… Shinobu's eating disorder

As the Author of this sordid little story, I and the co-author (sephirothbeatrix) would like to start off the pilot chapter with RAGE and VIOLENCE and BLOOD! MUHUHUHAHAHAHAHAHAHA, wait no… try mruguhhuahahghagahhaghahghack! Mmm, yes better.

-

Under the pale, yet flourecent moon, we follow Keitaro Urashima running haphazardly down the dark alleyway. He pushed past a bin, slipping over the decomposing banana skin that was randomly placed in his path. A cat's screech broke the night's silence, a lens from his glasses smashed to the ground and he ran, half blinded through the softly lit alleyway. He clicked his heels and fell flat on his face, turning over quickly to be bathed by the silhouette of the female samurai, the yellow-highlighter coloured moon making her hair seem to dance as she stood over him, her katana raised and ready for the finishing blow.

"No," he cried, raising his arms to his face in a pitiful self defense, "please! I didn't mean to sneeze right into your underwear; I thought it was a tissue! Please, I beg of you Motoko-sama, spare me!"

"Hah," she spat and put the tip of her sword to his chin, "a sorry excuse for your insolent perverted behaviour! This is the straw that finally broke my back, and now," She raised her sword, "I break your neck! MOTHERFUCKER!"

He let out a shriek so high pitched and feminine that women everywhere had to cover their ears in shame to hear such a sound escape a man's lungs. There was a spluttering sound as metal met skin with such force that blood splattered every wall of the alleyway and Motoko emerged, covered in splatters of blood, dragging the lifeless body of Keitaro behind her, making sure to smack his lifeless head off the corner of the wall as she strode out victorious.

(-)

That morning…

"Eh Motoko…?" Shinobu's sugary sweet voice chirped from the kitchen. She had a spoon covered tomato sauce stuck in her hair and her apron was an array of food items such as peas and chocolate. "Why are you covered in dirt and splatters of blood?"

"… I was cleaning the cats…"

Everyone stared.

"We have cats!" Shinobu's sunny smile widened to such an extent that her cheekbones disappeared into her eyebrows.

"Eh… ah em yeeees. Yes we do." Motoko made a mental note to buy cats later on.

Suu bounded into the kitchen in her underwear screaming "YAY DINNER!" and then disappeared out the window. Motoko made a mental note to buy valium too…

Just another typical day at Hinata House. Living with so many people did tend to get annoying as they all had their little quirks. Mutsumi tended to have rather random fits of PMS, causing her to blurt out violent remarks (and nearly killing Shinobu) but then ending her sentence with a "…" and an "Oh my." Naru had near constant PMS, resulting in near constant bursts of violence (and again nearly killing Shinobu), and sometimes she gets this face, disappearing for many hours into her room, only knowing that she's still alive by the thumping and moaning against the wall. Of course, everyone just assumed that she was killing something… yeah, that was it. Kitsune was a raging alcoholic, and also liked to hide her "things" around the house. You know… the kind of things that were illegal in every country in the world, including Greenland. Suu was beginning to make whirring noises akin to that of a car breaking down. Now and then her ears would start issuing steam, but everyone ignored it. It was Suu after all. Motoko would remind everyone in the house all too often where she would stick her sword if they pissed her off. Shinobu, as of late, seemingly everything she cooked involved chocolate of some sort, be it white, dark or plain. Or Arabic if she wanted to be REALLY fancy.

That evening Naru emerged from the basement with a confused look on her face and a large clothes peg on her nose. She turned to Motoko. "Something smells really funky down there."

Motoko's face went so white she almost became transparent. She said nothing, instead proceeding down the basement carrying a shovel and a big black body bag. Naru shrugged and walked into the living room, straight into Shinobu.

"Oh sorry, didn't see you there, ya little runt." Ah it was PMS day for Naru as always. Only then she noticed the tears running down Shinobu's insanely cute face "Wow, didn't even need to say anything and you're already crying, you big pussy."

"I'm getting worried Naru-sempai, Keitaro hasn't come home yet!" whimpered Shinobu, rubbing her eyes with her sleeve. That was cuter than kittens on acid.

"Oh that. Yeah, kinda didn't notice that. I was wondering why there were no eyes on the bush while I was taking a bath. I'm hoping for the worst to be honest." She laughed, causing Shinobu to sob with a sob that would make a baby seal turn purple.

Shinobu was propelled by the force of her depression straight into Motoko and the body bag, causing it to rip open and the decomposing body of Keitaro slumped out, reeking of blood and onions (cause that's what men smell like when they've been brutally murdered by Motoko, she smells like onions when she's angry, it's been proven by Kitsune). Shinobu's sobs died in her throat looking at the pile of rotting flesh that was Keitaro Urashima. Instead she screamed a scream that would shame the gayest leprechaun (WTF the author's insane), which also alerted the other members of Hinata House to her location. In a way she was a kind of a squealing beacon for them to all gather around, like moths to a squealing flame (and now the co-author's even crazier D). That night Shinobu squealed herself to sleep, clutching bar upon bar of chocolate, from white to Arabian chocolate.

Just another day in Hinata House, only this time with a brutal murder. And Arabic chocolate because Shinobu was feeling fancy.

Random Author notes:

Sparkly Elf: WTF SQUEALING FLAME?

SephirothBeatrix: What, I'm being creative! P

Sparkly Elf: …STFU BITCH! I shoulda never given you that hot chocolate!

SephirothBeatrix: From Bewley's? XD

Sparkly Elf: ….(twitch)

SephirothBeatrix: Oh ROIGHT, ya mean Butler's?

Sparkly Elf: HARBLHARBLRHARBL (WHUPISH).

SephirothBeatrix: OW MY CHISLED FEATURES. D

Read and review YA BASTARDS. Before I kill my co-author by DEATH MOTOKO ONIONNESSSSSSS…..LOL.