Care Bears and Fits of Crazy

Disclaimer: I don't own the broadcasting network that made Who Wants to Be a Millionaire! or Elder scrolls: Oblivion, or Jeriticus, or One question. Those defiantly belong to someone else. Oh and I don't own Care Bears or their cousins (I like little orange leos!). Finally, I don't have the rights to my American Pie parody. Wow that's a mouthful

Thank You to:

Kiriu

M'aiq the Liar

Couldn't have been so long without you.

Recap:

Well anyway on to our next set of questions …"

"Here's our fourth question." Said Lichard as some dramatic music chimed in. The lights in turn moved around the audience to refocus in on the podiums. Then Lichard continued, "What type of soul gem do necromancers use? A, Petty. B, Black. C, Lesser, or D, Common."

Wulf thought this one out loud. "Hmm, well the use of petty and lesser soul gems seems beyond the arrogant, selfish, rude, snobbish, second definition of sadistic, and cruel race that are necromancers. Common or Black. Decisions, decisions. Well I think I'll choose D, Common."

Lichard said, "Is that your final answer?"

"Umm, you know what, it isn't. There's this gut feeling inside of me that tells me if I pick this someone who doesn't want me to win will be very happy," answered Wulf, "so I'll choose B, Black."

"Is this your final answer?"

"Yeah... No, wait. What if this someone doesn't want me to win because I'll do something stupid if I win? What if I get in trouble with Arch Mage Traven again? What if he kills me, or worse, what if I kill myself?" Rambled Wulf.

Lichard put his bony hand over his eyes and slid it down his face and said, "When you become a lich, you become undead. That's kind of like killing ones self." Lichard's mind mused, What do they teach kids these days? How to carve wood and skip stones? Talos help them.

Not more that a second later Lichard hear some words in his hollow skull. It went something like this, "Lichard, I'm right over here. If you wanted to ask for my help you could have just told me, I mean everyone prays for help, but you have the honor to ask me face to face. Don't you think I'd take care of that first instead of those people who pray to me? Oh well now you know. By the way, your prayer is number 8,279,784,021 (Eight trillion, Two hundred seventy-nine, seven hundred eighty-four thousand, twenty-one) on a list of 8,279,784,022 (Eight trillion, Two hundred seventy-nine, seven hundred eighty-four thousand, twenty-two) thank you for waiting." Whoa, that was weird, Thought Lichard.

Yeah, thought Talos.

Wulf replied, "Liches kill themselves? Whoa, that was weird, I did not know that, but I'll go with B, Black final answer."

"You're correct. Now you've won SUMMON HEADLESS ZOMBIE! SAID This headless zombie will clean your laundry, make your bed, take the dog outside, and kill bothersome rodents for a small amount of magicka. He's also a good listener. Once my zombie listened to me drone on for hours about this play called Three Liches and a Necromancer in an Ayleid Temple. Well on to question five. Who Is responsible for lich rights? A, Mehrunes Dagon. B, Brave Heart, the Care Bear Cousin. C, Jeriticus Corbala II, or D, Fredrico Magelen Bartimus Ritardando Feracera MXII (sixty second?)?" Droned Lichard.

Wulf sighed as he thought. Then he asked, "Can you tell me that time it is, Lichard?"

Lichard replied, "About 7:35 Wulf."

"No not what minute, what second it is." Replied Wulf as if that's what most people ask for when they ask for the time.

"Umm, about 37 seconds after 7:35" Responded Lichard.

"C, Jeriticus Corbala II. Final answer. This method never fails."

Wulf had this look about him now. It was as if he was so positive this would work, that he might die if he was wrong. Then Necroman said, "Whatever you did, I advise you to do it again because YOU'RE ABSO-BLOODY-LUTELY RIGHT! Now you've won a spooky music player! It plays songs that make all adventurers scared and all the girl liches will swoon over you. That second one is a proven fact. Sadly, there aren't many girl liches. Oh well, now on to question six, but before we get to that we have this lovely commercial break. See you after the break!" said Lichard.

The Director said, "Cut!" really loud and the whole audience broke out into conversation with the people sitting next to them. Lich got out of his seat and put one hand at the small of his back. Then the most disturbing noise came. It was the horrible noise of a lich cracking his back and sounded like thousands of little children screaming in pain in unison. The room was dead quite for the remainder of the four minutes as Lichard cracked every bone in his body. When he sat down, the audience clapped at lack of the foul noise. Many people shouted things like, "Praise Akatosh" or, "By Azura he stopped!"

Lich mumbled to himself, "I knew they wouldn't have to queue in the audience in if I did that." He looked very triumphant as he said, "Welcome back to Who Wants to Be a Necromancer! Hey um Wulf, how did you choose your answer for the last question?" inquired Lichard.

"Well when I was a little boy my math teacher, what was her name? Mrs. Slowmo, Pogo? Lowko? No it was Mrs. Yoho. That was it. Anyway, she said 'Now y'all hear me, yeah ya in da back list-ten up! Yous is tak'in dis here Standa-dised test. Now if yo fo-get da an-sa, look tows dat der cwock. See da secon 'and? If id between twelve an tree, da answers A. If it between tree an six, it B, six an nine, C and nine an twelve, D. It a-ways works. I swear if it don work y'all gonna die.' I remember it as if it were yesterday." Wulf replied

"Wow, I didn't know you went to school, well anyway. Question Six. What doesn't a lich have, A, Bones. B, Magic. C, Willpower, or D, a beating heart inside their chest cavity, somewhere underneath their ribcage."

Wulf was in deep thought. The questions just seemed to keep getting harder each and every time, but Wulf was sure he knew what to do. It was time to pull out life line number two. "Um, Lichard, can I séance the dead?"

Lichard again lost his jaw. When he got it, it started foaming. Then he said, "You sure, I mean- it's, it's. Glah rag Cher Brit ney crazy opps, I did it again!" When he said "again" Wulf came in with him, "I played with your heart, got lost in the game." Then when he stopped singing, the audience sang, "Oh baby, baby." The whole place clapped and whooped, except for lich who wiped the foam from his mouth and regained his composure. He laced his finger, which were still out stretched, and pulled his palms outward. The cracking of his four fingers quieted them all down. Then Lichard said in a calm voice, "Who would you like to séance, Wulf?"

Wulf kind of stared at him, blinked once, then said, "Brave Heart the lion. You know the Care Bear Cousin? He's the orange one."

What's it with him and the Care Bears, thought Lichard then as he was about to speak, someone shouted, "The Care Bears live forever!" That was Lichard's last straw. He said some word in an odd language and the poor Altmer was turned into a…a Bosmer. That's worst kind of Mer ever. They're annoying, and they think they're not, which only makes them more annoying. The poor Altmer/Bosmer ran out crying.

Lichard took a deep breath, then said, "Wulf, hold my hands and think of Brave Heart."

In between Lichard's and Wulf's Hands came an image of an orange lion. After thirty seconds, he materialized, and said, "This isn't Care-A-Lot? Where am I? Wait, Wulf, is that you? Is it really you?" asked the orange lion.

"Yeah it's me old buddy. I missed you. Remember that time where you helped me, well, can you do it again?"

"Sure I can buddy. What do you need?"

Lichard said, "Hi I'm Lich Necroman and Wulf here needs your help. Wulf will read you a question, and you'll have thirty seconds to help him out. Are you ready, Wulf? Your time starts…now."

"Hey, um Brave Heart, What doesn't a lich have, A, Bones. B, Magic. C, Willpower, or D, a beating heart inside their chest cavity, somewhere underneath their ribcage."

"D, it's D. Definitely D. So how's it been going? You know being dead is kind of fun."

Wulf and Brave Heart engaged in conversation until the thirty seconds were over.

When their time was over, they said their goodbyes and the lion vanished. Once the lion was completely gone, Wulf said, "D, final answer, man I miss my lion."

"You're correct and you've just one a master's alchemy set. This includes a mortar & pestle, alembic, calcinator, and retort. Each has a lifetime guarantee. Well, you're at another save spot. You cannot leave here with less than this. Now let's take some more time to learn about you, Wulf."

"What do you want to know?" replied Wulf.

"Well how did you come to like Care Bear Cousins so much?" inquired Lichard.

"That's an easy one Lichard," said Wulf, "When I was five years old, I got lost in Bravil near the Lady Luck. Then someone talked to it and it answered back. That was freaky. Then I got really scared and screamed. The guy who talked to the statue saw me and chased me. Luckily, I was much faster and I hid underwater near the bridge to Castle Bravil. He ran across, but now I was drowning. I was only five and could barely swim. Then an orange lion pulled me out, resuscitated me, and put me on his back and took me home. He even waited for me to wake up before he left. He left me his address so I sent him cards and we became close friends and pen pals (in you heads, queue music for American pie, end of verse to chorus).

"That is until the day, the lion died.

I started singin, bye, bye mister lion guy,

Took my quiver to the river, but the river was dry,

Them good old Khajiits were drinking whiskey and rye,

Singin this will be the way that I lie, this will be the way that I lie."

"Wow, you should really write an autobiography about your life. It's really… interesting. I now have a greater appreciation for Care Bears and their cousins. I'm going to buy my self a t-shirt. Well, on to question seven…"

Wow I think I might have overplayed Lichard's anger their. That's why at the end he's buying their t-shirts. I'm sorry for poor Wulf here. He's had such a hard life and now I'm making it a lot worse. Maybe I'll make it a tad easier on him; I mean he only has one Dead Line left.

Help me help you by helping me and reviewing.

Moogle form Cyrodiil