The Need to Feel Free Again - Part 13

Disclaimer - See part one for all important information

May 31, 2004

Rock Creek Park

5200 Glover Road, NW

Washington, DC 20015

12:54 PM

Harm and Mac walked with their fingers intertwined through the park, enjoyingthe midday sun and the feeling of just being together. They looked around for the perfect place to picnic, but Toby had everything under control and led them to the perfect spot. The moment he noticed the Rock Creek he started to run like crazy and made the joy of his discovery known with a few audible 'woof's'.

Mac brought a blanket with her in the hope that the morning sun would have dried the ground soaked by the previous night's rain. She knew the park had picnic benches, but she preferred using a blanket and sitting on the ground and thankfully, the grass was dry enough for her plan.

They sat on the blanket and savored the salad and sandwiches Mac made for them earlier. When she had woken up around nine o'clock, she immediately saw what a beautiful day it was, and that's when she came up with the idea to surprise Harm with a picnic. After Mac had finished her breakfast, she took Toby and drove to the grocery store near her apartment.

She got a few items she would need for their lunch and to stock up her empty fridge. Thanks to Harm and his idea to buy a leash for Toby, which was a wonderfully thoughtful surprise, she had no problem going to the grocery store with the Golden Retriever. Mac left Toby outside the shop and took care of her shopping. The puppy did not mind at all and even found a new friend, a Beagle named Gonzo. She made a note to herself to thank Harm for his thoughtfulness and especially for picking the marine green leash and collar. After all he was her 'little marine'

Toby was a few feet away from them and up to his old tricks. He was staring at his mirror image in the creek and ignoring everything else around him just as he had done in Vermont.

Harm and Mac had to laugh when he made his final move and leaped to attack his antagonist. With a warning 'woof' he jumped right into the creek. Their laughter stopped immediately when he ran out of the water looking like a drowned rat. He pranced rightover to them, his little body still drenched. It appeared that he was still a bit startled and even disoriented from his mishap and hadn't taken the time to shake off his coat before approaching them.

"He won't do it, right?" Harm asked Mac slightly worried and began studying the area around them for his escape route. The last thing he needed today was a dirty uniform. "Toby, stop!" Harm hollered looking back at Mac, but he got no reaction from the puppy that was still bouncing all over the place soaking wet just waiting to make his move.

"The truth?" Mac asked with a raised eyebrow looking amusingly at Harm.

"Yeah," Harm stated nervously, never letting the Golden Retriever out of his sight while his level of worry cranked up a notch.

"Hmmm… I wouldn't bet my money on it," Mac answered dryly trying not to laugh.

However, when she saw Harm jump to his feet ready to run, she couldn't hold back her giggles any longer. The scene unfolding in front of her was just too amusing to stifle her laughter.

Taking pity on Harm, Mac hollered, "SNAP TO!" in her best marine tone and Toby stopped so suddenly in his tracks, he actually slid to a halt. She pointed her finger at the puppy. Toby looked at her, and like a good 'little marine', took a few steps away from them. Then with raised ears, he immediately shook the water off his fine coat. The water flew off of him like a fountain spray and covered everything around him in a fine mist of water. When he was done shaking, Toby looked so disheveled that Mac shook her head and laughed at her little guy.

'Like the perfect marine, he knows how to take orders,' Mac thought. However, when she looked over at Harm, she saw that he had also reacted to her order of 'snap to' and was standing there 'at attention', being the 'perfect adorable sailor' that he was. Mac was laughing so hard that she was actually rolling around on the blanket she had been sitting on.

"You!" Harm said pointing a finger at Mac. "You think that's funny, don't you, Marine?"

"Yeeesss," Mac could barely get out between her fit of laughter. "The way you looked... it, it was hilarious... I'm, I'm sorry... Harm... forgive me?" Mac asked sheepishly still trying to get herself under control.

"Oh, this is war," Harm said. He lunged at her pushing her back against the blanket. He tickled her incessantly until Mac had tears in her eyes and was shaking with glee. "Say uncle, Marine."

"Nnnoooo…never," was the only answer he got out of her as she continued to giggle.

"Say uncle or..." Harm threatened her with a leer and a lick as the tickling stopped.

"Or what?" Mac asked softly and looked deeply into his eyes. Harm melted immediately at the seductive look in her eyes.

"Or I'll kiss the living daylights out of you, Marine," Harm told her tenderly and started to drop his head slowly.

"And here I thought I would have to wait forever. Bring it on, Navy," Mac whispered before her lips met his. What followed was a kiss full of love and tenderness.

"Woof."

Harm and Mac broke their kiss with a groan and together looked with raised eyebrows at Toby. Apparently, the Golden Retriever didn't like to be ignored and wanted them to know it. Harm and Mac chuckled and sat next to each other.

When they smiled at Toby, he took it as permission and lay his little damp body down between them. Toby couldn't help but think, 'yeah… this is great. I knew it, they're just putty in my paws.'

"Our little baby," Harm said softly and looked at Mac while rubbing Toby's still damp ear.

Harm brought his lips to Toby's ear and whispered, "Thanks a lot buddy, I know where your loyalty lies, you are definitely all jarhead. What do ya say to a little bribery… maybe some of Mac's favorite home cooked 'dead animal', what'cha think? Hmmm… will that bring you over to the navy side? You know, you just might like being a squid." Harm got his answer in the form of one very wet, slobbery kiss to his cheek.

"Yeah, but I think I need to have a serious talk about privacy with this little guy," Mac answered quietly and rubbed Toby's other ear. The Golden Retriever enjoyed the attention he got and relaxed between Harm and Mac. With his head lying on the blanket he looked out at the sunshine glittering off of the creek water and enjoyed bathing in the sun's rays. It really didn't matter jarhead or squid because he had the mistress and the master right where he wanted them.

"Good idea. And I need to come up with some plans for renovating my apartment," Harm said merrily.

After a few minutes of silence between them, Harm detected the change in Mac's eyes. It was time and Harm was ready for it. At least he hoped he was.

"We have to talk, Harm," Mac said gently. When she looked deeply into his eyes, she saw he was ready for the conversation they were about to have. He had been waiting for her, giving her all the time she needed as she collected her thoughts and her strength. She was the one in control now. She was the one on top.

"Can you tell me about last night? I don't remember having any dreams."

"I'll try. You really scared me last night, Mac," Harm told her softly. "I'd like to know what has you so troubled and upset that it would cause you to have such horrible dreams."

"What was it that scared you so much?"

"God Mac, where do I start?" Harm asked before hesitantly looked out at the creek and tried to muster his own thoughts. Mac could see in the depth of his eyes and by his body language just how much this had bothered him. She squeezed his hand and signaled for him to continue.

Harm turned his eyes back to hers. "Mac, you were screaming at the top of your lungs and you were thrashing around like you were fighting for your life. Sometimes you murmured something, but for the most part I couldn't understand what you were trying to say. What really terrified me though was that I couldn't wake you. I called your name over and over again and I shook you, but nothing seemed to work. When you finally calmed down it was like you had gotten through everything and it was simply over. It was as though you couldn't be snapped out of it until you reached the end," Harm told her looking deeply into her troubled eyes.

"You said that sometimes I murmured something. It sounds like you at least understood a few things. What were they?" Mac asked. She was curious and hoped to get a clearer picture with this tidbit of information.

"It wasn't a lot, Mac. They were the only words you spoke forcefully. I could understand the words 'weak', 'barren', 'whore', 'Harm' and.," Harm started to answer quietly before Mac joined in and helped him finish his sentence.

"...'Clayton Webb'."

Harm just nodded his head and looked worriedly at her.

Mac closed her eyes inhaling deeply. She knew it. It was the dream that had haunted her the most in the past few months. Often she would wake up covered in sweat in the middle of the dream and then there were some nights where she wouldn't wake up at all. Those nights she would go through the whole scenario without even remembering it afterwards. Those nights were the worst; she would wake up and not know she had a nightmare. She wouldn't even sweat during the nightmare; the only sign that something was wrong was the feeling of having had a restless night.

Clay had told her about it when she asked him one morning about the discoloration he had under his right eye that hadn't been there the night before. He told her he had tried to wake her up and got the shiner in response. This particular memory always haunted her. She had lost control, inflicted bodily injury to someone and didn't remember anything about it.

She opened her eyes and saw the concerned look in Harm's eyes.

"What was the dream about? Paraguay?" Harm asked gently. He could see the hurt look in her eyes and knew the answer already.

"Yes. Well no, at least not directly. The dream was about the night...," Mac took another deep breath, looked at Harm, and used the strength he was offering her to continue. "...The night I killed Sadik," Mac continued almost inaudibly.

Harm gave her a minute to calm her emotions and took the time to rearrange his position on the blanket. He now sat behind Mac with his legs alongside hers while she sat in between them and Toby lay on their left side. Harm pulled her back and put his arms around her while she leaned against his chest trying to absorb all the love he had to offer. They held hands, their fingers intertwined.

He wanted her to know that she could take all the time she needed because he wasn't going anywhere. He would always be her wings, holding her up and supporting her. The wings she felt were essential for her survival and for her ability to feel free. All Harm wanted to do was envelope her in those wings and make her feel safe, secure and loved.

The only thing Harm knew about that fateful night in question was that Mac had to eliminate Sadik Fahd before he detonated a bomb in a nightclub. Unfortunately, the rest was pretty much classified information.

Harm placed his chin on her left shoulder and held her tightly. "Sarah, when you want to tell me about it, I'm here. However, please know I won't pressure you in any way. "I understand if you don't feel comfortable enough to go through this again," Harm told her gently. He kissed her ear and held her even tighter. "I'm here and I won't go away. Your wings won't forsake you."

"I really do need my wings, Harm," Mac whispered.

"I know, and you have them," Harm gently told her kissing her cheek and squeezing her to emphasize that his wings would always surround her.

Mac knew Harm had no intel about the night she had killed Sadik. It was time to let him in and tell him exactly what happened that night. She inhaled deeply looking directly at the creek and was now ready to start.

Slowly she told him about her meeting with Sadik in the oriental lounge. How he had forced her with a gun to go with him to the apartment across from the nightclub. She reiterated Sadik's aversion to women expressing independence and stepping out of their place, and she of course was at the top of his disgust list. He wanted to make her see how vulnerable she was because no man was there to protect her.

Mac sighed and took a deep breath, holding it momentarily before exhaling. Harm noted the deflated appearance of her body and knew it was best for her to rest before going on.

He knew she needed to get it all out, and unleash the burden she had been carrying around like a weight on her shoulders. He squeezed her hands and kissed her ear. "I'm proud of you, Sarah," Harm whispered.

When she continued to tell Harm about that dreadful night, her voice was even quieter. She told him about Sadik's verbal attack on her. How he said that she was only pretending to be a woman. That she had no man and no children in her life and she would be imprisoned in a barren life filled with fear. She even told Harm that according to Sadik she dressed and lived like a whore.

"Harm", Mac continued. "When he looked at me with those cold piercing eyes, it was as though he could see right through to my soul. I felt like I was an open book and he was reading all the pages of my life. His words stung more than any physical wound ever could. He seemed to know about my disastrous childhood… about my low self esteem… my determination and struggle to make it in the Marine Corps because I was a woman… how I had to persevere to get my law degree… about how all the men in my life were using me and none of them ever truly loved me for me… and how I now face the possibility of never carrying and giving birth to a child."

Mac closed her eyes for a second and then continued. "He wouldn't stop his tirade. He knew how to push all the right buttons, baiting me and pushing me to react. But how…how could he know all the things that would rile me, or did he just think that all independent women were the same? I think he wanted to hurt me with his words more than he wanted to kill me. Why Harm?" Mac asked with tears in her eyes. "You know, sometimes when he looked at me, I swear that somewhere deep inside his distorted thinking, maybe just for a fraction of a second, he might have actually admired my courage to fight back and not cower at his feet like all other women." Mac was now spent and needed to take a deep breath to try and regain her composure.

Harm really didn't have an answer for her. He couldn't even begin to try and fathom what went on in that evil man's twisted mind. Instead, he held her even tighter when he heard this part of the story. He could feel her shudder in his arms and her voice was only a whisper. He knew the part about her being 'barren' hurt her deeply and he hoped that she would find the fortitude not to dwell on it and move on. He didn't want her to worry about it, at least not now.

Harm couldn't help feeling that it was a good thing Sadik was dead because if he weren't, he would have found him and killed him with his bare hands for what he had done to Mac. He had humiliated and degraded her and made her feel inferior. 'No one can do that to my Sarah and live to tell about it,' Harm thought. 'She had overcome the painful disasters of her childhood to become the incredible woman and outstanding marine that she was and no one, NO ONE on this earth was going to undermine all she had achieved to attain the honorable life she had now made for herself.' Of that he was certain.

Toby noticed that his mistress was upset and got up from his spot to lie down in Mac's lap. He gazed up at her with his big brown eyes. Mac in response leaned her face towards the puppy.

"Woof." Toby gave her a wet Eskimo kiss to make his statement complete.

Harm and Mac laughed and rubbed Toby's ears.

"I love you too, Mr. Toby," Mac told him softly before she continued to tell Harm everything.

Mac started to tell him about Sadik's plan to bomb the nightclub, and how he had planned it to show her how susceptible she was. Harm could sense that Mac was getting to the end of that fateful night.

"... I took my shoes off and started to unbutton my blouse so I could show him the microphone I had worn underneath. Once he was distracted enough and I got the chance, I kicked the gun he held at me out of his hand. Then we began our fight. When I got the upper hand I started to hit him and told him in no uncertain terms, 'I'm not weak, and I'm not barren, and I'm not a whore'. Every statement was punctuated by a hard slap to his face and it felt soooo good."

Mac smiled at the recollection before she got serious again. She turned around in Harm's arms so she could look in his eyes. What she saw in his eyes was a mixture of emotions. There was anger for what Sadik had done and sorrow for the hurt she felt that night. But most of all she could see how proud Harm was of her and all the love he harbored in his heart.

"The fight wasn't over until I had the chance to get the weapon I kicked out of his hand earlier. I grabbed it just as he pulled out another weapon he had hidden in his waistband.

I was quicker than he was and shot him in the shoulder before he could hit me. I told him the shot was for you. And then I aimed again saying'This is for Clayton Webb' and shot him in the center of his forehead. When the C.I.A came into the apartment I told Kershaw I was sorry for killing Sadik because he could have given us important information about the nuclear weapons. Kershaw said Sadik could have killed me first, but I'm not so sure about that. However, the moment I looked in the mirror I knew I wasn't sorry at all."

When Mac had finished telling Harm about that night, she looked forlornly into his eyes.

"I killed him, Harm. I killed him and never felt sorry about it," Mac told him pensively looking down at the ground feeling ashamed for having no remorse for her fatal actions.