for her, Mac. I just don't want to lose her," he continued while another tear fell down his cheek.
Mac took his face into her palms. She gently kissed his eyes, cheeks, nose, and finally his lips. "Harm, you will never lose her. She'll always be a part of your life. When I talked with her, she told me over and over again that you are a big part of her life and that she never wants to not have you in it," Mac confidently told him before she took him into her arms, just to hold him for a while.
"Harm?"
"Yeah?"
"Why didn't you tell me about this when I asked you in your office? I knew something was bothering you and I was worried."
"Mac, you already had so much on your plate, I didn't want to drop this on you on top of everything you were already going through. I thought I could deal with it on my own." Harm sighed shrugging his shoulders.
"But you couldn't, and I think that's what brought you here to me, Harm," Mac told him tenderly.
"You think so?" Harm asked astonished.
"No!" Mac answered seeing a very confused looking Harm. "I know so," Mac continued and gave him a little smile.
"Why are you so sure?" Harm wanted to know.
"Before you came here, I had a lot of time to think about everything. About the last year, Paraguay, Clay, Sadik, you… and most of all about me, Sarah MacKenzie," Mac told him hesitating briefly.
"What did you find out?"
"Oh, a lot of things actually. But the most important thing I've found out is..." Mac paused for a second closing her eyes and digging down deep within herself to find the strength to tell him what she always had wanted to tell him.
Harm could see she was fighting with herself. Letting go had always been hard for both of them. But like she said before, it was time and he gave her the time, just like she had done for him.
"The most important thing I found out is that I love you, Harmon Rabb Junior," Mac continued diligently.
She took his hands in hers and looked into his eyes with such intensity that she could have sworn she saw his soul. "You are my destiny, and I am yours. You complete me just like I complete you. We are one. There is no denying it anymore, Harm."
"Sarah, I..." Harm started, but Mac's finger on his lips made him stop.
"Please, Harm, let me continue. You need to know why I said 'never' in Paraguay and why I did the things I've done in the past."
A nod from Harm gave her the permission to go on.
"My weakness made me say 'never' in Paraguay. That weakness was the fear to love you, Harm. I was never scared about you breaking my heart. I was scared about me breaking your heart. I have failed at every relationship I've ever had. Like I said last week 'men seem to pass through my life' and I didn't want to risk it with you. I couldn't risk it with you. I would rather have you in my life as my friend then not to have you at all. That's why I said 'never' to there being an 'us' in Paraguay. But dear God, I never thought it would end the way it did. You were gone. My greatest fear had come true and all because I tried not to let it happen in the first place. The result was the same. I need you in my life like I need the air to breath. Sarah MacKenzie without Harmon Rabb Jr. is like the ocean without the water; like a bird without wings. There is no way to survive." Mac stopped and inhaled deeply. It felt so good to let it all out and to finally say what she felt in her heart.
She exhaled and continued "You are my wings, Harm. And your love… well, it's like the wind gently caressing my wings encouraging me to soar freely. You are what enables me to survive. When you are not near, you are haunting my dreams and my thoughts. But when you are here with me... I feel free. I feel 'Sarah' and I know who I am, and I know what I want. When I woke up this morning and you were holding me in your arms with your heart beating against mine, I knew I found my answer; I found 'Sarah' again."
"May I speak now?" Harm asked softly with a glimmer in his eyes.
"Yes, you may," Mac answered in a whisper.